Working Moms: Do you HAVE to or WANT to?

[Anonymous]

I want to...sure there are plenty of days I don't, but I have a pretty successful career (physicist). My husband makes slightly more than me, but I still make a very good salary. If we moved we could probably live a similar lifestyle (with the exception of driving more) on one salary. But as much as I wish I had a shorter work week, I'm very proud of myself for accomplishing what I have, and I think it sets a good example for my daughters.

[Anonymous]

I want to - but am always trying to find a good balance. And I also basically have to work also!

I make a little under half our salary (DH makes $75,000 I make $70,000) and am able to work 32 hours per week which is nice. Without me working, we'd have to sell our close-in house, which we love.

It's nice to have the extra day, and it's nice to have back up health care benefits in case someone loses a job. I also have matching 401(k), free gym membership in the building so I can workout at lunch, and daycare in DH's building where our child goes. All these things make working a lot easier.

Also my commute is pretty decent compared to many around here. And my husband has really decent hours and almost no commute as well so we have a good balance and can minimize daycare hours for our child. I do like my job and worked hard to get here, and worked many years before having a baby.

But, if I had a long commute, had to work long hours, and wasn't crazy about my job, well I'd guess I'd hate that with or without a kid but it would be much worse knowing I was away from my child on top of all that.

I personally would have a hard time staying home just because I lack creativity and do much better on a schedule. I also hate cooking and would feel pressure to do that if my husband worked all day. Now, he does 99% of the cooking (we do a lot of food prep ahead on weekends so no one has to spend work evenings in the kitchen for long). But I know some moms who do stay at home and are happy - so I know it's a great option for some.

Also, I do think it would be easier to stay home if you have some extra $$$ - just cause you could afford to do classes, etc. On $75,000 a year without my job, I feel like it would be tough to be able to do a lot of stuff I would want to do, and I'd feel guilty grabbing a Starbucks drink, etc. Now, with me working, we have some extra $$ to pay for a housekeeping service every month and I don't have to feel guilty about occasional splurges.

[Anonymous]

I want to - because I need the stimulation of getting out, being with adults, using my professional skills, and having my contributions recognized and appreciated in real time.

And I need to - living on my husband's salary alone (which is only 15% more than mine) would mean selling the house, moving to a small apartment in the exurbs, and cutting out "extras" (like new clothes, occasional dinners out, etc). It's not that we couldn't do it if we had to, but it would be a pretty minimalist, constrained, worry-filled sort of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make a good a significant amount more than my husband, and I have the better benefits package, so we're all on my insurance. If I didn't work, we'd be paying for insurance through his job (whereas we pay nothing for mine). We'd likely have to move... I don't even know how far out of town, in order to find a place we could afford on just his salary. It would be tough.

So for that reason we NEED me working.

Plus, the idea of not having my own retirement savings, my own contributions to Social Security, etc, makes me very uneasy. Gog forbid something happens to him, or to us...

On top of that, I WANT to work. I enjoy what I do. I worked very hard and paid a lot of money for my education, and while I always intended to have children, I also always intended to use my education.

This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

[Anonymous]

Oh yeah, and as PPs said, I think it's an important example to set for my daughter. My mom always ranted on about how I shouldn't let a man support me, how I had to be responsible for my own needs (which included having to get a job at 15, buy my own clothes, pay for my own entertainment, etc even though my folks were well-off). She never even tried to get a job, even though she's educated. I found it really hard to respect her or take her seriously, since her life consisted of ladies' clubs and expensive hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

I'm not the PP, and I don't intend to be unkind, but... well... does your toddler get a lot of mileage out of your expertise in international economics? Mine wouldn't. I think the skills of parenting, at least young children, are entirely separate from the skills we gain through formal education. Some of the best moms don't even have GEDs, and some of the worst are high-powered, intensely-educated professionals. And vice versa.

[Anonymous]

I also work because I want to. My income is about 50 percent higher than DH's, but we could still live comfortably on his salary alone. My work is fascinating and I can't see myself giving it up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I make a good a significant amount more than my husband, and I have the better benefits package, so we're all on my insurance. If I didn't work, we'd be paying for insurance through his job (whereas we pay nothing for mine). We'd likely have to move... I don't even know how far out of town, in order to find a place we could afford on just his salary. It would be tough.

So for that reason we NEED me working.

Plus, the idea of not having my own retirement savings, my own contributions to Social Security, etc, makes me very uneasy. Gog forbid something happens to him, or to us...

On top of that, I WANT to work. I enjoy what I do. I worked very hard and paid a lot of money for my education, and while I always intended to have children, I also always intended to use my education.

This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

I intended to use my education in the workforce. If I intended to stay home, I probably would have pursued something other than public policy in grad school. I don't think it'd come in terribly handy if I were home.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your definition of "have to." No doubt we could sell our house, rent a one-bedroom apartment in a poor neighborhood, kick my MIL out of the other house we own and sell it, drop the gym memberships, directv, broadband and take dd out of private school and then make it on my husband's salary.

Some people don't see that as an option. But I still say I choose to work. Just as my husband chooses to work. I believe that husbands and wives are equally responsible for raising their children. When dd was young, dh and I split responsibility for her care and arranged our work schedule so that we could alternate staying at home. I realize of course that very few people can do that -- but even so, it should be the model we work toward.

[Anonymous]

I used to fall in the "want to" camp, but since my husband was laid off, now I fall in the "have to" camp. But most of the time, it's some combination of wanting and needing to work.

[Anonymous]

Have/Want, Want/Have - where does one thing end and the other begin?

I want to buy my kids beautiful clothes, I want to send them to private school. I like our house. I want to provide them with many things I did not have growing up. I want to afford a really good nanny. I like buying really high quality organic food for my family.

I also want to see them more.

Only one of these things is inconsistent with my work. So I work and make sure weekends are serious family time. I also try to build in other family time during the week.

The alternative would change our lives radically because I significantly outearn DH. He does fine, but I do a lot better. That probably does not make my working a "need," but it is the choice we made. Our eldest child is getting to the point where we can discuss these things, and she made the same choice for me to keep working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

I'm not the PP, and I don't intend to be unkind, but... well... does your toddler get a lot of mileage out of your expertise in international economics? Mine wouldn't. I think the skills of parenting, at least young children, are entirely separate from the skills we gain through formal education. Some of the best moms don't even have GEDs, and some of the worst are high-powered, intensely-educated professionals. And vice versa.

I guess I think my education shaped me, who I am, and therefore how I parent, etc. Not saying that my education makes me a better parent, but just changed my outlook on things. Look, I am one of the moms who work part time, so I do use my education in the workforce and I certainly understand how using it in the workforce differs from how you use your education on a daily basis outside of the work force. But, I am very sensitive to assertions that people want to work to "use their education" because it can imply that it is not worth getting an education if one intends to stay home. And that, I think, undermines women--who are largely the ones to stay home--and sets a bad example for our daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This annoys me--sorry. PP, I hope you didn't mean to imply that those who choose to stay home don't use their education?

I'm not the PP, and I don't intend to be unkind, but... well... does your toddler get a lot of mileage out of your expertise in international economics? Mine wouldn't. I think the skills of parenting, at least young children, are entirely separate from the skills we gain through formal education. Some of the best moms don't even have GEDs, and some of the worst are high-powered, intensely-educated professionals. And vice versa.

I guess I think my education shaped me, who I am, and therefore how I parent, etc. Not saying that my education makes me a better parent, but just changed my outlook on things. Look, I am one of the moms who work part time, so I do use my education in the workforce and I certainly understand how using it in the workforce differs from how you use your education on a daily basis outside of the work force. But, I am very sensitive to assertions that people want to work to "use their education" because it can imply that it is not worth getting an education if one intends to stay home. And that, I think, undermines women--who are largely the ones to stay home--and sets a bad example for our daughters.

I wouldn't say that, but it's true I probably wouldn't have gotten that graduate degree if I intended to stay home.

[Anonymous]

I have to work. No way we could afford our life on DH's current salary. If I had a different job, I'd probably want to work as well. As it stands now, I don't want to work, but I couldn't imagine staying at home either.

[Anonymous]

Without a doubt, because I *WANT* to.

I have an advanced degree in my field and work in a role that engages me intellectually and creatively, and makes me feel like I am having a positive impact on society. (I work in the biomedical sciences.) My kids are school aged and, thanks to the seniority and expertise I've been fortunate enough to build-up, most of my work can be completed while my kids are in school or after they go to bed. I do have PT help to assist with housework, laundry, errands, etc.

DH makes approx $500k on his own, so my income is not a determinant of our overall lifestyle. Neither DH nor I came from money, though, and I recognize that I have a very fortunate situation.

I do think the decision to SAH or not can depend in part on the age of your children and your personal style. I was a SAHM during the preschool years (however, I did miss using the "other" side of my brain during those years.)