Spouse caring for ailing parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's FIL, based on her added information, qualifies for Medicaid and possibly SSI. If this hasn't been done it should be. If OP's DH has a POA he can apply. If no POA then get it done.

Doesn't sound like her DH has the presence of mind to go through the paperwork required to successfully apply.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry to hear that your family is going through tough times.

In a situation of high stress make sure that you and your husband are taking care of your own health before anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. MIL was very sick and in a nursing home. My wife had to attend to her, provide certain things and traveled about 2 hours round trip to where she was. Not only was I employed full time but it fell upon me to pick up the slack with the home and kids. It also cost us money when we really didn't have a lot to spare. Tough at times? Sure. But I guess since I loved my wife and my MIL I didn't feel burdened by it nor neglected. Sometimes we have an opportunity to give back. I for one relish those times in gratitude.

Wow.....insinuating that DH doesn't love her husband........ And 'relish those times in gratitude'? I don't even know what the fuck that means but it still made me gag.

Perspective.

a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Attitude.

the way you think and feel about someone or something
: a feeling or way of thinking that affects a person's behavior
: a way of thinking and behaving that people regard as unfriendly, rude, etc.

Choice

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities
: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision
: a range of things that can be chosen

Your rambling is useless and cringe worthy.

Yeah, I think he's trying to say OP should change her mindset - like she doesn't have feelings, like it's okay her husband taking a leave of absence from the family he created, like it's okay that he continually makes unilateral decisions that negative impact him, that he expects her to accommodate his needs but when she tries to communicates her needs, he shuts her down in a rude and disrespectful way. Yeah, OP should just change her mindset and find the love in all this and be grateful he's given her this opportunity.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you told us this already and I missed it, but how much time do the doctors expect your FIL has left? My advice is very different depending on whether we're talking about a couple of months vs. 6 months to a year or more.

[Anonymous]

My, my, OP, you are just so, so wonderful. By world acclamation you are the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Martyr of the year. His father is dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's FIL, based on her added information, qualifies for Medicaid and possibly SSI. If this hasn't been done it should be. If OP's DH has a POA he can apply. If no POA then get it done.

Doesn't sound like her DH has the presence of mind to go through the paperwork required to successfully apply.

It's really not a difficult process. Might have to show some proof of income/assets etc. but if I were OP I wouldn't allow this possibility to slip by without action. FIL gets on Medicaid he gets access to 24/7 skilled nursing care. Transport to facilities and more.

[Anonymous]

Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

I am sorry but if I may say so I have a great marriage. But part of it is that it would never occur to me to abandons my kids for six months or more so that I can care for my parents around the clock. That is completely excessive and destructive. For a few days, sure. Making a significant effort regularly yes. But spending days at that home while ignoring ones own family - no! There is a middle ground here between sticking one's parents into a nursing home and slavishly serving them for months on end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

This is so flippant - outsource outsource, like that's so easy! First it's expensive. Second - how is that everything in OPs home can be outsourced and everything in her FIL home must be done by his son?

[Amazin]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. A lot of context I have not shared make the situation more burdensome. But that does not matter. I am completely supportive of DH and never complain to him. Came on here because where else can you complain about something you know you have no right to complain about?

I work full time, have a toddler and preschooler. No family in the area to help. We are saving our money because we will be paying for the funeral expenses. FIL has been an abstentee parent for the past 15 years, blew through all of his money, does not have insurance, does not have any care, refuses any help outside of the family. He is stubborn and wants to die on his terms. That's fine- but it has left a lot of burden on my husband. And in turn- on me. My husband is helping because he is his father and he loves him. But his absence and decisions over the years have left me with little love for FIL. I love my DH and support him through this. But it is difficult. That's all I wanted to get off my chest.

As others have said- these are the "for worse" times. And they suck. And I guess I was just not prepared to deal with it all. I'm trying. And I think- I am doing ok. Just needed to vent a bit online so that in real life I can be everything my husband needs me to be. Thanks for the helpful advice and the tough love. It is all helpful to hear.

And honestly- I promise I know that I have little right to complain. My husband is going through so much more. But that does not mean that I am not allowed to be stressed or overwhelmed at times. I am not perfect and it is a tough situation. Harder for my husband- absolutely. My job is to make it easier for him. But it is definitely hard on me too.

Venting is fine. You and your husband are going through a very tough time and people on this site should be supportive. We all have or all will face something like this. Hopefully you have friends near by who will help out or simply listen. That's what friends are for. Hang in there "for better" times are ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been helping his dying father. For the past 6 months this has consumed our lives. He is constantly doing something or driving the two hours to go help him. I completely understand and have tried to have an endless amount of patience but I am growing so tired. I have to pick up all the slack at home. And it's just so overwhelming and sad and I feel like I can't complain because it's not my dad that is dying. But it has just put so much burden on me without me ever being given a chance to have an imput on the situation.

I'm sorry. This feels like such a selfish rant. And it is. I know that. But I need somewhere to vent because it's been really hard on me too.

We have just gone through this in the past year and a half. My father died in May. Our solution was to have my father move in with us. He moved in last September and it made things much easier, but not easy. This stage of life is not easy and everyone has to pick up more that they usually due. It stinks, but there it is. I am forever grateful for everything my DH did and that we were able to give my Dad a comfortable send off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

I am sorry but if I may say so I have a great marriage. But part of it is that it would never occur to me to abandons my kids for six months or more so that I can care for my parents around the clock. That is completely excessive and destructive. For a few days, sure. Making a significant effort regularly yes. But spending days at that home while ignoring ones own family - no! There is a middle ground here between sticking one's parents into a nursing home and slavishly serving them for months on end.

Can you describe what the middle ground is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of the wonderful example he's setting for your kids when you are the ones dying.

Outsource as much as you can at home. Cleaning, take out, paper plates/cups. Whatever you need.

Sounds like you have a good husband OP.

No it doesn't! It sounds like FIL has a son he doesn't deserve but OP doesn't have a husband she does deserve. This is so ridiculously excessive. I can't believe it's happening on the same forum that goes crazy when someone is upset their parents won't babysit their children in an obvious emergency.

I am impressed that OP's DH is taking care of his parents. The wife needs to take advice from others to outsource and take help from others. The harpies with bad marriages on DCUM should be ignored.

Yes, it is extremely hard. All worthwhile things are hard. Taking care of your family, of each other, of yourself - all these things are hard, but the rewards are great,

I am sorry but if I may say so I have a great marriage. But part of it is that it would never occur to me to abandons my kids for six months or more so that I can care for my parents around the clock. That is completely excessive and destructive. For a few days, sure. Making a significant effort regularly yes. But spending days at that home while ignoring ones own family - no! There is a middle ground here between sticking one's parents into a nursing home and slavishly serving them for months on end.

Can you describe what the middle ground is?

It depends on the circumstance. Usually hiring some help at home while visiting frequently, sometimes moving in sick parent into home... There are many possibilities but depends on distance schedules money other siblings etc.