We offered to pay for my sister's kids to go to private — she refuses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are lording over your sister with your wealth. She may not be very bright or educated, but she sees your condescension and a potential future obligation clearly enough. She does not want to be indebted to you and it hurts her pride to accept your charity, as it's offered in such a pitying way. The PPs are correct that your attitude is offensive.

You mean her husbands wealth. It's so obvious.

[Anonymous]

So she didn't whore herself out as well as you did? Got it.

[Anonymous]

Feel free to pay for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feel free to pay for my kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

If you feel compelled to pay for private school for someone...I would gladly accept the tuition assistance for my three children. We are out in Prince William County so it's practically 'fly over' right?

[Anonymous]

Your sister is an idiot and anyone defending her in this thread is a bitter public parent or just trolling. This is a complete no-brainer. I know plenty of grandparents paying for grandkids at my daughter's private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is an idiot and anyone defending her in this thread is a bitter public parent or just trolling. This is a complete no-brainer. I know plenty of grandparents paying for grandkids at my daughter's private school.

Lol @ bitter public parent.
- big 3 grad who chose public over private we could easily afford

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, can you tell us

1) why your sister said no, and

2) (If the answer is different) why *you think* your sister said no?

She's close-minded

The more you post OP the clearer it becomes that the closed minded one is you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is an idiot and anyone defending her in this thread is a bitter public parent or just trolling. This is a complete no-brainer. I know plenty of grandparents paying for grandkids at my daughter's private school.

No one doubts that, but grandparents paying is different than a sister paying. Moreover, OP is openly contemptuous of her sister. That kind of "help" comes with so many strings as to be self-defeating. You KNOW OP is the type to use the financial assistance as a stick to beat her sister and nieces about the head with. She would absolutely demand to see report cards and the like. Not worth it. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is an idiot and anyone defending her in this thread is a bitter public parent or just trolling. This is a complete no-brainer. I know plenty of grandparents paying for grandkids at my daughter's private school.

No one doubts that, but grandparents paying is different than a sister paying. Moreover, OP is openly contemptuous of her sister. That kind of "help" comes with so many strings as to be self-defeating. You KNOW OP is the type to use the financial assistance as a stick to beat her sister and nieces about the head with. She would absolutely demand to see report cards and the like. Not worth it. Not at all.

There's also a huge difference between receiving help from a parent (or other family member) to help you obtain something you want / need, and receiving an unsolicited offer to "fix" your family.

I don't know what the dynamics are here, OP. But notably you haven't told us what your sister wants, what her kids want, or if there are problems the family is having that made you offer help. You have only stated what you think this sister's deficiencies are. I don't think you will get very far here if you can't have a dialog with them where there is some mutual appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are far better off paying for college over high school.

You haven't been around working poor/ lower middle class people. College isn't a given. If the kids go to private high school they stand a much better chance to go to college because they will have a different peer group. Most parents who pay over 10,000 for high school expect their kids to go to college.
OP- you and DH are doing the right thing. Keep trying and begging them to accept, it might be too late with the 14 year old but you might have a chance with the 12 year old. I have 2 sil's that never attended college. I pay my nephews and nieces 100 dollars a semester if they get straight A's, 75 for all A's and one B (except PE I don't count as long as they pass). We are the only family members who encourage academics. If I had the money we would pay for one nephew who tries really hard to get straight A's to go to private school.

NP here. I grew up working class. My parents valued academics -- in fact, they valued academics much more than all of the emphasis on sports I see among the upper middle class now. My parents were strict with grades. Sure, they didn't know how to navigate college applications and scholarships, but they pressed me hard and made it clear that I had to find a way to pay for it. They also made it clear that not going to college would make my life a lot harder.

My parents would never have accepted money from a relative for school. NEVER. Because they also valued earning things themselves and not taking handouts. And they taught me to value that as well.

I ended up with a full academic scholarship.

Don't make generalizations about "the working class."

OFF TOPIC but, PP, you clearly dont get what is going on here (see bolded section above). Those UMC parents you think are emphasizing athletics over academics are not. They just EXPECT the top academics because in their world that is a GIVEN. They are emphasizing athletics because they know that for a UMC (and esp white) kid from a private school or top suburban public, athletics can be what make a kid stand out when they apply to college. Many kids around here who go to Ivies, top State Universities, NESCACs , etc... get in on a hook of their sport (Crew, Lacrosse, Squash, Baseball, etc...) but only because they already have top grades and SATs. The athletics are what distinguish them from the "pack" of similarly stellar students in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quite obvious over half the people responding to this are public parents. Don't you all have your own forum?

Listen I've had kids in both. Those who are committed to private may feel it is obvious that any private school is better than any public school, but they are objectively incorrect. Maybe this school would be better for her kids and maybe not. The OP makes it sound like her husband's money is the last thing left to save these children from squalor. She simultaneously insulted everyone living anywhere but DC, NYC, and SF, and everyone who attends public school. I don't think you want her on your team on this forum.

[Anonymous]

OP, from someone who has turned down an offer from a family member to pay for my kid to go to private school, I'd like to tell you why we made our decision.

We completely were grateful for the offer and thought it was very generous. But like others have said, the move would be difficult for our kid. But more importantly, We were worried that while the offer was good this year (and next, and next and next) we never knew when the family member would either choose to stop paying for the school or be unable to pay.

It put us in a situation where we felt if we ever got into a heated argument, or they didn't like something we did or didn't do, they'd no longer pay tuition - and even if they didn't stop paying, we would feel very weird if, let's say, we were fighting or arguing about something and they whipped out their check to pay for the next tuition payment. Along the same lines, we don't know their specific financial situation. they say they could cover it, and wanted to, but we weren't in control of their finances (of course) so we'd never know when or if they would be unable to pay for one semester or year. We are in no way even remotely able to cover a private school tuition so if they didn't pay, our kid would be out.

that put us in a very awkward position. We didn't want to gamble with our kid's teenage social/adjustment by potentially being put in, pulled out, and put back into a private school.

[Anonymous]

Facing a similar situation. Have a cousin who is in custody of her grandmother (my relative) as mother got into lots of trouble and had custody taken away. I don't refer to it as flyover country, but heroin and meth pervades in her town so maybe it's heroin alley? We've been paying her full tuition at the only local private school, but that school only educates up to 8th grade. We took them to visit 2 boarding schools a few hours away, and they seemed to like it, but now it's incredibly difficult to get her grandmother to take any of the steps towards the application process. To me, it's not that difficult to print out the teacher recommendation forms and hand them to the teachers, but it's not something I can do from here hundreds of miles away.

I've never interfered in the school I currently pay for. I don't even know her grades, though I've heard they are good. If she doesn't continue in some type of private school, we fear she's going to end up in a bad situation at the local public high school, where teenage pregnancy, meth arrests, and opiate overdoses are a regular occurrence.

My guess is grandmother is wavering between the boarding school idea. She's older so it would be hard to manage a teenager and she knows it, but on the other hand she'll be all alone if my cousin moves out. She has no friends and family left in the town she lives in, and doens't work either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Facing a similar situation. Have a cousin who is in custody of her grandmother (my relative) as mother got into lots of trouble and had custody taken away. I don't refer to it as flyover country, but heroin and meth pervades in her town so maybe it's heroin alley? We've been paying her full tuition at the only local private school, but that school only educates up to 8th grade. We took them to visit 2 boarding schools a few hours away, and they seemed to like it, but now it's incredibly difficult to get her grandmother to take any of the steps towards the application process. To me, it's not that difficult to print out the teacher recommendation forms and hand them to the teachers, but it's not something I can do from here hundreds of miles away.

I've never interfered in the school I currently pay for. I don't even know her grades, though I've heard they are good. If she doesn't continue in some type of private school, we fear she's going to end up in a bad situation at the local public high school, where teenage pregnancy, meth arrests, and opiate overdoses are a regular occurrence.

My guess is grandmother is wavering between the boarding school idea. She's older so it would be hard to manage a teenager and she knows it, but on the other hand she'll be all alone if my cousin moves out. She has no friends and family left in the town she lives in, and doens't work either.

Your situation is worlds different from OPs.

Your family's charge is more or less an orphan. Good for all of you for making sure she does not fall through the cracks. You should be commended.

OPs niece and nephew have parents who have chosen a certain lifestyle for their family.

Their only crime is that it is not the lifestyle OP woukd have chosen or that OP sees any value in. She disdains her sister, thinks she is stupid, looks down on yer for jot marrying up, disdains their family being working class, and wants to use her rich HUSBAND's wealth (not her own) to interfere with this family.

Not once did she mention the promise of these kids or their potential. Only disdain for her sister not being bright and disdain for "flyover country."

OP is worlds apart from you and your kindness.