Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
Working Moms: Do you HAVE to or WANT to?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Why is this an excellent point? The reality is, dads usually work and moms either do or don't. Moms are the ones who take leave after a baby, moms are the ones who feel guilty. Moms are the ones who are either WM or SAHM. Ignoring this or pretending it isn't there won't make that fact go away. We are lucky in that I am one of the PPs with a flexible job and a husband with a flexible job, and we are able to really minimize our child's time away from a parent during the week and we have a lot of balance, but many people are not like that. In my office, it is the moms who telecommute, or work 4 days. This is reality and I wish it were different but it's not right now. |
Anonymous
I could have written this exact same post. For me, if work is going well and I am happy, I tend to feel that I "want" to work. On those days that work is going poorly or I am having a difficult time judggling home and work demands, I feel like I "have" to work. |
Anonymous
Doesn't mean we can't/shouldn't point to it and question it over and over again. |
Anonymous
It is also not an excellent point because even in dual-career families, the division of domestic responsibilities is rarely completely equitable. Moms wishing to WOH need to add this to WAH responsibilities, so that in effect, they are doing everything. They can outsource, but I'm willing to bet that the moms need to make those arrangements themselves, pay for them out of their own salaries, and be ready to pick up the slack if arrangements fall through. At the end of the day, mothers have additional burdens even men who loudly proclaim themselves helpful and nurturing don't have. |
Anonymous
| I want to, and I do like never having to worry about money, or if my husband will divorce me or if he will die or something terrible like that...I also like teaching my daughter by example that it is ver important to be financially independent. |
Anonymous
|
"even in dual-career families, the division of domestic responsibilities is rarely completely equitable"
Then you married the wrong man. It is 100% equal in my house and I would have it no other way. |
Anonymous
That's great, but is it the norm? I think most husbands help a bit, but I have not observed an equitable distribution. How many "right" men are actually out there? I know a lot of nice, well-intentioned men, but their wives still do more at home even if they face considerable career pressures. Before the "Steel Magnolia" thread devolved into a dogs are people too discussion, it rang very true to me. |
Anonymous
|
Good for you, PP. The reality for every single woman I know is that it is usually NOT 100% equitable.
My DH is a fabulous dad. He does do a great deal around the house. But, it is by no means equitable. I do ask. I ask him to do X, please (and he does when I ask). But, in the end, I end up doing MUCH more than he does. |
Anonymous
I'm with 9:50. I work because I want to for many of the reasons cited already but a key one is financial independence. I like what I do and make a lot of money (more than DH and always have), and like that it allows us to live well. That doesn't mean extravagantly but it does mean that we don't have any real issues with money (live below our means), and can afford to hire people to clean, mow the law, etc. which are things I dont really want to do. I'd rather spend that time with my kids. But a real added benefit is that we do have a balanced relationship. That doesn't mean we split every task 50/50 but we definitely split the overall family management (and not along stereotypical gender lines - for example he does most of the cooking). |
Anonymous
|
I work because I have to and I want to. DH works part time and handles more of the home duties. this is mainly due to the economy and his particular business. I am an expecting mom so I can't speak to the division of labor post-baby, but have a great job with manageable hours and am able to work from home with fairly flexible hours, so with DH's scaled back hours, and maybe with a little bit of outside help (nanny once or twice a week from 9-5?) we expect to be able to have one of us home and caring for baby at all times. I know I'm lucky -- my job has busy times where I may work evenings, but these are sporadic, and at other times I'm easily able to take a day off in the middle of the week. My work is performance-based and I don't have to keep regular hours. It is because of this flexibility that I stayed in the job I have for a decade when I know I could have gone to a bigger type of organization and made twice as much but with much more demanding hours.
I'll never feel guilty about the choices I've made and can't comprehend why anyone else does either. I have friends who have dual income families and work 80 hours a week, each. This is not for me, but who is to say it's not right for them? Their kids seem well-adjusted and happy enough. I also have friends where mom stays home. Don't have any friends where dad stays home, but I think that's becoming more and more common, too. I think when a family balances everyone's needs successfully, it works, no matter what the individual choices may be. |
Anonymous
|
"My DH is a fabulous dad. He does do a great deal around the house. But, it is by no means equitable. I do ask. I ask him to do X, please (and he does when I ask). But, in the end, I end up doing MUCH more than he does. "
Why do you put up with this shit? Are you a doormat or a martyr? Is that a good example for the kids? |
Anonymous
|
I'm not a HAVE to work mom but like many others, we'd be in for MAJOR changes including not saving or funding retirement accounts and potentially moving (we have a 20 year old townhouse north of Wheaton - it's FAR from fancy).
That said, all of the families I know recently that have gotten divorced over the past few years had SAHMs. I'm not saying that caused it (that's not at all what I think) but it does make you think about how vulnerable even SAHMs w/ degrees are having to go back out and start back into work again so quickly w/ rusty resumes. |
Anonymous
"Excellent point" poster here. The reason I called that an excellent point is because, as another pp noted, we need to talk about these things. It may not be reality for most people but that doesn't mean we should pretend that the way things are is the "natural" way or the way things should be. As the pp noted above, a few of us have marriages (like me) where it is legitimate to ask whether mom or dad has to work, not just mom. Why shouldn't we be asking that question of all men, not just women? As long as caring for house and children is considered just a woman's problem, caring for families will be considered less important than making money. When men are also held responsible for this work, caring for families will be considered among the highest priorities. |
Anonymous
| I want to. And our lifestyle would be very different without my income. But even still, I would not want to stay home full time. I am a better and happier mom as a working mom. |
Anonymous
While I can understand your reasons for working, I don't think you can say you HAVE to work. My friend who would give anything to stay home, but would be unable to pay the mortgage on her modest house HAS to work. If she could, she would sell that house and move to a 1 bedroom condo but can't because she is underwater on her mortgage. So, in my mind, she is someone who truly MUST work. What strikes me about this thread, is that there are a lot of people who work not b/c they love their job, but because they love the lifestyle, luxuries, and security that it gives them. There is nothing wrong with that, but I don't think that should be confused with "having" to work. |