DH Cannot Handle Two Kids. How do you know when leaving is the right move?

[Anonymous]

On the ledge....tell me I'm not alone and it gets better or I just need sleep, someone. I feel like my marriage is fragile as heck right now and sort of on the rocks. When does it get easier with a 3 year old and a 6 month old? My husband is in an awful mood literally always. He's miserable and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm on eggshells constantly. He's just not a nice person at all anymore. Literally the only time he is happy is if other people/friends are around or when he is about to go nap or headed to play golf. Family activities that used to be fun, even a short visit to the park are burdensome for him. He is impatient and grouchy with our toddler and he just cannot handle any of the normal whining, boundary pushing or...like anything. He snaps constantly. He says the happiest moment of his day is when he can go to sleep. I get it. I do. But like, I am barely holding it together with not a lot of sleep and I'm just like, really??! It would be so much easier being a team. Being kind to one another. I feel like I am doing it all. But on top of the kid stuff and working my own busy career, I have to deal with this grown man child throwing tantrums? Ugh. I know I am hormonal and breastfeeding, so maybe it’s that. But we are so icy and cold to eachother now. The intimacy is gone. When does this start to get easier, or, like how do you survive this? He is stressed beyond belief with work (self inflicted) and on weekends he's about to drive off the side of the road because the toddler is whining in the backseat. Part of me thinks...I know it would be insanely hard on my own, but I just want to be happy and I want the girls to be happy. The three year old has started asking, "Why are you mad at mommy?" when he is in his bad mood stomping around. I hate being anxious all the time around him. Bleh. I know we are in the trenches right? But aren't these supposed to be the sweet years? Someone tell me this gets easier soon... and thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

He needs antidepressants immediately.

[Anonymous]

Part of my answer would depend on whether *he* sees a problem. If he agrees that he's irritable and wants to change, you will have a better outcome than if he denies there's a problem.

Also, has he been screened for depression? Men can get PPD too and increased irritability is a symptom.

[Anonymous]

This seems within the realm of normal. It sucks, but if you can create an environment that's more even keeled for your daughter it'll help her: "Larla, Daddy is cranky today, he's not mad at us. You know how when you get cranky after waking up from a long nap?" It's your job to make her feel safe when stuff like this occurs.

If you leave, you realize he will still get the kids half the time, right?

[Anonymous]

Definitely antidepressants. The wanting to sleep all the time is the clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs antidepressants immediately.

+1

Make an appointment and drive him there if you must.

Be very clear that his behavior is unacceptable and that he needs help pronto--and that you love him and will make sure he gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs antidepressants immediately.

Thank you for your internet diagnosis, Dr. DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I feel for your situation OP. My husband was the same way. In his case, I think it was attributable to not liking babies and toddlers that much, and not enjoying dealing with our lifestyle with one. I don't think he realized this before we had a kid. For this reason and others, we stopped at one, and it did get so much better once DS was 4 or 5 - DH likes older kids and likes doing sports stuff with DS, and has just become a happier person all around.

[Anonymous]

Wait it out. It will get easier.

My husband is like this. Honestly, it is easier to just let him rest and contribute what he can than dealing with his irritability. He teleworks a lot and spends a lot of his time in his office where he works and naps and gets a break from the kids. If you leave you will have less help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the ledge....tell me I'm not alone and it gets better or I just need sleep, someone. I feel like my marriage is fragile as heck right now and sort of on the rocks. When does it get easier with a 3 year old and a 6 month old? My husband is in an awful mood literally always. He's miserable and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm on eggshells constantly. He's just not a nice person at all anymore. Literally the only time he is happy is if other people/friends are around or when he is about to go nap or headed to play golf. Family activities that used to be fun, even a short visit to the park are burdensome for him. He is impatient and grouchy with our toddler and he just cannot handle any of the normal whining, boundary pushing or...like anything. He snaps constantly. He says the happiest moment of his day is when he can go to sleep. I get it. I do. But like, I am barely holding it together with not a lot of sleep and I'm just like, really??! It would be so much easier being a team. Being kind to one another. I feel like I am doing it all. But on top of the kid stuff and working my own busy career, I have to deal with this grown man child throwing tantrums? Ugh. I know I am hormonal and breastfeeding, so maybe it’s that. But we are so icy and cold to eachother now. The intimacy is gone. When does this start to get easier, or, like how do you survive this? He is stressed beyond belief with work (self inflicted) and on weekends he's about to drive off the side of the road because the toddler is whining in the backseat. Part of me thinks...I know it would be insanely hard on my own, but I just want to be happy and I want the girls to be happy. The three year old has started asking, "Why are you mad at mommy?" when he is in his bad mood stomping around. I hate being anxious all the time around him. Bleh. I know we are in the trenches right? But aren't these supposed to be the sweet years? Someone tell me this gets easier soon... and thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely appreciate it.

His is self inflicted but your's isn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out. It will get easier.

My husband is like this. Honestly, it is easier to just let him rest and contribute what he can than dealing with his irritability. He teleworks a lot and spends a lot of his time in his office where he works and naps and gets a break from the kids. If you leave you will have less help.

And the OP just sucks it up in the mean time?

At the very least, have a come to Jesus talk. If he gets to nap and golf, he could spend a little time figuring out how to be with his three year old, and occasionally taking both kids so the OP can get a break herself. Damn.

[Anonymous]

OP stop breastfeeding. First and foremost you need to save yourself and get some sleep and minimize some of these tasks. Your kid will be fine.
second, he needs to see a therapist asap and probably start med.
Third, while he is not helpful, imagine doing this truly solo. stick it out a while longer and accept that marriages are awful with a second kid but single parenting is worse at this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the ledge....tell me I'm not alone and it gets better or I just need sleep, someone. I feel like my marriage is fragile as heck right now and sort of on the rocks. When does it get easier with a 3 year old and a 6 month old? My husband is in an awful mood literally always. He's miserable and it's really starting to wear on me. I'm on eggshells constantly. He's just not a nice person at all anymore. Literally the only time he is happy is if other people/friends are around or when he is about to go nap or headed to play golf. Family activities that used to be fun, even a short visit to the park are burdensome for him. He is impatient and grouchy with our toddler and he just cannot handle any of the normal whining, boundary pushing or...like anything. He snaps constantly. He says the happiest moment of his day is when he can go to sleep. I get it. I do. But like, I am barely holding it together with not a lot of sleep and I'm just like, really??! It would be so much easier being a team. Being kind to one another. I feel like I am doing it all. But on top of the kid stuff and working my own busy career, I have to deal with this grown man child throwing tantrums? Ugh. I know I am hormonal and breastfeeding, so maybe it’s that. But we are so icy and cold to eachother now. The intimacy is gone. When does this start to get easier, or, like how do you survive this? He is stressed beyond belief with work (self inflicted) and on weekends he's about to drive off the side of the road because the toddler is whining in the backseat. Part of me thinks...I know it would be insanely hard on my own, but I just want to be happy and I want the girls to be happy. The three year old has started asking, "Why are you mad at mommy?" when he is in his bad mood stomping around. I hate being anxious all the time around him. Bleh. I know we are in the trenches right? But aren't these supposed to be the sweet years? Someone tell me this gets easier soon... and thanks for letting me vent. Sincerely appreciate it.

Oh OP. No, these are not the sweet years. Are you insane? 6 months and 3 years were some of the WORST parenting times for me and I only had one to deal with.

For me, DD started sleeping through the night consistently at around 8 months, so that made things easier. 3 was a hard year because she was defiant and independent but not actually skilled enough to do anything on her own. It got easier when she was about 4 because she got slightly more compliant and also got better at stuff. I will say that it gets easier, but it's hard not to be resentful and stressed out when you feel like you're the only one who is rallying. That said, I would not suggest that you make ANY big life decisions right now. You're barely out of the postpartum phase with your youngest. If anything, it sounds like it would be good for you and your husband to figure out ways to reconnect with each other and get some relaxation time. Can you take a vacation any time soon?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both need some personal time. I find both DH and I are both less cranky when we get time to ourselves and don't have to feel guilty about it. Get a sitter on a regular schedule and either go out together, or alone.

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed.