Telling mom I used donor egg

[Anonymous]

I know you don't want to lie but telling her a white lie until you are ready to deal with it is ok. Take care of yourself and the baby first. You can't worry about everyone's feelings right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pregnant with a baby created by using donor eggs. My mom knew I'd move to donor eggs if my own didn't work, but so far she hasn't asked whose eggs we used. She seems to be assuming I used mine because she has made comments about genetics. I want to eventually tell her the truth because I am not going to keep this a secret from my child, but I'm honestly not ready to have that conversation yet. I'm still really sad that I couldn't use my eggs and I'm not ready to deal with my mom's sadness about it (and she will be sad).

I'm seeing her this weekend. If she asks, is there anything I can say to side step the issue? I don't want to lie to her -- I just want to kick it down the road a bit.

I'm thinking something along the lines of, "you know, I don't really want to think about what I had to do to make this baby right now. I just want to celebrate that I'm pregnant. There will be plenty if time to talk about genes later." Or something like that. Suggestions?

Been down this road. Just don't think about "the big secret" -- it is no one's business. there is a difference between lying and keeping things private. Right now it is bigger in your head that anywhere else. She will be so excited about the future grandchild it will be easy to sidestep - just talk about names or cute clothes or any other things... you will be fine! Bring it up later- like after the baby comes. Once she sees that face she won't be sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her and be done with it!

+1 My mom would know if I was side stepping and she might even get worried that something might be wrong. Just tell her. Then start talking about baby names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. As I read these suggestions, I'm also realizing that I'm concerned she will tell people. I plan to tell only a small group of people -- I am going to let everyone else assume it's my egg (I'm youngish) until the child is old enough to start telling people herself, if she chooses to. My mom has no filter or discretion. If she's thinking about something, she says it. Which means everyone in my hometown and extended family and every person she sits next to on a plane will know my business. I always dislike that, but it is particularly bothersome to me when it's about something that I feel strong emotions about, like this.

I probably should not have told her donor egg was an option since I don't actually trust how she will deal with the news, but that ship has already sailed.

OP I would go with "of course its my baby!" for now. Your mom does not sound very mature, and she has not gotten the message that it is your news to tell. As a DE mom, I know exactly how you feel! DE pregnancy is a tumultuous time (because usually you have tried for a long time and had many set backs) so whatever works to make your path smoother is best. "I dont feel like talking about it" = I used DE but Im not telling you. That will not work, sorry. After your baby is born, and you have adjusted to that you can revisit this. I never told my MIL and have never regretted it for one second. I did however, tell one blabber mouth (not close) friend who told anyone who would listen. Fortuneteller we live in different states!

[Anonymous]

^^ Fortuneteller?? Fortunately.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

You are a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

You are a horrible person.

Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?

[Anonymous]

My mom once said re: adoption "how does anyone not fall in love with a baby who is in their arms and their family, no matter how it got there?" No one in my family has adopted, but I remember the lovely sentiment. It sounds like you're in a tough position. I would vote for telling her, but I hear you on the blabber mouth thing. Personally, when I friend of mine told me she'd used donor eggs I remember asking what the process was like since she shared with me, but I can't imagine asking or caring if I heard tha 2nd hand about someone.

[Anonymous]

Based on your follow-up, I would not tell her. She can't be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

You are a horrible person.

Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?

Really that is awful. I suppose if knowing it's a donor egg would make the Op's mom love the baby less - it is better to find that out now. Op would then have plenty of time to place distance between herself and that so called "grandmother".

[Anonymous]

Maybe a little white lie? If it comes up, tell her you just don't know. Say that you had your own eggs supplemented with donor eggs and without a genetic test that you may do later you won't know for sure which egg was fertilized. Note that it surely doesn't matter because this is the most loved and wanted little baby ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

You are a horrible person.

Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?

Really that is awful. I suppose if knowing it's a donor egg would make the Op's mom love the baby less - it is better to find that out now. Op would then have plenty of time to place distance between herself and that so called "grandmother".

It is not her biological grandchild. You can't force a grandparent to adopt a grandchild other than falling in love.
It may happen or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would not consider a donor egg baby to be my grandchild would not want to know.

You are a horrible person.

Why doesn't she have the right to that feeling?
It is not her biological grand child. you can't force love.
I am sure the mother supports her daughter but if she doesn't love the child as her own you can't force that, can you?

Really that is awful. I suppose if knowing it's a donor egg would make the Op's mom love the baby less - it is better to find that out now. Op would then have plenty of time to place distance between herself and that so called "grandmother".

It is not her biological grandchild. You can't force a grandparent to adopt a grandchild other than falling in love.
It may happen or not.

It may not happen if it is her biological grandchild.

Yes, she is entitled to her feelings, but that doesn't mean ithers can't have their opinion on whether such feelings qualify her as a horrible person. Are you truly arguing that all feelings are valid and how someone feels doesn't, under some subjective standard developed by you, won't make them horrible?

[Anonymous]

DE mom here: People were very pushy about asking. is it is it? I really want to know! I had had enough people in my business throughout the infertility process. I protected my privacy. And those people who "needed to know...?" We moved to a better school system and I never saw them much after that. It was just gossip to them. I know this is your mom, but once you tell someone, you have told everyone. My pregnancy was nerve wracking after so many m/c and the last thing I needed was the neighborhood gossip or a mom who did not understand. My twins are in MS now and I am very glad that it is not public knowledge -- just another thing to deal with.