DH is never getting out of the doghouse for this...

[Anonymous]

How involved were the kids in the decision-making? I mean, if your kids wanted to buy you taper candles and jewelry you didn't like, would that be OK?

[Anonymous]

No, no, no, I think you posters who think she should lower her expectations have it backwards. Her husband should meet her expectations. OP, I hope this helps you. I was only the girlfriend when this issue first came up between my then boyfriend (now husband) and me. My husband and I are both musicians. For the first birthday that we were together, I bought him a bunch of little things and a few bigger things, all very thoughtful. I threw a party for him a few days before his birthday as he was on tour and his band was making a stop through town a weekend before his birthday. I baked him cupcakes that would remind him of home, and made a huge deal out of it. He was really pleased. Yet, on my birthday, he was really busy, distracted, and his parents ended up coming into town. We had dinner out on my birthday with his whole family, but he'd clearly not bought me any presents. The next afternoon he went out to the mall and was clearly doing last minute shopping. He came home with a few things that I certainly liked, but it was just obvious that he hadn't put much thought into it. So it's not the material thing I cared about, it was the lack of effort. (truly the thought that counts, which is I think why you are upset with the gifts you got -- not because you really wanted something "perfect"). In my case, I didn't say anything at first because it felt weird to say "you didn't make a big deal out of my birthday." I felt juvenile for caring so much. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like it was better to just be honest, even if it sounded stupid, so I did. I told him a few weeks later that I loved the presents he bought me, and loved him, and realized how busy and stressed he was around my birthday, but that I felt a little bit like he treated my birthday like an afterthought. I told him how important birthdays were to me, and how it's the one day out of the year that people celebrate another person -- everyone deserves this, and everyone deserves for the day to be special. He was immediately sorry. We have been together for years since, and I can honestly say he's never disappointed me on another birthday again.

So my advice is that absolutely, you were right to be sad, and deserved to have your cry. So take some time to get over the worst of your feelings, then have an honest discussion with him. Don't attack, just tell him it's important. Some men (and some women -- it's not just a guy thing!) are not as thoughtful as we'd like, and being a thoughtful gift giver and person-celebrater is not innate to some people. Remind him that it means a lot to you, and hopefully he will step up next year.

I also do agree with the poster who told you that you shouldn't be making your own birthday cake and things like that. It sounds like you resent having to do it (fair enough) so much that its not worth the bother. Next year, gently remind him before your birthday that it's coming up, and that you hope he'll plan something special just for you. There's no shame in saying that -- you deserve it!

BTW, Happy belated birthday! I hope you will have a good day soon to make up for the crappy birthday you had.

[Anonymous]

The kids did NOT pick out the gifts. He picked them out. And we've had the conversation about birthdays. He knows how much effort I put into everyone's birthday. I don't expect him to make half as much effort as I do, but I do expect him to understand how I feel about my birthday. I want him to think that it's worth making a reasonable effort not to hurt my feelings. What effort do I think is reasonable? Two phone calls for dinner and a cake, for a start, and a gift I would like. Sterling silver earrings cost, what $20 or $30

All he has to do is look around our bedroom to see the kinds of things I like. This shouldn't be a mystery. Buying candles is about the same thing as buying me a pair of panty hose or a roll of paper towels. If DH had half a brain, he would have tried to think about what I like. I think he just grabbed something that seemed like a sure thing -- ya, she likes candles, here are some, let's get outta here.

I am probably over reacting, but still, I'm upset. DH got mad at me for complaining because he said he made an effort and tried to get me something I liked. I didn't mind making the cake, but DH didn't even get me flowers at the supermarket, or cut a bunch from my garden. He got me a balloon, though, which the kids did pick out.

His birthday isn't for months. And he's not a big birthday person, so it won't matter if I do nothing for his (although it will matter to the kids). Can't think how to get through to him about why this upset me so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids did NOT pick out the gifts. He picked them out. And we've had the conversation about birthdays. He knows how much effort I put into everyone's birthday. I don't expect him to make half as much effort as I do, but I do expect him to understand how I feel about my birthday. I want him to think that it's worth making a reasonable effort not to hurt my feelings. What effort do I think is reasonable? Two phone calls for dinner and a cake, for a start, and a gift I would like. Sterling silver earrings cost, what $20 or $30

All he has to do is look around our bedroom to see the kinds of things I like. This shouldn't be a mystery. Buying candles is about the same thing as buying me a pair of panty hose or a roll of paper towels. If DH had half a brain, he would have tried to think about what I like. I think he just grabbed something that seemed like a sure thing -- ya, she likes candles, here are some, let's get outta here.

I am probably over reacting, but still, I'm upset. DH got mad at me for complaining because he said he made an effort and tried to get me something I liked. I didn't mind making the cake, but DH didn't even get me flowers at the supermarket, or cut a bunch from my garden. He got me a balloon, though, which the kids did pick out.

His birthday isn't for months. And he's not a big birthday person, so it won't matter if I do nothing for his (although it will matter to the kids). Can't think how to get through to him about why this upset me so much.

Ya think? I was on board until this post - now, frankly, you seem a little whiny.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you micromanaged this and took on too many tasks for yourself. It sounds like you also wanted a special dinner and a present. So here's what you do to get that:

"Honey, for my birthday, I want a special dinner and a present from you and the kids."

If he didn't give you a dinner and a present after that, he deserves the dog house. But what you did was agree to arrange the dinner and then feel pissed that you were home doing it while they were still out, and you also told him where to shop and to do it on your birthday when you were waiting and give him the impression that whatever they got at the store would be good by you.

So you were alone and dealing with the food order because you agreed to be, and you got something from the store you asked for, but not the thing that you wanted. If you actually wanted something special and not just anything from the store, then take the next micromanaging step and say "I want an X from that store." Or better yet, tell the sales staff five things you'd like.

I'm sorry that you didn't get what you wanted. Next time, instead of doing lots of work to orchestrate what you want, just ask and then step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids did NOT pick out the gifts. He picked them out. And we've had the conversation about birthdays. He knows how much effort I put into everyone's birthday. I don't expect him to make half as much effort as I do, but I do expect him to understand how I feel about my birthday. I want him to think that it's worth making a reasonable effort not to hurt my feelings. What effort do I think is reasonable? Two phone calls for dinner and a cake, for a start, and a gift I would like. Sterling silver earrings cost, what $20 or $30

All he has to do is look around our bedroom to see the kinds of things I like. This shouldn't be a mystery. Buying candles is about the same thing as buying me a pair of panty hose or a roll of paper towels. If DH had half a brain, he would have tried to think about what I like. I think he just grabbed something that seemed like a sure thing -- ya, she likes candles, here are some, let's get outta here.

I am probably over reacting, but still, I'm upset. DH got mad at me for complaining because he said he made an effort and tried to get me something I liked. I didn't mind making the cake, but DH didn't even get me flowers at the supermarket, or cut a bunch from my garden. He got me a balloon, though, which the kids did pick out.

His birthday isn't for months. And he's not a big birthday person, so it won't matter if I do nothing for his (although it will matter to the kids). Can't think how to get through to him about why this upset me so much.

It may be too late for this, but please don't make your kids view birthdays like you do. You're just setting their future spouses up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids did NOT pick out the gifts. He picked them out. And we've had the conversation about birthdays. He knows how much effort I put into everyone's birthday. I don't expect him to make half as much effort as I do, but I do expect him to understand how I feel about my birthday. I want him to think that it's worth making a reasonable effort not to hurt my feelings. What effort do I think is reasonable? Two phone calls for dinner and a cake, for a start, and a gift I would like. Sterling silver earrings cost, what $20 or $30

All he has to do is look around our bedroom to see the kinds of things I like. This shouldn't be a mystery. Buying candles is about the same thing as buying me a pair of panty hose or a roll of paper towels. If DH had half a brain, he would have tried to think about what I like. I think he just grabbed something that seemed like a sure thing -- ya, she likes candles, here are some, let's get outta here.

I am probably over reacting, but still, I'm upset. DH got mad at me for complaining because he said he made an effort and tried to get me something I liked. I didn't mind making the cake, but DH didn't even get me flowers at the supermarket, or cut a bunch from my garden. He got me a balloon, though, which the kids did pick out.

His birthday isn't for months. And he's not a big birthday person, so it won't matter if I do nothing for his (although it will matter to the kids). Can't think how to get through to him about why this upset me so much.

It may be too late for this, but please don't make your kids view birthdays like you do. You're just setting their future spouses up for failure.

Not if they marry someone like me, who ENJOYS pouring it on for those I love. I have had relationships with people who reciprocated, too, so it's not that weird or impossible or whiny to expect to be treated in a special way on a birthday. (I've also had to take care of my own birthdays as a single mom and I don't mind that, either.)

[Anonymous]

OP, grow up! You've been married for 12 years to this man. Why would you think that this birthday would have been any different from last years or the year before? Was this a milestone birthday or something?

Next year, don't allow this dsappointment to happen to you again. Order your cake, buy yourself something extra special and purchase some gift cards at your favorite stores and take the kids shopping while you look elsewhere while they choose your gift.

If Hubby wants to buy you a vacuum or something that you'll hate make sure that he keeps the receipt so that the next morning you can buy yourself something that you will love. Take control of your birthday happiness. I'm a big birthday lover, too. I celebrate me on my birthday eve and birthday.

Happy Birthday to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like the gifts were sort of the last straw. OP, perhaps after the disappointment (that you maybe didn't aknowledge initially?) of having to do your cake, arrange dinner, etc. you were really hoping DH could redeem himself with a present. And when they were subpar, everything else came crashing down, thus the tears? It's hard to be the one who puts a lot of thought into eveyone else, and have so little recipricated. But you also should tey to understand what you're doing to enable DH to be like this.

I'm not sure if you've ever looked at the Enneagram before, but from your short description it sounds like you'd be a 2, which is considered the 'helper'. Here's a link that may give you some more info: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeTwo.asp. I like this personality test because it helps you understand strengths and weaknesses of the personality types.

As a side note, I have a very dear friend who sounds like you. She is super thoughtful and caring, classic helper (a nurse), and gives and gives to all those around her, especially good friends. Birthdays are really important to her, and she always organizes parties and get togethers where the guest of honor feels really important. But, she also wants all of this caring to be recipricated in the way that she gives to others, and when people aren't able to give or show affection the same way she does, she gets extremely hurt. Now maybe I'm just overanalyzing your situation and this is an isolated incident, but if not I think the above info may help shed light onto why you feel disappointed in what DH does (or rather, doesn't do).

[Anonymous]

after hearing and witnessing stories like this OVER and OVER for my entire life, i think i can safely say: most men are clueless, selfish jerks. i, for one, am just so damn sick of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are way too high. You want things to be done your way, and get disappointed when that doesn't happen. I get it, I can be that way, too. But by making your own bday cake and picking up your own birthday dinner and instructing your family where to shop you have set your expectations for a birthday the way you would do it for someone else. And I'm sure you do a fabulous job. But by trying to create the same thing for yourself you've made yourself bitter and set yourself up for disappointment. I guarantee that your husband would not do things the same way for your birthday as you would. But you need to put away the yardstick of how you would do things and let him plan his own birthday celebration. And try to appreciate it for what it is. And if it makes you feel better, plan for an afternoon sometime the weekend after your birthday where you will celebrate as you would like to celebrate - not the cake and present and whatever, but an outing or purchase that is just for you. I'm sorry that your birthday was disappointing, I really am. But if you keep doing things the way you are you will always be disappointed because it will never be exactly as you want.

OP, I read your posts and it sounds like you have a very specific vision of how you want your birthday to go. I think the above poster has some good insight.

My suggestion would be to reflect on whether you are willing/able to let go of your birthday vision or not--be honest with yourself. If having the party and celebration you envision is this important to you (no shame in that), then you're going to have to throw yourself the party. Get the cake, the decorations, the present you want, the whole nine. If you think you can truly alter your expectations, then let go and leave your husband and children the space to plan a celebration for you. It might be very different and more low-key than what you do for others, it will be their own way of honoring you on your birthday. Middle ground: maybe there is one piece of a birthday celebration that is really important to you, but you can let go of the rest. Communicate that and why it is so important to you and ask (be direct) your husband to include this one piece but do the rest his way.

As the pp said, if you keep going like this, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and might end up with husband and children walking on eggshells around your birthday.

Finally, I know you're venting here and everyone needs a place to get things off your chest...But I'll still throw this out for consideration: any chance your husband felt he was in a no-win situation, i.e. he knew he couldn't meet your birthday expectations, and rather than put in full effort only to have you be disappointed anyway, just checked out of it?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know how it feels to be disappointed with a birthday... or Mother's Day.

For some people, gift giving and holiday celebrating is just not encoded into their genes. It's not important to them, and they tend to be a bit clueless about how to be that way for others. I wonder if this is the case with your husband.

Does he show you thoughtfulness in other ways?

If so, then let it go. I think it's fine to tell him you were disappointed and emphasize how much birthdays do mean to you.. and hopefully he will make more of an effort in the future. But it sounds like for you, the holiday and gift and birthday thing is like second nature. You do it easily, and you enjoy it. For him, it's not second nature... he has to consciously think about it and do it intentionally. Maybe it has never truly sunk in how much this means to you. So try to be forgiving.

[Anonymous]

I think men are clueless and we have to live with it!

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry and I do feel for you.

And though I thought the poster who said your expectations are too high was harsh, I do think you sort of set yourself up for disappointment. Why not let him do everything and don't help him so much? That way, the worst that happens is he does nothing and you end up crying, which happened anyway, but what could happen is he could get you something totally worthless, but at least unexpected and possibly sweet, right?

Either way, you could save yourself a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

OP, You cannot change him. Like you said, if you scale it back for his birthday he just will not care. Instead, MAKE HIM PAY! Tell him you finally understand he is not a holiday person and that you will handle everything so the kids can learn how thoughtful people do it (of course, not letting them know you did everything). Say that from now on you will buy the food, decorations, and your own gift. But instead of a $30 sterling silver necklace from TJ Maxx you will treat yourself to the silver or gold trinket of your choice from Tiffany's. Your kids will think DH is generous but he will be miserable about having to spend that kind of money on your birthday every year because of the Selfishness Tax. You won't be perfectly happy but at least you'll get nice jewelry out of it.