How to deal with a creepy colleague
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
You should absolutely do this! Been there, done that. And I will add that it may not be because of that culture - I used to be in grad school with a lot of nerdy guys from all over Asia, and the Indians and Pakistanis were charming and perfectly polite. Anyway, my point is that this is probably a social communication disorder, instead of a cultural thing. Plenty of nerdy guys don't quite know how to control verbal and non-verbal cues, even though they understand how it works in theory. Simply put, some have them have Asperger's tendencies. My clueless super-geeky research scientist husband has had a few crushes on female co-workers at his workplace: I see it because he talks about them a lot when he first meets them, then after a few weeks, he stops talking about them. Nobody has ever had to be direct (I know the women he works with), like you will probably have to do. But they probably become a lot more busy when he's around, until he stops trying to have extra conversations with them. That type of person will not be offended by your directness - because direct is the only communication they can understand easily. What confuses them is the convoluted diplomatic-speak we all use in public. |
Anonymous
|
would you feel comfortable saying something like -
Hey Joe, do I have smutz on my face? You've been staring at me all morning! -or- Hey Joe, maybe you should have your eyes checked out. One NY cousins used to have that same blank stare that he just couldn't shake and it turns out he had a lazy eye, poor thing! Well, it's all worked out now that he has glasses. Maybe you'd benefit from a check up too. I can recommend a great optomologist if you need a name. |
Anonymous
|
I agree with the Pp who suggested saying "what?" every time, or just point blank ask him - why are you staring at me?
And whatever he mumbles in response, say "well, I'm asking you to stop and I won't ask twice." |
Anonymous
| Take him aside and say, "I've noticed you looking at me quite a bit in meetings. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable and I would prefer if you would stop it. Thanks." Then, if he doesn't stop, escalate it to HR or your manager. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but you must have never had anyone stare at you before. OP I feel you, I had a guy at work that use to stare at me all the time. It was creepy and uncomfortable. Every time I would need to scan the room to look for something/someone, I would make eye contact because he was always staring at me. Same thing at a conference with 10 people. I needed to look around the room, it is hard to just keep your eyes in one place, but he was always staring. I ended up telling a few co workers and they all noticed once I told them. If I was eating lunch in the lunch room he would always sit at my table, even though there were plenty of spaces at the other tables. The guy was transferred after 2 months thank goodness. |
Anonymous
|
Why is this a conversation?
Women are such chicken shits. And yes, I'm one. Tell him to stop and move on. This entire thread makes women look like dumb asses without a clue. |
Anonymous
| OP here: much useful advice here, thanks. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I am a supervisor in a small federal agency, and I would want you to tell me that you are not comfortable with the amount of attention he is paying to you.
Among my first questions would be to ask whether you find his office visits annoying or harassment. Either way, I would take steps to reduce his visits. I would also watch him during meetings. If he was indeed staring, I would address that as well. The fact that he is a contractor makes it easier, because I could simply have him replaced. |
Anonymous
How about.. Do you want my picture? |
Anonymous
I guess Arab. Saudi Arabian? |
Anonymous
Stare back when you find him staring at you, with a decidedly unfriendly look on your face. After the meeting, stop him in the hall and say him, "I noticed you were staring at me. Is there a problem? No? Then stop." Aggressive and direct is the way to go here, in every interaction with him. Do not allow him to intimidate you in any way. When he stops by your office with a question, do not smile, chat, or be welcoming in any way. Ask him directly what he wants, answer his question as tersely as possible, then turn away. |
Anonymous
| When he stops by your office ask him Why do you always ask stupid questions? |
Anonymous
+1 I agree with this approach - it is great. I also like the idea of saying "Yes?" or "You're staring at me, is something wrong?" or "You're staring at me, you look like there is something you want to say." when he stares at you in meetings. You can say that with an aggressive tone of voice, or a professional "I'm just trying to make sure you understand what I'm saying" tone of voice, whichever feels right at the time. That way everyone is a witness to the staring as well. |
Anonymous
People from that country (or really any Gulf states) don't work in fed contracting jobs. If they qualify for those types of jobs they would work for Gulf state companies and make much more money. |
Anonymous
I had a guy like this at work once. It was awful. It was a combo of crush and creepy personality (the staring and not picking up on cues is the creep part). This guy eventually talked to the owner and main office manager (very small company ) about his concerns that I was a deeply depressed person. When in reality, I couldn't stand the guy so to try to get rid of him I behaved just like pp suggests. One word answers, no eye contact, no smiling, unfriendly facade. This guy just could not catch a clue. OMG it was nearly unbearable. Right before I decided to ask the boss if he could somehow separate us, the creepy guy and the boss gad a big loud yelling blowout, and he was fired. Thank god. Just sharing my experience. Guys like this are so beyond "workplace crush." |