Telling mom I used donor egg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.

It is very likely that if you had a child with your own eggs, the child would still look nothing like you. I'm saying this not for your mother's benefit but for your benefit. I'm guessing some of your sadness relates to this issue too. (Maybe you are even projecting this specific concern onto her?)

For what it's worth...I have twins thanks to IVF. Prior to starting fertility treatments, I thought I'd never go that far (hoped to get pregnant with Clomid, etc.) and certainly didn't think I'd consider donor eggs. However, now I know that I'd probably do whatever was needed to build a family. And quite frequently I look at my OE twins and think, WHERE did these two come from? Even though you can see my husband's and my own family traits here and there ... kids are so uniquely themselves that all the stuff I assumed was important about genes etc. seem so much less so now.

Your daughter will be your daughter truly and fully. And she will be her own person entirely too. And that would be the case your eggs or borrowed ones.

[Anonymous]

Send her an email telling her the truth. You don't have to see her until you are ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her and be done with it!

Agree. Rip the bandaid off.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell your mom, and I'd wait to tell the child about this until they were old enough to be able to make an informed, thoughtful, and independent decision about who, if anyone, they want to tell. There is no need to tell your mom, and if I were you I wouldn't tell her the truth if directly asked. This is none of her business, and all of yours and your child's.

Many of my siblings and cousins are adopted, and we're all more or less the same race, but aside that we don't look too similar, but so many genetically related siblings/cousins don't look exactly the same either. And my family still talks about how someone has this aunts eyes or smile or that uncles mannerism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her and be done with it!

Agree. Rip the bandaid off.

Completely disagree. Don't tell your mom at all. None of her business. Dissemble if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell your mom, and I'd wait to tell the child about this until they were old enough to be able to make an informed, thoughtful, and independent decision about who, if anyone, they want to tell. There is no need to tell your mom, and if I were you I wouldn't tell her the truth if directly asked. This is none of her business, and all of yours and your child's.

Many of my siblings and cousins are adopted, and we're all more or less the same race, but aside that we don't look too similar, but so many genetically related siblings/cousins don't look exactly the same either. And my family still talks about how someone has this aunts eyes or smile or that uncles mannerism.

I wouldn't tell MIL. It's actually none of her business, and I would keep it private, not because it was a shameful secret, but because it's my child's personal medical information, and I don't think that kind of stuff should be public knowledge.

And my family does the same thing wrt adoptees.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell her.

She'll be gone by the time you tell your own child.

[Anonymous]

90+% of couples using donor sperm keep that to themselves. Why should women be the ones to share all medical information?

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you all for your opinions. Even the offensive ones were all helpful -- it's good to be reminded how some people feel about genetics, so that I can be careful who I share this information with.

I'm still mulling this over and am not sure what I decide, but I appreciate the help!

[Anonymous]

OP, you should tell your mother right away, and just in a factual way, no apologizing or anything like that. Otherwise you will have to fear that the love she shows your child is conditional--she might "take it back" if she finds out the truth.

If she does love your child less become you used a donor egg, it will be good to know that from the get-go so you can appropriately distance yourself from her and protect your child from that kind of toxicity.

Also, you do realize that that is not fair for your mother to act sad and put you in the position of having to comfort or reassure her about something that is your business, right? If your mother routinely makes difficult times in YOUR life into a thing about her OWN feelings, it will help you to be aware of this dynamic as you become a parent yourself. You will want to make sure you avoid replicating it, and also that you put your child's needs and feelings ahead of your mother's self-centeredness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:genetics are over rated

To the contrary it's underrated. All the research shows that way more stuff is inherited than previously thought - intelligence, personality, religiosity, temperament - all highly heritable.

And while genetic combinations are unpredictable it is still the case that child will share 50% of genes with each of their parents. If she doesn't looks like her mother she will share something else with her. Theoretically siblings might not have anything in common but (grand)parents and children always do. Furthermore it is precisely because grandparents are less central to the child's life that genetic connection carries more weight in that relationship.

It might not matter to many or they might learn to forget about it. But stop pretending than only morons or unsophisticates can have any interest in genetic connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.

But, if that is the case, you are just plain deceiving her and raising her hopes for nothing. This will not be her only genetic grandchild. You are not protecting her, you are plain laying. Better to tell her now, so she can stop obsessing over genetics and get used to the idea. If she can't, her loss.

OK but straight genetic children are not guaranteed to be clones of the parents either. My DE DS however, does look exactly like his father. But that has nothing to do with grandmother.

It's not about looks, people.

[Anonymous]

Because your mother has no filter and tells everyone she meets whatever is on her mind, your answer may be different than what it would be otherwise. My father is like that, and I don't share anything personal with him - nothing that I would mind if he told a waiter or a person he was waiting in line with, or friends of his who have met me and who I'll see again. He tells me about other people's regrets about their lives, their family fights, their custody problems, their health issues. I don't want him doing the same about me - there are some health issues he knows about that he is likely telling everyone he meets (some I told him about years ago before I realized he was like this, some I had to tell him because I was going to have surgery and felt he should know), but I don't share details and I don't tell him much.

Essentially, your choice will come down to whether you are OK with her telling everyone. Or can she be trusted, if you specifically tell her that it is private medical information and you don't want it shared, to keep from discussing it?

If it weren't for that factor, I'd say to tell her either now so she can get over it when she meets the baby, or to tell her after the baby is born and she has fallen in love with her. And in either case to use language like people have suggested to let her know you don't want to talk about her feelings about it -- you could say that you have your own feelings about it to work through and you would like her to talk it out with her husband or close friends but not with you, but that in any case you love this baby with all of your heart and she is your baby.

If you decide not to tell her, you'll need to be ready to just go along when she says how the baby's smile looks like Cousin Megan and her eyes look like Uncle John's. (You don't have to explicitly agree if you don't want to, you can just say "I can't see anything but her own sweet self," or you can mm-hmm it, or whatever works for you.)

[Anonymous]

The problem is OP already clued her mother in, so the question of is it or is it not will hang in the air until OP decides to clear it one way or another.

OP, since you're planning to tell your child anyway, I don't see why you wouldn't tell your mother. Okay, she's a blabbermouth, and people will know, and some may even give you stink. Do you really care? I hope not.