DH Cannot Handle Two Kids. How do you know when leaving is the right move?

[Anonymous]

Op kids dont need to whine. Read Brazelton's book on discipline he can teach you how to have kids who never whine again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both need some personal time. I find both DH and I are both less cranky when we get time to ourselves and don't have to feel guilty about it. Get a sitter on a regular schedule and either go out together, or alone.

This.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a dick. When you bring kids into this life, your main priority is the kids. Not golf, not napping, not acting like you deserve a simple life. Not being f ing selfish.

Separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair

Yep.

Agree. Sounds like he's affairing.

[Anonymous]

Agree with some pps that he sounds depressed. My DH was and when he got on the right medication, it made a huge difference. Lexapro has been amazing for all of us. The first one he tried didn't help at all (Zoloft). My DH wouldn't go to counseling but was willing to try medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed.

+1. My DH was exactly like you describe OP. He noticed it too and got help. He's on antidepressants and in therapy and life is so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely antidepressants. The wanting to sleep all the time is the clue.

I want to sleep all of the time but it's just because I'm tired.

When I was having an affair there would be this post-sex-and-adreniline-been-with-AP-crash, and yes, I'd need extra sleep.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

[Anonymous]

I think you'd be better off doing this on your own. It's not okay for him to foist everything on you the way he has done

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound stupid and unfair and it really is. But men can be very simple and it's worth a shot: Have sex with him more often. I know you don't feel like it and it feels like "rewarding" his behavior. I totally get that. But it might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

I've been in your spot. Breastfeeding is physically draining and while I thought it was great when life got to the point where I felt like time could be better spent elsewhere, I weaned.

Weaning also allowed my husband to feed the baby, which helped his bond (I sucked at pumping). It gave me a bit of space so I could not feel so tethered.

We also got zero sleep and it was ME and not my DH who went through what you are describing. In hindsight, it was probably PPD, but honestly, I was depressed that my life as I knew it was over, my ability to freely choose what I want and have some spontaneity was done and I was exhausted. Like you, my DH stepped up. He did -- quite frankly -- everything for a period of a year or so. I basically was like your DH. Eventually I got therapy and medication and found my way out of the depression. But it was hard. And it wasn't me. I'm me now.

Your husband isn't well. I know it sucks and I know you've got tons of the plate. But continue to take it seriously, encourage your DH to take the meds, and take care of yourself. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

I've been in your spot. Breastfeeding is physically draining and while I thought it was great when life got to the point where I felt like time could be better spent elsewhere, I weaned.

Weaning also allowed my husband to feed the baby, which helped his bond (I sucked at pumping). It gave me a bit of space so I could not feel so tethered.

We also got zero sleep and it was ME and not my DH who went through what you are describing. In hindsight, it was probably PPD, but honestly, I was depressed that my life as I knew it was over, my ability to freely choose what I want and have some spontaneity was done and I was exhausted. Like you, my DH stepped up. He did -- quite frankly -- everything for a period of a year or so. I basically was like your DH. Eventually I got therapy and medication and found my way out of the depression. But it was hard. And it wasn't me. I'm me now.

Your husband isn't well. I know it sucks and I know you've got tons of the plate. But continue to take it seriously, encourage your DH to take the meds, and take care of yourself. It gets better.

You know, I'm a big proponent of not killing yourself to breastfeed. But, OP seems to enjoy it, and I don't see any reason why she should stop because her DH is being a selfish jerk. I don't see anything in her posts where breastfeeding is contributing to the problem. If she likes breastfeeding and wants to do it, quitting to somehow make her DH happier would likely backfire (because it wouldn't change anything anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?