Ex husband and wife throwing a birthday party for our child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can really empathize, my first response would be "hell no!" but the best answer is probably what the others have said. Go for a little bit, say hi to her friends and then quietly slip out.

+ 1 yeah, this is how i feel too. i would not want to go either!! but...maybe for a short time, assuming you're invited...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

You sound awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what will you do when your daughter gets married?

Not go because her father and his wife will be there and you don't want to be around either one of them?

As I've said before, by the time that happens, I'm sure I'll be over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go. Plan a treat for yourself for afterwards, and keep thinking about it during the party. Take a million pictures so you don't have to chit chat with your husband and his wife. If you have a family member or close friend, bring them. Or, is there a mom of one of your DD's friends that you are friendly with? Ask her if she's mind staying at the party to provide moral support. I would do that kind of thing in a heartbeat for a another mom.

It’s understood that the step-mom being the reason for divorce would make attending the party be quite uncomfortable. The suggestion above to take a friend along is a good one! Perhaps the time is now to repair all relationships, especially for your sake. It is rare to make the choice to heal and restore connections, even if only for the sake of DD. Yet, it may give you great relief knowing that you all have moved beyond the divorce and are willing to let things go. Someday you will be glad that true reconciliation took place, as we all could learn better the art of forgiveness and moving forward. I see far too many bitter, resentful people in the world today who carry that to the grave. Fresh beginnings and a celebration of your DD birthday is a good place to start!
Here is a linked article on Forgiveness and Restoration. May God give you the strength, wisdom, and courage in this situation and always!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you get a personal invitation directly from step-mom, you have not been invited. What your DD wants, thinks should happen is not important - not even on her birthday. If you get the above invitation, I do think you should suck-it-up and go - then it's about your DD's happiness, not yours.

WTF are you talking about? OF COURSE what DD wants - particularly on her birthday - matters and is important.

Not in this case. She doesn't get what she wants when it forces her mother and step-mother and father into a very awkward, unhappy situation.

She can have a Mother/Daughter spa day or something instead of having her mom at her party.

Of FFS, the girl can't really have two parties with friends and really shouldn't have to choose between parents. Hard as it may be, this is the price you pay for marring someone and having a child with that person. Whether OP was terribly wronged by her Ex-Husband is irrelevant. As a parent, you co-parent, and you show up. It's not about the OP, as she well knows. And the daughter here isn't forcing anyone int an awkward situation, that would have been Ex-Husband when he decided o cheat on his wife and family. And notice that HE is the only one who isn't on the receiving end of ill will here. OP is mad at new wide (not her ex it seems), other posters are frustrated with DD for allegedly being responsible for an uncomfortable situation, and the cheating spouse just goes about his business.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I'm angry with him too, my anger isn't only directed at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go. Plan a treat for yourself for afterwards, and keep thinking about it during the party. Take a million pictures so you don't have to chit chat with your husband and his wife. If you have a family member or close friend, bring them. Or, is there a mom of one of your DD's friends that you are friendly with? Ask her if she's mind staying at the party to provide moral support. I would do that kind of thing in a heartbeat for a another mom.

It’s understood that the step-mom being the reason for divorce would make attending the party be quite uncomfortable. The suggestion above to take a friend along is a good one! Perhaps the time is now to repair all relationships, especially for your sake. It is rare to make the choice to heal and restore connections, even if only for the sake of DD. Yet, it may give you great relief knowing that you all have moved beyond the divorce and are willing to let things go. Someday you will be glad that true reconciliation took place, as we all could learn better the art of forgiveness and moving forward. I see far too many bitter, resentful people in the world today who carry that to the grave. Fresh beginnings and a celebration of your DD birthday is a good place to start!
Here is a linked article on Forgiveness and Restoration. May God give you the strength, wisdom, and courage in this situation and always!

Note: the link above is to a Focus on the Family site

[Anonymous]

OP, think about it this way.

This is YOUR child's birthday. It doesn't matter where the party is. You and your child's father are the first and second guest on the list and the only people who 100% absolutely must be included. Never, ever choose not to go to your own child's birthday party. If anyone should opt out, it would be her, not you.

I agree with the mom who said go for X hours - stay until cake, or whatever - and then leave and go do whatever indulgent thing pleases you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you get a personal invitation directly from step-mom, you have not been invited. What your DD wants, thinks should happen is not important - not even on her birthday. If you get the above invitation, I do think you should suck-it-up and go - then it's about your DD's happiness, not yours.

WTF are you talking about? OF COURSE what DD wants - particularly on her birthday - matters and is important.

Not in this case. She doesn't get what she wants when it forces her mother and step-mother and father into a very awkward, unhappy situation.

She can have a Mother/Daughter spa day or something instead of having her mom at her party.

Of FFS, the girl can't really have two parties with friends and really shouldn't have to choose between parents. Hard as it may be, this is the price you pay for marring someone and having a child with that person. Whether OP was terribly wronged by her Ex-Husband is irrelevant. As a parent, you co-parent, and you show up. It's not about the OP, as she well knows. And the daughter here isn't forcing anyone int an awkward situation, that would have been Ex-Husband when he decided o cheat on his wife and family. And notice that HE is the only one who isn't on the receiving end of ill will here. OP is mad at new wide (not her ex it seems), other posters are frustrated with DD for allegedly being responsible for an uncomfortable situation, and the cheating spouse just goes about his business.

Doing something different with her mother isn't "choosing between parents." She is having a party with her friends at her Dad's house and doing something else with her Mom.

Missing a birthday party isn't really worth all that drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

This was my post. I just wanted to add to something I read up above. The whole concept about this being the step mom that caused the divorce/ruin the marriage is never accurate. Your ex-husband caused the affair/divorce/destroyed the marriage. Its easier to blame her, some unknown whore, but you really have to blame your husband, the man who you chose to marry and love and have children with...thats ALOT harder to do. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. It's weird. My divorced mother and father didn't attend parties/holidays together. It was fine. I am fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

This was my post. I just wanted to add to something I read up above. The whole concept about this being the step mom that caused the divorce/ruin the marriage is never accurate. Your ex-husband caused the affair/divorce/destroyed the marriage. Its easier to blame her, some unknown whore, but you really have to blame your husband, the man who you chose to marry and love and have children with...thats ALOT harder to do. BTDT.

It is easier to blame her, but I blame him too for having the affair and getting her pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. It's weird. My divorced mother and father didn't attend parties/holidays together. It was fine. I am fine.

I'm divorced and remarried to a man who is also divorced. In our families, exes attend their children's birthday parties. It's not weird. (nobody cheated)

[Anonymous]

It takes two to tango. You can be mad at the ex and the OW.

Anger is an emotion that helps us recognize people that don't have our best interest at heart.

They both chose to hurt your daughter, they both can accept the blame.

Go with a friend, they have damaged their relationship with your daughter. But she is stuck with this shitty situation, your job is to be her support system becasue you are the only adult in her life that puts her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. It's weird. My divorced mother and father didn't attend parties/holidays together. It was fine. I am fine.

This. In some cases it causes the kids more stress, because they're looking at you to see if you're upset or stressed or getting along, etc. Kids aren't stupid, they don't have the expectations that you think they do.

My ex and I do joint birthday parties with DD. DH and ex do them individually. Our kids fare no better or worse in these arrangements, it just is what it is.