SO angry at my dh this morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't you post about this a few months ago?

Yep, I thought the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I empathize w/ DH (I chose not to live in DC when I moved here in 1987 and still have no desire to do so, though not for the reasons OP's DH gives -- my DW would be fine living in DC).

Bottom line, there must be compromise. He sounds overly rigid in a not-good way.

We chose in 1988 to buy a smaller house closer in (Arlington) to avoid absurd commutes and in the ensuing 28 yrs. we've saved thousands of hours of our time and wear & tear on our psyches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I empathize w/ DH (I chose not to live in DC when I moved here in 1987 and still have no desire to do so, though not for the reasons OP's DH gives -- my DW would be fine living in DC).

Bottom line, there must be compromise. He sounds overly rigid in a not-good way.

We chose in 1988 to buy a smaller house closer in (Arlington) to avoid absurd commutes and in the ensuing 28 yrs. we've saved thousands of hours of our time and wear & tear on our psyches.

edit: should read...

"I empathize with DH .... and also with OP ... "

[Anonymous]

Do you also leave work late? if not, maybe you could take advantage of that free time to socialize.

[Anonymous]

Get a job in Fairfax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few issues going on here, but the commute is definitely a contributing factor to making it worse.

I totally understand being more social than your spouse...that can be challenging. But marriage is a compromise, and at least as you describe it your DH is not holding up his side of the bargain. I'm more social than DH, but he understands that and extends himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy. I also do more socializing alone, and that's also part of our compromise.

DH is also more of a "country" person who would choose to live in the middle of a forest if he could. But again, that doesn't work for me, I like to walk places etc...so we find common ground and compromise. I will say, though, even he would not willingly sign up for the commute you two have...that's just silly when you don't own your house. There are plenty of places in Arlington that are more cul-de-sac than, say, Courthouse.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be 100% compatible, but you do have to respect your partner's likes/dislikes and make compromises for their happiness. Right now it sounds like you are living your DH's ideal, and that needs to change. Marriage counseling can help you talk this out, but the approach needs to be about finding ways to accommodate each other while still being different people.

I wish that people would actually read OP's responses. OP is NOT a social person...she wants to be social and expected her DH to help her along that path. This is NOT the case of an extrovert (OP) marrying an introvert. In OP's own words, she is a (formerly) socially awkward introvert who married a former extrovert who she thought would help her transform into an extrovert. There's no bargain that her DH didn't hold up. He never promised that he would introduce her to the glamorous life.

I did read the comments...and one of OP's beefs is that her DH never wants to go out and try to make new friends. Whatever their levels of social success in the past, that is an indication that today OP wants to be more social than her DH. And my response is that sometimes he does need to go out with her, but also that she needs to socialize on her own. Whether she's good at socializing is irrelevant, she needs space to try and their current lifestyle doesn't make that easy.

This is OP. I agree with this. I'm not saying my dh should take me to a nice gala every night. I'd just like to live somewhere where I can walk to a bar or a restaurant and be able to meet my work friends after work or walk to a bare class.

Right now I get home at 8pm drained and have no where to go out there except the apartment gym.my current living situation isn't helping my desire to be more social.

Wow that is an extremely limited set of people you want to meet up with. So if you lived in walking distance to bars or restaurants, you would only be going to them if / when your work friends could make it? No that doesn't seem worth a move to me either.

Now if you said you wanted to move to be closer to those so you could start becoming a regular and make friends there with other regulars that would be a different story,

If friends from work are going out, just plan to stay after work and go with them. To get home, take Uber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess there are no rentals at all in Old Town Fairfax, Reston, or places that won't give your DH the heebie-jeebies and are acceptably cool for you.

In all seriousness refusing to take Metro is really hobbling you and why is that such a more serious wish/desire than your husband's desire to NOT live in the city, where let's face it, crime is higher and costs higher even if you won't get attacked randomly by MS-13.

But even on metro their commutes would be really long...there are many places between where they are and DC. OP is suggesting they live in one of them, and that seems pretty reasonable to me. Changing jobs so you can stay in a rental apartment that one member of the ocuple doesn't even like is crazy.

But why should her DH move because OP has anxiety issues that don't allow her to commute solo?

[Anonymous]

I feel like there was another thread posted by this OP. I can't remember the specifics but the writing and looking for validation is really familiar. Something along the lines of validate me, validate me, I'm such a catch, validate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess there are no rentals at all in Old Town Fairfax, Reston, or places that won't give your DH the heebie-jeebies and are acceptably cool for you.

In all seriousness refusing to take Metro is really hobbling you and why is that such a more serious wish/desire than your husband's desire to NOT live in the city, where let's face it, crime is higher and costs higher even if you won't get attacked randomly by MS-13.

But even on metro their commutes would be really long...there are many places between where they are and DC. OP is suggesting they live in one of them, and that seems pretty reasonable to me. Changing jobs so you can stay in a rental apartment that one member of the ocuple doesn't even like is crazy.

But why should her DH move because OP has anxiety issues that don't allow her to commute solo?

Um, because they're a team? Because there are other reasons to move closer in? Because the commute makes them both miserable? Because they gave this place a good try and the marriage is suffering? Because each partner's desires should be weighed equally? Because her fear of the Metro is no less irrational than he fear of the city?

[Anonymous]

Why not split the difference in zips 22043,22046 or dunn loring, if you plan on kids

[Anonymous]

I make it to the Pentagon then into DC on a bus and metro in 45 minutes during rush hour and I live in Fairfax behind NOVA off of Little River Turn Pike. Where in Fairfax are you? There's an HOV bus that gets on at 236 & 495, takes the HOV lanes, gets off at the Pentagon, then like 3 stops and you're in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not split the difference in zips 22043,22046 or dunn loring, if you plan on kids

Dunn Loring is WAY too far out from DC.

[Anonymous]

Or why not Rockville or Silver Spring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess there are no rentals at all in Old Town Fairfax, Reston, or places that won't give your DH the heebie-jeebies and are acceptably cool for you.

In all seriousness refusing to take Metro is really hobbling you and why is that such a more serious wish/desire than your husband's desire to NOT live in the city, where let's face it, crime is higher and costs higher even if you won't get attacked randomly by MS-13.

But even on metro their commutes would be really long...there are many places between where they are and DC. OP is suggesting they live in one of them, and that seems pretty reasonable to me. Changing jobs so you can stay in a rental apartment that one member of the ocuple doesn't even like is crazy.

But why should her DH move because OP has anxiety issues that don't allow her to commute solo?

Um, because they're a team? Because there are other reasons to move closer in? Because the commute makes them both miserable? Because they gave this place a good try and the marriage is suffering? Because each partner's desires should be weighed equally? Because her fear of the Metro is no less irrational than he fear of the city?

Except ... She agreed to move there. Asking someone to uproot IS bigger than not uprooting. And OP isn't just afraid of the metro. She's also afraid to drive alone or any other choices AND she is expecting her husband to suddenly be more social in the city. And it sounds like the commute only makes HER miserable because she insists on waiting hours for her DH to get off (who is probably too tired to socialize if he works that lasts.) she could be going to happy hours like she desperately wants in that time frame - but she isn't. She just waits around for him. Why would it be different if she lived in the city?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have underlying issues, and moving will not solve them. Yes, it makes perfect sense to have a shorter commute if you can. But once you get closer to the restaurants, you'll find yourself in the same miserable spot where you are right now. You need to deal with the root causes of your discontent with yourself and your life situation.