DH mad I asked him not to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking forward to future threads in which aggrieved OP reports her DH cheated on her, and wonders why.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are SO many things wrong with gender communications. OP, if you're smart and don't want a dead bedroom like most the people giving you advice , I suggest you approach this with an open mind. He's likely shutting you out because you're miles away from what he thinks the problem is. It engulfs him in grief to think he should have to spell out common courtesy to you.

Usually what upsets me most in these scenarios is that I'm an adult. I'm capable of making my own decisions. I love my spouse. Yet my spouse is talking to me like I don't care about her feelings and that I'm not capable of deciding when thinks are appropriate and taking her best interest in my decision making process also.

For example
DONT touch me !!! Like wtf. You invalidating me as a person when you make a demand like that , ignoring my desires. I don't need you snapping like that.
You should acknowledge him. "Hey honey, I love the effection. It just creeps me in front of our child.

If he left the house. He is super hurt and pissed that you don't trust his judgements. If you want a marriage and not a roommate , sincerely apologize to him and ignore the old hags here that have already ruined their marriages.

What absolute rubbish! Who starts grabbing like that in front of a kid? OP, your DH is a petulant child and you treated him just as he deserved it. And it is not "effection" it is affection. Do not take advice from people who have no clue what intimacy and marriage is about. You are not an object to be handled by him like a toy. All these pps saying he is right are making me so sad for where most women are still when it comes to their self esteem and valuing themselves as independent persons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...Well I just went to talk to him. Asked him why it upset him so much and apologized for my tone being off (but not for the request itself) and was told that I am "never affectionate" and that he guesses this is just the way it is, "don't worry about it". All with no eye contact and flat affect. I said I didn't think that was true, got more of the same back. At that point I probably overstepped and said i couldn't believe he was acting this way. Now, he's left the house!

I really just can't believe this. This is structurally in line with how our fights usually go and usually I bend over backwards apologizing even if Ive done nothing wrong just to get back to an equilibrium. But this time I'm just so irritated w the immaturity I don't really know what to do

Either your DH is a petulant and immature, or he might be cheating.

[Anonymous]

OP here... cooler heads seem to have prevailed this morning, and there were apologies all around. This forum has been helpful in highlighting two ongoing issues that need to be addressed though -- firstly, the PPs who pointed out that our "conflict style" is terrible are absolutely right and maybe is something that needs to be resolved via counseling. The second is the need to candidly and purposefully discuss how we would like to relate to each other as a couple given our new(ish) roles as parents. The PP who mentioned DH's possible hurt feelings was right on the money, at least according to him this morning.



ps, confidential to PP@23:11 -- yep my kid watches TV with us every once in a while! no need to be alarmed.

[Anonymous]

Good luck op... He's acting exactly like my husband did when he was cheating.... when I was pregnant with my second child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are SO many things wrong with gender communications. OP, if you're smart and don't want a dead bedroom like most the people giving you advice , I suggest you approach this with an open mind. He's likely shutting you out because you're miles away from what he thinks the problem is. It engulfs him in grief to think he should have to spell out common courtesy to you.

Usually what upsets me most in these scenarios is that I'm an adult. I'm capable of making my own decisions. I love my spouse. Yet my spouse is talking to me like I don't care about her feelings and that I'm not capable of deciding when thinks are appropriate and taking her best interest in my decision making process also.

For example
DONT touch me !!! Like wtf. You invalidating me as a person when you make a demand like that , ignoring my desires. I don't need you snapping like that.
You should acknowledge him. "Hey honey, I love the effection. It just creeps me in front of our child.

If he left the house. He is super hurt and pissed that you don't trust his judgements. If you want a marriage and not a roommate , sincerely apologize to him and ignore the old hags here that have already ruined their marriages.

There are SO many things wrong with your post.

For starters, "common courtesy" would dictate that it's not appropriate to just grope someone, period. Your wife, your husband, whoever. If a stranger reached over and grabbed my breast, that stranger would get slapped in the face. If my husband reached over and grabbed my breast, I would say, "Hey, hands. That's not okay with me" if it was not okay with me. Because my husband is NOT AN ASSHOLE, he would not get upset about that.

Since he reached out and groped her and got pissed when she told him not to, he clearly doesn't care about her feelings. How is that taking her best interest into account, other than that apparently according to you, it's in her best interest to let her husband do whatever he wants or else he will be sad. Reaching out and groping is invalidating HER as a person and ignoring HER desires. Snapping is 100% appropriate. His judgment is clearly not trustworthy, since he a) grabbed and groped, b) got pissed about it when she told him to knock it off and c) left the house and then slept on the couch to punish her for expressing a preference about how and when she wants to be touched.

You sound like a person who does not respect your wife's right to body autonomy. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, that's why.q

[Anonymous]

OP again, obviously hope that's not the case! No other signs are there but I guess you never know until you know...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, obviously hope that's not the case! No other signs are there but I guess you never know until you know...

You could always ask him.

[Anonymous]

OP, he might be having trouble adjusting to his changed role in the priority list--some men do. By the second pregnancy, DH "got" that he was low on the totem pole and that I gave him what I could, but that between working full time, being pregnant, and giving attention to our three year old, there just wasn't much energy left.

It might be a good time to remind DH just how taxed you are---and that he needs to carry more than his usual weight for you to even have a chance of having your normal-ish energy to give to him.

The fact that you're still having sex 1-2 times a week is pretty great--remind him how lucky he is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand how you feel, but in this case, it sounds like you said it in an unnecessarily cold way. I'd apologize profusely and see if anything can be done to ensure he doesn't go to bed angry.

(I don't think this is important to the crux of the matter but fwiw, I think your 17 mo old would not have noticed or been scarred by fondling)

No. She was in the right; he needs to act like a father of two and not a petulant toddler.

Yes, he acted like a big baby. But I bet his claim about no affection has merit and should be heard. His love language is clearly physical touch.

Be thankful that he still loves and wants your body, but you guys need to be able to discuss like grownups what the issues are. And by the way, I would think nothing of having my breasts fondled with a toddler there. Big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are SO many things wrong with gender communications. OP, if you're smart and don't want a dead bedroom like most the people giving you advice , I suggest you approach this with an open mind. He's likely shutting you out because you're miles away from what he thinks the problem is. It engulfs him in grief to think he should have to spell out common courtesy to you.

Usually what upsets me most in these scenarios is that I'm an adult. I'm capable of making my own decisions. I love my spouse. Yet my spouse is talking to me like I don't care about her feelings and that I'm not capable of deciding when thinks are appropriate and taking her best interest in my decision making process also.

For example
DONT touch me !!! Like wtf. You invalidating me as a person when you make a demand like that , ignoring my desires. I don't need you snapping like that.
You should acknowledge him. "Hey honey, I love the effection. It just creeps me in front of our child.

If he left the house. He is super hurt and pissed that you don't trust his judgements. If you want a marriage and not a roommate , sincerely apologize to him and ignore the old hags here that have already ruined their marriages.

There are SO many things wrong with your post.

For starters, "common courtesy" would dictate that it's not appropriate to just grope someone, period. Your wife, your husband, whoever. If a stranger reached over and grabbed my breast, that stranger would get slapped in the face. If my husband reached over and grabbed my breast, I would say, "Hey, hands. That's not okay with me" if it was not okay with me. Because my husband is NOT AN ASSHOLE, he would not get upset about that.

Since he reached out and groped her and got pissed when she told him not to, he clearly doesn't care about her feelings. How is that taking her best interest into account, other than that apparently according to you, it's in her best interest to let her husband do whatever he wants or else he will be sad. Reaching out and groping is invalidating HER as a person and ignoring HER desires. Snapping is 100% appropriate. His judgment is clearly not trustworthy, since he a) grabbed and groped, b) got pissed about it when she told him to knock it off and c) left the house and then slept on the couch to punish her for expressing a preference about how and when she wants to be touched.

You sound like a person who does not respect your wife's right to body autonomy. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, that's why.q

+1 to all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op most of the previous responses are exactly why so many women and men on dcum are unhappy with their marriages.

You yourself admitted your tone was not great when what he originally did (try to fondle you) was perhaps inappropriate but not done in a mean spirited way. You should try to apologize.

No, he wan't annoyed with her tone. Look at what he actually said. This was purely anger at not getting to have his way with her. He didn't like the 'no' not the way the 'no' way conveyed. That is a huge red flag in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Storming out of the house when your pregnant with #2 wife apologies to you for her tone when telling you she doesn't randomly want her breasts fondled = possibly borderline, definitely a little bitch. who is probably cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Storming out of the house when your pregnant with #2 wife apologies to you for her tone when telling you she doesn't randomly want her breasts fondled = possibly borderline, definitely a little bitch. who is probably cheating.

Yep.

F ing Caveman

[Anonymous]

Then we have threads about women who cannot move on when their husbands divorce them.

Wow!

OP - you are tired and it is your body. So, it is perfectly ok to not want sex. You could have leaned in to your husband, kissed him and told him gently that you were tired and your breasts are too sensitive to touch. The point is that you were mean and probably are snappy towards him most of the time. Understand your behaviour and work on your marriage. Be loving and gentle. It does not mean that you have to have sex when you don't have to.