Telling mom I used donor egg

[Anonymous]

Another mom of twins conceived through DE here.

OP, first - and most importantly - congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

So much around the issues you're dealing with is intensely personal. You will make the right choices for you and your family, which will be unique to you.

Some thoughts beyond that, which are really based ONLY on my experience, so this may or may not be helpful:
- did you meet with a counselor as part of your process? I found our conversation w/ the psychologist extremely helpful. She was very conversant on the many questions, concerns, and challenges around various routes to parenthood. And she really helped us think through critical scenarios like who to tell, how to tell, etc... Perhaps that would help you navigate these early waters a bit.
- We told close family and a few friends about DE. We told gradually, over time, and with careful consideration to which people could keep a confidence.
- We always knew we would tell the children, and that we would follow current professional advice around telling their story to them early and often, so that they grow up knowing rather than being given a shocking revelation later in life.
- We work hard on ensuring that the message to our kids is that we so very much wanted to be their parents that we got help from special doctors, and from one wonderfully generous lady who gave us some eggs, and that they are the perfect children we were meant to meet. Zero shame in their conception - only determination, skill, generosity and joy.
- I read a lot about epigenetics. It helped me feel like my role was important in a foundational/developmental way, beyond just good nutrition while pregnant.
- I was, and will always be to some extent, sad that I didn't have viable eggs. I can't change that. But I work hard to make sure that my sadness doesn't manifest as shame. That my kids, our family, anyone around us, does not sense any shame at all - I think the harm to the kids in allowing those feelings to show would be significant. So it's my job, and uniquely my burden in a way, to figure that out for and within myself.
- It has gotten easier to share the fact that we used DE. I don't share it widely, but it isn't a secret and I will tell people fairly freely now. (Especially anyone I sense might be struggling with infertility.) In the long run being more open about it has helped me (occasionally forced me) to address and deal with my own emotions around it. In doing this while my kids are still so little (they are not yet 5) I know that they are blissfully unaware of any possible sadness I might have around this. So now that they are more conscious of my emotions and reactions, the fact that I've gotten through LOTS of early "well, actually we used donor eggs to conceive so the family resemblance is mostly on my husband's side" kinds of things has really helped me practice how to do that gracefully.
- Practice helps. You'll get better, it will get easier, and your emotions around it are likely to settle in time. I will say that if you plan to tell your child (which I totally agree with) and any other people in your life, in my opinion you might as well just decide that it won't be a secret. Period. Then you don't have to spend time or energy worrying about how to keep a secret, who to trust, whether you shouldn't have told, when is the perfect moment, did someone betray your trust, how close is close enough to be told, etc... Because then you don't have to communicate to your child that anything about this is a secret. Secrets breed shame, and anxiety and guilt. If you don't want any of that around the gift of your child, then it starts with how you manage the DE information. (Again - this is just my opinion and experience. I respect that others may feel quite differently.) So if you know that you will tell your mom at some point, and others, and that some of them are likely to tell, and that your community is pretty small and chatty - then I think you might just as well accept that this will become known information. Then the question for you is in the messaging around that and how you manage it. Accept that it will be known, then figure out how you will communicate it and what you will tell others they should say when asked. This doesn't have to mean that you broadcast it, just that from the very start you are clear that you are thrilled to have had the option, thrilled to be a mom, adore your child, and rejoice in the opportunity and magic that made all of that possible. And that, of course, this is also highly personal and in the end it is and will be your child's story to tell as he/she chooses so you will expect everyone to respect that privacy just as they would for any other matter. (Or something like that. But that's what I mean about you deciding the messaging.)

Overall though, what I most want to say is that this will probably get much easier as the struggles of infertility recede into your history and the more present challenges of parenting take over.

The single, most helpful thing for me has been watching my children grow - especially in the last couple of years. They are unique little creatures. I can see my husband in them, occasionally I see the donor in my daughter's appearance, and I can see my characteristics and mannerisms in them. But what I see most is unique individuals. (Having twins has helped also.) They are their own persons, very much influenced by their family, but largely who they are from the moment they were born. I can't imagine having two other children. I can imagine more kids, and I do still daydream about what kids from my own eggs might look like. But I would never want to not have these two children in my life. So I'm eternally grateful to the donor and those two specific eggs that resulted in these people in my life. With any other eggs I would have these kids. So knowing and loving them the way I do has really helped turn some of my feelings about DE around. I just wouldn't trade them for anything - so how can I feel badly about how we made them? It really does change my mindset.
- And, amazingly, the older they get the less i think about donor egg. Like, waaaay less. Like maybe it occurs to me once every few months now and I have to remind myself when doctors ask about family history or something.

You are still in the weeds. I hope your mom is respectful and thoughtful and supportive. But if not this will all be part of you learning how to build and protect your own nuclear family - with careful boundaries and limits. No matter how children come in to your life you will face those issues so you just get to have a head start on this issue.

Congrats again OP.

[Anonymous]

Yet another mom of twins through DE. Congratulations!
This decision is foremost about YOU and your Children, NOT your mom and her feelings. If you give in to her pressure to tell you about this, discuss it, mourn it etc ect... well it is not really ABOUT her fundamentally. You will have your child for many many years, forever, really, and in a few years time you may feel differently. Who knows? I can only speak for myself -- we chose to keep our genetic history to ourselves, and not tell early and often.
My story -- my mother had a family secret about her genetics that she told me when I was 30 years old. It was not devastating, although very similar to DE. It did not affect my life. It made me curious and that is all. I did not feel shame, toxic emotions, anxiety or guilt. We told our children about their grandmothers 'secret' and they were just matter of fact and non committal about the subject.
Although I passed the counselling with flying colors, it always seemed rote and rather commercial to me. Counselling is supposed to be about making your own decisions, yet the counselors were very insistent that the one "right path" was to tell early and often and they had lots of horror stories to back it up. Maybe that is their patient group?
But we chose another option, and it has worked out well for us. As the children became, 2, 3, 5, 10, 15 , now 21 years old, we have never looked back or regretted this decision. We are so very proud of them, the joy they brought to our lives, the citizens they are now, the luck we have had to have them ... We finally told them and it was no big deal, but they were adults.
best of luck to you and congrats!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: They are their own persons, very much influenced by their family, but largely who they are from the moment they were born. I can't imagine having two other children. I can imagine more kids, and I do still daydream about what kids from my own eggs might look like. But I would never want to not have these two children in my life. So I'm eternally grateful to the donor and those two specific eggs that resulted in these people in my life. With any other eggs I would have these kids. So knowing and loving them the way I do has really helped turn some of my feelings about DE around. I just wouldn't trade them for anything - so how can I feel badly about how we made them? It really does change my mindset.

This is really lovely.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell her.

And if she says "Oh! his nose looks just like grandpa's!", I would say "Yes! It really does look like grandpa's!" (and maybe his nose really does, or maybe she's just seeing what she wants to see.) You don't have to be related to someone to look like them. =)

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you to the posters who also used DE. I appreciate you taking the time to type that out. Your perspective is extremely helpful.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her, have an adult to adult short conversation and process the emotions ASAP.
Your mom is probably very curious and wanting to know, you keep slamming the door on opportunities to tell her. She likely assumes it is a donor egg.
Be a mature adult and just tell her, don't hide it, don't play games. She's your mom and will be in your side. It's ok to be sad about fertility issues, process it and get ready to be a super mom and have a super grandma!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell her earlier rather than later, with as little drama as possible. Don't get into a situation where it becomes something she thinks you have covered up. She will have feelings and she will have to deal with them but you can model your own complete love and acceptance of this child. It will only get weird if it becomes a lie.

Agree. Saying it now to someone as close as a mother will be more basic and easier than telling later. More you wait the odder the conversation will become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell your mom, and I'd wait to tell the child about this until they were old enough to be able to make an informed, thoughtful, and independent decision about who, if anyone, they want to tell. There is no need to tell your mom, and if I were you I wouldn't tell her the truth if directly asked. This is none of her business, and all of yours and your child's.

I agree with this. Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another mom of twins conceived through DE here.

OP, first - and most importantly - congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

So much around the issues you're dealing with is intensely personal. You will make the right choices for you and your family, which will be unique to you.

Some thoughts beyond that, which are really based ONLY on my experience, so this may or may not be helpful:
- did you meet with a counselor as part of your process? I found our conversation w/ the psychologist extremely helpful. She was very conversant on the many questions, concerns, and challenges around various routes to parenthood. And she really helped us think through critical scenarios like who to tell, how to tell, etc... Perhaps that would help you navigate these early waters a bit.
- We told close family and a few friends about DE. We told gradually, over time, and with careful consideration to which people could keep a confidence.
- We always knew we would tell the children, and that we would follow current professional advice around telling their story to them early and often, so that they grow up knowing rather than being given a shocking revelation later in life.
- We work hard on ensuring that the message to our kids is that we so very much wanted to be their parents that we got help from special doctors, and from one wonderfully generous lady who gave us some eggs, and that they are the perfect children we were meant to meet. Zero shame in their conception - only determination, skill, generosity and joy.
- I read a lot about epigenetics. It helped me feel like my role was important in a foundational/developmental way, beyond just good nutrition while pregnant.
- I was, and will always be to some extent, sad that I didn't have viable eggs. I can't change that. But I work hard to make sure that my sadness doesn't manifest as shame. That my kids, our family, anyone around us, does not sense any shame at all - I think the harm to the kids in allowing those feelings to show would be significant. So it's my job, and uniquely my burden in a way, to figure that out for and within myself.
- It has gotten easier to share the fact that we used DE. I don't share it widely, but it isn't a secret and I will tell people fairly freely now. (Especially anyone I sense might be struggling with infertility.) In the long run being more open about it has helped me (occasionally forced me) to address and deal with my own emotions around it. In doing this while my kids are still so little (they are not yet 5) I know that they are blissfully unaware of any possible sadness I might have around this. So now that they are more conscious of my emotions and reactions, the fact that I've gotten through LOTS of early "well, actually we used donor eggs to conceive so the family resemblance is mostly on my husband's side" kinds of things has really helped me practice how to do that gracefully.
- Practice helps. You'll get better, it will get easier, and your emotions around it are likely to settle in time. I will say that if you plan to tell your child (which I totally agree with) and any other people in your life, in my opinion you might as well just decide that it won't be a secret. Period. Then you don't have to spend time or energy worrying about how to keep a secret, who to trust, whether you shouldn't have told, when is the perfect moment, did someone betray your trust, how close is close enough to be told, etc... Because then you don't have to communicate to your child that anything about this is a secret. Secrets breed shame, and anxiety and guilt. If you don't want any of that around the gift of your child, then it starts with how you manage the DE information. (Again - this is just my opinion and experience. I respect that others may feel quite differently.) So if you know that you will tell your mom at some point, and others, and that some of them are likely to tell, and that your community is pretty small and chatty - then I think you might just as well accept that this will become known information. Then the question for you is in the messaging around that and how you manage it. Accept that it will be known, then figure out how you will communicate it and what you will tell others they should say when asked. This doesn't have to mean that you broadcast it, just that from the very start you are clear that you are thrilled to have had the option, thrilled to be a mom, adore your child, and rejoice in the opportunity and magic that made all of that possible. And that, of course, this is also highly personal and in the end it is and will be your child's story to tell as he/she chooses so you will expect everyone to respect that privacy just as they would for any other matter. (Or something like that. But that's what I mean about you deciding the messaging.)

Overall though, what I most want to say is that this will probably get much easier as the struggles of infertility recede into your history and the more present challenges of parenting take over.

The single, most helpful thing for me has been watching my children grow - especially in the last couple of years. They are unique little creatures. I can see my husband in them, occasionally I see the donor in my daughter's appearance, and I can see my characteristics and mannerisms in them. But what I see most is unique individuals. (Having twins has helped also.) They are their own persons, very much influenced by their family, but largely who they are from the moment they were born. I can't imagine having two other children. I can imagine more kids, and I do still daydream about what kids from my own eggs might look like. But I would never want to not have these two children in my life. So I'm eternally grateful to the donor and those two specific eggs that resulted in these people in my life. With any other eggs I would have these kids. So knowing and loving them the way I do has really helped turn some of my feelings about DE around. I just wouldn't trade them for anything - so how can I feel badly about how we made them? It really does change my mindset.
- And, amazingly, the older they get the less i think about donor egg. Like, waaaay less. Like maybe it occurs to me once every few months now and I have to remind myself when doctors ask about family history or something.

You are still in the weeds. I hope your mom is respectful and thoughtful and supportive. But if not this will all be part of you learning how to build and protect your own nuclear family - with careful boundaries and limits. No matter how children come in to your life you will face those issues so you just get to have a head start on this issue.

Congrats again OP.

Another DE Mom here. That was beautiful. And very similar to how I feel. The first few weeks of everyone trying to find DH's family features in DS hurt a little. But we are now at 4 months and it rarely happens anymore. He is not DH or the DE, he is his own unique person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:genetics are over rated

To the contrary it's underrated. All the research shows that way more stuff is inherited than previously thought - intelligence, personality, religiosity, temperament - all highly heritable.

And while genetic combinations are unpredictable it is still the case that child will share 50% of genes with each of their parents. If she doesn't looks like her mother she will share something else with her. Theoretically siblings might not have anything in common but (grand)parents and children always do. Furthermore it is precisely because grandparents are less central to the child's life that genetic connection carries more weight in that relationship.

It might not matter to many or they might learn to forget about it. But stop pretending than only morons or unsophisticates can have any interest in genetic connection.

Actually, my mother and father have no biological connection to my daughter, because I am adopted. And they love her to pieces, not because she shares their genes, but because she is their grandchild. She shares a lot of other things with them, just not a particular sequence of ATGC on her chromosomes. If my mother cared about my child one iota less because she wasn't genetically connected, she would not be a part of my child's life. I feel sorry for people who care that much about this, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them hurt my kid.

[Anonymous]

DE mom here. After the pregnancy is over no one will ask or care In the 18 years since I did DE not one single person has EVER asked me or cared about my kids genetic status. I cannot even imagine someone asking me about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:genetics are over rated

To the contrary it's underrated. All the research shows that way more stuff is inherited than previously thought - intelligence, personality, religiosity, temperament - all highly heritable.

And while genetic combinations are unpredictable it is still the case that child will share 50% of genes with each of their parents. If she doesn't looks like her mother she will share something else with her. Theoretically siblings might not have anything in common but (grand)parents and children always do. Furthermore it is precisely because grandparents are less central to the child's life that genetic connection carries more weight in that relationship.

It might not matter to many or they might learn to forget about it. But stop pretending than only morons or unsophisticates can have any interest in genetic connection.

Actually, my mother and father have no biological connection to my daughter, because I am adopted. And they love her to pieces, not because she shares their genes, but because she is their grandchild. She shares a lot of other things with them, just not a particular sequence of ATGC on her chromosomes. If my mother cared about my child one iota less because she wasn't genetically connected, she would not be a part of my child's life. I feel sorry for people who care that much about this, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let them hurt my kid.

look, you don't care, i get it. i could be nasty as you are and point out that perhaps you don't really have a choice, and neither do your parents. all i am asking from you and people like you is to stop implying that everyone who wants a genetic connection is somehow less moral and doesn't understand what things are really about. we don't love our children any less just because we also enjoy the fact that we are genetically related. it's a great thing, and you can suck it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell your mom, and I'd wait to tell the child about this until they were old enough to be able to make an informed, thoughtful, and independent decision about who, if anyone, they want to tell. There is no need to tell your mom, and if I were you I wouldn't tell her the truth if directly asked. This is none of her business, and all of yours and your child's.

I agree with this. Well said.

Op - do you think your mom would blab to your child about DE? You know, beating you to the punch?

Can you see your mom holding your 3 yr old (just old enough to be impressionable, confused , and ask questions, but still too young to comprehend biology) on her lap saying something like "Larla, it's too bad you didn't get me and mommy's blond curly hair. It would be so much more cute with a barrett". - type statement.

[Anonymous]

Not to dismiss DE mom but it sounds like talking about her DE experience to everyone who will listen is the central experience of her life. Talk talk talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to dismiss DE mom but it sounds like talking about her DE experience to everyone who will listen is the central experience of her life. Talk talk talk.

Nope. Hers was the most interesting and relevant perspective on the thread.