Spouse caring for ailing parent

[Anonymous]

Has your husband contacted hospice in FIL's area? Is he really dying? The no outside help is ridiculous, as is him expecting you to get his stuff to him and figure out child care until school starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

We have just gone through this in the past year and a half. My father died in May. Our solution was to have my father move in with us. He moved in last September and it made things much easier, but not easy. This stage of life is not easy and everyone has to pick up more that they usually due. It stinks, but there it is. I am forever grateful for everything my DH did and that we were able to give my Dad a comfortable send off.

You had a parent who was willing to do that. OP's FIL wants it his way or no way and her DH is enabling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This. In DCUM land, being "hard" means time to bail. For all of the talk of narcissistic inlaws, the women posting here seem to have no compassionor understanding beyond their own wants and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This. In DCUM land, being "hard" means time to bail. For all of the talk of narcissistic inlaws, the women posting here seem to have no compassionor understanding beyond their own wants and needs.

omg you are insane. There is hard and there is ridiculous. Just because FIL is dying he doesn't get to dictate every single aspect of his care no matter the cost to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This. In DCUM land, being "hard" means time to bail. For all of the talk of narcissistic inlaws, the women posting here seem to have no compassionor understanding beyond their own wants and needs.

Wait you fail to realize is that OP's husband fails to see anyone's needs other than his own - his need to direct all of energy and emotions into his father. His father may be terminal but the kind of time her husband is spending away from his family is well beyond what is sustainable for a healthy marriage. You seem to be oblivious that his behavior is moving his marriage into the 'bad' category. Who is attentive to OP's needs? Clearly, she's been carrying a heavy load for a long time and is spent. She's on a path that leads to poor mental health.

Having been through this myself, I can tell you this behavior doesn't lead to great rewards. We all have to juggle priorities in our lives, including when someone has a terminal illness. If OP has been experience this for 6 months, her FIL's death has not been imminent. Her husband is clearly has unresolved mental health issues. It takes two to have a marriage and if he's not willing to work with her to make it work then he doesn't deserve OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

We have just gone through this in the past year and a half. My father died in May. Our solution was to have my father move in with us. He moved in last September and it made things much easier, but not easy. This stage of life is not easy and everyone has to pick up more that they usually due. It stinks, but there it is. I am forever grateful for everything my DH did and that we were able to give my Dad a comfortable send off.

You had a parent who was willing to do that. OP's FIL wants it his way or no way and her DH is enabling him.

It took some time before he was willing. He was to go up to be near my sister's, but when the time came she was diagnosed with breast cancer and needed to concentrate on herself. So he came to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This. In DCUM land, being "hard" means time to bail. For all of the talk of narcissistic inlaws, the women posting here seem to have no compassionor understanding beyond their own wants and needs.

Wait you fail to realize is that OP's husband fails to see anyone's needs other than his own - his need to direct all of energy and emotions into his father. His father may be terminal but the kind of time her husband is spending away from his family is well beyond what is sustainable for a healthy marriage. You seem to be oblivious that his behavior is moving his marriage into the 'bad' category. Who is attentive to OP's needs? Clearly, she's been carrying a heavy load for a long time and is spent. She's on a path that leads to poor mental health.

Having been through this myself, I can tell you this behavior doesn't lead to great rewards. We all have to juggle priorities in our lives, including when someone has a terminal illness. If OP has been experience this for 6 months, her FIL's death has not been imminent. Her husband is clearly has unresolved mental health issues. It takes two to have a marriage and if he's not willing to work with her to make it work then he doesn't deserve OP.

+1
That Ops husband is so slavishly devotes to his absentee father suggests he has serious issues.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for the comments. Good and bad. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. The length of time this has gone on has certainly caused us enough stress that we have both said things or been less than patient with the other at different times. Fortunately- we do love one another and we will find a way to get through this. One day at a time. And perhaps with a bit of therapy when it's all over.

On FIL front, my DH finalized all the hospice stuff today. Of course, that is M-F once a day visits. An uncle is planning on stopping by once a day- so that will help. But the nighttime is what worries everyone the most. I told DH he cannot stay there forever, and he knows that. But he really doesn't want his dad to die alone. I have told him to stay as long as he needs to- because that is the right thing to do. But I do hope he comes home soon. The kids miss him- as do I. And- he cannot miss an indefinite amount of work.

His devotion and care to his father- who truly does not deserve it- is definitely one of the reasons I love my DH. I am proud of him and I tell him that frequently. We are just trying to get through this all. Not an easy task on anyone. I will try to outsource some more things- I could definitely be better about taking advantage of peapod and asking for help from some local friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the comments. Good and bad. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. The length of time this has gone on has certainly caused us enough stress that we have both said things or been less than patient with the other at different times. Fortunately- we do love one another and we will find a way to get through this. One day at a time. And perhaps with a bit of therapy when it's all over.

On FIL front, my DH finalized all the hospice stuff today. Of course, that is M-F once a day visits. An uncle is planning on stopping by once a day- so that will help. But the nighttime is what worries everyone the most. I told DH he cannot stay there forever, and he knows that. But he really doesn't want his dad to die alone. I have told him to stay as long as he needs to- because that is the right thing to do. But I do hope he comes home soon. The kids miss him- as do I. And- he cannot miss an indefinite amount of work.

His devotion and care to his father- who truly does not deserve it- is definitely one of the reasons I love my DH. I am proud of him and I tell him that frequently. We are just trying to get through this all. Not an easy task on anyone. I will try to outsource some more things- I could definitely be better about taking advantage of peapod and asking for help from some local friends.

Very glad you took the time to update and share as you have. Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the comments. Good and bad. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. The length of time this has gone on has certainly caused us enough stress that we have both said things or been less than patient with the other at different times. Fortunately- we do love one another and we will find a way to get through this. One day at a time. And perhaps with a bit of therapy when it's all over.

On FIL front, my DH finalized all the hospice stuff today. Of course, that is M-F once a day visits. An uncle is planning on stopping by once a day- so that will help. But the nighttime is what worries everyone the most. I told DH he cannot stay there forever, and he knows that. But he really doesn't want his dad to die alone. I have told him to stay as long as he needs to- because that is the right thing to do. But I do hope he comes home soon. The kids miss him- as do I. And- he cannot miss an indefinite amount of work.

His devotion and care to his father- who truly does not deserve it- is definitely one of the reasons I love my DH. I am proud of him and I tell him that frequently. We are just trying to get through this all. Not an easy task on anyone. I will try to outsource some more things- I could definitely be better about taking advantage of peapod and asking for help from some local friends.

Thanks for the update Op.
Even if he can't express it to you right now or ever your DH appreciates you supporting him.

I don't know if you've answered this already, but maybe you and the kids can go visit DH or at least skype and facetime a little more.

This won't be forever. Just hang in there a little longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for the comments. Good and bad. The truth lies somewhere inbetween. The length of time this has gone on has certainly caused us enough stress that we have both said things or been less than patient with the other at different times. Fortunately- we do love one another and we will find a way to get through this. One day at a time. And perhaps with a bit of therapy when it's all over.

On FIL front, my DH finalized all the hospice stuff today. Of course, that is M-F once a day visits. An uncle is planning on stopping by once a day- so that will help. But the nighttime is what worries everyone the most. I told DH he cannot stay there forever, and he knows that. But he really doesn't want his dad to die alone. I have told him to stay as long as he needs to- because that is the right thing to do. But I do hope he comes home soon. The kids miss him- as do I. And- he cannot miss an indefinite amount of work.

His devotion and care to his father- who truly does not deserve it- is definitely one of the reasons I love my DH. I am proud of him and I tell him that frequently. We are just trying to get through this all. Not an easy task on anyone. I will try to outsource some more things- I could definitely be better about taking advantage of peapod and asking for help from some local friends.

OP, I just want to say that you seem like a really good wife (With a good DH having a tough time). Ignore the people here who vent so much.
I hope you keep moving forward. I agree that it's tough to get through when you have so little breathing room. Our family really doesn't, the way we'd like. My mom is thinking of moving nearby and selfishly, I can't wait, because I can imagine a family responsibility like this would be almost impossible for us (we both work and travel and have two kids about the age of yours).

Good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.[

Wow..just wow he married the wrong person/quote]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This. In DCUM land, being "hard" means time to bail. For all of the talk of narcissistic inlaws, the women posting here seem to have no compassionor understanding beyond their own wants and needs.

Huh? It is hard on everyone so DH needs to admit that and focus on more than just kissing ass to his deadbeat father. If you think everyday should just be a doormat for months and months while their spouse neglects them and the whole situation, get real.

Can OP count on her husband? Not right now.