Would you marry someone with a history of mental illness?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I have a friend with mental illness and she's a hot mess. Men are more likely to run away from women with mental illness. It's really sad that my friend can't figure out treatment and it's been 10 + years. She says anxiety keeps her from having a job.

One person is not representative of every single person with a mental illness. There are many people without mental illnesses are more of a "hot mess" than some people with properly treated mental illnesses.

New poster here. You are correct. However I was once married to someone who was mentally ill, and now I worry about my kids every day. So far, so good, and I think we would already know if they inherited it. But it's terrifying.

I would never ever marry someone with a mental illness of any sort again. Use me as a cautionary tale. My life was a living hell. And there was no way to know he would develop his illness when I married him.

I married someone who recently developed serious mental illness. My life is hell. Like you, I worry about my kids developing it in the future.

I wish I hadn't ignored the red flag of the history of mental illness in the family.

If you care about your kids, you will not stigmatize the mental illness. Instead, teach your kids there's nothing to be ashamed about seeing a mental health professional. There's no shame in seeking treatment, in taking meds.

If you continue to view mental illness as a red flag and a horrible thing, your kids will pick up on that and if they do ever have symptoms of a mental illness, they won't seek treatment, they won't develop healthy coping mechanisms, etc.

The issue isn't mental illness. It's whether the person is self-aware, seeks treatment, takes responsibility and ownership of their mental health, takes meds if necessary, etc.

In the "my life is hell" scenarios I've seen, it's all been undiagnosed mental illness in which the person refuses to seek help or comply with medical advice, usually because they think it's "weak" or some BS like that.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you marry someone who might get cancer some day? Would you marry someone who might start overeating and gain 60 pounds some day? Would you marry someone who shows no sign of mental illness until a brain injury at age 50?

This is such an offensive topic to get in to. Might surprise you OP, but there are many, many people with mental illnesses who frequent DCUM. I'd probably marry most of them before I wanted to marry someone as ignorant as you.

You're so busy getting up on your high horse you don't even notice that you're responding to questions the OP didn't even ask.

"Would you marry someone who has a history of mental illness?" is a very different question to ask than "would you marry someone who might get a mental illness in the future?". The former is also a very reasonable question to ask; it is not offensive or ignorant.

Would you marry someone who has cancer NOW? Who is 60lbs overweight NOW? Who has mental illness due to brain injury NOW? You are full of shit if you expect me to believe you'd say yes to any of those questions.

Would you marry someone with diabetes?
Would you marry someone with skin cancer?
Would you marry someone with a limp that could pontentially get progressively worse causing them to need a wheelchair?

I would take any of these over a history of mental illness. Been there, done it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I have a friend with mental illness and she's a hot mess. Men are more likely to run away from women with mental illness. It's really sad that my friend can't figure out treatment and it's been 10 + years. She says anxiety keeps her from having a job.

One person is not representative of every single person with a mental illness. There are many people without mental illnesses are more of a "hot mess" than some people with properly treated mental illnesses.

New poster here. You are correct. However I was once married to someone who was mentally ill, and now I worry about my kids every day. So far, so good, and I think we would already know if they inherited it. But it's terrifying.

I would never ever marry someone with a mental illness of any sort again. Use me as a cautionary tale. My life was a living hell. And there was no way to know he would develop his illness when I married him.

One of your kids has a mental illness.

I'm sure she knows that. That doesn't change that she wouldn't marry someone with a mental illness.

I can tell you after ha ing a child with adhd I would absolutely never marry someone with it.

So you hope your kid never finds someone to love him or her? Never gets married? I pity your kid, it must suck to have mother who views them s deffective, a burden and unworthy of a basic human need.[/

I hope no ones kids have a mental illness or make the mistake of marrying someone who is mentally ill. It's a hard road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I have a friend with mental illness and she's a hot mess. Men are more likely to run away from women with mental illness. It's really sad that my friend can't figure out treatment and it's been 10 + years. She says anxiety keeps her from having a job.

One person is not representative of every single person with a mental illness. There are many people without mental illnesses are more of a "hot mess" than some people with properly treated mental illnesses.

New poster here. You are correct. However I was once married to someone who was mentally ill, and now I worry about my kids every day. So far, so good, and I think we would already know if they inherited it. But it's terrifying.

I would never ever marry someone with a mental illness of any sort again. Use me as a cautionary tale. My life was a living hell. And there was no way to know he would develop his illness when I married him.

One of your kids has a mental illness.

I'm sure she knows that. That doesn't change that she wouldn't marry someone with a mental illness.

I can tell you after ha ing a child with adhd I would absolutely never marry someone with it.

So you hope your kid never finds someone to love him or her? Never gets married? I pity your kid, it must suck to have mother who views them s deffective, a burden and unworthy of a basic human need.

Mentally ill people should not have kids - I pity the fool that knowingly enters into marriage with someone who will likely not be a sane partner.

[Anonymous]

In the "my life is hell" scenarios I've seen, it's all been undiagnosed mental illness in which the person refuses to seek help or comply with medical advice, usually because they think it's "weak" or some BS like that.

Well you've led a sheltered life. Treatment - meds and therapy - doesn't always work well enough. Getting treatment is one hurdle, but not the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, and I say this as someone who had anxiety and depression all throughout my teens and 20s. My DH also has anxiety and for a long time we just fed off each other's anxiety, until I was able to get mine under control. His still isn't and it impacts our marriage.

In general, though, healthy people aren't attracted to those with mental illness, but people with it are attracted to each other (like my DH and I, and pretty much all my relationships before DH. Depression, bipolar, alcoholism, I've dated it all, ha). So if you're considering marrying someone with mental illness, get some counseling for yourself to figure out what's really going on.

There are SO many healthy people out there, it's just not worth it. Back when I was a mess, I wouldn't have wanted to marry myself, either.

You say there are so many healthy people out there, but most everyone I know has or has had something type of physical or mental unhealth. When you find that perfect person come back and let us know.

I met tons of them when I was dating. I found them too boring, they found me too crazy.

[Anonymous]

I have had several episodes of major depression throughout my life. I thought it was organic. No matter what I did, I was going to face bouts of depression. But I met my husband, and have a really good, healthy, and supportive relationship with him. (Prior to that, I had nothing but my highly dysfunctional birth family, which equals no healthy support). So I think the change of life circumstances has really helped. I have not had any episodes of major depression since I met him. It's been about 15 years now.

So I do think it's very individual. Whether the person has a diagnosis, whether s/he takes care of it, whether it's situational like mine apparently was, whether it's severe. My brother married a woman with borderline personality disorder and there is no good to come of this.

I do worry it's genetic. My husband is too laid back to worry about that. One of the things I've done is to learn everything I can about healthy parenting. Because I do think raising kids in a healthy, open, caring, and warm family situation helps tremendously. I believe in many cases, mental illness stems from both nature and nurture. A genetic predisposition that is somehow triggered by environment. We can't control much for genetics, but we can do everything in our power to provide a healthy environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry someone with a diagnosed mental illness. Even "mild" anxiety and depression can get worse as a person ages and living with mental illness is a lifelong issue. It affects every aspect of your life and is incurable. Nor would I want any of my children to marry someone with a diagnosed mental illness.

That's funny because you sound like you have an undiagnosed mental illness . One of your kids probably does or will so I guess you don't want them to have love or happiness either.

I am married to someone with a mental illness which gradually got worse with age. Did not have a diagnosis when we met and got married. Been together for decades and yes I am very supportive and no this is not a life I would wish on anyone and certainly not my kids.

Even if the mental illness is treatable there is no cure only management.

[Anonymous]

I think I am biased in this regard by a terrible experience that my best friend had marrying a man who was schizophrenic. When he was medicated, it was totally manageable, but he had trouble staying compliant with taking his meds, and engaged in some really difficult and horrible behavior when he was off of them. I helped her move out of her house temporarily during one of his episodes, and he attached both of us with a broom. It was awful. They are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Depression during teen years but no more? Yes, as long as s/he's willing to re-enter re-treatment when needed.

Treatable anxiety? Yes, again if treated.

Narcissist? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have bipolar and I married someone with ADHD. My treated mental illness is less disruptive to our family and marriage than his untreated mental difference. (He agrees.)

This was our experience in my first marriage. Later, my ex was diagnosed with other mental illnesses. I'm remarried and my DH says my BP is less of a problem than my ex's untreated disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In the "my life is hell" scenarios I've seen, it's all been undiagnosed mental illness in which the person refuses to seek help or comply with medical advice, usually because they think it's "weak" or some BS like that.

Well you've led a sheltered life. Treatment - meds and therapy - doesn't always work well enough. Getting treatment is one hurdle, but not the only one.

Exactly. Getting treatment does not always make it all better or even "well enough".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention, people with diagnosed mental illness who seek treatment from a professional and comply with their meds are actually (IMO) far more stable and honest and reliable than the people with undiagnosed mental illness who are convinced they're fine and think it's "weak" to see a psychiatrist.

And mental illness is a broad category. Most people have at some point in their life suffered at least a mild form of a mental illness (not all mental illnesses are chronic and lasting). PPD is a mental illness, but it is treatable and usually temporary (if the person gets treatment).

Furthermore, there are plenty of mental illnesses that really don't manifest until there is a triggering episode, like a death in the family, job loss, having a baby. It's virtually impossible to tell while dating or even in the early stages of living with someone whether or not a huge life change will trigger mental illness.

The only thing you can tell when dating with someone is whether or not they have a hangup about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist or whether they think that it's "weak" to suffer from a mental illness. IMO, those are the people to avoid marrying because they are the ones who will refuse to seek treatment if they ever have an issue. They're also the ones who will usually refuse counseling when there is an issue in the marriage. They tend to be the ones who are also oblivious to their own quirks and issues and, because of that lack of self-awareness, are difficult to deal with when there's an issue.

This is brilliant. Beautifully expressed--thanks to the PP who wrote this!!

[Anonymous]

It amazes me, op, that you had to ask this very broad question without giving any specific details about your situation. Which just makes me believe that your entire intent was to shame an entire group of people who are suffering from a disorder or mental Illness. Every time I think DCUM can't reach any lower, people like you show up and prove me wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to mention, people with diagnosed mental illness who seek treatment from a professional and comply with their meds are actually (IMO) far more stable and honest and reliable than the people with undiagnosed mental illness who are convinced they're fine and think it's "weak" to see a psychiatrist.

And mental illness is a broad category. Most people have at some point in their life suffered at least a mild form of a mental illness (not all mental illnesses are chronic and lasting). PPD is a mental illness, but it is treatable and usually temporary (if the person gets treatment).

Furthermore, there are plenty of mental illnesses that really don't manifest until there is a triggering episode, like a death in the family, job loss, having a baby. It's virtually impossible to tell while dating or even in the early stages of living with someone whether or not a huge life change will trigger mental illness.

The only thing you can tell when dating with someone is whether or not they have a hangup about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist or whether they think that it's "weak" to suffer from a mental illness. IMO, those are the people to avoid marrying because they are the ones who will refuse to seek treatment if they ever have an issue. They're also the ones who will usually refuse counseling when there is an issue in the marriage. They tend to be the ones who are also oblivious to their own quirks and issues and, because of that lack of self-awareness, are difficult to deal with when there's an issue.

This is brilliant. Beautifully expressed--thanks to the PP who wrote this!!

Many mentally ill people don't believe they are mentally ill at all. That's a big part of the problem, they are so sick they are in a different reality. Good luck if that person is your spouse or parent to your kids. There is a lot of collateral damage to a family.