Trying really hard to not be that DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law showed poor judgement. So did you. You were angry and I'm assuming that the tension has been building for years.

On a flight one time, my MIL taught our 2 year old to stand in his seat and push the overhead buttons for fun. Annoying to other passengers, the flight attendants and dangerous to DS if there was unexpected turbulence. I held my tongue until we were alone and told her why that was unacceptable.

You were in the wrong. Have a little consideration for those around you! I can't even believe that you think your inaction was acceptable!

+1

[Anonymous]

My advice for the future is don't spend time with her. Sure, you shouldn't grab things. But your mother in law sounds like a nut job. And believe me -- when the kids are older her you're going to hate the bad example she sets even more than you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother in law showed poor judgement. So did you. You were angry and I'm assuming that the tension has been building for years.

On a flight one time, my MIL taught our 2 year old to stand in his seat and push the overhead buttons for fun. Annoying to other passengers, the flight attendants and dangerous to DS if there was unexpected turbulence. I held my tongue until we were alone and told her why that was unacceptable.

You were in the wrong. Have a little consideration for those around you! I can't even believe that you think your inaction was acceptable!

+1

+1000

Instead of saying something to this incredibly inconsiderate person, you subjected others to this terrible behavior. That's nuts.

[Anonymous]

I was with my MIL and my daughter at Disney, and MIL threw such a huge fit over a perceived slight from the ride attendant she refused to get off the ride and they ended up calling security. They held up the entire line for almost 30 minutes until the "situation could be resolved". My MIL wouldn't budge not matter how much I begged her to get off the ride. I was beyond embarrassed and ashamed, even though I didn't know any of the other people there. At the same time I felt it was showing my daughter a terrible example of how to treat service people (MIL was yelling insults and obscenities). But I just kept my calm, even though inside I was fuming. I would suggest next time, mildly but firmly stating you do not allow your children to do x (write on tables, run in a restaurant, scream inside, etc.), not in a laughing condescending way, but in a calm way. And be thankful you aren't begging security NOT to arrest your MIL at the dumbo ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with my MIL and my daughter at Disney, and MIL threw such a huge fit over a perceived slight from the ride attendant she refused to get off the ride and they ended up calling security. They held up the entire line for almost 30 minutes until the "situation could be resolved". My MIL wouldn't budge not matter how much I begged her to get off the ride. I was beyond embarrassed and ashamed, even though I didn't know any of the other people there. At the same time I felt it was showing my daughter a terrible example of how to treat service people (MIL was yelling insults and obscenities). But I just kept my calm, even though inside I was fuming. I would suggest next time, mildly but firmly stating you do not allow your children to do x (write on tables, run in a restaurant, scream inside, etc.), not in a laughing condescending way, but in a calm way. And be thankful you aren't begging security NOT to arrest your MIL at the dumbo ride.

You sound like a very nice person. Nicer than me, in fact. I would have said go ahead and arrest her. Then I'd tell my kids that's what happens to people who do that.

[Anonymous]

She's Crazytown, OP. My mom was a hoarder and even she would never show a kid to draw directly on the table. That's nuts.

Your reaction may have been a teensy bit over the line but it's totally understandable. You snatched the pencil reflexive as if she was a child b/c seriously, only toddlers and poorly behaved children would do such a thing.

If this is emblematic, I think the best approach is distance. She had no judgment.

[Anonymous]

You know your reaction, in that moment, was too much but you are correct on the issue. Basically, I think you know what you are doing. Just remind yourself when you all are going out in public with her that you need to be very, very calm and think before you react so you can stay calm.

Your only crime here was snatching the pencil form her hand and using your mom tone with another grown-up (although whether your MIL is truly a grown-up may be debatable). On the other hand, your message was dead right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, ok, I'll bite. I f'd up. I said that originally. My reaction was too strong.

So for those of you who think I'm a nightmare, tell me what I should do next time my MIL is writing on a table at a restaurant and encouraging my child to do the same thing.

Address your son! Smile at him and say, "Isn't Grammy being silly? We don't write on the table!" Address the person at YOU are responsible for.

Eh. Too passive aggressive. I think OP was fine, given the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I've been there (my most direct example was being out to dinner and turning around and seeing my 3 yr old drinking his grandmother's beer. I grabbed it out of his hand and reacted without thinking and said "Jane, what are you thinking?!" and she replied "He just took it." As though it was no big deal, and she had no responsibility in the matter.)

This same woman also decided to draw a growth chart on our livingroom entry and measure the kids - who were thrilled to show me how their grandmother taught them to draw on the walls.

I have a hundred other examples. I sometimes retain my cool enough to manage it gracefully and sometimes there's an unfiltered, imperfect reaction like you had OP. It's ok.

One of the things I tell myself is to correct the behavior for the child and don't address the grandparent directly. "Here's some paper Johnny, we don't draw on furniture." It may not shame the grandmother into changing her behavior but you're directly addressing it and teaching the child.

That same kind of mindset works well for me anytime I feel like someone else is just being idiotic. I try to address the behavior, not the person. So not "what the hell are you doing?" but "I would prefer if you do it this way instead" or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I completely get it OP. My 3yo DS had a bump on his head from an earlier incident. At dinner, he was asking me and MIL when it would go away. MIL responded by grabbing a knife and putting it to DS' head (presumably to see if the knife would lay flat on his head?!). DS thought she was going to cut the bump off so he started to scream and ran away. I snatched the knife out MIL's hands. That's right! Snatched it away! And yelled, "what are you doing?"

DH and FIL too shocked to say a word. MIL was furious at me.

Guess what? I don't care. Sometimes people act crazy (including myself). Don't sweat it. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know your reaction, in that moment, was too much but you are correct on the issue. Basically, I think you know what you are doing. Just remind yourself when you all are going out in public with her that you need to be very, very calm and think before you react so you can stay calm.

Your only crime here was snatching the pencil form her hand and using your mom tone with another grown-up (although whether your MIL is truly a grown-up may be debatable). On the other hand, your message was dead right.

Hindsight is 20/20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with my MIL and my daughter at Disney, and MIL threw such a huge fit over a perceived slight from the ride attendant she refused to get off the ride and they ended up calling security. They held up the entire line for almost 30 minutes until the "situation could be resolved". My MIL wouldn't budge not matter how much I begged her to get off the ride. I was beyond embarrassed and ashamed, even though I didn't know any of the other people there. At the same time I felt it was showing my daughter a terrible example of how to treat service people (MIL was yelling insults and obscenities). But I just kept my calm, even though inside I was fuming. I would suggest next time, mildly but firmly stating you do not allow your children to do x (write on tables, run in a restaurant, scream inside, etc.), not in a laughing condescending way, but in a calm way. And be thankful you aren't begging security NOT to arrest your MIL at the dumbo ride.

Yeah I probably would have walked away and let her get arrested...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with my MIL and my daughter at Disney, and MIL threw such a huge fit over a perceived slight from the ride attendant she refused to get off the ride and they ended up calling security. They held up the entire line for almost 30 minutes until the "situation could be resolved". My MIL wouldn't budge not matter how much I begged her to get off the ride. I was beyond embarrassed and ashamed, even though I didn't know any of the other people there. At the same time I felt it was showing my daughter a terrible example of how to treat service people (MIL was yelling insults and obscenities). But I just kept my calm, even though inside I was fuming. I would suggest next time, mildly but firmly stating you do not allow your children to do x (write on tables, run in a restaurant, scream inside, etc.), not in a laughing condescending way, but in a calm way. And be thankful you aren't begging security NOT to arrest your MIL at the dumbo ride.

Yeah I probably would have walked away and let her get arrested...

+1. No reason for you and your child to witness this ghastly behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with my MIL and my daughter at Disney, and MIL threw such a huge fit over a perceived slight from the ride attendant she refused to get off the ride and they ended up calling security. They held up the entire line for almost 30 minutes until the "situation could be resolved". My MIL wouldn't budge not matter how much I begged her to get off the ride. I was beyond embarrassed and ashamed, even though I didn't know any of the other people there. At the same time I felt it was showing my daughter a terrible example of how to treat service people (MIL was yelling insults and obscenities). But I just kept my calm, even though inside I was fuming. I would suggest next time, mildly but firmly stating you do not allow your children to do x (write on tables, run in a restaurant, scream inside, etc.), not in a laughing condescending way, but in a calm way. And be thankful you aren't begging security NOT to arrest your MIL at the dumbo ride.

Is she mentally ill? If not, I can't imagine why you stayed so long. Yikes! And I thought my MIL was bad!

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine that I would have handled myself any better than you OP. Your MIL began drawing *on the table*?! It's not like you can brace yourself for such random and clearly inappropriate, unacceptable behavior. I can brace myself for nitpicking comments on my appearance, critiques of my cooking, complaints about how we dress the kids, training DD to be a "princess" etc etc etc - but just defacing property for no reason, I would never have expected that and I would have been horrified in that situation. Maybe I too would have snatched the pencil. Maybe I would have exclaimed "OMG, what are you doing?!" Or maybe I would have grabbed the nearest piece of paper and slid it right under the pencil and calmly said "Oh, here you go MIL! DS, enjoy this piece of paper" and if I had reacted that way, that's great, but there's no guarantee, IMO, that one will react ideally when in shock and when what it being done clearly needs to be stopped.