DH is never getting out of the doghouse for this...

[Anonymous]

Last night he took the kids out to a store I'd picked out (full of nice girly stuff, stationery, cards, jewelery, kitschy gifts, hand-painted ceramics, soaps, you know the drill). It was my birthday, and I stayed home making my own birthday cake. He was supposed to make the cake, but said he didn't have time, so I did it. He tried to order one from my favorite bakery, but the bakery needed 48 hours to make a cake, but he didn't call until Tuesday (it was closed on Monday for Memorial Day). He was annoyed by this, and didn't try to get a cake from another bakery.

So, at 6:30, I called him at the store and told him I was going to pick up the food for dinner (I had to order it from a restaurant I'd picked out, and pick it up). He sounded really annoyed, and said "I'm going as fast as I can!" He had the kids with him, and the store supposedly closed at 6 p.m. (I'd already checked this out for him when I previewed the store earlier in the day).

I had given him a credit I had from the store, so he didn't have to spend any money. All he had to do was help the kids select a gift for me. I thought they'd enjoy that. The store is full of things I like, little cute items like gardening gloves with bows, flip flops with flowers, little bags, earrings, bowls, pens, note-pads, all sorts of stuff that's not expensive, but cute and fun.

So, after much fanfare, and the kids wrapping the gifts, what did he present me with: Candles. No, not cute little votives in adorable containers, or lovely romantic scented candles for the bathroom or bedroom. No. He bought tapers, the kind we use on our dining table. The kind I have tons of in a cabinet in the dining room. The kind I just bought a packet of at a store last week that was sitting on the kitchen counter for a few days before I put them away when I was cleaning up for my birthday.

And a really ugly fake-silver necklace. I only wear sterling silver jewelery. He knows this.

We've been married for 12 years. How is it that after 12 years of marriage, he doesn't know me well enough to buy something for me that I would actually like? At a store I picked out? Why must I plan and manage my own birthday? I love birthdays. I make a big deal out of everyone's birthday, including DH's. Doesn't he know me?

I started crying at the table, right in front of the kids. After eating the cake, I went out to a nearby store and bought myself some earrings with a gift card my mother-in-law had sent me. I did not feel better. I felt worse.

As it said in that JC Penny ad, "I'm married to you?" Today, I still can't believe it.

[Anonymous]

That sucks, OP. I think I would have cried too.

I think you make things too easy on your spouse. You do all the arranging for him. Let him sweat. Let him screw up. Let him deal with the natural consequences of his acts. Don't arrange, don't give him store credits, don't bake your own cakes and pick up your own birthday dinners. Plenty of places to buy a delicious cake the day of the birthday. Ditto a birthday dinner. Ditto a present. Tiffany's is open, right? My spouse leaves things until the last minute too. But I don't arrange for him. I just let him do it. Somehow he always gets it done. Some years are better than others, but I always get something. Don't be his mother, be his wife.

[Anonymous]

Aw, OP, I'm sorry. It's awful not to get a little reciprocal attention after you do so much for everyone else's birthday. I don't have advice or anything. Just sympathy.

Here's one: My mom has always railed against home necessities as gifts-- 35 years later she's still telling the story about how dad bought her a vacuum cleaner for Christmas and how she wanted to throw it at him. A few years ago, under much guilt-trippy duress, I gave up a fun trip with friends to spend Christmas with my parents, and spend my usual month picking out unique gifts tailored to each member of the family. Sitting around the tree on Christmas morning, I watched my brother unwrap toy after toy (he's in his 30s-- computer games, camera equipment, etc). I had ONE gift, and it was an ordinary desk phone. No cool bells and whistles. Just a plug-in-the-wall $15 telephone. Knowing that my mother would manage to make it all about her if I said something ("you never tell me what you want!"), and that my poor helpless dad would feel terrible, I kept quiet, but I was fighting back tears. I know how crappy you feel.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting to read some bad stuff and I have to say, I think perhaps you are overreacting...

So your DH and kids got you crap gifts. I mean - perhaps that what you get when you micro-manage the process.

Sounds like more than anything you need a break to gain a little perspective.

[Anonymous]

Hey. You have every right to be mad. My birthday was this past Tuesday - the 26th - and if I had gotten this and had to make this much effort - I would have cried, too. All I had to do was tell DH and DD how to make buttercream frosting and tell DH where I wanted to have dinner for just the two of us. I got lots of home made cards from DD and DS and a bunch of pretty pink roses from Safeway from DH, not fancy but really sweet.

Still, it took a bit of training to get DH to be like this on mky b-day as he is the least romantic guy ever -never brings me flowers just because, forgets the day we got married, met , etc..., he just learned over time that on my birthday, like most people, I want to be treated kindly and showered with love (not things). Sadly, sometimes the only way to get themn to this opoint is to 1.) handle their bext b-day as they handled your last one and 2.) remind them numerous times what you expect. This year, I did not have to do that at all. Finally.

And, just to give you a laugh - DS (8) asked me the next morning, "when are all your packages coming?" "What do you mean," I asked. "You know, all your birthday packages from everyone," he said. Then he asked when my party is... ha ha ha.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are way too high. You want things to be done your way, and get disappointed when that doesn't happen. I get it, I can be that way, too. But by making your own bday cake and picking up your own birthday dinner and instructing your family where to shop you have set your expectations for a birthday the way you would do it for someone else. And I'm sure you do a fabulous job. But by trying to create the same thing for yourself you've made yourself bitter and set yourself up for disappointment. I guarantee that your husband would not do things the same way for your birthday as you would. But you need to put away the yardstick of how you would do things and let him plan his own birthday celebration. And try to appreciate it for what it is. And if it makes you feel better, plan for an afternoon sometime the weekend after your birthday where you will celebrate as you would like to celebrate - not the cake and present and whatever, but an outing or purchase that is just for you. I'm sorry that your birthday was disappointing, I really am. But if you keep doing things the way you are you will always be disappointed because it will never be exactly as you want.

[Anonymous]

May I also suggest the Amazon Wish List? It's practically saved our marriage, as well as made my relationship with my parents a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this pissed you off. Do you have a plan on talking to your husband about it?

If you don't, plan on next year's birthday happening the same way.

Someone at work recently recommended the Book Crucial Conversations - here is a blurb from the book on Amazon:
"Crucial" conversations are interpersonal exchanges at work or at home that we dread having but know we cannot avoid. How do you say what needs to be said while avoiding an argument with a boss, child, or relationship partner? Crucial Conversations offers readers a proven seven-point strategy for achieving their goals in all those emotionally, psychologically, or legally charged situations that can arise in their professional and personal lives. Based on the authors' highly popular DialogueSmart training seminars, the techniques are geared toward getting people to lower their defenses, creating mutual respect and understanding, increasing emotional safety, and encouraging freedom of expression. Among other things, readers also learn about the four main factors that characterize crucial conversations, and they get a powerful six-minute mastery technique that prepares them to work through any highimpact situation with confidence."


I am horrible about these things - and I am planning on picking this book up to help me with these conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are way too high. You want things to be done your way, and get disappointed when that doesn't happen. I get it, I can be that way, too. But by making your own bday cake and picking up your own birthday dinner and instructing your family where to shop you have set your expectations for a birthday the way you would do it for someone else. And I'm sure you do a fabulous job. But by trying to create the same thing for yourself you've made yourself bitter and set yourself up for disappointment. I guarantee that your husband would not do things the same way for your birthday as you would. But you need to put away the yardstick of how you would do things and let him plan his own birthday celebration. And try to appreciate it for what it is. And if it makes you feel better, plan for an afternoon sometime the weekend after your birthday where you will celebrate as you would like to celebrate - not the cake and present and whatever, but an outing or purchase that is just for you. I'm sorry that your birthday was disappointing, I really am. But if you keep doing things the way you are you will always be disappointed because it will never be exactly as you want.

I agree. Perhaps the kids picked out the gifts themselves. They might have been hurt that you were crying when you saw what they had picked.

[Anonymous]

"Your expectations are way too high. You want things to be done your way, and get disappointed when that doesn't happen. "

I disagree. Why should she set her expectations low when -from what she says- she goes above and beyond for all other family members?? It sucks that her DH was so unthoughtful. I get really PO'd when I hear stories like this. How can he not manage to order a cake and p/u dinner as well as get a gift? I've arranged all that for my DH's b-day in TWO WEEKS?

THere are many ways to handle this, OP, depending on your personality, DH, etc. You could just talk to him about it (direct and somewhat confrontational), dial it down for his birthday and see how he feels about it (more passive aggressive and depends on how much he values his b-day). Or just accept that your DH is thoughtless and for your next b-day inform HIM that you will be taking the day off and go treat yourself ON HIS TAB and that way he is off the hook and you get some special time for you. This takes away any of your expectations and does not require anything of him. This may / may not appeal to you for various reasons but is an option.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who just wrote about the kids picking out the gifts themselves. I would just dial it down when you do your DH's b-day. The thing is, people were brought up differently when it comes to b-days. In my and my DH's family, it's pretty simple. Maybe that is the problem? That your DH doesn't think it's a big deal and you do? Ask DH to sit down and work this out. I'm guessing that perhaps he doesn't understand why you're so into b-days for adults. You guys can work it out.

[Anonymous]

Okay, 16:40, maybe I should have phrased it differently. It's not that she needs to have low expectations, but that she can't expect that things will be done as she would do them. But given the tone of her post, I think that she herself would say that anything less than what she does is "low expectation" material.

[Anonymous]

OP, i COMPLETELY get you on this. I have always been the one to make much of everyone else on birthdays and Christmas. I am finally over it. To adults, I give small token gifts and that's it. I spend all my money and emotional and physical effort going over the top for my own kids. My only advice is to let your DH take responsibility for not giving you a special birthday and then let it drop. (I also agree that if your kids picked out the candles you would look at them in a completely different light, so maybe you should ask them if they did.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i COMPLETELY get you on this. I have always been the one to make much of everyone else on birthdays and Christmas. I am finally over it. To adults, I give small token gifts and that's it. I spend all my money and emotional and physical effort going over the top for my own kids. My only advice is to let your DH take responsibility for not giving you a special birthday and then let it drop. (I also agree that if your kids picked out the candles you would look at them in a completely different light, so maybe you should ask them if they did.)

17:27 again -- OP, I also meant to add that you described the entire thing perfectly. It made me want to cry (I guess because I know where you're coming from). Really well-written post, IMO.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't invest so much meaning into a b'day. Having said that though, if it does mean so much to you, then your DH should clearly have learned after 12 years of marriage how to properly spoil you on your birthday! It's a pity you had such a crappy b'day, but I wouldn't dwell on it.