Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

I think this is something you have to talk about before marriage. DH wasn't okay with SAHMs and wouldn't be okay now with one. But we have an equal marriage, make similar salaries and both are interested in family.

[Anonymous]

Can she retrain for a new career? While kids young in school than launch out once upper elementary? I know many SAHMs who did that (met them all in nursing school)

[Anonymous]

My brother married someone who never worked. It was never part of the deal and was a huge source of stress for him--he made a decent salary as a scientist but was not rolling in wealth. She has skills and high education (he helped her through graduate school), but is spoiled with unrealistic expectations. Refused to apply for administrative jobs, or things that were not exciting opportunities for international travel,etc. They do not have kids, and now she is divorcing him and taking half or more of the assets that he built up over their marriage. He should have left her long ago, but he kept hoping she would find her passion. I think she did--and its not with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thought she'd go back.

If you're honest with yourself, can she? Does she have any chance at all of getting anything other than a low-paying job that will just mean she expects you to do a lot more at home?

A low paying job still helps the household financially, can provide benefits, can help with retirement savings, etc. there is no reason for a parent to be home 24/7 the entire time after kids start school.

I think a lot of men who feel this way then pull the "I make most of the money" card when it comes to grocery shopping and school events. So now mom is working a crummy job for little pay and doing all the domestic stuff. Maybe that's still better, but I do think people underestimate how much life changes with two working spouses.

This is why we both worked full time from the beginning. My husband does little enough, but would do a helluva lot less if I didn't make 55% of the HHI and work 5 hours more a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

I've tried to encourage this. I've actually made a documented effort to encourage my wife to either retrain or get back into her field. She was refused and made this a line in the sand. Very, very depressed and refuses therapy, treatment, etc. The effect of this has been 17 years of living with a person I just don't completely trust. I enjoy her company. We have a friendly, civil relationship, but there is a wall there that prevents me from ever, ever trusting her.

Waiting out the divorce was a parenting decision. I didn't want to leave my kids with a depressed shell person. I fully expect to pay alimony for a period of time and imagine handing over the house and half of my retirement should be enough to end this without financial pain.

[Anonymous]

Stop insinuating hat all women will only end up with the "low paying" jobs after staying at home. My DH leaves it up to me, SAHM or work. I have taken two three year leaves since I had children 15 years ago. I was able to take a few years off and then enter the market at a higher rate (which is quite high) both times. No one bats an eye during interviews when I tell them I chose to stay at home until the kids started school and then stayed at home due to personal family needs. If you are good at what you do and keep updated on your industry, it's perfectly acceptable to take time off. I wouldn't trade my time off for anything. Stop acting like SAHM's are going to work at Walmart because they decided not to work for awhile.

[Anonymous]

I jumped right back into a job at a higher score alarm after staying at home.

[Anonymous]

Higher pay, not score

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop insinuating hat all women will only end up with the "low paying" jobs after staying at home. My DH leaves it up to me, SAHM or work. I have taken two three year leaves since I had children 15 years ago. I was able to take a few years off and then enter the market at a higher rate (which is quite high) both times. No one bats an eye during interviews when I tell them I chose to stay at home until the kids started school and then stayed at home due to personal family needs. If you are good at what you do and keep updated on your industry, it's perfectly acceptable to take time off. I wouldn't trade my time off for anything. Stop acting like SAHM's are going to work at Walmart because they decided not to work for awhile.

The key is the 3 year stint. If you had kids closer together and been out for 7 years, you would have different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop insinuating hat all women will only end up with the "low paying" jobs after staying at home. My DH leaves it up to me, SAHM or work. I have taken two three year leaves since I had children 15 years ago. I was able to take a few years off and then enter the market at a higher rate (which is quite high) both times. No one bats an eye during interviews when I tell them I chose to stay at home until the kids started school and then stayed at home due to personal family needs. If you are good at what you do and keep updated on your industry, it's perfectly acceptable to take time off. I wouldn't trade my time off for anything. Stop acting like SAHM's are going to work at Walmart because they decided not to work for awhile.

So all the studies that show this does not happen most of the time are just bullshit?

[Anonymous]

It's hard to be 40 and starting at an entry level position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be 40 and starting at an entry level position.

You're right. Much harder than sitting home, not contributing your fair share.

It really shouldn't be THAT hard, if you were interested in helping your family, had a career before (you have a shorter curve on learning and understanding the politics in most offices). Not to mention, you have the motivation of having an entry leveL job that won't likely be sucking all your soul and time.

[Anonymous]

I got knocked out of the game 7 years ago while pregnant with my 2nd during a RIF. I interviewed for new jobs but as soon as I walked in with my huge belly the looks on their faces said it all and I couldn't get a new job while pregnant. I know technically that's illegal but it's reality. I have never stopped looking, I have even looked in other industries. Either I am "too qualified" or the hours are insane and they won't agree to let me leave in order to pick up my kids from aftercare at 6, because if they let me they say they have to let everyone else. I've heard it all. It's so depressing.

I would love, LOVE, to go back to a real job. But I can't seem to find one. I love all these happy, perfect stories about women who get better jobs, at higher pay, after taking some time off, but it hasn't happened for me. I have lots of contacts, I have my JD and MBA. But it's hard out there. So stop with the one size fits all they are giving away jobs if you really looked stories.

[Anonymous]

Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be 40 and starting at an entry level position.

You're right. Much harder than sitting home, not contributing your fair share.

It really shouldn't be THAT hard, if you were interested in helping your family, had a career before (you have a shorter curve on learning and understanding the politics in most offices). Not to mention, you have the motivation of having an entry leveL job that won't likely be sucking all your soul and time.

NP here, but what you're not entering into the equation is that a lot of employers want to hire much younger people for entry level jobs. They cost less and are often more technically savvy. It suck but it's true.