Ever know the "perfect couple" who wound up divorcing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how people are defining "perfect couple" -- salary, vacations, socializing, met at an Ivy, etc. Not much about how those people treated each other or their moods/behaviors when together.

That is a good point. He could be a neurosurgeon who beats his wife or she could be a marketing executive with a severe heroin problem (one of my friend's was the latter) but you wouldn't know it unless things blew way out of control.

The OP gets this. That's probably why she put it in quotes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws seemed to have the perfect marriage. Two successful adult children, a large, well-kept home, multiple vacations every year. MIL taught some bible study class focused on marriage. Right up until the day she walked out to chase after her high school flame a thousand miles away.

How did that work out for her?

She now lives with some other guy, last I knew. We have little contact with her. Things got very ugly between MIL and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends met freshman year at an Ivy. Got married right out of college and had their first child really young. Both became extremely successful in business and law, had two more gorgeous children, big house, the most amazing hospitality. Great friends, too. She was the first one to bring me helpful items when I was pregnant. We vacationed with them a couple of times on the Outer Banks and they were really easy to share a house with.

Then our lives got busy, I stopped working at the same firm as him, /'s we fell out of touch. Fast forward a few years and I see him at my metro station in DC. Their big house was way out in MD. They were separated. He lived in an apartment. According to him, they never got to become their own people because they married so young and for him, the "perfect" life was really stressful. He didn't want to have to constantly social climb, did want to find his own way. She felt like she wanted to do way more with her career and blamed her several year stint staying at home on him-- even though he didn't ask her to do it.

All in all with them it seemed they couldn't make a decision for a lifetime at the age of 22, with the first person they dated.

I think the bolded applies to me although I am not sure people thought I was in a perfect marriage. Met my husband at age 18, together 22 years, 16 of them married, now getting divorced. I have almost zero dating experience and don't know how to conduct myself to gain some experience without being awkward.

PP -- I was you, and I'm now 4 years post-divorce (44 years old, two children now 14). About dating, I hear you - it is daunting.

My experience, in case it is helpful: Once I felt ready to dip my toes in the water, I signed up for an online dating site and went about it with a "this is just practice" attitude. Went on a lot of dates with a nothing ventured / nothing gained mindset - none terrible, most really good. I met a lot of interesting men. It was a shockingly good experience, and it really didn't take long to get comfortable and better at weeding out men with whom I wasn't likely to click / seeking out compatible men.

I've been with a fantastic guy for about a year and a half. I'm very, very happy.

Anyway, bottom line is that I had to just get over the fact that my dating experience was nil.

Good luck!

Hi PP! I really appreciate that and so hope that your experience will be mine in a few years as well. How soon after things were over with your XDH did you do this "practice dating"?

Hi - A few months after the divorce was finalized. We'd done the year of separation thing (Virginia), and I used that time to really dig in and get my self together mentally / physically / etc.

Wanted also to mention that I spoke with a close friend last night whose (non)dating / marriage / divorce history is similar to mine (and yours). She's about 2 years post-divorce and just returned from a trip to Bryce Canyon with a man she met online who she's been seeing for about six months. She was extremely pessimistic about post-divorce romantic life. She's is SO happy.

Again, good luck!

[Anonymous]

I want to chime in. I'm recently separated and I initially thought I wanted to jump right in. After a few weeks I realized I wanted to be selfish for awhile and take care of my own needs for once. I also wanted to beat my STBXH to the dating game. I've decided to focus on myself at least until the divorce is final. I'm in Virginia too so I'm subject to the one year waiting period too. I'm looking forward to trying out some new things and to reconnecting with old friends and hobbies.

[Anonymous]

A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

I doubt it was as dramatic as you describe.

The whole living a lie and creating a facade is very dramatic.

Some people just keep things to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

I doubt it was as dramatic as you describe.

The whole living a lie and creating a facade is very dramatic.

Some people just keep things to themselves.

Obviously, I didn't know the mom as well as I thought I did. But I've spent hours talking with her, spent lots of time doing things with her and with her kids. She's not a close friend, but she's definitely a friend. I did not notice anything wrong until near the very end. My friend is a good actress. She does tend to "look on the bright side" which is perhaps why I missed some of the cracks in the facade.

And yes, it was dramatic for me, and for a number of her friends who knew nothing about their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

I doubt it was as dramatic as you describe.

The whole living a lie and creating a facade is very dramatic.

Some people just keep things to themselves.

Obviously, I didn't know the mom as well as I thought I did. But I've spent hours talking with her, spent lots of time doing things with her and with her kids. She's not a close friend, but she's definitely a friend. I did not notice anything wrong until near the very end. My friend is a good actress. She does tend to "look on the bright side" which is perhaps why I missed some of the cracks in the facade.

And yes, it was dramatic for me, and for a number of her friends who knew nothing about their problems.

Just because she did not open up to you does not mean she was acting or putting up a facade.

She is just not a blabber mouth. She had her own support system end you obviously we're not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

I doubt it was as dramatic as you describe.

The whole living a lie and creating a facade is very dramatic.

Some people just keep things to themselves.

Obviously, I didn't know the mom as well as I thought I did. But I've spent hours talking with her, spent lots of time doing things with her and with her kids. She's not a close friend, but she's definitely a friend. I did not notice anything wrong until near the very end. My friend is a good actress. She does tend to "look on the bright side" which is perhaps why I missed some of the cracks in the facade.

And yes, it was dramatic for me, and for a number of her friends who knew nothing about their problems.

Who are you that she would tell you anything? What a presumptuous tool you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very wealthy couple I know are in the midst of a bitter divorce. They've been married more than 20 years in what I'd always assumed was the perfect marriage. They have three great kids, two beautiful homes, a great rapport, a perfectly lovely life. I found out recently that the mom is a closet alcoholic, which caused a rift in the marriage none of her closest friends knew about. They'd been in counseling, but could not work things out. The husband had become more and more detached (in private, not in public) and the marriage failed. That's the story that came out once the divorce became public.
It was shocking to me because I know the wife very well. She has been living a lie, and not telling anyone, except, I'm guessing, her therapist. When the marriage failed, the truth finally came out. Also, they have huge money problems, which they also kept hidden. Their houses have to be sold, along with their cars and other possessions. It's absolutely astonishing to me what people hide and what a good facade they are able to maintain. Until they can't.

You sound unintelligent. Do you think normal people go broadcasting their problems to gratify busybodies like you. It isn't "living a lie" to keep matters that are none of your business from you.

[Anonymous]

This thread is interesting to me because the first and only (to date) divorce in my social circle happened to the most picture-perfect couple. They are both fantastic looking, great jobs, athletic, lots of cash, churchgoing, you name it. They also each have the least messy, or depending on how you look at it, adventurous pasts - zero experimentation with drugs, no sleeping around or heavy drinking in college. Marriage failed when the husband decided that his highly paid STEM career wasn't "perfect" enough for him and was going to med school, and nothing less than an Ivy would do. Oh, and kids were off the table until he finished residency, which put wife in her late 30s at the earliest. The wife was unwilling to sacrifice finances and her own career to move out of state AND forego TTC. Wife is remarried with kids; I'm no longer in touch with husband but I heard he did go to Harvard med. I also have heard over the years that husband plays the victim, big time. Can't believe wife left him heartbroken, totally blindsided, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting to me because the first and only (to date) divorce in my social circle happened to the most picture-perfect couple. They are both fantastic looking, great jobs, athletic, lots of cash, churchgoing, you name it. They also each have the least messy, or depending on how you look at it, adventurous pasts - zero experimentation with drugs, no sleeping around or heavy drinking in college. Marriage failed when the husband decided that his highly paid STEM career wasn't "perfect" enough for him and was going to med school, and nothing less than an Ivy would do. Oh, and kids were off the table until he finished residency, which put wife in her late 30s at the earliest. The wife was unwilling to sacrifice finances and her own career to move out of state AND forego TTC. Wife is remarried with kids; I'm no longer in touch with husband but I heard he did go to Harvard med. I also have heard over the years that husband plays the victim, big time. Can't believe wife left him heartbroken, totally blindsided, etc.

He had a dream and he went for it. Sounds like it worked out fairly well for him. If kids were her dream, then they both should be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting to me because the first and only (to date) divorce in my social circle happened to the most picture-perfect couple. They are both fantastic looking, great jobs, athletic, lots of cash, churchgoing, you name it. They also each have the least messy, or depending on how you look at it, adventurous pasts - zero experimentation with drugs, no sleeping around or heavy drinking in college. Marriage failed when the husband decided that his highly paid STEM career wasn't "perfect" enough for him and was going to med school, and nothing less than an Ivy would do. Oh, and kids were off the table until he finished residency, which put wife in her late 30s at the earliest. The wife was unwilling to sacrifice finances and her own career to move out of state AND forego TTC. Wife is remarried with kids; I'm no longer in touch with husband but I heard he did go to Harvard med. I also have heard over the years that husband plays the victim, big time. Can't believe wife left him heartbroken, totally blindsided, etc.

It sounds like they met and married young before they really knew what they wanted. As they got older, their life directions became incompatible. Good for them for figuring it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many. Every single one... one of the spouses has mental health issues.

3 have PTSD
One had a child die
One the husband has severe OCD
One the wife has bipolar disorder, she made me look in her house for bugs because she thought she was being spied on.
One has schizophrenia
I could go on.

I agree with this. My ex was diagnosed with NPD, turns out he's also bipolar. This seems so common nowadays, and it sort of "pops up" in mid-life. And it gets worse and worse until divorce.

I think that alcoholism (and even pill addiction) is a close second in NW DC and CC and Bethesda.

It's very sad because you can't really predict these things when you get married at a young age.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, nope. Not a single couple I know that divorced *really* shocked me. I mean its always surprising, or at least generally, because I would hope you would not be privvy to actually seeing what goes on in someone else's home (like if you had friends who fought ALL THE TIME in public and made things awkward, yes of course that would be not at all surprising). But every single "perfect" couple, which obviously doesn't exist I know is, to the best of my knowledge, generally happy.