Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

PP already said that he would wait until youngest child is in college. Child support at that point would be minimal, if anything.

Alimony in ththe context that many people think about doesn't exist in that capacity, everywhere.

And why would a spouse want to "keep" someone who only views them as a bank account and it not putting their own value into the marriage and partnership? If it's a mutual agreement, it's different than a unilateral one.

Depends on the age of the spouse. A woman in her mid-50s that can portray herself as "selflessly staying at home for the kid's sake" (and said kids are now in college) is way more likely to get lifetime or long-term support than a 35-year-old with two elementary school aged kids. ESPECIALLY if there's adultery or the such.

Now if you're willing to cough up X hundred a month just to get rid of the woman, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Not trying to sound elitist. Just saying that my husband would rather not have to deal with any of the above than have an extra $10-15k after taxes. It would be different if our family was doing without. But we are simple people and live well below our means. No one would guess his income based on our house/cars/etc. My clothes are from the Loft at 40% off and my handbags are from TJMaxx.

Seems you're not the target audience for this thread. Note pissed-off husbands earlier in it. But it's cute that you call the income people mention here 'incremental." What a snooty, elitist thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop insinuating hat all women will only end up with the "low paying" jobs after staying at home. My DH leaves it up to me, SAHM or work. I have taken two three year leaves since I had children 15 years ago. I was able to take a few years off and then enter the market at a higher rate (which is quite high) both times. No one bats an eye during interviews when I tell them I chose to stay at home until the kids started school and then stayed at home due to personal family needs. If you are good at what you do and keep updated on your industry, it's perfectly acceptable to take time off. I wouldn't trade my time off for anything. Stop acting like SAHM's are going to work at Walmart because they decided not to work for awhile.

I bet you $100 you're not a corporate lawyer. What do you consider a "quite high" rate?

Over $200K/yr in IT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question is for husbands only with SAHMs who really preferred their wives were working. I'm assuming you were okay with the arrangement before but what changed your mind?

I never changed my mind. My wife just decided to stop working. Then she got pregnant, had a kid, sayed home till school age by plan. Now, she continues to SAH, even though the child is 16.

And does she clean the house, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. so that you don't have to? Good assistants, chefs, chauffers, maids, and nannies are expensive, you know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

What makes you think his XW will be entitled to alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

Men cannot give birth but they certainly can care for babies. What decade are you living in?

[Anonymous]

If she has been out of the work force for 20 years, YBYA she will get alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

Yes, its a better "contribution" than working at Loft or as an instructional aide at the local elementary school, or as somebody's admin for $15/hour, which are basically the jobs I am qualified for at this point. Seems a little ridiculous to work for so little when my husband makes $400k/year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

Right?!? My favorite are the SAHMs who are like "he's totally cool with it!" and would freak the eff out if their husbands said "sorry honey, done working, you get a job now, thx!"

I'd be happy to. I can't earn a quarter of what he earns at any job that would hire me at this point, though, so he would a SAHD with zero household help.

Clearly part of the problem is your career plan was to SAH, hence income was self limited.

[Anonymous]

I think DHs who resent their SAH wives are ones who are low earners and need the additional income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

Well DH sure as hell isn't going to do it - even on Amazon - or wrap it - or even be aware that a gifting occasion even exists. If I worked full-time, he would not magically start handling this. So why should I do everything I do now, PLUS work, when all DH has to do is work and nothing more? Its better this way - he and I both agree, so good thing you don't need to understand it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

Well DH sure as hell isn't going to do it - even on Amazon - or wrap it - or even be aware that a gifting occasion even exists. If I worked full-time, he would not magically start handling this. So why should I do everything I do now, PLUS work, when all DH has to do is work and nothing more? Its better this way - he and I both agree, so good thing you don't need to understand it!

You spend 8 hours a day buying gifts online and consider it equivalent to a work day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

Yes, its a better "contribution" than working at Loft or as an instructional aide at the local elementary school, or as somebody's admin for $15/hour, which are basically the jobs I am qualified for at this point. Seems a little ridiculous to work for so little when my husband makes $400k/year.

I'm actually curious - not trying to be snarky - what do you do that gives you fulfillment in your life? Do you volunteer? Do a lot for extended family? Have a hobby you're deeply into? My husband makes a fortune and I've pondered if I've wanted to pull back to make our lives easier but I'm worried I'd feel like I had no purpose / goals / direction anymore.