Working Moms: Do you HAVE to or WANT to?

[Anonymous]

we could get by on DH's salary alone, but it would be tight. We'd be doing no savings for retirement or otherwise, that's for sure. To me, if we're JUST paying the bills, that isn't enough. I just couldn't cut it that close - it wouldn't feel like living! Not to mention, sometimes expenses come up...it would stink to have no way to pay for the unexpected, you know?

I work 2 days a week currently, but worked full-time for my daughter's first 2 years. I enjoy more time to do fun things with her like classes at the community center, but I'm not really sure I'm cut out to be a full-time SAHM. Maybe if my husband wasn't in school still, I'd feel a little differently - he works full-time, travels some for work AND is in class several nights a week and studying most of the day on weekends. It just isn't your typical family life for us - if he were home most nights and available through the weekend, it would make a huge difference and MAYBE I wouldn't feel like working is a good, and necessary, mental break.

We had not arranged our lives so that I could stay home when my daughter arrived, so it took some time to get debts paid (cars, credit cards, etc) so that I could cut back. When a good time came for me to leave work (where my career had pretty much stalled anyway), we couldn't afford for me to cut down to no income, but I make about half what I used to working PT for a friend of mine who owns her own company. We pay just slightly more than half the daycare we used to, but other expenses have been cut to make room for that.

Sadly, had life gone as planned (what was supposed to happen and had been promised to me before my maternity leave), I would still be working FT. I do feel like I wasted money on a master's degree that was supposed to further my career - I could have done the job I left with no more than a college degree (and probably didn't even need that). I don't know if I am ever going to stop wondering what could have been career-wise, but we accepted the cards as they were dealt and our current situation works pretty well.

I have every intention of working more after our kids are in school - we shall see what lies ahead. My hubby had a job change mid-year that could have afforded me to SAH full-time (with cut-backs in savings, of course), but I decided that I liked the couple days of work, my daughter likes her daycare/school and we are able to keep a safety net in place. We don't live in a big house or drive nice cars, but I think we're doing fairly well in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

I'm working primarily for excellent retirement benefits.

[Anonymous]

I take life in moderation. I SAH for a few years and it got old. I went back to work in a professional capacity 24hrs a week. I love my balance between the two worlds.

I'm not going to lie, I like the money. DH makes a great income, and when you add on top of that my income, it affords us amazing vacations and a lot of purchasing power. I feel like we are watching this economic downturn from the sidelines. Even if we did lose our jobs, we could live a few years without one. This would not be possible without my contributions.

Nice thing is our debt obligation is structured areoun DHs income from 6 years ago so as we have moved up, we stayed in the same house and cars, leaving room for play.

[Anonymous]

I work from home, so I have the best of both worlds. I don't want to miss one minute of my child's development, and I have been there for all of his firsts. That said, once he is in school I will definitely pick up more work and be able to invest more time into it. It is VERY difficult to work from home and be a SAHM. Rewarding, but definitely challenging. I feel like I work 24 hours a day sometimes. I work because I have to and because I love what I do.

I actually feel that some people may be better parents BECAUSE they go off to work. The balance can be a very beneficial thing for some and they can provide a good life for their family.

[Anonymous]

I want to and I have to. I'm the major breadwinner and we depend on my salary to cover our mortgage. But I like getting up in the morning and going to work. It makes me feel focused, organized, and in control. I would not be happy "keeping a home." As much as I love my kids, the days I have spent staying home from working taking care of them sometimes seem endless. I have great respect for SAHMs because the idea terrifies me.

[Anonymous]

I really WANT to be landed gentry.

[Anonymous]

I have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work from home, so I have the best of both worlds. I don't want to miss one minute of my child's development, and I have been there for all of his firsts. That said, once he is in school I will definitely pick up more work and be able to invest more time into it. It is VERY difficult to work from home and be a SAHM. Rewarding, but definitely challenging. I feel like I work 24 hours a day sometimes. I work because I have to and because I love what I do.

I actually feel that some people may be better parents BECAUSE they go off to work. The balance can be a very beneficial thing for some and they can provide a good life for their family.

What type of work do you do from home, PP? I'm a SAHM, and when my kids are in elem. school, I would like to work part-time. But I wonder about the summers...if I worked from home then I could also see them a lot in the summer.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I qualify as a working mom just yet since I'm still on maternity leave, but I plan on going back because I want to. In an ideal world, I think I'd like to be in two places at once, but since I can't, going back to work and raising our daughter is the best compromise for me.

Could we swing things on one income? Probably, though it would make things really tough. Like others have already said, working allows us to save for retirement, education, enjoy extras, and most importantly to me, allows us to share in providing for our family. That's a big responsibility and one I wouldn't feel right about placing squarely in my husband's court.

I also like my job - I changed jobs shortly after I learned I was pregnant, and after being miserable in my old job for too long, I really appreciate working somewhere I like going to each day and doing work I enjoy rather than dread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

I'm not the PP, and I don't intend to be unkind, but... well... does your toddler get a lot of mileage out of your expertise in international economics? Mine wouldn't. I think the skills of parenting, at least young children, are entirely separate from the skills we gain through formal education. Some of the best moms don't even have GEDs, and some of the worst are high-powered, intensely-educated professionals. And vice versa.

I guess I think my education shaped me, who I am, and therefore how I parent, etc. Not saying that my education makes me a better parent, but just changed my outlook on things. Look, I am one of the moms who work part time, so I do use my education in the workforce and I certainly understand how using it in the workforce differs from how you use your education on a daily basis outside of the work force. But, I am very sensitive to assertions that people want to work to "use their education" because it can imply that it is not worth getting an education if one intends to stay home. And that, I think, undermines women--who are largely the ones to stay home--and sets a bad example for our daughters.

I TOTALLY agree with this post! My education was not just a way to get on a career path. It made me learn how to think, how to be analytical and critical. I studied something in college that had nothing to do with the career I ended up choosing (and excelling in). And my education --from pre-school to college--made me into the mother I am today. I do occasional freelance but basically am a SAHM with my 2 kids under 3 yrs. Yes, it can be tedious and mindless but, frankly, so could consulting and journalism (the careers I am in). While my mom was not a career mom she was very very educated and very bright. Having her around a lot when we were little was HUGE. She would read to us all the time, take us on interesting trips, etc. But more importantly it was the conversation and even those little comments she would drop here and there--these are what help me develop the values I have today. I know that FT working moms can also have this impact on their kids. Of course. This isnt an either/or. All I am saying is that if you are bright and are with your kids all the time you DO set a "good example"--not in the career you have but in the day-in-day-out activities, values, conversations.

I will return to the workforce once my kids are in school til 3pm. I figure that if we can afford it (which means public school in dc, basically) then I will stay at home. The rest of my life I plan to show my kids that I, too, can have a job I care about. I DONT think that the whole "role model" issue is remotely relevant when our kids are infants and preschoolers. It's not like my daughter is never going to be exposed to the idea of women in power! She's 3!!! What she IS going to get is my role modeling at home--the model I set for her as an intellectual and as a moral person.

[Anonymous]

I can never decide whether I have to or I want to.
DH makes about 300k and I make about half of that for my part-time schedule, so I know we could live on his salary, but we would be living differently. Right now we can comfortably afford alot of things I know we could give up -- private school, nice vacations, a great nanny, household help, restaurants, designer clothes. All of those things are clearly optional. but i do like my job. I'm not sure I would say love, but I like it alot. I guess for me it comes down to:
1. wanting to give my kids private school, etc
2. not wanting to feel totally dependent on DH
3. wanting to max out retirement and college savings. It helps me sleep at night knowing that is all taken care of.
4. never worrying about money. Because we save a good bit and pretty much don't think about it. That is quite a luxury, and I don't take that for granted.
5. liking going to work three-four days a week, getting dressed, talking with adults, challenging my mind, even having a lunch out every now and then
5. fear that i leave this great sought-after job now, I'll never get back in. And when they start school, I will be bored.
6. not wanting to do housework. If I had no nanny and household help, I would have to cook and clean. I don't want to.
7. knowing that being home with them (they are 1 and 3) is fun but exhausting. On teh days I am home, I am so spent. By bedtime, i feel like I am not a cheery mom anymore. On teh days I work, I come home soooo excited to see them, and we have so much fun before bed. Sometimes I think that means I wasn't meant to stay home, or at least that for me, working part-time is the better choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous
I guess I think my education shaped me, who I am, and therefore how I parent, etc. Not saying that my education makes me a better parent, but just changed my outlook on things. Look, I am one of the moms who work part time, so I do use my education in the workforce and I certainly understand how using it in the workforce differs from how you use your education on a daily basis outside of the work force. But, I am very sensitive to assertions that people want to work to "use their education" because it can imply that it is not worth getting an education if one intends to stay home. And that, I think, undermines women--who are largely the ones to stay home--and sets a bad example for our daughters.

I TOTALLY agree with this post! My education was not just a way to get on a career path. It made me learn how to think, how to be analytical and critical. I studied something in college that had nothing to do with the career I ended up choosing (and excelling in). And my education --from pre-school to college--made me into the mother I am today. I do occasional freelance but basically am a SAHM with my 2 kids under 3 yrs. Yes, it can be tedious and mindless but, frankly, so could consulting and journalism (the careers I am in). While my mom was not a career mom she was very very educated and very bright. Having her around a lot when we were little was HUGE. She would read to us all the time, take us on interesting trips, etc. But more importantly it was the conversation and even those little comments she would drop here and there--these are what help me develop the values I have today. I know that FT working moms can also have this impact on their kids. Of course. This isnt an either/or. All I am saying is that if you are bright and are with your kids all the time you DO set a "good example"--not in the career you have but in the day-in-day-out activities, values, conversations.

I will return to the workforce once my kids are in school til 3pm. I figure that if we can afford it (which means public school in dc, basically) then I will stay at home. The rest of my life I plan to show my kids that I, too, can have a job I care about. I DONT think that the whole "role model" issue is remotely relevant when our kids are infants and preschoolers. It's not like my daughter is never going to be exposed to the idea of women in power! She's 3!!! What she IS going to get is my role modeling at home--the model I set for her as an intellectual and as a moral person.

I am a full-time WOHM; one of the dreaded DCUM lawyers. (All run screaming now! :wink

Although this poster's context for making her statement is different, I agree with a lot of what she said, especially in the first paragraph.

In my experience, my law degree may put bacon on the table, but my undergrad liberal arts degree makes me a better person and mommy.

[Anonymous]

Wow, it's great that so many women on this board are able to choose. I work ONLY because I have to -- if I never had to work another day, I would happily leave the work force forever. For us, it's not an option to cut back and live on one salary because we both have a large amount of student loan debt and have to live a pretty simple life even on two salaries. We won't be able to pay for our kids' college educations, we'll never be able to take real vacations other than visiting family, we live in a small townhouse in a far suburb that we were only able to buy because of the real estate market crashing, etc. Fortunately we are not materialistic and are happy with what we have. But we have to both work to keep our heads above water. If I could take back having gone to law school without also taking back meeting my husband (not at law school, but because I moved to DC for a legal job), I would. But what's done is done.

Of course, I have had some horrendous job experiences in the legal world, so that colors my desire to work. If I had a career I loved, I might feel very differently about working.

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHM for 2 years then a part time WFM mom for 1.5 years and now a WM.. SAHM just happened- got laid off pregnant with #1- I have an MBA- fast trackish- so this confused me but then who would hire a preggo woman? It evolved into 2 kids and my not event glancing at working since I was trying so hard to have kids (TTC issues). So once DC1 occured- I joining the SAHM crowd though even then I met everyone I felt out of place in a way- I just didn't meet anyone who really had any type of career in a LEADERSHIP position.. An old employer offered a WFM very p/t position- I was doing this for over a year after DC2. It's been great- but DH lost his job- severance dried up-I was the one who got the great f/t job- so, he's at home while I work.

[Anonymous]

PP here- I love my work- and my boss is very family friendly- it make a HUGE difference. I know as very p/t that my kids events wouold always come first as they do for him. (my boss)