DH is never getting out of the doghouse for this...

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you what - my mother used to be demanding like you are. No matter how hard my dad tried, no matter what he gave her she didn't like or it wasn't good enough or what she was expecting. I thought my mom was AWFUL for this. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about her reactions that sound like yours. I always felt bad for my father. I have vowed NEVER no matter what to ever think that way about something that someone has picked for me with the hope that I would enjoy no matter how misguided. You should not make such a big deal about your birthday to start with. You aren't a child. Grow up. And when someone gives you a present, no matter what it is, you say thank you and you be grateful for the thought that you should get anything at all. Really, this is just awful behavior that I wouldn't accept from my 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP over reacted, and I don't think I'm being mean for saying so. I wonder if there are other things going on in the marriage. I've cried in front of my children before, but not because of a lousy gift. It may be that I'm unusual: I don't place huge significance on celebrating adult birthdays....I've purchased my own cake in the past, and I have to be honest, I buy it for my kids...on my birthday, I can take or leave birthday cake. We usually cook a really nice dinner together (on the weekend near the birthday), we sing happy birthday and look at homemade cards. Don't get me wrong, I love votives and floral flip flops, and would be happy to receive them as gifts...

OP, it sounds to me like you were getting more irritated by him by the minute throughout the day, and unless he presented you with a sterling necklace, all was lost anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, I realize this was really upsetting to you but you need to get some perspective here. Were the candles and jewelry the gifts your children picked out? If so, sorry, but you kind of suck. My kids could give me a fistful of dirt and I'd be thrilled. If I want sterling silver jewelry I can buy it for myself. A gift is just that - a GIFT. And I cannot even imagine how crushed your kids must have been by your bizarre reaction.

You say after 12 years your husband should know you better. Well, after 12 years you should know him better too. He's not a great gift guy. And that's something the two of you need to come to terms with. But you do not need to be crying and making a big scene over gifts you receive from your CHILDREN because they are not up to your standards. Good lord. My preschool aged kids are more gracious than that.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still there, may I ask whether your original post was a farce? Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll tell you what - my mother used to be demanding like you are. No matter how hard my dad tried, no matter what he gave her she didn't like or it wasn't good enough or what she was expecting. I thought my mom was AWFUL for this. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about her reactions that sound like yours. I always felt bad for my father. I have vowed NEVER no matter what to ever think that way about something that someone has picked for me with the hope that I would enjoy no matter how misguided. You should not make such a big deal about your birthday to start with. You aren't a child. Grow up. And when someone gives you a present, no matter what it is, you say thank you and you be grateful for the thought that you should get anything at all. Really, this is just awful behavior that I wouldn't accept from my 6 year old.

This scenario reminds me of when I was 10 years old. My mother had purchased a birthday card and gift for her from me and made me sign the card and wrap the gift to her according to her specifications. I was to sign the card love with a capital L, comma after the word love and sign my name indented beneath love. I've been estranged from my mother most of my adult life and for good reason.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I've been reading this post and part laughing (can always count in DCUM for entertainment) and part shaking my head. I don't know...of course most people enjoy having their special day - but once we become adults and especially have kids, doesn't it become a little less important? I don't know how old you are OP, but you have children and you're not 10 anymore. To me big bday blowouts are mostly for kids - except if it's a milestone bday.
Personally, I have to agree with the posters who say it sounds really pushy and micromanaging to send your DH to one specific store with a gift card with kids in tow to pick out something for you. And you got pissed because they were useful tapers versus a candle shaped like a flower or something with fish on it? In my house that's called clutter (potentially tacky clutter at that). Sorry, just how I feel about that stuff. If you were so intent on having something from that store - why didn't you save your DH the pain and just go pick something out yourself? (Which you clearly did anyway.) Poor guy. DH and I pick out (and sometimes buy) bday presents for ourselves all the time these days (i.e, use the bday as an excuse to buy something new for ourselves we might otherwise feel guilty about purchasing). Or, we'll get a babysitter on a weekend day that's close to the actual day and go shop for something together that the other person wants and then go to dinner. End of story. It seems like there are so many huge problems happening in this country and this world. Some families don't have a home to go to at night, for starters. I hope that you can gain some perspective if this is the biggest thing you have to worry about. And baking your own cake? Personally, that sounds like a bit of a martyr move to me...unless you just happen to be a cake fanatic and love using your bday as an excuse to bake a cake for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are still there, may I ask whether your original post was a farce? Just wondering.

God, I hope so.

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a couple of thoughts and hope they come across in a positive manner.

1. I am sorry that you didn't have the birthday you want.

2. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages"? Basically, it teaches how so very different we are in how we show love and what we need in order to feel loved. You and your husband might have very different love languages.

3. I am a controlling person. I just have to be in control - not because I want to be a jerk, but I was in an abusive marriage many years ago, and ever since then, I think I always try to control a situation because that gives me security. I've had to learn (and believe me, am still learning - many times unsuccessfully) that I can't control my husband (second marriage - he's not the abusive one) and that when I am controlling - it really just makes him mad and he tunes me out. I've learned that I can't blame him for tuning me out. I've come to understand that in his eyes - I am treating him like a child - not my marriage partner. Perhaps that was the case here. You thought you were making life simpler for your husband - whereas he might have felt belittled. In my situation, I am learning that my husband might not do everything (even most things) how I would do them. But, he is doing things (when I control he stops) and in the process he's wanting to make me happy (and I wish to make him happy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I have a couple of thoughts and hope they come across in a positive manner.

1. I am sorry that you didn't have the birthday you want.

2. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages"? Basically, it teaches how so very different we are in how we show love and what we need in order to feel loved. You and your husband might have very different love languages.

3. I am a controlling person. I just have to be in control - not because I want to be a jerk, but I was in an abusive marriage many years ago, and ever since then, I think I always try to control a situation because that gives me security. I've had to learn (and believe me, am still learning - many times unsuccessfully) that I can't control my husband (second marriage - he's not the abusive one) and that when I am controlling - it really just makes him mad and he tunes me out. I've learned that I can't blame him for tuning me out. I've come to understand that in his eyes - I am treating him like a child - not my marriage partner. Perhaps that was the case here. You thought you were making life simpler for your husband - whereas he might have felt belittled. In my situation, I am learning that my husband might not do everything (even most things) how I would do them. But, he is doing things (when I control he stops) and in the process he's wanting to make me happy (and I wish to make him happy).

Very good insights, PP. And let me second the recommendation of The Five Love Languages. Fabulous book that can provide a whole new perspective on communication in relationships.

[Anonymous]

"To me big bday blowouts are mostly for kids - except if it's a milestone bday."

That's right, it is that way for YOU. Not everyone feels that way. That is also just the way it is. OP is one of those people.

Also, I guess I missed the memo that when you're an adult and/or have kids you aren't supp'd to want to celebrate your birthday. I don't agree with that at all. That's just me, I guess.

OP maybe was a bit particular, but what she wanted was not outlandish or a "blow out" party. But, a little acknowledgment and consideration of her birthday. That's not asking much. And for her DH not to do so is just sh---y.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"To me big bday blowouts are mostly for kids - except if it's a milestone bday."

That's right, it is that way for YOU. Not everyone feels that way. That is also just the way it is. OP is one of those people.

Also, I guess I missed the memo that when you're an adult and/or have kids you aren't supp'd to want to celebrate your birthday. I don't agree with that at all. That's just me, I guess.

OP maybe was a bit particular, but what she wanted was not outlandish or a "blow out" party. But, a little acknowledgment and consideration of her birthday. That's not asking much. And for her DH not to do so is just sh---y.

Um. She did get a "little acknowledgment and consideration." She just didn't like it as it was given.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm still upset.

It's not about the stuff at all. A rock would be a lovely gift, if there were some thought put into it. A rock from a favorite place, for example, or with the kids thumbprints on it -- something meaningful to me.

For those of you with husbands who take you for granted, you will understand.

[Anonymous]

OP,

After reading your original post and your additional posts, I have to say, I don't feels sorry for you. It seems like you have a set plan of how things should go, and when it doesn't go the way you plan, you break down.

Sure, birthdays are nice, and it's nice to get gifts and have a special dinner. However, when you hurt those who love you, you need to rethink your own actions. You are acting like a spoiled five year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For those of you with husbands who take you for granted, you will understand.

If this is the issue, then it really isn't about the birthday at all now is it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm still upset.

It's not about the stuff at all. A rock would be a lovely gift, if there were some thought put into it. A rock from a favorite place, for example, or with the kids thumbprints on it -- something meaningful to me.

For those of you with husbands who take you for granted, you will understand.

Blah, Blah, Blah. If it wasn't about the gift, you wouldn't have been crying about the tapered candles. Maybe he put thought into those, because he knows that you use those type.