Spouse caring for ailing parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

That sounds really tough OP.
As you recognize your DH is dealing with a lot emotionally right now . He's just not capable of being the best right now. You both are doing the best that you can.

If you can swing it I would look at part time help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

Wow.....insinuating that DH doesn't love her husband........ And 'relish those times in gratitude'? I don't even know what the fuck that means but it still made me gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

Six months of this after the kind of father FIL has been? I think you have been a saint. Enough is enough. I would have told him he absolutely needs to be back Sunday night for his children and you will not be having his stuff sent up to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

Six months of this after the kind of father FIL has been? I think you have been a saint. Enough is enough. I would have told him he absolutely needs to be back Sunday night for his children and you will not be having his stuff sent up to him.

This is terrible advice. Stop suggesting things that'll create even more of a rift between OP and her DH. His dad is dying. Neither OP nor any of us can decide how her DH should feel and what he should or shouldn't do for his father. Ultimately, he has to live with himself every single day after his father is gone, and only he can decide what is appropriate for him to do so that he can live with himself. OP, honestly, as hard as it is, just give your DH his space. This isn't easy for him, especially given the nature of his relationship with his dad. Hire a baby sitter, join a nanny share, or get whatever part-time help you need to make this situation better for you and the kids but DO NOT demand that your DH do anything unless you want a resentful spouse after all this is over.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand how you feel, OP. My ILs were local and DH is an only child. His mother died within 5 years of being diagnosed with a pulmonary disease (we had 3 kids, oldest was 5). His father had a massive stroke a year later, was wheelchair bound and died 3 years later. It was hell and nearly ended our marriage. DH was so consumed by caring for his parents that he had no time to care for us. And, if this has been going on for 6 months, your FIL may be terminal but his death is not imminent.

It sounds like your DH may be wrapped up in 'process' of losing his father. The example you gave of him deciding to stay without checking with you is unacceptable. Yes, he needs to be supportive of his dad for his dad's sake and his own but he also has a family that needs support. Dropping everything to run to his father is a luxury neither of you have. You need to work this out together. I know he gets angry when you bring it up but it's going to destroy your relationship. Have you tried counseling?

Full disclosure - I've had a lot of death in my immediate family, including my father, a sibling and a nephew (all of illness).

[Anonymous]

OP, I can understand but it's his dad. You should feel proud of what your DH is doing!

[Anonymous]

This is terrible advice. Stop suggesting things that'll create even more of a rift between OP and her DH. His dad is dying. Neither OP nor any of us can decide how her DH should feel and what he should or shouldn't do for his father. Ultimately, he has to live with himself every single day after his father is gone, and only he can decide what is appropriate for him to do so that he can live with himself. OP, honestly, as hard as it is, just give your DH his space. This isn't easy for him, especially given the nature of his relationship with his dad. Hire a baby sitter, join a nanny share, or get whatever part-time help you need to make this situation better for you and the kids but DO NOT demand that your DH do anything unless you want a resentful spouse after all this is over.

I'm 17:42. Have you been through this? Everyone here is so quick to say 'get a babysitter', 'outsource....'. It's not that easy when you are given no notice and you really have limited funds. When I was going through it with my ILs, we didn't have money for a babysitter. We had no cable, we never ate out and couldn't afford to outsource anything. A neighbor felt so bad for me that she sent her MS kids over to play with the kids while I did housework - the kids got community service hours for doing it.

This isn't about a dying father. This is about behavior in a spouse that is damaging their relationship. You warn OP that her DH will be resentful after all this over? What about OP's resentment? It took me a long time and a lot of counseling to work past mine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the earlier PP whose mom died last year and your further details really help explain your situation more fully. Sounds like your husband is desperately trying to earn his father's love and appreciation before it is too late. If you had any time to stop and breathe, this is clearly something he needs to work out in therapy b/c he's only going to be disappointed in not getting that final "gee, son, you're the best" from his dad. It only makes it more sad for all of you because he's not treating you well right now.

I dunno. My mom on her deathbed and I never snapped at my husband. It struck me as really shitty that he is snapping at you like this. What does "dying" mean? Taking his last breaths? If he has no insurance, how does DH know how sick he actually is? I'm worried for you about how long this can drag on!

As for saving for DH's dad's funeral, I'm sorry but fuck that. And usage that ask done with destitute parents who paid for my dad's funeral and a bit of my mom's (luckily, she bought a term life policy after he died. My brother and I split the monthly cost, so the payout paid for a decent funeral.)

Your money has to be for the living. If DH wants some sort of funeral for his dad with no money...why? Trying to impress relatives with what a good son he was? Talking care of his father, okay, that's just human decency. But I say you for sure get a say in spending your family money on a funeral.

When my mom was dying, I was working full time, too, and I had a toddler. I know how hard it is. But that doesn't give him license to completely drop his responsibilities, especially if this may drag on for a long time. But even if his behavior this week is not negotiable, by God the funeral had better be. That is just not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is terrible advice. Stop suggesting things that'll create even more of a rift between OP and her DH. His dad is dying. Neither OP nor any of us can decide how her DH should feel and what he should or shouldn't do for his father. Ultimately, he has to live with himself every single day after his father is gone, and only he can decide what is appropriate for him to do so that he can live with himself. OP, honestly, as hard as it is, just give your DH his space. This isn't easy for him, especially given the nature of his relationship with his dad. Hire a baby sitter, join a nanny share, or get whatever part-time help you need to make this situation better for you and the kids but DO NOT demand that your DH do anything unless you want a resentful spouse after all this is over.

I'm 17:42. Have you been through this? Everyone here is so quick to say 'get a babysitter', 'outsource....'. It's not that easy when you are given no notice and you really have limited funds. When I was going through it with my ILs, we didn't have money for a babysitter. We had no cable, we never ate out and couldn't afford to outsource anything. A neighbor felt so bad for me that she sent her MS kids over to play with the kids while I did housework - the kids got community service hours for doing it.

This isn't about a dying father. This is about behavior in a spouse that is damaging their relationship. You warn OP that her DH will be resentful after all this over? What about OP's resentment? It took me a long time and a lot of counseling to work past mine.

PP here. Yes, I have been through this. And yes, I was not in a good place financially when it was happening, so I worked with friends, family, and my employer to make it work. Also, yes, this IS about the DH's dying father. You can't say that it isn't.

[Anonymous]

17:42 here. I missed that your DH wasn't to pay for the funeral! Do you know how much those costs? We had FIL cremated because it was cheaper (skip embalming). We had him buried in the same plot as my MIL. My mother helped us pay for it. We still don't have a headstone. Just not in the budget at this time.

[Anonymous]

PP whose mother died here again...like PP above ^^, we haven't bought a headstone for either parent, either. Not important right now. Life is for the living. While your FIL is living, that's one thing. But you can't sacrifice your family budget for someone who is dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

You are incredibly selfish, op. The man is dying and your husband wants to help him an spend time with him before he is gone forever. I am astounded that anyone would be as selfish, self-centered and heartless as you are. I guess on a positive note the man will be dead soon and you won't have to be inconvenienced any more.

My spouse and have lived through this with all of our parents and never did we respond with the attitude you possess. Suck it up buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

What your DH is doing in the situation as described isn't ok. You are within your rights to ask him to come home.

FIL doesn't get to be an absentee parent then expect DH to do it all. Nope. You and DH need to get some ground rules--he can't just bail on you like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

You are incredibly selfish, op. The man is dying and your husband wants to help him an spend time with him before he is gone forever. I am astounded that anyone would be as selfish, self-centered and heartless as you are. I guess on a positive note the man will be dead soon and you won't have to be inconvenienced any more.

My spouse and have lived through this with all of our parents and never did we respond with the attitude you possess. Suck it up buttercup.

It's been going on for 6 months. The man isn't dying, he's lingering. OP's DH is doing this out of a desire to seek his father's approval. His dad is a prick - a true deadbeat - and her DH isn't ever going to get the approval he craves from a father. That isn't this guy! And, what about the husband's responsibility for his family? You just can't abandon your family like this guy has done.