DH is never getting out of the doghouse for this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of us have mommy issues. Sounds as though they never get resolved.

I'm finding this thread very funny, and I'm the OP many of you are criticizing. I haven't had a good laugh in a while, so this is helping a lot. Thanks.

Tiffany Suggester: Thanks, you are right on the money.

Wow.

OP - let me ask you something...do you think it is normal to micro-manage your husband the way you did and then throw a fit and cry when he gets you a present you don't like? Seriously...this is not normal, adult behavior. The posters speaking about their mothers are trying to offer you a little perspective and insight - which you asked for by posting here. You may want to think long and hard about laughing at them b/c you really do sound like you could use some of their advice.

[Anonymous]

I had a boyfriend with whom I would have huge fights about gifts. He claimed that he did not give them because a former girlfriend had criticized one. For my birthday he bought me a dictionary, the most unromantic gift imaginable (not antique, no special provenance or anything). I knew at 24 that I did not want to live my life with a financially comfortable partner who was emotionally stingy. It was a dealbreaker for me. Women who don't like flowers, jewelry, etc. are free to turn them down. But please don't preach to the rest of us that we need to be just like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a boyfriend with whom I would have huge fights about gifts. He claimed that he did not give them because a former girlfriend had criticized one. For my birthday he bought me a dictionary, the most unromantic gift imaginable (not antique, no special provenance or anything). I knew at 24 that I did not want to live my life with a financially comfortable partner who was emotionally stingy. It was a dealbreaker for me. Women who don't like flowers, jewelry, etc. are free to turn them down. But please don't preach to the rest of us that we need to be just like you.

Hey - I LOVE flowers, jewelry and all the rest. But you know what? I don't throw a hissy fit in front of my young children when I don't get the exact presents I want. I smile and say thank you. You want to know why? Because my marriage isn't about gifts. It is about respect, love, tolerance and understanding (among many other things).

I think a LOT of us here think it is just plain sad to get so worked up over a birthday gift. It comes across as completely materialistic and self-absorbed. As did your post...

[Anonymous]

to 14:40: equating emotional stinginess with simple gift giving? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Gifts are like sex and oxygen. No big deal until you don't have them. If these things are so unimportant then why do some men so stalwartly refuse to give them when it's so easy to do?

Two years ago my father asked me what DH and I were doing for my birthday.

I said, "Nothing."

He said, "I can't believe that! Didn't you once tell me that you would break it off with any man who didn't celebrate your birthday?"

"Yes," I said. "But my husband has given me plenty of gifts. His willingness to please me is well-established. So there's no need for him to do it again on every holiday."

Some men are not willing to please their partners. That's the real problem, not the gifts. And that is why I can understand a woman in that situation being very upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:to 14:40: equating emotional stinginess with simple gift giving? Wow.

Let's try another metaphor. Let's say I like to have my ------- caressed during foreplay. Let's say also that my boyfriend won't do it. Is n- caressing prohibited in his religion? Are his fingers broken? Is he afraid of -'s? Whatever the issue is, I need to know why he refuses to put forth that effort to make me happy. If he has a valid reason, okay. But if he is withholding this for no valid reason then the issue is just his emotional stinginess. It's not about the money.

[Anonymous]

So because OP made the grave mistake of detailing the types of gifts that WOULD please her (as opposed to the thoughtless gift her DH ended up giving her that did not) and since she said things like candles shaped like flip flops, you can't read the rest of her note?

Without goiing back through the OP's post line by line, I seem to remember her husband bitching at her on the phone, complaining to HER that her cake was not going to be done and how much of a pain in the ass it was to deal with it (because he tried ordering it the day before) and then sort of acting put out that he is asked to buy gifts for the children for their mom's birthday. So all of you call OP a complete whiny, controlling, bitch without knowing the background about why DH is being sent out to the store. So OK, you are assuming that he is being sent to the store because she has to hypercontrol him and not because she has had issues in the past where he has dropped the ball. Fact is, we don't know that either scenario is true, so why assume? What she has said is that he hasn't put in the effort. It seems like she can comfortably buy herself what she wants and it's not like she's asking for a platinum tennis bracelet dripping with diamonds. She simply wants sterling silver and she's not pissed that her husband got her something cheap, she's pissed that after how many years of marriage, her husband doesn't "get" her. This is not such a bad thing. I'm sure OP is probably over this by now, but what's so curious to me is why so many of you jump to conclusions and take the man's side. Even if OP is controlling, did you read nothing in her original post that might make you think the husband acted like a shit, too? Just wonder why some of the women on this board seem always to play devil's advocate or to take up for the invisible husband or mother in law or whoever else is being complained about. It's not like you heard the whole story, so why be so nasty to a stranger? Anyway, I'm glad OP is laughing at most of you -- your advice sucks.

[Anonymous]

"Anyway, I'm glad OP is laughing at most of you -- your advice sucks."


OP sucks more.

[Anonymous]

Gifts are like sex and oxygen. No big deal until you don't have them. If these things are so unimportant then why do some men so stalwartly refuse to give them when it's so easy to do?

I am still baffled why more of you don't get this very simple point. Her husband is emotionally stingy, and birthdays are just a reminder in a more acute way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So because OP made the grave mistake of detailing the types of gifts that WOULD please her (as opposed to the thoughtless gift her DH ended up giving her that did not) and since she said things like candles shaped like flip flops, you can't read the rest of her note?

Without goiing back through the OP's post line by line, I seem to remember her husband bitching at her on the phone, complaining to HER that her cake was not going to be done and how much of a pain in the ass it was to deal with it (because he tried ordering it the day before) and then sort of acting put out that he is asked to buy gifts for the children for their mom's birthday. So all of you call OP a complete whiny, controlling, bitch without knowing the background about why DH is being sent out to the store. So OK, you are assuming that he is being sent to the store because she has to hypercontrol him and not because she has had issues in the past where he has dropped the ball. Fact is, we don't know that either scenario is true, so why assume? What she has said is that he hasn't put in the effort. It seems like she can comfortably buy herself what she wants and it's not like she's asking for a platinum tennis bracelet dripping with diamonds. She simply wants sterling silver and she's not pissed that her husband got her something cheap, she's pissed that after how many years of marriage, her husband doesn't "get" her. This is not such a bad thing. I'm sure OP is probably over this by now, but what's so curious to me is why so many of you jump to conclusions and take the man's side. Even if OP is controlling, did you read nothing in her original post that might make you think the husband acted like a shit, too? Just wonder why some of the women on this board seem always to play devil's advocate or to take up for the invisible husband or mother in law or whoever else is being complained about. It's not like you heard the whole story, so why be so nasty to a stranger? Anyway, I'm glad OP is laughing at most of you -- your advice sucks.

Written word is subject to interpretation and the way OP wrote her post I did not take away any of the points you make about the husband. She did not say complain or bitch and he sounded actually like a decent guy for dealing with her tantrums and demands. I can see your opinion on what OP wrote and how you come to it, but based on her subsequent posts I have to disagree she is not part of the issue here. And really, after 12 years if she knows him so well she should deal a little better and plan farther in advance if it is THAT important to her.

[Anonymous]

I'm a new poster and feel for OP -- it sucks if you feel like no one wants to celebrate you. And I don't buy into the notion that you can never let your kids see that you are disappointed -- it reinforces a lesson that anything is better than nothing, when I think we should be teaching kids that it is the thought that counts (and yes, I mean that -- it doesn't have to be expensive, it just needs to be thoughtful). I'm tired of feeling like I can't express my disappointment because I might hurt my husband's feelings -- why are his more important than mine? Seems to me like faking an orgasm -- why let thim think he's doing it right?

My husband gives crappy gifts and puts little or no effort into my birthday or holidays and even after 8 years together seems to think that if he just hangs on doing it his eay, I'll just give up and get over wanting to celebrate or expecting that he put a little thought into a gift for me. So, for example, for the birthday that happened while I was pregnant he asked me what I wanted and I said that I didn't care, but I didn't want anything pregnancy or kid-related. I got What to Expect the First Year and some other parenting book. He's done similar things for other events, too.

OP, I wish I could tell you that it might change, but I suspect it won't. Maybe if you tried suggesting events instead of gifts? So that you're doing something to celebrate even if he won't put in the effort?

[Anonymous]

I really think you guys need counseling, or something. You both are very passive-aggressive toward each other and that is a recipe for a failed marriage. You accused him of being passive aggressive in your post, and then you liked the Tiffany suggestion because it would piss him off.

I don't even think this way, probably because like another poster said, DH and I both earn the almost the same amount of $$ so when I treat myself, I don't feel guilty, nor does it piss my husband off.

You guys need to work through issues that go way beyond this birthday. I'm sorry you had a crappy birthday though.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I think quite of few of us need counseling. What is it about this forum that makes us just attack someone mercilessly because she expressed anger at her husband? If this forum were not anonymous, if what you said were attributable to you, and your husbands and friends and co-workers knew what you were writing, I can't imagine all this vitriol would be pouring out of you. Who is not flawed in this world?

OP, Happy Birthday. Cheer up. Life is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a new poster and feel for OP -- it sucks if you feel like no one wants to celebrate you. And I don't buy into the notion that you can never let your kids see that you are disappointed -- it reinforces a lesson that anything is better than nothing, when I think we should be teaching kids that it is the thought that counts (and yes, I mean that -- it doesn't have to be expensive, it just needs to be thoughtful). I'm tired of feeling like I can't express my disappointment because I might hurt my husband's feelings -- why are his more important than mine? Seems to me like faking an orgasm -- why let thim think he's doing it right?

My husband gives crappy gifts and puts little or no effort into my birthday or holidays and even after 8 years together seems to think that if he just hangs on doing it his eay, I'll just give up and get over wanting to celebrate or expecting that he put a little thought into a gift for me. So, for example, for the birthday that happened while I was pregnant he asked me what I wanted and I said that I didn't care, but I didn't want anything pregnancy or kid-related. I got What to Expect the First Year and some other parenting book. He's done similar things for other events, too.

OP, I wish I could tell you that it might change, but I suspect it won't. Maybe if you tried suggesting events instead of gifts? So that you're doing something to celebrate even if he won't put in the effort?

Hello? Kids don't understand the difference between thoughtful gifts and just plain gifts when it comes to adults. One of my earliest memories is of my Mom ruining Christmas for the entire family because she didn't like the gifts my father bought her. I felt terrible for Dad because I think he really did try and I thought my Mom behaved like a selfish, petty child. Fast forward 30 years and my observations were pretty much spot on with regard to their relationship.

Anyway, I do agree with one of the other posters about how the gift issue goes deeper. If you are with a guy who is respectful and giving everyday, holidays and birthdays take on less meaning. My guy is a terrible gift giver but he treats me really well, is very generous and I don't feel like I need a gift to prove his feelings for me. However, if you are with someone who is cheap, emotionally cold or disrespectful, I think you always look to birthdays, Valentine's Day and holidays for him to prove that he really does care. You look for him to finally make an effort because he has a reason to.

[Anonymous]

I think you always look to birthdays, Valentine's Day and holidays for him to prove that he really does care. You look for him to finally make an effort because he has a reason to.

or it reinforces those terrible feelings of being unappreciated and taken for granted.