DH is never getting out of the doghouse for this...

[Anonymous]

I agree that men are just clueless sometimes! I can't imagine my husband productively shopping for a gift for me with a couple kids in tow right as the store is about to close.

FWIW, DH lost my Mother's Day gift this year! He claims he hid it too well and then couldn't find it. I was a little disappointed, but the gift eventually showed up and I don't like making a huge deal of these things.

The important thing is that he supports me and helps me out on a day-to-day basis and is there for me when I need him. Everyone is different though and I'm sorry you were let down!

Maybe your family can reevaluate the meaning of birthdays and come up with a way that you can universally celebrate each person's birthday? Personally, I would rather not have cake than to have to plan all that out myself for my own birthday. I agree that in this situation you are sort of setting yourself up for disappointment. This is also why some families end up doing Secret Santa for the holidays, less pressure and clear guidelines.

[Anonymous]

Interesting-you sent your DH to the store where you wanted your gift bought, gave him a credit and he still couldn't fetch? Is this your sixth birthday? Not the big party you envisioned? It just fascinates me that we have all this hoopla over Prop 8 and same sex marriages, yet no one has a problem with two pussies being married as long as one's a woman and one's a man. And by the way, why do you have a doghouse if you don't own a dog? I hope next year you get a princess cake, new dress up clothes and a pair of glass slippers.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the responses. It's absolutely correct that the crummy gift was the last straw. And the issue here is paying attention, not the gift itself. I felt so neglected, ignored by his lack of attention to my birthday. I feel that way often, but on my birthday I expected he'd step up and make an effort.

I like the suggestion about getting myself something nice from Tiffany's. I'm looking at their online catalog now. A little bauble might cheer me up, and it would piss off DH a little too.

I've been trying to figure this out. It seems very strange because DH has done birthdays OK in the past (not always). I'm beginning to think DH was being passive aggressive because he resents my making such a big deal about birthdays. And I agree it's likely he wasn't too happy about buying gifts for me in a girly store with the kids (he hates those frou frou chick stores). If I ask him, he'll deny it, but that's my theory.

I think I'll suggest he order me something from Tiffany's next year (can't really go wrong there, and if he does, I'll return it) and tell him to get me flowers at the supermarket. He can have the kids make cards, and that's it.

BTW, I returned the candles and ugly necklace this afternoon and bought myself a nice necklace and a few other things instead. The store has tons of nice stuff that appeal to me, including candles shaped like flowers and lots of fish stuff. He knows I LOVE anything with a fish on it. What's with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night he took the kids out to a store I'd picked out (full of nice girly stuff, stationery, cards, jewelery, kitschy gifts, hand-painted ceramics, soaps, you know the drill). It was my birthday, and I stayed home making my own birthday cake. He was supposed to make the cake, but said he didn't have time, so I did it. He tried to order one from my favorite bakery, but the bakery needed 48 hours to make a cake, but he didn't call until Tuesday (it was closed on Monday for Memorial Day). He was annoyed by this, and didn't try to get a cake from another bakery.

So, at 6:30, I called him at the store and told him I was going to pick up the food for dinner (I had to order it from a restaurant I'd picked out, and pick it up). He sounded really annoyed, and said "I'm going as fast as I can!" He had the kids with him, and the store supposedly closed at 6 p.m. (I'd already checked this out for him when I previewed the store earlier in the day).

I had given him a credit I had from the store, so he didn't have to spend any money. All he had to do was help the kids select a gift for me. I thought they'd enjoy that. The store is full of things I like, little cute items like gardening gloves with bows, flip flops with flowers, little bags, earrings, bowls, pens, note-pads, all sorts of stuff that's not expensive, but cute and fun.

So, after much fanfare, and the kids wrapping the gifts, what did he present me with: Candles. No, not cute little votives in adorable containers, or lovely romantic scented candles for the bathroom or bedroom. No. He bought tapers, the kind we use on our dining table. The kind I have tons of in a cabinet in the dining room. The kind I just bought a packet of at a store last week that was sitting on the kitchen counter for a few days before I put them away when I was cleaning up for my birthday.

And a really ugly fake-silver necklace. I only wear sterling silver jewelery. He knows this. We've been married for 12 years. How is it that after 12 years of marriage, he doesn't know me well enough to buy something for me that I would actually like? At a store I picked out? Why must I plan and manage my own birthday? I love birthdays. I make a big deal out of everyone's birthday, including DH's. Doesn't he know me?

I started crying at the table, right in front of the kids. After eating the cake, I went out to a nearby store and bought myself some earrings with a gift card my mother-in-law had sent me. I did not feel better. I felt worse.

As it said in that JC Penny ad, "I'm married to you?" Today, I still can't believe it.

You really sound like a micro-managing mess who is rather selfish. It's a birthday, get over it. It's like Valentine's Day. It is just another day. They love you EVERY day. Are you really that kooky that you would make it so much about you and how you wanted it done and what they didnt get you and what you wanted and where you sent him and what you like and how you had to do this this and that? Maybe you set THEM up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night he took the kids out to a store I'd picked out (full of nice girly stuff, stationery, cards, jewelery, kitschy gifts, hand-painted ceramics, soaps, you know the drill). It was my birthday, and I stayed home making my own birthday cake. He was supposed to make the cake, but said he didn't have time, so I did it. He tried to order one from my favorite bakery, but the bakery needed 48 hours to make a cake, but he didn't call until Tuesday (it was closed on Monday for Memorial Day). He was annoyed by this, and didn't try to get a cake from another bakery.

So, at 6:30, I called him at the store and told him I was going to pick up the food for dinner (I had to order it from a restaurant I'd picked out, and pick it up). He sounded really annoyed, and said "I'm going as fast as I can!" He had the kids with him, and the store supposedly closed at 6 p.m. (I'd already checked this out for him when I previewed the store earlier in the day).

I had given him a credit I had from the store, so he didn't have to spend any money. All he had to do was help the kids select a gift for me. I thought they'd enjoy that. The store is full of things I like, little cute items like gardening gloves with bows, flip flops with flowers, little bags, earrings, bowls, pens, note-pads, all sorts of stuff that's not expensive, but cute and fun.

So, after much fanfare, and the kids wrapping the gifts, what did he present me with: Candles. No, not cute little votives in adorable containers, or lovely romantic scented candles for the bathroom or bedroom. No. He bought tapers, the kind we use on our dining table. The kind I have tons of in a cabinet in the dining room. The kind I just bought a packet of at a store last week that was sitting on the kitchen counter for a few days before I put them away when I was cleaning up for my birthday.

And a really ugly fake-silver necklace. I only wear sterling silver jewelery. He knows this. We've been married for 12 years. How is it that after 12 years of marriage, he doesn't know me well enough to buy something for me that I would actually like? At a store I picked out? Why must I plan and manage my own birthday? I love birthdays. I make a big deal out of everyone's birthday, including DH's. Doesn't he know me?

I started crying at the table, right in front of the kids. After eating the cake, I went out to a nearby store and bought myself some earrings with a gift card my mother-in-law had sent me. I did not feel better. I felt worse.

As it said in that JC Penny ad, "I'm married to you?" Today, I still can't believe it.

You really sound like a micro-managing mess who is rather selfish. It's a birthday, get over it. It's like Valentine's Day. It is just another day. They love you EVERY day. Are you really that kooky that you would make it so much about you and how you wanted it done and what they didnt get you and what you wanted and where you sent him and what you like and how you had to do this this and that? Maybe you set THEM up to fail.

Shut up! OP, realizes that her family loves her. So what she went a little nutty because she wanted her family to give her a nice birthday. Cut her some slack. Sheesh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night he took the kids out to a store I'd picked out (full of nice girly stuff, stationery, cards, jewelery, kitschy gifts, hand-painted ceramics, soaps, you know the drill). It was my birthday, and I stayed home making my own birthday cake. He was supposed to make the cake, but said he didn't have time, so I did it. He tried to order one from my favorite bakery, but the bakery needed 48 hours to make a cake, but he didn't call until Tuesday (it was closed on Monday for Memorial Day). He was annoyed by this, and didn't try to get a cake from another bakery.

So, at 6:30, I called him at the store and told him I was going to pick up the food for dinner (I had to order it from a restaurant I'd picked out, and pick it up). He sounded really annoyed, and said "I'm going as fast as I can!" He had the kids with him, and the store supposedly closed at 6 p.m. (I'd already checked this out for him when I previewed the store earlier in the day).

I had given him a credit I had from the store, so he didn't have to spend any money. All he had to do was help the kids select a gift for me. I thought they'd enjoy that. The store is full of things I like, little cute items like gardening gloves with bows, flip flops with flowers, little bags, earrings, bowls, pens, note-pads, all sorts of stuff that's not expensive, but cute and fun.

So, after much fanfare, and the kids wrapping the gifts, what did he present me with: Candles. No, not cute little votives in adorable containers, or lovely romantic scented candles for the bathroom or bedroom. No. He bought tapers, the kind we use on our dining table. The kind I have tons of in a cabinet in the dining room. The kind I just bought a packet of at a store last week that was sitting on the kitchen counter for a few days before I put them away when I was cleaning up for my birthday.

And a really ugly fake-silver necklace. I only wear sterling silver jewelery. He knows this. We've been married for 12 years. How is it that after 12 years of marriage, he doesn't know me well enough to buy something for me that I would actually like? At a store I picked out? Why must I plan and manage my own birthday? I love birthdays. I make a big deal out of everyone's birthday, including DH's. Doesn't he know me?

I started crying at the table, right in front of the kids. After eating the cake, I went out to a nearby store and bought myself some earrings with a gift card my mother-in-law had sent me. I did not feel better. I felt worse.

As it said in that JC Penny ad, "I'm married to you?" Today, I still can't believe it.

You really sound like a micro-managing mess who is rather selfish. It's a birthday, get over it. It's like Valentine's Day. It is just another day. They love you EVERY day. Are you really that kooky that you would make it so much about you and how you wanted it done and what they didnt get you and what you wanted and where you sent him and what you like and how you had to do this this and that? Maybe you set THEM up to fail.

He's also been married to her for 12 years. He knows - he must know - by now that she's crazy about her birthday. For better or worse. There are some things my husband enjoys that I think are stupid, frankly, but I love him so I indulge him from time to time. Once a year he can put himself out to give her a nice birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses. It's absolutely correct that the crummy gift was the last straw. And the issue here is paying attention, not the gift itself. I felt so neglected, ignored by his lack of attention to my birthday. I feel that way often, but on my birthday I expected he'd step up and make an effort.

I'm sorry you felt neglected. Have to say that with each email, you seem like a tougher customer to please than the last.
Maybe he was making an effort but he just doesn't have the knack for party planning?

Anonymous wrote:
I like the suggestion about getting myself something nice from Tiffany's. I'm looking at their online catalog now. A little bauble might cheer me up, and it would piss off DH a little too.

I've been trying to figure this out. It seems very strange because DH has done birthdays OK in the past (not always). I'm beginning to think DH was being passive aggressive because he resents my making such a big deal about birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses. It's absolutely correct that the crummy gift was the last straw. And the issue here is paying attention, not the gift itself. I felt so neglected, ignored by his lack of attention to my birthday. I feel that way often, but on my birthday I expected he'd step up and make an effort.

I like the suggestion about getting myself something nice from Tiffany's. I'm looking at their online catalog now. A little bauble might cheer me up[b], and [b]it would piss off DH a little too.

I've been trying to figure this out. It seems very strange because DH has done birthdays OK in the past (not always). I'm beginning to think DH was being passive aggressive because he resents my making such a big deal about birthdays. And I agree it's likely he wasn't too happy about buying gifts for me in a girly store with the kids (he hates those frou frou chick stores). If I ask him, he'll deny it, but that's my theory.
quote]

I'd worry less about your husband for the moment and focus in on yourself. You say the issue is his paying attention, not the gift. But instead of talking to him about how you feel (ignored/unappreciated) it you're focused on buying yourself more gifts? What part of that makes sense to you??

And while we're at it, you say you think he's being passive aggressive. But look at what you just wrote -- you're thinking about spending money at Tiffany's in part to piss him off. Crazy.

I agree that this is not about the birthday. And it's not about the gifts. It's about you refusing to communicate directly with your husband and then playing the victim -- first when you don't get what you want and again when you provoke him with some passive-aggressive action of your own.

My advice: stop obsessing about the gifts and the cake and just tell your husband how you feel (neglected and ignored). In fact, if you were to focus more on that -- writing out your feelings rather than listing off his failures as a husband -- my guess is you would be surprised by how much sadness and pain is there. As difficult as it is, that's the part you need to share with your husband in order to get past this together. Everything else is smokescreen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, OP. I think I would have cried too.

I think you make things too easy on your spouse. You do all the arranging for him. Let him sweat. Let him screw up. Let him deal with the natural consequences of his acts. Don't arrange, don't give him store credits, don't bake your own cakes and pick up your own birthday dinners. Plenty of places to buy a delicious cake the day of the birthday. Ditto a birthday dinner. Ditto a present. Tiffany's is open, right? My spouse leaves things until the last minute too. But I don't arrange for him. I just let him do it. Somehow he always gets it done. Some years are better than others, but I always get something. Don't be his mother, be his wife.

Amen, amen, amen!

[Anonymous]

you send a man to a cute store with kids and you expect them to get something you'll love?
your expectations are just to high. sorry.
I feel sorry for you, and if you really wanted to micromanage your birthday you should have sent him alone to a jewelry store. man cannot multitask. I can't imagine what this poor man went through with kids in such a cute store. man hate shopping anyway. if you want him to buy something you like tell him EXACTLY what you want. if you give them the option you're asking for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, You cannot change him. Like you said, if you scale it back for his birthday he just will not care. Instead, MAKE HIM PAY! Tell him you finally understand he is not a holiday person and that you will handle everything so the kids can learn how thoughtful people do it (of course, not letting them know you did everything). Say that from now on you will buy the food, decorations, and your own gift. But instead of a $30 sterling silver necklace from TJ Maxx you will treat yourself to the silver or gold trinket of your choice from Tiffany's. Your kids will think DH is generous but he will be miserable about having to spend that kind of money on your birthday every year because of the Selfishness Tax. You won't be perfectly happy but at least you'll get nice jewelry out of it.

What are we, call girls??

[Anonymous]

I have dealt with this for years - DH hates shopping, hates gifts, and hates b-days - while I am the opposite.

We have had this conversation over and over again and this is what we have come up with - after I lost it a few times. There are times I need to compromise and learn to live with his expectations.....but in return he can and should try to meet with mine. BUT - I need to point out those times - he can rarely figure it out on his own...great husband and father in other ways - but emotional intelligence is not his strong suit.

For birthdays, I usually will see what he comes up with but agree with other posters - treat yourself if you like to celebrate this day - and don't expect others to do it for you.

If it makes you feel better to hear of other gift / celebration disasters. First, post 2nd Anniversary, he wrote me a letter, which I thought at first was heartening only to read it and and realize it itemized all the things I did wrong and had to change to make our marriage work! I did not come home that night......Then again on my first Mother's Day...after I had a late pregnancy loss my first pregnancy and suffered through the previous Mother's Day. He had nothing, NOTHING planned, no gift and spent the entire day giving DC to other people to hold - constantly! We were at a work conference of his out of town also visiting w/ friends/family (his first suggestion, mind you, was that he would take DC to stay with family, and I would stay home!) but when during church our friend recieved all the congratulations b/c she was holding DC the whole time I almost lost it right there! While in the scheme of things small potatoes, sometimes the lack of sensitivity is difficult to bear, none the less.

Still love hime most days...usually just not days like Christmas, B-days, Mother's Day etc!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You cannot change him. Like you said, if you scale it back for his birthday he just will not care. Instead, MAKE HIM PAY! Tell him you finally understand he is not a holiday person and that you will handle everything so the kids can learn how thoughtful people do it (of course, not letting them know you did everything). Say that from now on you will buy the food, decorations, and your own gift. But instead of a $30 sterling silver necklace from TJ Maxx you will treat yourself to the silver or gold trinket of your choice from Tiffany's. Your kids will think DH is generous but he will be miserable about having to spend that kind of money on your birthday every year because of the Selfishness Tax. You won't be perfectly happy but at least you'll get nice jewelry out of it.

What are we, call girls??

I'm the Tiffany Gift Suggester. We're not call girls but marriage is about give and take. Otherwise, why aren't smart professional D.C. women lining up to date the handsome homeless guy who just might have a heart of gold? If I were Silda Wall Spitzer and decided to stay with the Mayor of Cheatville he would need to get me at least a 3-carat ring. Nothing can erase the humiliation just like nothing can take away the disappointment of a ruined birthday but for women who like jewelry can at least enjoy that. And inflicting pain and discomfort on your partner is almost as important. There are penalties and consequences in every other area of life. Why not marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP - I do feel for you. It sounds like you are not micro-managing, but instead explaining that you HAD to plan everything yourself in order for it to get done. My DH is not good with birthdays (in fact, I got no present at all this year), and I have learned to lower my expectations and to ask for things that are very easy. For example, I get to sleep in. This is HUGE to me and there is no way for my DH to not do it (as in, he can't forget to pick it up). My DH does make dinner, but I'll admit, it's often something he likes to eat.

But my DH did help my son do nice things for me - make me a card and make me cupcakes. That was really nice. I think it helped to put the focus on what my DH could help my son do.

So if your kids picked out the candles and necklace, you should appreciate them for what they are - gifts from kids. I know I must have given my mom some really awful gifts (bright red lipstick and cheap perfume come to mind) and I still remember her putting them on immediately.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the poster who are telling you that you are micro-managing and whiny.

My DH and I are in therapy right now. My DH didn't think I did "enough" for his birthday: I made a banner with the kids, and spent 2 hours baking a very complicated cake. This is more than he does for me on my birthdays. I used to make a much bigger deal out of his birthdays but I didn't feel he appreciated that (no reciprocity). So I stopped. I "ruined" his birthday by not going all out. And our therapist agreed with him!

My point? You are entitled to the birthday you want. And he should give it to you. So tell him exactly what your expectations are (without doing the work for him).