We offered to pay for my sister's kids to go to private — she refuses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I convince her? Nieces and nephews are in terrible publics back in flyover country. The local private prep is only $13K a year, my husband is eager to pay for. Two kids, ages 12 and 14. Sister did not attend college, is honestly pretty sheltered and not very bright. Would love to help give her kids more opportunity, and I think that starts with a stronger school. I know it's not a miracle pill, but often merely bathing in the ethos makes a world of difference.

Statistically, there is a very high correlation between siblings in terms of intellect and potential (unless of course, there has been some instance of chemical or physical brain damage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's very strange to offer to pay. It's not surprising they declined.

I think its sad that you and others find a family member wanting to help is strange.

I do too. I wish I could help out my sister and nieces right now but we can't.

[Anonymous]

It was a nice offer OP. Now just respect their wishes.

I went to a private school in a non-DC area, but in a neighboring state. My parents could cover the tuition but could not keep up with all the expenses and the fund raising needed for me to "fit in." I ended up not feeling like I was part of the private school community AND not part of the local public school community. And, on top of that, the private school was founded to initially exclude black people, so the black professionals I meet in DC from my home area give me the side eye when I tell them where I went to school.

Feel like I am from nowhere and have little connection to my home area. Try to keep my high school on the down low in the DC because lots of black professionals here (who I work with) know going there (usually) meant you were raised by racists. On the plus side, I did receive a good education and have been successful in my career. Was able to move far enough away for many years that people had no idea where I went to school--and interacted with enough people that to shed the racist training.

There are many other issues beside tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess, as other said, is that the parents have suspicions about your assessment of them.

~~~~~

Perhaps you could try a different tactic: open a college fund for these kids, assuming that sooner or later they'll want to at least enroll in a state college, a trade school, community college, etc. From what you are suggesting they aren't going to be preparing applications to Middlebury. And, unlike offering to fix their current life, a college fund simply communicates faith in their future ability.

... with the parents' permission, of course. OP, you and your husband sound very generous and it is kind of you to be concerned about your sister's children. If the parents don't give their permission, then perhaps you can still set money aside and then approach each child when s/he is 18 and use the fund as an encouragement to at least enter community college or vocational schools. And then help the children examine the options.

So many folks in the DCUM world have a tunnel vision about this topic because they cannot imagine anything different than their own perspective. Or all they feel is judgement because, well, they judge.

But having come from a small, rural school where only 1 graduating senior (guess who!) out of 86 went on the next year to college, it can be hard for children with little exposure to college to see the path and benefit. You may want to find out if the middle and high schools the children attend are AVID (www.avid.org) schools. AVID is a program entirely focused on children who would be the first in their families to go to college. At the very least, there are some good resources on the AVID site.

Also, from your post, it doesn't sound as though you and your husband see your sister and family a lot. This is not working in your favor with your very gracious offer. Perhaps there is a way to amp up the relationship with weekly phone calls to your sister or to Skype? Or plan a visit? Or plan a reward trip for certain grades (although this might not work if the kids don't know you)?

Sounds like your hearts are in the right place but, since your initial offer was rejected, this won't be a one and done deal if you choose to proceed. It will take a little more effort to build trust. Good luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

I can call it flyover country if I please. I'm from there!

The private is the best in the area. I know it very well.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

Why would they go to college if they're not going to he prepared and most of their friends don't and they have no money? Every day they spend at a subpar school nudges them AWAY from college.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

OP, can you tell us

1) why your sister said no, and

2) (If the answer is different) why *you think* your sister said no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, can you tell us

1) why your sister said no, and

2) (If the answer is different) why *you think* your sister said no?

She's close-minded

[Anonymous]

My FIL is always trying to insist on sending my kid to an independent school and paying for it. He is such a blowhard. He doesn't think any public school with black and brown kids could possibly be good.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't help people if they won't let you. We and my parents really tried to help my nephew, and it seemed like he was on the right track to start college this fall, but has decided to stay home and do nothing like my brother and his wife (they literally have not worked for 8 years). He says he's going to go to school but honestly we will believe it when we see it. The negative influence from his mother and the do-nothing that is difficult attitude from his father have permeated too deeply.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? Moving kids at 12 and 14 when they have been with the same community of kids since kindergarten is no picnic. Money isn't the only reason people choose one community or school over another. I don't know your hometown or the schools there, but I keep seeing this from the sister's point of view. It would sound insulting to me, as if you think that you know better than I how to raise my kids, and as if you assume blithely -- which you do -- that this prep school would be better for my kids. There's really no way you would know if it were going to be better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL is always trying to insist on sending my kid to an independent school and paying for it. He is such a blowhard. He doesn't think any public school with black and brown kids could possibly be good.

If it weren't for grandparents like this (and maybe IMF stipends) private schools around here would have a hard time filling their seats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Moving kids at 12 and 14 when they have been with the same community of kids since kindergarten is no picnic. Money isn't the only reason people choose one community or school over another. I don't know your hometown or the schools there, but I keep seeing this from the sister's point of view. It would sound insulting to me, as if you think that you know better than I how to raise my kids, and as if you assume blithely -- which you do -- that this prep school would be better for my kids. There's really no way you would know if it were going to be better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Quite obvious over half the people responding to this are public parents. Don't you all have your own forum?

[Anonymous]

Troll