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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I am a stepmom to a child with special needs.

Let me start by saying that there is a lot of hostility on this board to stepmothers in general, as if we were all husband stealing, money stealing idiots. Just ignore those unhelpful posts. What you should not ignore is the following:

1) this child appears to have serious social issues that may or may not be stemming from a diagnosable issue. From your description, it does sound like an expression of autism, but regardless I think the key issue here is that your fiance is checked out and oblivious.

2) biomom may or may not be a total flake, may or may not be a saint struggling with 3 kids, but in a way it doesn't matter, or rather, you cannot control it. You have very little say over how she parents her child. But none of this prevents your fiance from stepping up. HE can talk with the school and request an evaluation, he can find and pay for neuropsych, he can and should discuss his child's health and well being with biomom.  this is the convo you need to have with him. It has nothing to do with mom.

3) as a stepmom you are in a tenuous position. It is great that you get along well with the child and he seems to trust you and that you are concerned for his happiness and well being. But you really can't do all that much--and even if the parents are totally on board, he may be like this. In other words, you have to decide whether you want to be a steparent to this child.

4) your fiance's obvliousness should be a red flag, particularly if you want to have children with him. What kind of father will he be?

5) If stepchild does have diagnosis, therapies, etc, this is not a cure. It is just what you do, and sometimes you have no idea whether it will work or not. It is challenging, draining emotionally and financially. Keep this in mind if you want to have biokids of your own--time and money are limited resources, all kids need love, attention, but some require extra. Be sure you are okay with that (and consider hte possibility of having a special needs kid of your own and that stress).

6) i'm not trying to scare you away, but I would be hesistant to get married in this situation. I married someone who was on top of his kid's issues, and it is still challenging at times, for all of us.

7) dont focus on bioMom and what she is or isn't doing because it wont help and will just lead to frustration.  Dad needs to step up and work with biomom. Your role is to support dad and stepchild, not to run interference with biomom. also, dont take over tasks for Dad that really should be his (working out issues with bioMom, being primary parent to stepchild in the home you two share). I made this mistake early on and have backed away--my DH was all too happy to let me take over a lot of stuff, but it really is his job, with my support. [/quote]

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