Telling mom I used donor egg

[Anonymous]

I am pregnant with a baby created by using donor eggs. My mom knew I'd move to donor eggs if my own didn't work, but so far she hasn't asked whose eggs we used. She seems to be assuming I used mine because she has made comments about genetics. I want to eventually tell her the truth because I am not going to keep this a secret from my child, but I'm honestly not ready to have that conversation yet. I'm still really sad that I couldn't use my eggs and I'm not ready to deal with my mom's sadness about it (and she will be sad).

I'm seeing her this weekend. If she asks, is there anything I can say to side step the issue? I don't want to lie to her -- I just want to kick it down the road a bit.

I'm thinking something along the lines of, "you know, I don't really want to think about what I had to do to make this baby right now. I just want to celebrate that I'm pregnant. There will be plenty if time to talk about genes later." Or something like that. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

If you say that she will get suspicious.

[Anonymous]

I can see how you would want to wait a bit. If it were me I'd wait until the baby is here and everyone is over the moon before discussing it with her.

What you have is fine. But just out of curiosity, what exactly does she want to talk about regarding genes? If she knew that DE was in the cards and presumably didn't raise a stink about it, then she's probably more okay with it than you think.

[Anonymous]

Just know that, if you don't tell her before birth, it might be uncomfortable when she talks about Grandma's eyes and Mommy's nose and Aunt Janie's dimples. You probably should tell before birth.

[Anonymous]

Kicking it down the road will not help you nor will it help your mother adjust. The sooner she knows the longer she will have to come to terms with it. It will be your child and her grandchild and she will love it. Sadness has a place in our lives and time lets us heal. Give her time to be sad so that she will be ready for the joy of her new grandchild.

[Anonymous]

"I'm processing a lot right now and would just like to enjoy my 'happy to be pregnant bubble' right now. Let's not talk about the long road this has been." That will clue her in and maybe get her to assume you have used donor eggs. If she says anything just simply repeat with a smile, "I asked not to discuss that now." and change the subject. Go with nursery colors. That always sparks conversation and will give her something to disagree with that won't be as emotional for you!

The longer you put it off, the closer it will be to the baby being here-maybe the baby will even be here - and then she'll be so smitten that it won't matter!

[Anonymous]

Just tell her and be done with it!

[Anonymous]

She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pregnant with a baby created by using donor eggs. My mom knew I'd move to donor eggs if my own didn't work, but so far she hasn't asked whose eggs we used. She seems to be assuming I used mine because she has made comments about genetics. I want to eventually tell her the truth because I am not going to keep this a secret from my child, but I'm honestly not ready to have that conversation yet. I'm still really sad that I couldn't use my eggs and I'm not ready to deal with my mom's sadness about it (and she will be sad).

I'm seeing her this weekend. If she asks, is there anything I can say to side step the issue? I don't want to lie to her -- I just want to kick it down the road a bit.

I'm thinking something along the lines of, "you know, I don't really want to think about what I had to do to make this baby right now. I just want to celebrate that I'm pregnant. There will be plenty if time to talk about genes later." Or something like that. Suggestions?

I am sorry that you were unable to use your own eggs, however I am really happy for you! You will be able to have and hold the miracle of life, it does not matte if its your own blood, it will be your baby by choice. Was this process expensive? I've waited too long and I think I will miss out on motherhood if I wait any longer, sadly I don't have money
I know many will jump on me for wanting to have a baby I may not be able to afford..but should I be deny motherhood because I'm poor? I would work my bottom off for any kid. I do now, just don't have $$ to show for it.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP. I like 1517's suggestion. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's very into the idea that this baby will look like her. I look like her, and this baby is a girl, and she's excited about having another clone. This would be her only genetic grandchild (the rest are step -- I am her biological daughter) and she's excited about that.

I don't actually mind if what I say in fact answers the question -- I don't want to talk about it or deal with her feelings on the matter right now. I will honestly be a little angry if she cares so much what this baby looks like rather than just being super happy for me that I'm finally getting a baby. But I know it's reasonable for her to have her own feelings about it. I'm just not ready to deal with that yet.

You have all your answers right here.

"Mom, I don't really want to talk about this or deal with your feelings about this right now. I'm sorry. I just would like to enjoy being pregnant and be super happy about that because it's been a long road. I know it's reasonable for you to have your own feelings about this, I'm just not ready to deal with YOUR feelings because I am still working on mine. Now let's go shop for some cute baby shit!"

[Anonymous]

OP again. As I read these suggestions, I'm also realizing that I'm concerned she will tell people. I plan to tell only a small group of people -- I am going to let everyone else assume it's my egg (I'm youngish) until the child is old enough to start telling people herself, if she chooses to. My mom has no filter or discretion. If she's thinking about something, she says it. Which means everyone in my hometown and extended family and every person she sits next to on a plane will know my business. I always dislike that, but it is particularly bothersome to me when it's about something that I feel strong emotions about, like this.

I probably should not have told her donor egg was an option since I don't actually trust how she will deal with the news, but that ship has already sailed.

[Anonymous]

And to the PP who asked about cost, yes, it's extremely expensive, unfortunately. You can use donor embryo, in which a couple who has embryos from an iVF cycle gives you the ones they are not going to transfer, and that is less expensive. But even that is thousands of dollars per try. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And to the PP who asked about cost, yes, it's extremely expensive, unfortunately. You can use donor embryo, in which a couple who has embryos from an iVF cycle gives you the ones they are not going to transfer, and that is less expensive. But even that is thousands of dollars per try. I'm sorry.

Thank you for answering OP, congratulations again

[Anonymous]

My 3 bio kids do not look like me. They look like dh and MIL. My mom lies to me and I don't speak to her anymore. I don't care about the appearance thing anymore, just want my kids to be healthy and happy. My son has major medical issues but he's doing pretty well now.