Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

In any community, regardless of your economic situation, there are support groups and options for your DM to vent without you bearing that burden. Financially, not all divorces are between parties with earning potential, sad reality. It's good that you have taken on the burden of your DM, but it is sad that you do not want to provide DM with some outlet outside of yourself to repair her emotions and give her a new friend group. You could make this happen for DM if you really wanted to, the question is do you really want it for DM?

Actually I have asked and she declined. But the real problem is that she doesn't like her bipolar meds so she sometimes doesn't take them. It's super fun to be dealing with her while my dad is enjoying life with his AP.

Then maybe you should find DM a supervised group environment to live in where she can get the appropriate help she needs with her stubborn ways. If DM needs the meds she needs the meds, not negotiable. Stop treating DM like your child so you can have a life.

Who's gonna pay for it? Not my dad! You'd be surprised how little Medicaid covers. And she's crazy but not crazy enough to involuntarily commit, so I can find it but I can't make her go. But let's not derail the thread with the specifics. Whatever I do, whatever happens, it would be easier with my father's help. But that is not the choice he made, so I'm on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

Poor AP. Another woman ruining your family life. That must suck.

+1.

Oh, poor, jilted divorced bitter women. I feel so sad for you that you still carry that anger around. This is probably why your DH left you in the first place Let it go, let it go. The last thing I would do is carry around that anger ruining my health, just let it go. BE HAPPY!

All we're doing is pointing out the irony. Chip on your shoulder much?

You're too good to carry around anger but not too good to lie and cheat. cool. we're so jealous.

Own your shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

The dick wants what the dick wants / the vagina wants what the vagina wants <-- this is the correct quote.

I bet you these are the same people who think you shouldn't eat things because they taste good. That cake isn't worth the cardio worth it. But that dude is worth shuffling the kids and disrupting their routines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

My sister doesn't live in D.C. because if she did, you are definitely my sister. Who could never just shut off the chaos that mom brought, because my sister is a good soul who internalized our parent's divorce. Whereas I was the jackass son that cut out everyone. Except when I just feel so damn bad for my sister and step in to help the parental mess because she is a good soul.

Which is a good reminder, that even if you and AP act in good faith, you never know how your children will react, some take it in stride, some internalize the madness.

You sound like such a great person. What a generous and caring son you are. I hope your children treat you the same way. And I can only imagine what you'd be willing to let happen to your mother if your sister were not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

Here's an idea, stop playing the martyr and get your DM a therapist so she can dump her shit on the therapist and free you up to enjoy your life and hopefully have a health productive relationship with your DM. My DM also divorced, and it was not easy, but she was not going to let AP ruin her kids life and she held her head high and was always, always a lady. What an example she set for me, and when I was young and going through various relationships I always drew from my DM and how she handled herself to give myself strength. Get your DM a therapist an stop feeling sorry for her. It is the best thing you could do for her and yourself. And then you can enjoy your next vacation without the worry of your DM. Have a good day.

Riiigh, crazy aging parents just love going to therapists. It wouldn't solve the financial problems (also a product of divorce) nor the medical problems. Not would it change the fact that my dad's AP is psycho. Sorry hon but this sucks for me and no therapist could fix it. Divorce is dumping your problems on your children. Have a great vacation! I'll be here, caring for my mom because it's the right thing to do. In sickness or in health, right?

So what if she won't go to a therapist. PP is right: stop playing the martyr. You are not responsible for your parent's mental health or happiness. If you can't wrap your head around that, then you need to get yourself to a therapist. We are each and every one of us responsible for our own happiness. If you are miserable because you choose to take on your mother's crazy, then that's YOUR CHOICE. Stop doing it. We cannot fix everyone just because we love them.

[Anonymous]

Do you even know what happens to the indigent elderly? If you could do that to your mother, you're a stronger person than i. Congrats, I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP this thread has taken a strange direction and I hope it gets back on track, but this article may interest you:

http://www.emotionalaffair.org/when-the-other-woman-becomes-the-wife/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another way to look at it. Yes, my mom is a hot mess. Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn. Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her. But she's my mom and I love her. And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her. Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own. Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult? Good luck kiddo, you're on your own! So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho. You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be. Enjoy your vacation!

My sister doesn't live in D.C. because if she did, you are definitely my sister. Who could never just shut off the chaos that mom brought, because my sister is a good soul who internalized our parent's divorce. Whereas I was the jackass son that cut out everyone. Except when I just feel so damn bad for my sister and step in to help the parental mess because she is a good soul.

Which is a good reminder, that even if you and AP act in good faith, you never know how your children will react, some take it in stride, some internalize the madness.

You sound like such a great person. What a generous and caring son you are. I hope your children treat you the same way. And I can only imagine what you'd be willing to let happen to your mother if your sister were not there.

I totally get that reaction, I own it. I moved across the country away from everyone because I couldn't take the bullshit between the feuding AP and mom. My sister is a better person than me. At the same time, her marriage is falling apart, partly because she is back home dealing with the chaos of dysfunction 20 years after this affair.

I don't write in asking for sister's sainthood, or to justify my own "selfishness" for moving on with my life and kissing the dysfunction behind. I am just trying to illustrate that the chances of couples making it happily ever after with an affair and divorce with kids aren't great. Even if the marriage should have ended, even if the affair was justified. Even if the AP is an awesome person who does everything he/she can do to be the best step-parent ever. There are too many emotions, too many moving parts, and one never knows whether the ex will make it impossible for others to be happy, or if their kids will be the soft-hearted like my sister who has let mom use her as a crutch for too long, or a cold-hearted bastard like me that says no thanks and has no contact with anyone except emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, the crazies have come out to insult each other! Abandon ship!

[Anonymous]

My dad stayed with his for almost 30 years. Raising 5 of her kids together (my halfs and hers from her marriage). But he never married her. And she let that eat at her. They were living in her home that she had to buy her ex out of and her ex stopped paying CS, but my dad refused to help her pay the mortgage or utilities. He did support my halfs. Finally, he had an affair on her and they split up. She didn't speak to my dad at my brother's wedding 3 years later or my sister's graduation two years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

And as long as the soon to be ex isn't constantly poisoning the situation with their side of the story.

Right, and that is something you have no control over. So forget about whether you and your AP can make it work. All it takes is one crazy jilted person to ruin it for everyone. In my world, my dad and his AP are still together, 25 years later. They seem miserable, but then again dad is kind of a miserable guy (his AP is a raging bitch too). My mom has never gotten over the bitch who ruined her marriage.

Here's the thing - I am 40s, married with kids. My marriage is like all others, sometimes good, sometimes tough. I get it. I get marriages fail. I get that people, even good people cheat. My dad is neither good or bad for fucking around. He is human, I love him regardless.

But (there is always a but), the massive drama between him, his AP (still girlfriend, they never married) and my mom is so damn toxic I don't speak to any of them except when I have to. And truthfully, its more because my mom is crazy and never got over it, but AP is also a raging bitch about it (did I mention she is a raging bitch).

The moral of the story - once you have kids, there is no such thing as a clean no-fault divorce. Even if you do everything right, your ex can ruin it for you. Even if your kids think your ex is the problem, they are still likely to walk away from all of you than to take sides.

And trust me, you will have NO control over that ex partner/wife/husband. And you will always be wrong and the kids will always choose that person, mostly because that person makes them feel guilty if they spend any happy quality time with the other party. Unless the person you are leaving to pursue the AP is mental stable, financially stable and wants this as much as you, you will always be on the wrong side in your kids eyes. Graduations, baby showers, wedding, etc., you name it, the wronged ex will put their stamp on the occasion to constantly remind you that you are an ASS. Just the way it will be, if you can live with that, go ahead, but remember the AP is/will be the target of most of these situations and you and AP will also have a strained relationship because there will be lots of times that you will not be able to help yourselves and will take it out on each other. Picture this, we are on a ski trip in Aspen with step children, many years after divorce, and ex in in Europe with long time live in beau, we are having an amazing time and the children are laughing, engaging and genuinely enjoying the skiing and family time. Mom calls, after realizing kids are having fun, uses every phone call to bring them down until the trip is just ruined. This is just one of many times until we gave up and stopped taking the kids with us, contrary to what other pps are saying, the kids wanted to go and had fun with us, but the ex never stopped, and I mean, NEVER. If you are prepared for this drama, which I don't think anyone is, well, good luck.

Poor AP. Another woman ruining your family life. That must suck.

+1.

Oh, poor, jilted divorced bitter women. I feel so sad for you that you still carry that anger around. This is probably why your DH left you in the first place Let it go, let it go. The last thing I would do is carry around that anger ruining my health, just let it go. BE HAPPY!

All we're doing is pointing out the irony. Chip on your shoulder much?

You're too good to carry around anger but not too good to lie and cheat. cool. we're so jealous.

Own your shit.

Own your own shit, I, again, am so sorry you carry this bitterness around. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We aren't married yet. I left my spouse, and then he left his wife. It's better than I imagined it would be. Some days we do nothing at all. He sits on the couch working, and I'm curled up next to him reading.
I like that he comes home to me, and I have dinner ready. I like that he does my laundry. I like that we spend time with friends together and go on road trips without his phone blowing up. My blood pressure is much better. I enjoy pillow talk. I like constantly hearing "we". I'm happy to have finally met his family. The best thing is he doesn't go back to her at night.

THIS is what we all want. Well, OK, this is what I want.

Ugh. How long has it been? Sounds like no kids.