We offered to pay for my sister's kids to go to private — she refuses

[Anonymous]

I agree with others OP. Don't say "flyover country" The only variable that matters is bad publics, and maybe that the family doesn't see the value.

And you can't convince her. this is squarely your DH's territory. You can only support DH. And you do need to turn down your disdain. There isn't only one way in life, even if your way has data behind it. If you can't see things from their perspective, you won't be able to

Finally, one idea you may find useful is to have your MIL and FIL be the contributors, not you. DH and I helped his sister escape living in a bad neighborhood (and a move her kids to a great school district) this way. You could gift the money to the in laws as needed, but it would avoid the pitfalls of sibling competition if your in laws can see the wisdom in this. my DH is so proud and happy with how is nieces and nephews are doing and has no plans ever to share where the money came from.

[Anonymous]

Okay, you offered. You can't force parenting decisions on your sister.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are lording over your sister with your wealth. She may not be very bright or educated, but she sees your condescension and a potential future obligation clearly enough. She does not want to be indebted to you and it hurts her pride to accept your charity, as it's offered in such a pitying way. The PPs are correct that your attitude is offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

You haven't been around working poor/ lower middle class people. College isn't a given. If the kids go to private high school they stand a much better chance to go to college because they will have a different peer group. Most parents who pay over 10,000 for high school expect their kids to go to college.
OP- you and DH are doing the right thing. Keep trying and begging them to accept, it might be too late with the 14 year old but you might have a chance with the 12 year old. I have 2 sil's that never attended college. I pay my nephews and nieces 100 dollars a semester if they get straight A's, 75 for all A's and one B (except PE I don't count as long as they pass). We are the only family members who encourage academics. If I had the money we would pay for one nephew who tries really hard to get straight A's to go to private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flyover country? Not very bright? Sheltered?

Yeah, I'd avoid you like the plague too. You sound insufferable.

I cringe when people use the term "flyover country" too.

"I'm an East coast snob who happens to be smartest person in the room and have traveled to Paris. Twice. How do I get my sister to bend to my will?"

[Anonymous]

Sister did not attend college, is honestly pretty sheltered and not very bright.

That statement is so disrespectful. There's a reason she said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

Doesn't sound like they will be going to college.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of good reasons why your sister might be uncomfortable with the local privates. Perhaps they're far away, perhaps she thinks they wouldn't fit in, perhaps her kids have special needs which are better taken care of in the public school.

If the children have good grades right now, then your best bet may be to start preparing your sister for the fact that college might be a necessary expense to plan for, with your help, even if they end up not going and getting an annual 100K job as a plumber instead

[Anonymous]

On a side note, my cousin who went to beauty school and ended up a high end salon earns tons more than her husband who came out of an exclusive private boys school and went to a reputable university in tyeir area, is the main breadwinner of the family and only works 3 days/week plus some weekend weddings/proms/events.

The same could be said for many people working in the trades.

OP, your way is not the only way. Don't be a snob, especially since it sounds like this is your husband's money and not based off your earning power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

You haven't been around working poor/ lower middle class people. College isn't a given. If the kids go to private high school they stand a much better chance to go to college because they will have a different peer group. Most parents who pay over 10,000 for high school expect their kids to go to college.
OP- you and DH are doing the right thing. Keep trying and begging them to accept, it might be too late with the 14 year old but you might have a chance with the 12 year old. I have 2 sil's that never attended college. I pay my nephews and nieces 100 dollars a semester if they get straight A's, 75 for all A's and one B (except PE I don't count as long as they pass). We are the only family members who encourage academics. If I had the money we would pay for one nephew who tries really hard to get straight A's to go to private school.

NP here. I grew up working class. My parents valued academics -- in fact, they valued academics much more than all of the emphasis on sports I see among the upper middle class now. My parents were strict with grades. Sure, they didn't know how to navigate college applications and scholarships, but they pressed me hard and made it clear that I had to find a way to pay for it. They also made it clear that not going to college would make my life a lot harder.

My parents would never have accepted money from a relative for school. NEVER. Because they also valued earning things themselves and not taking handouts. And they taught me to value that as well.

I ended up with a full academic scholarship.

Don't make generalizations about "the working class."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

They may not be prepared for college if the public schools are really bad and mother is not their education advocate. It may be too late to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do I convince her? Nieces and nephews are in terrible publics back in flyover country. The local private prep is only $13K a year, my husband is eager to pay for. Two kids, ages 12 and 14. Sister did not attend college, is honestly pretty sheltered and not very bright. Would love to help give her kids more opportunity, and I think that starts with a stronger school. I know it's not a miracle pill, but often merely bathing in the ethos makes a world of difference.

Maybe they prefer that their kids bathe in a different "ethos"-- one in which they are exposed to a wide variety of people from diverse backgrounds. "Terrible" public schools are usually a reflection of the student's SES, not the quality of the school.

MYOB. Bright students can do very well in schools that are otherwise ranked poorly because they have a lot of kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sister did not attend college, is honestly pretty sheltered and not very bright.

That statement is so disrespectful. There's a reason she said no.

They could be true statements although they may be offensive to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others OP. Don't say "flyover country" The only variable that matters is bad publics, and maybe that the family doesn't see the value.

And you can't convince her. this is squarely your DH's territory. You can only support DH. And you do need to turn down your disdain. There isn't only one way in life, even if your way has data behind it. If you can't see things from their perspective, you won't be able to

Finally, one idea you may find useful is to have your MIL and FIL be the contributors, not you. DH and I helped his sister escape living in a bad neighborhood (and a move her kids to a great school district) this way. You could gift the money to the in laws as needed, but it would avoid the pitfalls of sibling competition if your in laws can see the wisdom in this. my DH is so proud and happy with how is nieces and nephews are doing and has no plans ever to share where the money came from.

It's her sister. Her DHs parents may not even know her.

[Anonymous]

My guess, as other said, is that the parents have suspicions about your assessment of them. That, and they may not see a problem with the school or value the alternatives. You are being very kind but maybe you just aren't offering what they want.

It is one thing to receive an offer of help to pay for private school, after confiding in a family member that you are worried about your local school and wish you could afford to go private.

It's another matter when you don't see any particular problem with your life, and a sibling calls you up offering to help solve a problem only *they* see with your situation.

Here's a more neutral example: My parents think we should live in a large suburban house. We do not. I prefer to live in a city, and I prefer no more space than I need. This is a personal and political preference that I have. If my parents, or another relative to whom my parents had spoken, phoned up and offered to "help me buy a suitable house" -- conveying clearly that they disapproved of my current home -- then I would turn them down flat. I would understand what they were trying to do, and I'd appreciate them for the effort. But come on: it is a humiliating conversation.

Perhaps you could try a different tactic: open a college fund for these kids, assuming that sooner or later they'll want to at least enroll in a state college, a trade school, community college, etc. From what you are suggesting they aren't going to be preparing applications to Middlebury. And, unlike offering to fix their current life, a college fund simply communicates faith in their future ability.