DH Cannot Handle Two Kids. How do you know when leaving is the right move?
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Anonymous
| Affair |
Anonymous
| I totally agree on the antidepressants. My life is yours exactly only 7 years later with four kids. My husband finally went on Zoloft and its like we have a new family. He was such an asshole for 10 years. Now if I could just find a way to like him again everything would be fixed. |
Anonymous
| Wait him out, it definitely could improve as the kids age. Hire a regulat sitter for Saturday AM so you both cam get more rest. |
Anonymous
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Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).
The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left. OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it. Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run. DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc) This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one. Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP. And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake. Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home? My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment. He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared. We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs) Good luck, OP! |
Anonymous
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I only have 1 but shes 11 months and my DH has been like this. Never happy, always stressed, etc. He can't be like me, tired but still smile or find happiness in little ways. To me, it seemed like he thought his life now sucked, which hurts. He let this flow into everything, our relationship, his work and sales are the worst they have ever been, etc. I made a thread a few weeks ago on DCUM about couples therapy. We hit rock bottom, I was thinking about leaving.
We moved DD out of our bedroom and it has been so much better. We have our time now which doesn't revolve around DD. We can have loud fun sex again because shes across the house. Ever since our sex life picked up, he seems happier and helps around the house and with DD so much more. I don't think there is an answer but from lightly talking to my girlfriends, it seems like this is normal. A baby brings a little life crisis to some men (and probably women) but it seems time fixes it. Im sorry OP |
Anonymous
this would not fly in my home, but maybe you SAH and can handle it all. I dunno. At work, people looked up to me too and did what I said. Does not mean that I expected my husband to do my bidding, or the other way around--we were a team and needed to act like one. We got home and it was like a military operation: which parent, which kid, which tasks. OP, this is a very hard time. We had a rough rough time with #2--our toddler (now older and dx wit ADHD ) was a nightmare. Baby was fine, but still it was just neverending at time. DH could be grouchy. But there is a limit. Yes, he may be depressed and incredibly stressed and should be evaluated. But he also has to realize that this is part of parenting and having a shitty ass attitude about it only makes it worse. And the kids pick up on it and it affects their behavior. we did occasionally do date nights, get a break, and would alternate taking both kids for a couple hours on the weekend so the other could work out, relax, whatever. We also found other famiilies with young kids so we could socialize at the park,or order pizza and have folks over. that helped with some of the tension of feeling burdened by the family demands. |
Anonymous
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OP, I agree with those that suggest an antidepressant. The wanting to sleep all the time is a huge clue.
Also, here are other things to think about. First, you may feel that you "shouldn't have to deal with this", but this is the hand you are dealt. Find some way to get that perspective in whatever area will spark an interest, reading nonfiction, Scriptures, whatever makes you stop feeling like you're the only one being pooped on. Two books that really struck me were Unbroken and The Boys In The Boat. Treat this as a medical condition, meaning your husband needs effective treatment. He doesn't get to snap at the other members of the household, just like he wouldn't be allowed to barf all over the counter and say "That's just how I am, folks". Be loving to him. Have sex, there are always things you can do in bed. As for g-rated activities like the park, maybe he doesn't like parks, or doesn't like the parks you do. That's fine. Find stuff you all can do as a family. The kids need to realize that you both have things you like too, and to be included when appropriate and possible. I exclusively pump, and I am not going to tell you to stop breast feeding. I don't think that will solve anything, and I am surprised someone would suggest that. I think a large part of your husband's problem is your attitude towards him. Change that, and at the same time offer him all the suggestions I presented to you. See what combination works. If none do, or he refuses to take *any* action, then think about leaving. |
Anonymous
No, it's not normal. Her DH needs therapy. I say this as a person with anxiety and depression who recognizes it. |
Anonymous
Yep. |
Anonymous
| I disagree that wanting to sleep all the time is necessarily a symptom of depression. He may want to sleep all the time because he is exhausted and chronically sleep deprived. Is the baby or toddler waking up at night and is it waking him? Sleep deprivation can give you a profoundly dark view of the world and make you cranky with others. If so, I would agree with having him sleep elsewhere for a while just to get caught up on sleep. This phase won't last forever. |
Anonymous
| I actually think the person who suggested to quit breastfeeding is right. It is just one more pressure point for you. |
Anonymous
Not normal in my house at all and we had a chronically ill child that got thrown in that mix. Could have never survived without my patient, kind, and strong husband. |
Anonymous
I want to sleep all of the time but it's just because I'm tired. |
Anonymous
| He needs a full check up to see if this is mental illness or a medical issue causing his fatigue and bad mood. And counseling both as individuals and for the marriage would do you all good. This is not the time to be thinking about leaving, but trying to help him. Divorce will not fix any of this. |
Anonymous
I would consider this OP. This is exactly how my H acted when he was having an affair with a coworker. It's actually text book affair behavior, but of course, he could also be tired and having trouble adjusting to being a father of two, and depressed. BTW we ended up working through things....though that was after separating for a year and getting pretty down the divorce path, and doing a lot of counseling. Either way, affair or not, your H has to grow the F up. |