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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
This is OP. dh's father is extremely passive and gets pushed around by his overbearing wife a lot. I am appalled at how he takes on her rude attitude towards him. I feel bad for my dh because he has never had, it seems, a good role model for how to be a husband or father. I am incredibly nice to him and let him lead the house. He was pleasantly surprised at first.[/quote]

OP, seriously. You need to let go of these rigid gender roles. You are fixated on him needing to present as masculine, athletic, and bossy in order to "be a husband or father." Why is that? Why cannot he just be himself? Presumably you liked who that was enough to marry him so it was good enough for him to be a good husband. Why is it not good enough for him to be a father?[/quote]

She probably did not know her FIL was ineffective and passive and her MIL was pushy.  
The real question is what came first?  Overbearing MIL, OR Ineffective FIL which caused MIL to have to do everything.

Or maybe those two types seek each other out.  OP should be careful she and her DH do not fall into that same cycle. Start making chores lists, be clear, be fair, be nice when making requests, but make sure you both are PARTNERS in everything, do not start doing everything -- that will build resentment. [/quote]

This is OP. I did not know his parents well until after he proposed. It was truly a shock to witness their dynamic. His father is a huge pushover and literally takes crap from her all the time. At Christmas dinner, [b]she would yell at him across the table about how incompetent he is. He'd just sit there and smile.[/b]

DH tells me now that his father stood by and did nothing when his mom was mean to him when he was little. DH has also been in emotionally abusive relationships before me. He loves that I am "normal" and treat him with respect. He did not realize that was normal and necessary. I worry how this will translate into our kids; especially if we have boys. [/quote]

he sounds passive aggressive.  he may have truly been incompetent, sometimes on purpose (passive aggressive), and that drives anyone mad. 
what was the mom really saying?  that she asked him to do something and he didn't?

but then again, she was mean to a child as well, which is alarming.

not good. I'd rec therapy for all. he needs some examples on how to communicate, how to relate to others, how to be empowered. [/quote]

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