We offered to pay for my sister's kids to go to private — she refuses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

THANK YOU. Money comes with strings attached. Would OP's sister want to be forever indebted to a someone who thought she was a stupid loser? I think not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Facing a similar situation. Have a cousin who is in custody of her grandmother (my relative) as mother got into lots of trouble and had custody taken away. I don't refer to it as flyover country, but heroin and meth pervades in her town so maybe it's heroin alley? We've been paying her full tuition at the only local private school, but that school only educates up to 8th grade. We took them to visit 2 boarding schools a few hours away, and they seemed to like it, but now it's incredibly difficult to get her grandmother to take any of the steps towards the application process. To me, it's not that difficult to print out the teacher recommendation forms and hand them to the teachers, but it's not something I can do from here hundreds of miles away.

I've never interfered in the school I currently pay for. I don't even know her grades, though I've heard they are good. If she doesn't continue in some type of private school, we fear she's going to end up in a bad situation at the local public high school, where teenage pregnancy, meth arrests, and opiate overdoses are a regular occurrence.

My guess is grandmother is wavering between the boarding school idea. She's older so it would be hard to manage a teenager and she knows it, but on the other hand she'll be all alone if my cousin moves out. She has no friends and family left in the town she lives in, and doens't work either.

maybe if your grandma moved closer to the school, she would have fewer reservations about boarding school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

THANK YOU. Money comes with strings attached. Would OP's sister want to be forever indebted to a someone who thought she was a stupid loser? I think not.

This, exactly. MIL offered to pay for our kids to go to private and we declined for these reasons. We were appreciative of her offer but we were not confident that the offer would be renewed each year - whether because of a change in MILs circumstances or because of unspoken strings attached to the gift (even if MIL herself did not intend there to be strings at the outset). She reacted with righteous indignation, which frankly made it easier to feel confident in our decision to decline ...

[Anonymous]

Reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast 'Carlos Doesn't Remember' http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/04-carlos-doesnt-remember

Dirt poor kid got into Choate, which is a very elite boarding school. Full scholarship. His selfish ignorant trash mother wouldn't let him go.

People need to stop romanticizing ignorant people. There's nothing redeemable about trashy parents ruining their kids' futures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

As a Wilson parent I'd happily take 1 or 2 years at a Cathedral school and run the risk of not getting years 3 and 4. And from what I've heard, if your child is in good standing and a part of clubs, etc., privates will work with the student's family to keep them there if the financial situation changes.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
It is a generous offer but likely socially awkward fro the kids to move from their public to a private. There is likely some rivalry between the schools and the kids aren't willing to cross that line. Another way to support the kids is to offer to pay for SAT tutoring at a local place. It may be a luxury that their parents cannot afford or would not think is important. Also consider funding the kids to go on an international trip for spring break or for a few weeks during the summer. Look at the Global Leadership Adventures trips and the Rustic Pathways trips. My DD does intl service/adventure trips each summer and believes she has found her calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
It is a generous offer but likely socially awkward fro the kids to move from their public to a private. There is likely some rivalry between the schools and the kids aren't willing to cross that line. Another way to support the kids is to offer to pay for SAT tutoring at a local place. It may be a luxury that their parents cannot afford or would not think is important. Also consider funding the kids to go on an international trip for spring break or for a few weeks during the summer. Look at the Global Leadership Adventures trips and the Rustic Pathways trips. My DD does intl service/adventure trips each summer and believes she has found her calling.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast 'Carlos Doesn't Remember' http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/04-carlos-doesnt-remember

Dirt poor kid got into Choate, which is a very elite boarding school. Full scholarship. His selfish ignorant trash mother wouldn't let him go.

People need to stop romanticizing ignorant people. There's nothing redeemable about trashy parents ruining their kids' futures.

That podcast was about the child of a drug addict who had her kids taken away and put into foster care.

OP is talking about kids who are well cared for, who attend school, and who just happen to live in a part of the country OP thinks is inferior.

These two things could not be more dissimilar. In fact, the nieces are probably more like OP's own kids than they are like Carlos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast 'Carlos Doesn't Remember' http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/04-carlos-doesnt-remember

Dirt poor kid got into Choate, which is a very elite boarding school. Full scholarship. His selfish ignorant trash mother wouldn't let him go.

People need to stop romanticizing ignorant people. There's nothing redeemable about trashy parents ruining their kids' futures.

That podcast was about the child of a drug addict who had her kids taken away and put into foster care.

OP is talking about kids who are well cared for, who attend school, and who just happen to live in a part of the country OP thinks is inferior.

These two things could not be more dissimilar. In fact, the nieces are probably more like OP's own kids than they are like Carlos.

There's too little information. For example, we don't know if the public school in question is truly terrible, or "just OK" in comparison to the prep school. If the kids are getting into trouble or having significant issues, or are happy. What this family values or wants.

It's unclear whether there's a danger in the situation that needs addressing or if OP and the sister simply live in very different communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast 'Carlos Doesn't Remember' http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/04-carlos-doesnt-remember

Dirt poor kid got into Choate, which is a very elite boarding school. Full scholarship. His selfish ignorant trash mother wouldn't let him go.

People need to stop romanticizing ignorant people. There's nothing redeemable about trashy parents ruining their kids' futures.

That podcast was about the child of a drug addict who had her kids taken away and put into foster care.

OP is talking about kids who are well cared for, who attend school, and who just happen to live in a part of the country OP thinks is inferior.

These two things could not be more dissimilar. In fact, the nieces are probably more like OP's own kids than they are like Carlos.

Both situations boil down to ignorant parents turning down a better education for their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast 'Carlos Doesn't Remember' http://revisionisthistory.com/episodes/04-carlos-doesnt-remember

Dirt poor kid got into Choate, which is a very elite boarding school. Full scholarship. His selfish ignorant trash mother wouldn't let him go.

People need to stop romanticizing ignorant people. There's nothing redeemable about trashy parents ruining their kids' futures.

That podcast was about the child of a drug addict who had her kids taken away and put into foster care.

OP is talking about kids who are well cared for, who attend school, and who just happen to live in a part of the country OP thinks is inferior.

These two things could not be more dissimilar. In fact, the nieces are probably more like OP's own kids than they are like Carlos.

There's too little information. For example, we don't know if the public school in question is truly terrible, or "just OK" in comparison to the prep school. If the kids are getting into trouble or having significant issues, or are happy. What this family values or wants.

It's unclear whether there's a danger in the situation that needs addressing or if OP and the sister simply live in very different communities.

In flyover country the $10k-13k/yr prep schools are superior to 99% of the state's public schools. In fact, prep schools in flyover are often full of students who live in the state's tippy top public districts. For example, Gov. of Ohio John Kasich lives in a premier Ohio suburb yet his daughters attend a Catholic prep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

As a Wilson parent I'd happily take 1 or 2 years at a Cathedral school and run the risk of not getting years 3 and 4. And from what I've heard, if your child is in good standing and a part of clubs, etc., privates will work with the student's family to keep them there if the financial situation changes.

I'm the pp you're quoting and that's the difference between people. We would not take a couple years here, then a couple years there. Oh, and even if the school would "work with us" we couldn't afford even that, so it really was a matter of them paying the whole thing or none at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

As a Wilson parent I'd happily take 1 or 2 years at a Cathedral school and run the risk of not getting years 3 and 4. And from what I've heard, if your child is in good standing and a part of clubs, etc., privates will work with the student's family to keep them there if the financial situation changes.

I'm the pp you're quoting and that's the difference between people. We would not take a couple years here, then a couple years there. Oh, and even if the school would "work with us" we couldn't afford even that, so it really was a matter of them paying the whole thing or none at all.

Families do the public-private-public or private-public-private thing for a variety of reasons all the time. It's not a traumatic experience. And with social media and iPhones, kids always stay connected with the same friends (if that's what they want). Either way, it's merely pessimistic hypothetical that the funding would cease. I'd gladly roll the dice. If a rich uncle can afford to casually gift $13k a year, I'm guessing they're mature and responsible enough to earmark the sum of the high school cost.

[Anonymous]

These private schools in "flyover" country are not necessarily better than the public schools. My sister and I attended our local rural public high school, and our wealthier cousins attended a private boarding school as day students. The private school is well-respected. Nevertheless, my sister and I ended up with six advanced degrees between us, and only one of our two cousins managed to finish her Bachelor's degree.

[Anonymous]

Academics are a muscle, college is bench pressing 200 pounds. I don't care how motivated a kid is or if a rich uncle steps in at 18yo and pays for all the college expenses; a kid ain't bench pressing 200 pounds unless they developed the 'muscles' in high school.