DH Cannot Handle Two Kids. How do you know when leaving is the right move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Make the push right there, on taking his meds, and getting back to the doctor.

Remind him that feeling the way that is bolded is classic depression, and that he needs help, pronto. Does he trust you to "see" when he is having issues?

[Anonymous]

He is very clearly in the grips of anxiety and depression. He may also be veering to an inapprppriate relationship that is feeding this sense that the grass in greener.

You're in a tough spot OP. You have to try to get him to get help, but you also need to take care of yourself. I would kindly but firmly tell him that if does not start to take active measures to deal with his feelings--medication regularly, therapy--then he does risk losing all that he doesn't right now appreciate. This is not a threat, it is the natural consequence if he continues, unchecked, to communicate that he abhors being part of his own family.

[Anonymous]

These are the hardest years. Try to stick it out. Keep your family together if you can.

Things will eventually get easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Make the push right there, on taking his meds, and getting back to the doctor.

Remind him that feeling the way that is bolded is classic depression, and that he needs help, pronto. Does he trust you to "see" when he is having issues?

+1 I don't recommend ultimatums usually, but if it came to that, I wouldn't feel guilty issuing one in this case. He's drowning and pulling his family down with him, and he doesn't even see it. Depressed people don't always realize they're depressed. It's part of the disease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

I know, right? This is like straight out of a 1950s manual on the Wifely Arts: "Don't bother your husband when he returns home from the office! He has had a hard day. Be sure to have dinner ready, make-up applied, and the children washed and silent. A pleasant home environment is key to keeping your man from straying."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

I know, right? This is like straight out of a 1950s manual on the Wifely Arts: "Don't bother your husband when he returns home from the office! He has had a hard day. Be sure to have dinner ready, make-up applied, and the children washed and silent. A pleasant home environment is key to keeping your man from straying."

Yeah, I have to agree. I mean if it works for the poster, that's great for her and her husband. I could not live like that, however. My husband and I both work and damn straight when we get home it's the second shift -- for both of us. We would each be pissed if one person always took second shift while the other relaxed. We divide up what gets done on the second shift, but we both pull our weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

Make the push right there, on taking his meds, and getting back to the doctor.

Remind him that feeling the way that is bolded is classic depression, and that he needs help, pronto. Does he trust you to "see" when he is having issues?

Yeah, the knowing intellectually you have it good but being unable to feel it sounds like classic depression for me.

And no need to stop breastfeeding if you enjoy it and it works for you. Doesn't sound like that's DH's issue so you might as well do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the insight. DH has been in counseling for a couple of years now for his anxiety and depression. He is already on medication but does not take it regularly. We have a guest bedroom and for several weeks we slept separately. That did seem to make an impact. Also, he does not get up in the night with the kids. It's as if he does not hear them. I don't think he is having an affair but I do think he is emotionally connected to a woman at work. I don't totally blame him for that because everybody needs a friend at this stage, but when he comes home and is aterrible jerk then it makes me stop and think. He says he feels "trapped." he says he does not want to feel this way. Can't get out from under it. He says he knows it seems like he has everything (Beautiful healthy kids, beautiful wife, dog, successful career, makes good money), but he is unable to see it.

Thanks to everyone that says it gets better. That's what I needed. Hunkering down. I won't stop breastfeeding until the baby is ready. I honestly don't know why that would be a factor since she is not in our room. Interesting perspective though.

because breastfeeding is exhausting, physically and mentally. Pumping is worse. If there are things you can do to lighten the load then you do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

Not OP but feeling the same way w a 2 year old and 2 week old. DH told me the other day that he wants a divorce. This advice was hugely helpful.

[Anonymous]

No one should make major life decisions when there's two little ones in the house.
Babies' incessant demands, lack of sleep--it's all overwhelming. No one is a their best. Marriages take a serious hit.

[Anonymous]

Someone who is depressed and prescribed medication needs to take it. This should be non-negotiable. Your spouse sounds depressed, based on what he has said. Dealing with little ones is exhausting and hits even the best marriages hard. If your spouse is allowing depression to go untreated in what it an overpowering situation for most normal people, that is just adding fuel to the fire. I'd INSIST he see his shrink/therapist/whatever. Also you should insist that you guys see a couple's therapist together. He HAS to take his medication regularly. Why isn't he?!?! Why does he think that neglecting that in this high stress situation is a good idea!?!? You may have to push, and that may be uncomfortable for you, but so be it. My depressed spouse would go off his medication occasionally and it seriously compromised our family life and our marriage. I had to take a stand.

In answer to the question, "How do you know when leaving is the right move," you cannot know this now because you are probably so overwhelmed you cannot think straight. You should not judge your marriage when it is at what is likely to be one of its lowest points ever. Not only is the situation as it is now with little kids hard, but dealing with a depressed spouse is hard. Don't judge how he is until you see how things are when he is actually complying with treatment.

But your DH has to pull his weight and part of that is self-care. You both need to invest in self-care. Hire people, swap childcare with other parents, do whatever you have to, but get some alone time, go out together. All of this is compatible with breastfeeding, by the way.

In the book "Should I leave?" by Peter Kramer there is a chapter about a guy who sounds like your husband, the guy who has it all but can't see it. Kramer diagnoses him with depression, puts him on antidepressants, and suddenly he sees life differently. Maybe ask your husband to read that chapter. Ask him if he wants to mess up his family life, marriage, etc simply for not wanting to take anti-depressants.

[Anonymous]

Call him out, tell him you want to see a couples' therapist and you want him to see a doctor, because your marriage is seriously in danger here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of two DDs here, now tween and teen (2 years apart).

The worst time in my marriage was after the 2nd DD was born. I also considered leaving and in retrospect I am glad I didn't really have a good spot to go to without a huge upheaval of my mom's house, and that deterred me. If my mom had not been such a hoarder, I would have taken the kids and left.

OP, the first thing is for you AND your DH to know that while this is the new normal for now, it will pass. In particular, the exhaustion, and the lack of sex due to exhaustion and tension...will pass. The situation is much more tolerable, psychologically, for *both* of you if you know that time will take care of it.

Second, I don't know if you can do this or not, but at points in time, DH slept in another room just so he could get a good night's sleep. Ok...so yes I agree with everyone who is about to say that it's not fair, and probably OP is the one who needs the sleep more. But to keep your eyes on the prize (keep the marriage afloat in this storm) things aren't alway fair, at least in the short run.

DH and I fell on that solution by accident, when he was so exhausted he showed up in court one day and couldn't think/couldn't speak. He said he was lucky that the judge still ruled his way, and that could never happen again. So we implemented the sleeping situation (but he slept with me during low-stress work times and weekends etc)

This helps the marriage because it takes some work pressure off of your DH, but also, if at least ONE person in the marriage is sleeping, then the marriage will benefit. Both of you walking around like zombies will benefit no one.

Another thing is to go to bed early. My DH had resisted that one because he didn't want to "have no life, be old" and I wanted to bond with him, so we both stayed up watching TV. Such a stupid mistake, and if I were to do it again I'd try and get him to go to bed early, either by saying "just do it for two months" or, "just do it every other night..." Biologically, it's much better to do it every night, same time, even weekends, but every moment of sleep helps, OP.

And if I had to do that over again, if my DH was stubborn, I would not stay up with him for togetherness's sake.

Finally, what helped us immensely is I stopped greeting him with a "honey-do" list when he got home. I had heard someone on the radio say, "You have to create an environment where he *wants* to come home," and I thought, OMG, for DH, coming home is like the second shift. At work, people looked up to him and did what he said. Why would he want to come home?

My DH hates household chores and fixer-up projects, so I immediately stopped asking him to do anything like that, and did it myself or if the job was too big, I got a handyman to do it (or did not do it--nothing non-essential was tackled). He's a total slob, and I stopped nagging him to clean up his own crap. Just stopped and cleaned it up. And if I had to do it again, I might have had cleaners come 2x a week for that short time. Look at it as an investment.

He started to come home earlier, and started to be a better dad, and over time, the husband I married reappeared.

We are going on 19 years now (and 21 total) and we really have fun together; the magic doesn't really die, it goes dormant during super-tough times. (Unless of course someone really kills it with an affair or abuse or drugs)

Good luck, OP!

So basically your husband can only be happy as long as he's not require to contribute to the household in anyway.

Top PP here. I believe you are mischaracterizing what I said so you can conveniently miss the point, PP.
And bottom line, it's not about my "husband can only be happy..." it's about *us* being happy. Over the long run. Not at one moment in time. I don't expect OP, or her DH, to be happy at this stage. It's a hell of a hard stage. OP needs tools to get through it. My DH helps out now; so it works out in the long run.

Now, OP, you say something else, and that's about the emotional attachment with a woman at work. I also had that issue (only once and during this time). It was just a friend, but DH and I did have a sit-down and I said *I* wanted to be that friend; I wanted to be the one he discussed his career path etc with. I wanted us to be like (insert famous longtime couples that were great teams). That helped--he shifted his focus.

Again, these tips are just about trying to get you through, and part of getting through is creating a home environment that is attractive to your DH. More attractive than the work environment or the golf environment or whatever.

So your husband made your life environment more attractive too? Or you were SAH, so you had to just suck it up?

I know, right? This is like straight out of a 1950s manual on the Wifely Arts: "Don't bother your husband when he returns home from the office! He has had a hard day. Be sure to have dinner ready, make-up applied, and the children washed and silent. A pleasant home environment is key to keeping your man from straying."

What is so wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he wanted kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he wanted kids?

Who cares? They're here, time to step up.