Spouse caring for ailing parent

[Anonymous]

This situation is very hard, but your DH is taking his frustration and desperation on you. You have feelings too. Can you all go to help FIL during the weekends? I may have missed a part where your FIL is staying right now, in a nursing home or in his own home? What I have seen happen with any men is that they get the idea in their head how to handle things, and refuse to budge even though there might be easier and more helpful solutions. I hate to say it, but they lose their minds in a frenzy. My own DH got so panicked a few times, and called it "being in charge," when in fact he was so nuts that it people noticed and a lot. Imagine if the situation was reversed, would your DH do the same and take care of the kids and home while you took care of your dying parent? I bet not. I am sorry you are in this tough situation, it is tough for both of you, but it doesn't excuse him being a tyrant and a jerk to his own nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

Six months of this after the kind of father FIL has been? I think you have been a saint. Enough is enough. I would have told him he absolutely needs to be back Sunday night for his children and you will not be having his stuff sent up to him.

It's this kind of shortsighted, heartless attitude that gets an ass dumped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

Six months of this after the kind of father FIL has been? I think you have been a saint. Enough is enough. I would have told him he absolutely needs to be back Sunday night for his children and you will not be having his stuff sent up to him.

This is terrible advice. Stop suggesting things that'll create even more of a rift between OP and her DH. His dad is dying. Neither OP nor any of us can decide how her DH should feel and what he should or shouldn't do for his father. Ultimately, he has to live with himself every single day after his father is gone, and only he can decide what is appropriate for him to do so that he can live with himself. OP, honestly, as hard as it is, just give your DH his space. This isn't easy for him, especially given the nature of his relationship with his dad. Hire a baby sitter, join a nanny share, or get whatever part-time help you need to make this situation better for you and the kids but DO NOT demand that your DH do anything unless you want a resentful spouse after all this is over.

Oh really? So if the roles were reversed and OP took off to tend to her deadbeat dad, neglecting her family like this, you would be a-ok?

[Anonymous]

Some of the PPs are just jerks. Who does that? Calls and tells his wife that he won't be home for days and to bring him his stuff. I would pack him up, bring him all of his suitcases and tell him so long. He is abandoning a loving wife and a family that has been there for him for years and years instead of trying to find a compromise. I am not sure why there is some kind of one way or the other, there are many options to handle this situation.

[Anonymous]

Your husband's behavior is ridiculous. These are not his fathers last days - this has been going on for months and will be for who knows much longer. Your DH has responsibilities to you and his children. He should do all he can for his father but only within the context of his other responsibilities.

I was very attached to my parents but I had no children when they were dying. I could not abandon my children for months to care for my parents. Some kind of middle ground needs to be found here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A lot of context I have not shared make the situation more burdensome. But that does not matter. I am completely supportive of DH and never complain to him. Came on here because where else can you complain about something you know you have no right to complain about?

I work full time, have a toddler and preschooler. No family in the area to help. We are saving our money because we will be paying for the funeral expenses. FIL has been an abstentee parent for the past 15 years, blew through all of his money, does not have insurance, does not have any care, refuses any help outside of the family. He is stubborn and wants to die on his terms. That's fine- but it has left a lot of burden on my husband. And in turn- on me. My husband is helping because he is his father and he loves him. But his absence and decisions over the years have left me with little love for FIL. I love my DH and support him through this. But it is difficult. That's all I wanted to get off my chest.

As others have said- these are the "for worse" times. And they suck. And I guess I was just not prepared to deal with it all. I'm trying. And I think- I am doing ok. Just needed to vent a bit online so that in real life I can be everything my husband needs me to be. Thanks for the helpful advice and the tough love. It is all helpful to hear.

And honestly- I promise I know that I have little right to complain. My husband is going through so much more. But that does not mean that I am not allowed to be stressed or overwhelmed at times. I am not perfect and it is a tough situation. Harder for my husband- absolutely. My job is to make it easier for him. But it is definitely hard on me too.

That is really rough, especially wth your two little kids.
Talk with your girlfriend more, invite them to visit. Military families have a cool network and community, try to copy that so you get support and don't go insane.
Your dH prob feels bad at the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the PPs are just jerks. Who does that? Calls and tells his wife that he won't be home for days and to bring him his stuff. I would pack him up, bring him all of his suitcases and tell him so long. He is abandoning a loving wife and a family that has been there for him for years and years instead of trying to find a compromise. I am not sure why there is some kind of one way or the other, there are many options to handle this situation.

Agree he s really dumping on you. And even with his own stuff-s he always so disorganized or only focused on his stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can understand but it's his dad. You should feel proud of what your DH is doing!

Where are te siblings or friends?

What happens when your husband loses his job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the earlier PP whose mom died last year and your further details really help explain your situation more fully. Sounds like your husband is desperately trying to earn his father's love and appreciation before it is too late. If you had any time to stop and breathe, this is clearly something he needs to work out in therapy b/c he's only going to be disappointed in not getting that final "gee, son, you're the best" from his dad. It only makes it more sad for all of you because he's not treating you well right now.

I dunno. My mom on her deathbed and I never snapped at my husband. It struck me as really shitty that he is snapping at you like this. What does "dying" mean? Taking his last breaths? If he has no insurance, how does DH know how sick he actually is? I'm worried for you about how long this can drag on!

As for saving for DH's dad's funeral, I'm sorry but fuck that. And usage that ask done with destitute parents who paid for my dad's funeral and a bit of my mom's (luckily, she bought a term life policy after he died. My brother and I split the monthly cost, so the payout paid for a decent funeral.)

Your money has to be for the living. If DH wants some sort of funeral for his dad with no money...why? Trying to impress relatives with what a good son he was? Talking care of his father, okay, that's just human decency. But I say you for sure get a say in spending your family money on a funeral.

When my mom was dying, I was working full time, too, and I had a toddler. I know how hard it is. But that doesn't give him license to completely drop his responsibilities, especially if this may drag on for a long time. But even if his behavior this week is not negotiable, by God the funeral had better be. That is just not okay.

Gramps is doing a real guilt job on your husband. I hope this end so because DH is blinded right no trying to be a kissass while neglecting his nuclear family.
Pls each get individual counseling and then couples counseling.

[Anonymous]

OP is not heartless. Are you kidding me? She works FT and has two young kids. It's hard enough to care for young kids with two parents around, let alone just one. This situation can drag on for months. It's not fair to the OP and her kids. No responsible parent should ask this of their adult child, especially when their adult child has very young kids. I say this as someone who is an only child and has been caring for an elderly, widowed parent for years. My parent has the resources to pay for outside help but expects me to do everything. OP, you have my sympathy. I can't imagine doing what I have to do for my parent while working FT AND having two young kids. You have every right to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

Wow.....insinuating that DH doesn't love her husband........ And 'relish those times in gratitude'? I don't even know what the fuck that means but it still made me gag.

Perspective.

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Attitude.

the way you think and feel about someone or something
: a feeling or way of thinking that affects a person's behavior
: a way of thinking and behaving that people regard as unfriendly, rude, etc.

Choice

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities
: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision
: a range of things that can be chosen

[Anonymous]

OP's FIL, based on her added information, qualifies for Medicaid and possibly SSI. If this hasn't been done it should be. If OP's DH has a POA he can apply. If no POA then get it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

Wow.....insinuating that DH doesn't love her husband........ And 'relish those times in gratitude'? I don't even know what the fuck that means but it still made me gag.

Perspective.

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Attitude.

the way you think and feel about someone or something
: a feeling or way of thinking that affects a person's behavior
: a way of thinking and behaving that people regard as unfriendly, rude, etc.

Choice

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities
: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision
: a range of things that can be chosen

Your rambling is useless and cringe worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

Wow.....insinuating that DH doesn't love her husband........ And 'relish those times in gratitude'? I don't even know what the fuck that means but it still made me gag.

Perspective.

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Attitude.

the way you think and feel about someone or something
: a feeling or way of thinking that affects a person's behavior
: a way of thinking and behaving that people regard as unfriendly, rude, etc.

Choice

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities
: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision
: a range of things that can be chosen

Your rambling is useless and cringe worthy.

And your opinion is meaningless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

What input would you like to have on the situation? Are there things you feel should be done differently to lessen the burden on everyone?

For instance- DH went up today for the day. Just called and said he was staying through Tuesday. Asked me to figure out a way to get his stuff up to him. Asked me to figure out childcare for our daughter who he was supposed to be home with those days before her school starts. My son starts Kindergarten Monday. If I could have imput, I would ask if DH could come home Sunday night so that he was here for our sons first day of kindergarten and was able to watch our daughter on Monday. He could go back Monday night because I can find someone for Tuesday for our daughter. But when I try to make a suggestion I get an angry response about how his dad is dying and he has to do this. basically, my husband has stopped asking me if things are ok and just does what he thinks needs to be done. And because his dad is dying I don't feel like I can say no or make suggestions. I just feel like my opinion has no place in the situation and I am just supposed to do whatever DH tells me to do.

Six months of this after the kind of father FIL has been? I think you have been a saint. Enough is enough. I would have told him he absolutely needs to be back Sunday night for his children and you will not be having his stuff sent up to him.

It's this kind of shortsighted, heartless attitude that gets an ass dumped.

Yep, his ass is going to get dumped if he keeps this up.