We offered to pay for my sister's kids to go to private — she refuses

[Anonymous]

Keep an open door policy if she changes her mind but let it go for now

[Anonymous]

I have a relative like the OP, always trying to buy love from others by throwing her money around. Taking money from her is like selling your soul to the devil. She is a nasty controlling person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would wait for college and guide the kids once they are 18.

Waiting until 18 is horrible advice unless by some miracle the kids ace a bunch of AP exams and have a 90 percentile SAT score. But that's wishful thinking. Usually kids in crap areas graduate h.s. testing at least 5-6 years behind peers in decent areas, maybe 10 years behind kids in top districts. The odds of an 18yo taking college seriously when they're several years behind "college ready" isn't realistic - their fate is sealed.

[Anonymous]

OP - did you go to the public or the private school there? If you can make it out of that world from the public so can they. Provide incentives for college. They don't need to pay for HS because there is an obvious, free option. But college might seem impossible right now purely because of the cost. I'd offer that up next.

Or just tell your sister that you want to help them and what does she think would be the most helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - did you go to the public or the private school there? If you can make it out of that world from the public so can they. Provide incentives for college. They don't need to pay for HS because there is an obvious, free option. But college might seem impossible right now purely because of the cost. I'd offer that up next.

Or just tell your sister that you want to help them and what does she think would be the most helpful.

You could also offer to contribute to school funds without the kids knowing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you clearly have your heart in the right place but you may have offendd your sister. Try again in a very gentle way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

THANK YOU. Money comes with strings attached. Would OP's sister want to be forever indebted to a someone who thought she was a stupid loser? I think not.

Exactly. OP is visibly full of contempt for her sister. I can only imagine the tone of the offer to pay for private school. I'm sure it put the sister's back up, and a lot of people aren't going to accept your charity after you've insulted them. It's hard to tell whether the public school is even all that awful from OP's comments. But it's clear that the sister would be and feel under a huge obligation to someone who doesn't respect her, and that's a tough position to be in. Maybe the sister is being short-sighted and defensive, but OP's generosity might also be a hard pill to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad made a mint in real estate and a decade ago he made a similar offer to my his lower means grandkids, my nieces and nephews. It was turned down. The kids are now 18-25yo and all of them are 100% trashy losers. I refuse to attend any family function where this specific family will be. It's too disgusting to be around them. Their ego and ignorance doomed their kids and their kids predictably grew up to be dumb white trash with no future.

There is no amount of education or money that can redeem someone who calls their own nieces and nephews disgusting, dumb, doomed, trashy losers.

I'm the PP. I used to believe they had potential, but then they turned into disgusting, dumb, doomed, trashy losers. Would you prefer I lie?

NP

I'd prefer that you show some empathy and respect for people who are your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad made a mint in real estate and a decade ago he made a similar offer to my his lower means grandkids, my nieces and nephews. It was turned down. The kids are now 18-25yo and all of them are 100% trashy losers. I refuse to attend any family function where this specific family will be. It's too disgusting to be around them. Their ego and ignorance doomed their kids and their kids predictably grew up to be dumb white trash with no future.

There is no amount of education or money that can redeem someone who calls their own nieces and nephews disgusting, dumb, doomed, trashy losers.

I'm the PP. I used to believe they had potential, but then they turned into disgusting, dumb, doomed, trashy losers. Would you prefer I lie?

NP

I'd prefer that you show some empathy and respect for people who are your family.

why? Just being family doesnt earn one respect. You have to EARN respect. I have never understood your attitude PP, and no, I am not OP or immmediate PP.

[Anonymous]

After some time, what about offering to open a 529 fund for each so that they can go to college (the kind where they can use the money to go to any college)?

[Anonymous]

The offer was made. The offer, however kind, was rejected. End of story. Move on.

Btw, being from there doesn't eliminate the condescension of calling it "flyover country." Sometimes the people who are most condescending towards some parts of the country are from those very places and are working out their own feelings of insecurity. Note I said "sometimes," not everyone.

For what it's worth, "flyover country" pretty consistently turns out many of the better performing students in the country. Places like Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Indiana and Illinois do quite well compared to the rest of the nation.