How to deal with a creepy colleague

[Anonymous]

Before going to HR document the behavior. Keep a word doc of how often he comes to your office, and how many times you catch him staring, and when you have asked him not to come to your desk. You need to tell him to stop coming to your office.

Then, when he does come by, get up and go to the bathroom. Or to another colleagues desk. Or to a meeting. Don't sit around and let him monopolize your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't close your door. Don't sacrifice other work relationships to kill this one.

Eh, I might. I might also let sympathetic females know why I was doing that so they would still visit/knock. Or just keep your door shut and visit others more.

+1 because he may be doing this to others. If he is doing this, then having two women approach HR/supervisor gets the problem resolved rather quickly. Even if he isn't (doubtful, maybe he's acting this way to a few people), you may find someone who has seen these interactions and could support you through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before going to HR document the behavior. Keep a word doc of how often he comes to your office, and how many times you catch him staring, and when you have asked him not to come to your desk. You need to tell him to stop coming to your office.

Then, when he does come by, get up and go to the bathroom. Or to another colleagues desk. Or to a meeting. Don't sit around and let him monopolize your time.

Great advice! Just excuse yourself and do something else a few times and he should get a clue.

[Anonymous]

Can you just tell him not t come to your office?
"Al, starting today I have decided that I don't want any visits to my office. It's distracting to my work.
I need you to email or instant message if you think you need my assistance"

This will do a couple things:
1. A paper trail if he starts to ramp up the unnecessary emails, so you can document and show a superior that Al is writing you 4x/day and has nothing to do with work, and can frame it as him needing redirection on who to go to for help and your workload, unnecessary work answering his questions since you say he doesn't need you
2. If he does come by in spite of this you can say "email Al" while not even looking up or say "email Al" while you walk away
3. You can answer briefly if for some reason it is a legitimate work related request

Additionally, I think it will give your complaints more clout when you can say "here are 5 emails in one day that shouldn't have been written. I'm concerned not only because I am not involved in his work and these are unnecessary and distracting/time consuming, but that they point to some sort of inappropriate behavior from him to me personal when I notice him staring at me all the time."
And then you can go into the staring, stopping by your office
when you told him not to, all that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess..is he FOB?

No has spent several years here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just tell him not t come to your office?
"Al, starting today I have decided that I don't want any visits to my office. It's distracting to my work.
I need you to email or instant message if you think you need my assistance"

This will do a couple things:
1. A paper trail if he starts to ramp up the unnecessary emails, so you can document and show a superior that Al is writing you 4x/day and has nothing to do with work, and can frame it as him needing redirection on who to go to for help and your workload, unnecessary work answering his questions since you say he doesn't need you
2. If he does come by in spite of this you can say "email Al" while not even looking up or say "email Al" while you walk away
3. You can answer briefly if for some reason it is a legitimate work related request

Additionally, I think it will give your complaints more clout when you can say "here are 5 emails in one day that shouldn't have been written. I'm concerned not only because I am not involved in his work and these are unnecessary and distracting/time consuming, but that they point to some sort of inappropriate behavior from him to me personal when I notice him staring at me all the time."
And then you can go into the staring, stopping by your office
when you told him not to, all that

I wasn't going to tell him off directly but after reading all this advice and thinking it through, that seems to be the best course of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you just tell him not t come to your office?
"Al, starting today I have decided that I don't want any visits to my office. It's distracting to my work.
I need you to email or instant message if you think you need my assistance"

This will do a couple things:
1. A paper trail if he starts to ramp up the unnecessary emails, so you can document and show a superior that Al is writing you 4x/day and has nothing to do with work, and can frame it as him needing redirection on who to go to for help and your workload, unnecessary work answering his questions since you say he doesn't need you
2. If he does come by in spite of this you can say "email Al" while not even looking up or say "email Al" while you walk away
3. You can answer briefly if for some reason it is a legitimate work related request

Additionally, I think it will give your complaints more clout when you can say "here are 5 emails in one day that shouldn't have been written. I'm concerned not only because I am not involved in his work and these are unnecessary and distracting/time consuming, but that they point to some sort of inappropriate behavior from him to me personal when I notice him staring at me all the time."
And then you can go into the staring, stopping by your office
when you told him not to, all that

Thank you for this advice. Talking it to email
Is a good idea for me to appear cooperative while still getting him out of my office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, don't close your door. Don't sacrifice other work relationships to kill this one.

Eh, I might. I might also let sympathetic females know why I was doing that so they would still visit/knock. Or just keep your door shut and visit others more.

+1 because he may be doing this to others. If he is doing this, then having two women approach HR/supervisor gets the problem resolved rather quickly. Even if he isn't (doubtful, maybe he's acting this way to a few people), you may find someone who has seen these interactions and could support you through this.

I am the only woman in our group. There are women outside our larger group but I doubt he has access to them. I thought about all the suggestions and I think it is a good idea to bring it up to my supervisor and/or HR.

[Anonymous]

NP. In my sexual harassement course they told us to tell the agressor to stop as a first step whenever possible. I would have him sit down in your office with the door open and say something like, I notice you staring at me a lot. I also know you make excuses to stop by my office every day. This is making me uncomfortable and I would like it to stop.
Maybe record the conversation with your phone.
If he still continues then escalate with your supervisor or HR.
Unfortunately these types of people can't take a hint and just being rude to him won't work.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Don't make the mistake of accusing someone of "staring harassment" when it is you that may be guilty of "profiling" because the guy is from another culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you just tell him not t come to your office?
"Al, starting today I have decided that I don't want any visits to my office. It's distracting to my work.
I need you to email or instant message if you think you need my assistance"

This will do a couple things:
1. A paper trail if he starts to ramp up the unnecessary emails, so you can document and show a superior that Al is writing you 4x/day and has nothing to do with work, and can frame it as him needing redirection on who to go to for help and your workload, unnecessary work answering his questions since you say he doesn't need you
2. If he does come by in spite of this you can say "email Al" while not even looking up or say "email Al" while you walk away
3. You can answer briefly if for some reason it is a legitimate work related request

Additionally, I think it will give your complaints more clout when you can say "here are 5 emails in one day that shouldn't have been written. I'm concerned not only because I am not involved in his work and these are unnecessary and distracting/time consuming, but that they point to some sort of inappropriate behavior from him to me personal when I notice him staring at me all the time."
And then you can go into the staring, stopping by your office
when you told him not to, all that

Thank you for this advice. Talking it to email
Is a good idea for me to appear cooperative while still getting him out of my office.

Yes, and you don't have to tell him you find it creepy or address the staring. A simple "it's distracting" and direction to email is simple and to the point, and really can't be argued with or misinterpreted.
It also avoids the very subjective and hard to describe nature of "stares a lot" (not diminishing, I'm sure it's creepy as hell) and replaces it with very documentable and specific instances you can print out and show a supervisor.
Also, it changes your future complaint from "he stares at me a lot in meetings" (how does that affect your work? How does that affect the company? What concrete steps can be taken?) to "he stops by my desk too much/emails and it is detrimental to my work" (obvious effect on your work, time being wasted by 2 workers so it affects the company, easier to address and identify the issue)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must be looking at him a lot to see him looking at you...

I hate when someone says this. As a woman who has dealt with this, it's not difficult to know when a man is staring at you. I don't have to look at one in his face to know if he's staring or not. Mine would stand behind objects, I would catch his reflection in my computer screen or window, constant walking past my desk and turning his head, etc.

It's rude to stare and he finally stopped after I told another coworker that I found him to be a creep based on his behavior. In OP's case, he at least speaks to her whereas in my case, he would just stare, no speaking or smiling, nothing but stare.

[Anonymous]

Every time you catch him staring, say "what?" People will witness what he's doing and he will be embarrassed and stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don't make the mistake of accusing someone of "staring harassment" when it is you that may be guilty of "profiling" because the guy is from another culture.

Yes. You are opening yourself up to liability if you make this accusation. Repeat that three times. Go to HR. Go to your supervisor. It is their job to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Knowing this culture, the guy doesn't mean you any harm but he is also completely clueless that he's being so obvious, and you need to match his level of un-subtlety to get through to him. Before escalating and complaining to others, the next time he stops by, tell him in a straightforward and neutral-bordering-on-cold tone that you've noticed how much he stares at you and his excessive visits and they are inappropriate and make you uncomfortable, but you wanted to let him know directly rather than complain and have a superior tell him. He should feel sufficiently embarrassed to stop.

+1