Major family upheavel over religion....don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Christianity were important to your brother, he would have found a Christian woman to marry. Your parents need to accept that it just isn't a huge deal to him.

+1

Religion was important to me, so I told my then-boyfriend that any kids would be Jewish fairly early on. Otherwise, we would have parted ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling bad for any yet-to-born Jewish grandchildren who will have anti-Semitic grandparents.

I agree with everyone above. Just stay out of it. It's up to your brother and his fiancé as to how they will accommodate any religious differences.

What do you call Jewish grandparents who don't want their grandchildren being raised Christian?

I know right? I have no idea how wanting to continue your religious traditions in your family suddenly makes you anti Semitic. Every single Jewish I've ever met has felt very strongly about this. Their faith is no more an attack on Christianity, than is OPs family wanting to maintain their religious traditions for the next generation.

It's more than that. The parents refuse to even meet the woman. I can understand if they're disappointed that their son is marrying outside the faith, but that doesn't mean they have to treat her like a pariah.

That makes them assholes, not anti-Semites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Jewish and My husband comes from a very conservative Christian family. They were so welcoming and delighted to meet me with open arms, wether I converted or not. They actually thought it was very cool that I was Jewish. This is how it should be OP- not only were you out of line to ask her to consider converting, but your family just seems awful!!

I call bullshit. Jewish families do this ALL THE TIME. Is THAT OK? Come on, this is a matter of a family wanting to protect and honor their lineage/legacy. My best friend (Jewish) says the same thing of most Jewish parents wanting that very same thing. I know many cases where Jewish parents pressure the non Jew DIL to convert (and often they do). Is that OK? This is hypocritical it isn't even funny. I get it and think there is nothing wrong with it.

+1. This is INCREDIBLY COMMON in Jewish families. My ex-boyfriend's family forced our breakup (he's Jewish, I'm not) by threatening to withhold funds that he needed for a life-threatening medical emergency. It was "we'll either help with your medical needs and you break up with her because she isn't Jewish or we cut you off, end your medical treatment, and you risk death, but you get to be with the non-Jewish girl." For his family, converting wasn't even good enough. To this day, I am still disgusted by what his family did, how they treated him, how they treated me, and and the the overall situation they put him in. Nobody should have to make that decision and no parent should put their child in that type of situation. But Jewish families quite often do threaten to cut their children off, and worse, if they marry outside the tribe. It's not okay when they do it and it certainly isn't okay right now as OP's family is doing it.

I'm sorry you had to experience that - but that was not my experience at all. It's not okay for any families of any faith to act that way. Let's not fall into generalizations either. Everyone is going to have a different experience. For me- my parents did not care if I married out of my Jewish faith because they just wanted me to be happy. I know many interfaith couples who have had absolutely no family issues related to their interfaith marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not discuss converting with your brother's fiance. That's not your place.

Instead, be a good sister. Meet your brother & his fiance. Be genuinely happy for them. Offer the congratulations this occasion calls for. Go to the wedding. Celebrate with them. You can't control what your parents do, or how your brother navigates his marriage, but you can choose to be the one normal family member who has an appropriate reaction to a joyous occasion, in hopes that others will come around.

[Anonymous]

What kind of Protestant are they, OP? Do they actually care about the denomination (which would shock me) or do they just want a Christian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here my brother is not religious but is extremely loyal to our family/parents. I know despite what he says he will have a very hard time to move forward without our parents blessing. Wrong or right that is the way it is. And they know that.

My parents are not anti Semites, they ARE very staunch int heir beliefs and admittedly very "old school", they think a Protestant shoudl marry a Protestant, etc..they are not right but that is what they think.

I, nor my brother are religious.

I decided to not do anything, just offer my support.I have learned in the last hour that the told my oldest brother she (fiance) is considering converting. I will not say a word (my husband has begged me to stay out) and let it play out. Thank you for your advice, hoping for a happy peaceful ending.

Why don't you substitute race or ethnic origin for religion in what you just wrote and then come back to us and justify your parents' prejudices. You are deluded and an enabler.

Not. The. Same.

Religion is about beliefs and values and you can subscribe to whatever religion you want.

You can't change your race.

[Anonymous]

So, your parents are asses, but yet, you are going to talk to her about converting?! Wth, you are an ass. Nobody needs to convert here. I'd cut you all off.

[Anonymous]

FFS. You are seriously considering talking to her about converting?? Do you actually want a relationship with them? Unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not discuss converting with your brother's fiance. That's not your place.

Instead, be a good sister. Meet your brother & his fiance. Be genuinely happy for them. Offer the congratulations this occasion calls for. Go to the wedding. Celebrate with them. You can't control what your parents do, or how your brother navigates his marriage, but you can choose to be the one normal family member who has an appropriate reaction to a joyous occasion, in hopes that others will come around.

Obviously, people have different definitions about what is a joyous occasion. For some, a wedding is not joyous when a family member chooses to cut himself off from the family religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not discuss converting with your brother's fiance. That's not your place.

Instead, be a good sister. Meet your brother & his fiance. Be genuinely happy for them. Offer the congratulations this occasion calls for. Go to the wedding. Celebrate with them. You can't control what your parents do, or how your brother navigates his marriage, but you can choose to be the one normal family member who has an appropriate reaction to a joyous occasion, in hopes that others will come around.

Obviously, people have different definitions about what is a joyous occasion. For some, a wedding is not joyous when a family member chooses to cut himself off from the family religion.

But he's not necessarily cutting himself off from the family religion. He's not considering converting, is he? So he will still be Christian.

For example, I know a Jewish brother and sister who each married outside of their religion. They're both still Jewish, and attend/celebrate all Jewish holidays. Their spouses are still Christian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not discuss converting with your brother's fiance. That's not your place.

Instead, be a good sister. Meet your brother & his fiance. Be genuinely happy for them. Offer the congratulations this occasion calls for. Go to the wedding. Celebrate with them. You can't control what your parents do, or how your brother navigates his marriage, but you can choose to be the one normal family member who has an appropriate reaction to a joyous occasion, in hopes that others will come around.

Obviously, people have different definitions about what is a joyous occasion. For some, a wedding is not joyous when a family member chooses to cut himself off from the family religion.

But he's not necessarily cutting himself off from the family religion. He's not considering converting, is he? So he will still be Christian.

For example, I know a Jewish brother and sister who each married outside of their religion. They're both still Jewish, and attend/celebrate all Jewish holidays. Their spouses are still Christian.

But that's not the way it works in OP's family. They want only Christian in-laws.

[Anonymous]

What concerns me more about this whole scenario, for the couple's sake, is that they have not discussed how they will raise the children. This is a fundamental issue. Will it be "both" (I have known friends to do that, although IMO it doesn't work), one, or the other? Will the kids be baptized, bar or bat mitzvahed, go through confirmation, which?

Anyway, not your place to question. Be happy for them, be the supportive person in the family, and leave all issues related to religion to the couple.

In terms of the in-laws, I just can't grasp how people would cut off a child and irreparably damage a relationship with the future in-law child over this. OP, continue to try to be a bridge-builder but otherwise just be sympathetic to your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not discuss converting with your brother's fiance. That's not your place.

Instead, be a good sister. Meet your brother & his fiance. Be genuinely happy for them. Offer the congratulations this occasion calls for. Go to the wedding. Celebrate with them. You can't control what your parents do, or how your brother navigates his marriage, but you can choose to be the one normal family member who has an appropriate reaction to a joyous occasion, in hopes that others will come around.

Obviously, people have different definitions about what is a joyous occasion. For some, a wedding is not joyous when a family member chooses to cut himself off from the family religion.

But he's not necessarily cutting himself off from the family religion. He's not considering converting, is he? So he will still be Christian.

For example, I know a Jewish brother and sister who each married outside of their religion. They're both still Jewish, and attend/celebrate all Jewish holidays. Their spouses are still Christian.

But that's not the way it works in OP's family. They want only Christian in-laws.

I am sure that is not all they want. People here can say it is not the same thing.. they are not antisemitic, but if their reaction to a Jewish DIL is so strong, what would it be if he was marrying outside of his race? BTW, I used race here as people are used to it, but I am a firm believer that race is a social construct and that there are no different race groups in human population.

[Anonymous]

I am in a Jewish-Christian marriage and I can honestly say that I am very very grateful my pastor was frank with me during my engagement. I was exactly like your brother, believing that we would just cross the whole children-and-religion thing when the time comes. It's very very very naive. These are fundamental issues that need to be discussed by the couple during their engagement. They are not necessarily deal breakers, but the man and woman need to have an open and honest conversation. My pastor helped me to see that I needed to do this and I took his advice, and we ended up choosing to raise the kids in my religion, which I 100% believe was the best choice for us. To be honest, I knew what I wanted, but I was scared to rock the boat during the engagement given the religious differences we were having just planning the wedding ceremony itself. My pastor gave me the courage to speak up. We have been happily married nearly 15 years now.

As for your situation, I think you should express your love and support to your brother for his marriage, but also encourage him in a loving and sisterly way to have a conversation about children and faith with her now, while they are engaged. Recognize that he very well may not want what you or your parents want. It's his life. Once you've said your peace, drop the conversation and let him take what you said, or leave it.

I do not in any way think you should discuss converting with your future sister in law.

I agree with the other posters who said that given she is Jewish, her children will be Jewish according to that religion, and probably raised that way, and your parents probably recognize that.

[Anonymous]

Your parents sound awful. I would cut them out of my life if I were your brother. And to everyone saying "some Jewish families are like this too!" I also find that awful. People need to mind their own business and not try to shove their own religious beliefs down their adult children's throats, much less try to dictate whom they can marry.