Ever know the "perfect couple" who wound up divorcing?

[Anonymous]

My BIL and SIL. I thought all was good, but then she would post a pic of them coming back from a cruise saying what a great time they had, and he would text dh that she spent the whole time bitching him out about something. I think she has anxiety, and manages it by staying very busy, and gave him lots of "honey-do" projects. He said he felt like an unappreciated employee. It makes me sad, also because they have a little girl and I know they were way too open in their fights in front of her. I feel like it could have been fixed, but obviously I'm not in charge .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL and SIL. I thought all was good, but then she would post a pic of them coming back from a cruise saying what a great time they had, and he would text dh that she spent the whole time bitching him out about something. I think she has anxiety, and manages it by staying very busy, and gave him lots of "honey-do" projects. He said he felt like an unappreciated employee. It makes me sad, also because they have a little girl and I know they were way too open in their fights in front of her. I feel like it could have been fixed, but obviously I'm not in charge .

Your dh shouldn't have been engaging in texts bashing his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL and SIL. I thought all was good, but then she would post a pic of them coming back from a cruise saying what a great time they had, and he would text dh that she spent the whole time bitching him out about something. I think she has anxiety, and manages it by staying very busy, and gave him lots of "honey-do" projects. He said he felt like an unappreciated employee. It makes me sad, also because they have a little girl and I know they were way too open in their fights in front of her. I feel like it could have been fixed, but obviously I'm not in charge .

Your dh shouldn't have been engaging in texts bashing his wife.

What - no comment on the lying DW?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends met freshman year at an Ivy. Got married right out of college and had their first child really young. Both became extremely successful in business and law, had two more gorgeous children, big house, the most amazing hospitality. Great friends, too. She was the first one to bring me helpful items when I was pregnant. We vacationed with them a couple of times on the Outer Banks and they were really easy to share a house with.

Then our lives got busy, I stopped working at the same firm as him, /'s we fell out of touch. Fast forward a few years and I see him at my metro station in DC. Their big house was way out in MD. They were separated. He lived in an apartment. According to him, they never got to become their own people because they married so young and for him, the "perfect" life was really stressful. He didn't want to have to constantly social climb, did want to find his own way. She felt like she wanted to do way more with her career and blamed her several year stint staying at home on him-- even though he didn't ask her to do it.

All in all with them it seemed they couldn't make a decision for a lifetime at the age of 22, with the first person they dated.

I think the bolded applies to me although I am not sure people thought I was in a perfect marriage. Met my husband at age 18, together 22 years, 16 of them married, now getting divorced. I have almost zero dating experience and don't know how to conduct myself to gain some experience without being awkward.

PP -- I was you, and I'm now 4 years post-divorce (44 years old, two children now 14). About dating, I hear you - it is daunting.

My experience, in case it is helpful: Once I felt ready to dip my toes in the water, I signed up for an online dating site and went about it with a "this is just practice" attitude. Went on a lot of dates with a nothing ventured / nothing gained mindset - none terrible, most really good. I met a lot of interesting men. It was a shockingly good experience, and it really didn't take long to get comfortable and better at weeding out men with whom I wasn't likely to click / seeking out compatible men.

I've been with a fantastic guy for about a year and a half. I'm very, very happy.

Anyway, bottom line is that I had to just get over the fact that my dating experience was nil.

Good luck!

Hi PP! I really appreciate that and so hope that your experience will be mine in a few years as well. How soon after things were over with your XDH did you do this "practice dating"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone saying they have noticed a pattern of the divorcing couples to be the ones who were so active and social, it's because they never wanted to be at home alone with just each other. Being social and active is a way of avoiding being in their own house alone with one another. I know because in the low/tough points of my marriage I have noticed that I will become more social like this- almost like I need to constantly surround us with others and stay busy doing stuff because it's distracts me from whatever we have going on. When we are in our regular normal pattern and are happy and connected, I'm happier to just hang out as a family and do stuff with just us because I don't need the distraction/avoidance.

Good point pp.

+1 I totally agree ...

I completely disagree. I have two very close friends who I know for certain are in great marriages for the most part, minus your normal disagreement here and there. They both have extremely full social calendars, both the wife and the husband. I personally am of the belief that you need to have a balance between family things, date nights, and then time doing things with friends or maybe even a hobby that you have just for yourself. Your spouse is not suppose to be your everything. That puts way too much pressure on a person. It is VERY healthy to have outside active relationships and interests that don't involve your spouse. This is also discussed in couples therapy 101. If you think being attached at the hip at all times is a sign of a good marriage you should research dependency issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone saying they have noticed a pattern of the divorcing couples to be the ones who were so active and social, it's because they never wanted to be at home alone with just each other. Being social and active is a way of avoiding being in their own house alone with one another. I know because in the low/tough points of my marriage I have noticed that I will become more social like this- almost like I need to constantly surround us with others and stay busy doing stuff because it's distracts me from whatever we have going on. When we are in our regular normal pattern and are happy and connected, I'm happier to just hang out as a family and do stuff with just us because I don't need the distraction/avoidance.

Good point pp.

+1 I totally agree ...

I completely disagree. I have two very close friends who I know for certain are in great marriages for the most part, minus your normal disagreement here and there. They both have extremely full social calendars, both the wife and the husband. I personally am of the belief that you need to have a balance between family things, date nights, and then time doing things with friends or maybe even a hobby that you have just for yourself. Your spouse is not suppose to be your everything. That puts way too much pressure on a person. It is VERY healthy to have outside active relationships and interests that don't involve your spouse. This is also discussed in couples therapy 101. If you think being attached at the hip at all times is a sign of a good marriage you should research dependency issues.

Perhaps you don't understand. I don't think what is being said here is that being attached at the hip is a sign of a good marriage. What the other PP said was that sometimes couples compensate for not wanting to be with each other by doing too much with other people. Of course a balance is best. But when you are out of balance (that couple time is strained) it is possible to overcompensate in other areas ... extra time on your hobby, extra time with other people. So, this is just one strategy that unhappy couples use that masks the underlying feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone saying they have noticed a pattern of the divorcing couples to be the ones who were so active and social, it's because they never wanted to be at home alone with just each other. Being social and active is a way of avoiding being in their own house alone with one another. I know because in the low/tough points of my marriage I have noticed that I will become more social like this- almost like I need to constantly surround us with others and stay busy doing stuff because it's distracts me from whatever we have going on. When we are in our regular normal pattern and are happy and connected, I'm happier to just hang out as a family and do stuff with just us because I don't need the distraction/avoidance.

Good point pp.

+1 I totally agree ...

I completely disagree. I have two very close friends who I know for certain are in great marriages for the most part, minus your normal disagreement here and there. They both have extremely full social calendars, both the wife and the husband. I personally am of the belief that you need to have a balance between family things, date nights, and then time doing things with friends or maybe even a hobby that you have just for yourself. Your spouse is not suppose to be your everything. That puts way too much pressure on a person. It is VERY healthy to have outside active relationships and interests that don't involve your spouse. This is also discussed in couples therapy 101. If you think being attached at the hip at all times is a sign of a good marriage you should research dependency issues.

Perhaps you don't understand. I don't think what is being said here is that being attached at the hip is a sign of a good marriage. What the other PP said was that sometimes couples compensate for not wanting to be with each other by doing too much with other people. Of course a balance is best. But when you are out of balance (that couple time is strained) it is possible to overcompensate in other areas ... extra time on your hobby, extra time with other people. So, this is just one strategy that unhappy couples use that masks the underlying feelings.

Exactly. I am one of the other PPs who has noticed this. We were just saying that some couples use this as a coping mechanism, just like some couples focus obsessively on their kids to avoid intimacy, and so on.

You sound ridiculously defensive. Maybe you should research defensiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL and SIL. I thought all was good, but then she would post a pic of them coming back from a cruise saying what a great time they had, and he would text dh that she spent the whole time bitching him out about something. I think she has anxiety, and manages it by staying very busy, and gave him lots of "honey-do" projects. He said he felt like an unappreciated employee. It makes me sad, also because they have a little girl and I know they were way too open in their fights in front of her. I feel like it could have been fixed, but obviously I'm not in charge .

Your dh shouldn't have been engaging in texts bashing his wife.

Yes, texting his brother to vent about his wife is clearly what killed bil's marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For everyone saying they have noticed a pattern of the divorcing couples to be the ones who were so active and social, it's because they never wanted to be at home alone with just each other. Being social and active is a way of avoiding being in their own house alone with one another. I know because in the low/tough points of my marriage I have noticed that I will become more social like this- almost like I need to constantly surround us with others and stay busy doing stuff because it's distracts me from whatever we have going on. When we are in our regular normal pattern and are happy and connected, I'm happier to just hang out as a family and do stuff with just us because I don't need the distraction/avoidance.

Good point pp.

+1 I totally agree ...

I completely disagree. I have two very close friends who I know for certain are in great marriages for the most part, minus your normal disagreement here and there. They both have extremely full social calendars, both the wife and the husband. I personally am of the belief that you need to have a balance between family things, date nights, and then time doing things with friends or maybe even a hobby that you have just for yourself. Your spouse is not suppose to be your everything. That puts way too much pressure on a person. It is VERY healthy to have outside active relationships and interests that don't involve your spouse. This is also discussed in couples therapy 101. If you think being attached at the hip at all times is a sign of a good marriage you should research dependency issues.

Well the point went right over your little head didn't it. I don't have dependency issues- I specifically said I have myself done this in low periods of my marriage. It's an avoidance tactic- keep busy and always around others. It's planning a fun activity and making sure to invite 2-3 families so that it's not just yours. It's only going out for date night with other couples. It's a total avoidance of being alone with the person with whom you're disconnected from at that time. And also, a way to kind of force yourselves to put on your good sides ... You have to perform for all the people you're surrounding yourself with. When my marriage is in a happy place like it normally is, I don't feel this compulsion. We can have dinner and not invite the whole neighborhood or go on an outing with just our family. It's a coping technique when you HAVE to surround yourself with people and stay wildly busy to avoid just staring at your spouse at home because you're not happy right then.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws seemed to have the perfect marriage. Two successful adult children, a large, well-kept home, multiple vacations every year. MIL taught some bible study class focused on marriage. Right up until the day she walked out to chase after her high school flame a thousand miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws seemed to have the perfect marriage. Two successful adult children, a large, well-kept home, multiple vacations every year. MIL taught some bible study class focused on marriage. Right up until the day she walked out to chase after her high school flame a thousand miles away.

How did that work out for her?

[Anonymous]

My friend and her husband also seemed to have a perfect marriage. He's a partner earning $400k; she's a well-regarded psychologist.

When I was over at their home a couple of years ago, though, I noticed a very extensive "Honey Do" list. Cut the grass, make breakfast for the kids, laundry, fix leaky faucet, out in new cabinets, etc.

Besides each item, there was a due date and # of days past due. I told my friend I love her, but that she sounds like a b****. She couldn't take the tough love and severed ties with me.

Last year on Facebook I saw a picture of him with a gorgeous young thing. Evidently she worked with him at his firm, saw that he makes for a dream husband, and gave him the oomph to walk out on his now ex-wife (and unfortunately my ex-friend).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and her husband also seemed to have a perfect marriage. He's a partner earning $400k; she's a well-regarded psychologist.

When I was over at their home a couple of years ago, though, I noticed a very extensive "Honey Do" list. Cut the grass, make breakfast for the kids, laundry, fix leaky faucet, out in new cabinets, etc.

Besides each item, there was a due date and # of days past due. I told my friend I love her, but that she sounds like a b****. She couldn't take the tough love and severed ties with me.

Last year on Facebook I saw a picture of him with a gorgeous young thing. Evidently she worked with him at his firm, saw that he makes for a dream husband, and gave him the oomph to walk out on his now ex-wife (and unfortunately my ex-friend).

PP with the divorced BIL/SIL here. Sounds like something my SIL would have done! Just not healthy for a marriage.

Apparently my BIL/SIL went to counseling with multiple counsellors. One sided with BIL, one with SIL. BIL is truly a great guy, and I think if SIL had been more appreciative of what he did, and didn't think so much of him as a person in charge of her to-do list, things might have gone better. The summer after they seperated (he moved out and was in an apartment), he spent a weekend with us visiting extended family. She was on vacation overseas, and called to yell at him for being out of town with us instead of installing a new closet system for their dd like she had told him too. I lost a lot of respect for her right there.

[Anonymous]

Interesting how people are defining "perfect couple" -- salary, vacations, socializing, met at an Ivy, etc. Not much about how those people treated each other or their moods/behaviors when together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how people are defining "perfect couple" -- salary, vacations, socializing, met at an Ivy, etc. Not much about how those people treated each other or their moods/behaviors when together.

That is a good point. He could be a neurosurgeon who beats his wife or she could be a marketing executive with a severe heroin problem (one of my friend's was the latter) but you wouldn't know it unless things blew way out of control.