Reply to Life with AP after divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here's another way to look at it.  Yes, my mom is a hot mess.  Yes, talking to her about all her problems brings me diwn.  Yes, it must have sucked to be married to her.  But she's my mom and I love her.  And more importantly, if my parents were married, I would have my dad's help in dealing with her and caring for her.  Instead, he chose to make things worse by cheating and leaving me to deal with her on my own.  Oh, your mom is crazy and difficult?  Good luck kiddo, you're on your own!  So with that hanging over my head, forgive me for not enjoying your vacation with your new wife who is equally psycho.  You washed your hands of my mother, but I'm not at that point yet and probably never will be.  Enjoy your vacation![/quote]

My sister doesn't live in D.C. because if she did, you are definitely my sister.  Who could never just shut off the chaos that mom brought, because my sister is a good soul who internalized our parent's divorce.  Whereas I was the jackass son that cut out everyone.  Except when I just feel so damn bad for my sister and step in to help the parental mess because she is a good soul.

Which is a good reminder, that even if you and AP act in good faith, you never know how your children will react, some take it in stride, some internalize the madness.[/quote]

You sound like such a great person.  What a generous and caring son you are.  I hope your children treat you the same way.  And I can only imagine what you'd be willing to let happen to your mother if your sister were not there.[/quote]

I totally get that reaction, I own it.  I moved across the country away from everyone because I couldn't take the bullshit between the feuding AP and mom.  My sister is a better person than me.  At the same time, her marriage is falling apart, partly because she is back home dealing with the chaos of dysfunction 20 years after this affair.

I don't write in asking for sister's sainthood, or to justify my own "selfishness" for moving on with my life and kissing the dysfunction behind.  I am just trying to illustrate that the chances of couples making it happily ever after with an affair and divorce with kids aren't great.  Even if the marriage should have ended, even if the affair was justified.  Even if the AP is an awesome person who does everything he/she can do to be the best step-parent ever.  There are too many emotions, too many moving parts, and one never knows whether the ex will make it impossible for others to be happy, or if their kids will be the soft-hearted like my sister who has let mom use her as a crutch for too long, or a cold-hearted bastard like me that says no thanks and has no contact with anyone except emergencies.[/quote]

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