SO angry at my dh this morning

[Anonymous]

OP you aren't answering the questions. Why can't you purchase your own car? Why can't you tweet your schedule to leave early? Why can't you take the metro? Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you aren't answering the questions. Why can't you purchase your own car? Why can't you tweet your schedule to leave early? Why can't you take the metro? Get over yourself.

I wish I could just go on Twitter and say, "I'm leaving early...see ya!"

[Anonymous]

Op it is about the commute. That is a lot of dead time and most people on this board do not do commutes like that. Also, there are many people on this board who feel like your husband and think living in Fairfax is the bomb. For them it's a moral choice between the city and the country. They are not helpful in your situation. You should ignore them.
Your husband has to grow up. He can be hermit in the city. If he is so self absorb that he will not talk about it, you need to get through to him you are not into this live style. When the kids come it will be worst.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others who have posted. This is a major issue in your life right now. Marriages are full of major issues. You both need to figure out how to work through these differences. A counselor can help you communicate better with one another. Are you able to hear each other? Can you each put yourselves in the other's shoes? How do you compromise? This is a skill you'll need for the rest of your lives. There isn't always an easy solution, but you should be able to agree on whatever the outcome ends up being. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it is about the commute. That is a lot of dead time and most people on this board do not do commutes like that. Also, there are many people on this board who feel like your husband and think living in Fairfax is the bomb. For them it's a moral choice between the city and the country. They are not helpful in your situation. You should ignore them.
Your husband has to grow up. He can be hermit in the city. If he is so self absorb that he will not talk about it, you need to get through to him you are not into this live style. When the kids come it will be worst.

Wow! I think you missed the point of this discussion. It has nothing to do with her DH growing up and moving to the city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are young, single, and childless. I think this topic touches a nerve for many DCUM posters (like me) who made similar trade-offs, settled for an undesirable situation, chose the wrong spouse, etc. My advice to you (and my younger self) is to really decide what YOU want to do with your life and if your DH is the right person to proceed and procreate with. This really has nothing to do with him...it's all on you and you have the power to make your own decisions, especially now before you have kids.

My thought about you is that you didn't have an exciting college life and always wanted to be "in the mix". This is why you were attracted to your DH's college stories. He was your ticket to a fun life. He grew up, decided he's been there, done that, and wants to chill out in the suburbs. Now, you feel deceived because he had his fun and you never got to. I could be wrong but only you know the truth.

Op here.

I think you're a 100% correct. I had NO fun in college. For the first two years I was a socially awkward nerd who spent all her time in the library and for the last two years my dad got sick so I spent a lot of weekends going home to see my family.

I figured once I graduated, found a job and became independent, I'd make friends and have a fun social life. And yes, I was attracted to DH because I thought he had a fun social life that I too could inherit. I did not count on him to "retire" from socializing so early.

I am sorry OP, that doesn't sound fun.
look at meetup.com. I promise there are groups for people your age who are meeting up every single weekend and doing stuff - even right there in Fairfax.

Also, really consider whether long term, you and your DH are a match. Once you have kids, you may be the one wanting to go out and socialize with other families and he will hate that. It will be a lifelong issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH is not the only person you could be socializing with! Better yet, once he sees you out and about with a group of friends, he might decide to join. If not, his loss.

It's time for you to find new friends. You're young and don't have kids--stay out late, go to the city on weekends, find friends in Fairfax. The sky's the limit. It is not too late to learn how to make friends. I too was a shy and awkward college student, and had to figure out how to make friends in my 20s. Seek out people who are similarly looking for more socializing, and make plans. Drive everywhere. And down the line, once you start thinking about buying (as people tend to), have more of an idea about where you want to live and push for that location.

But PLEASE don't blame your DH for your lack of social life. If you want to go down that path, you'll likely end up divorcing, and being a new divorcee isn't the ideal way to start making friends. You'll be much better friend material now.

Op here.

My dh delivered over a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a note saying he is sorry and that he loves me!



I'm so touched.

But yes, I agree. I need to not blame him for my lack of social skills. I will take your advice and start by joining Meetup.com around my office.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few issues going on here, but the commute is definitely a contributing factor to making it worse.

I totally understand being more social than your spouse...that can be challenging. But marriage is a compromise, and at least as you describe it your DH is not holding up his side of the bargain. I'm more social than DH, but he understands that and extends himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy. I also do more socializing alone, and that's also part of our compromise.

DH is also more of a "country" person who would choose to live in the middle of a forest if he could. But again, that doesn't work for me, I like to walk places etc...so we find common ground and compromise. I will say, though, even he would not willingly sign up for the commute you two have...that's just silly when you don't own your house. There are plenty of places in Arlington that are more cul-de-sac than, say, Courthouse.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be 100% compatible, but you do have to respect your partner's likes/dislikes and make compromises for their happiness. Right now it sounds like you are living your DH's ideal, and that needs to change. Marriage counseling can help you talk this out, but the approach needs to be about finding ways to accommodate each other while still being different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few issues going on here, but the commute is definitely a contributing factor to making it worse.

I totally understand being more social than your spouse...that can be challenging. But marriage is a compromise, and at least as you describe it your DH is not holding up his side of the bargain. I'm more social than DH, but he understands that and extends himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy. I also do more socializing alone, and that's also part of our compromise.

DH is also more of a "country" person who would choose to live in the middle of a forest if he could. But again, that doesn't work for me, I like to walk places etc...so we find common ground and compromise. I will say, though, even he would not willingly sign up for the commute you two have...that's just silly when you don't own your house. There are plenty of places in Arlington that are more cul-de-sac than, say, Courthouse.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be 100% compatible, but you do have to respect your partner's likes/dislikes and make compromises for their happiness. Right now it sounds like you are living your DH's ideal, and that needs to change. Marriage counseling can help you talk this out, but the approach needs to be about finding ways to accommodate each other while still being different people.

I wish that people would actually read OP's responses. OP is NOT a social person...she wants to be social and expected her DH to help her along that path. This is NOT the case of an extrovert (OP) marrying an introvert. In OP's own words, she is a (formerly) socially awkward introvert who married a former extrovert who she thought would help her transform into an extrovert. There's no bargain that her DH didn't hold up. He never promised that he would introduce her to the glamorous life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few issues going on here, but the commute is definitely a contributing factor to making it worse.

I totally understand being more social than your spouse...that can be challenging. But marriage is a compromise, and at least as you describe it your DH is not holding up his side of the bargain. I'm more social than DH, but he understands that and extends himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy. I also do more socializing alone, and that's also part of our compromise.

DH is also more of a "country" person who would choose to live in the middle of a forest if he could. But again, that doesn't work for me, I like to walk places etc...so we find common ground and compromise. I will say, though, even he would not willingly sign up for the commute you two have...that's just silly when you don't own your house. There are plenty of places in Arlington that are more cul-de-sac than, say, Courthouse.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be 100% compatible, but you do have to respect your partner's likes/dislikes and make compromises for their happiness. Right now it sounds like you are living your DH's ideal, and that needs to change. Marriage counseling can help you talk this out, but the approach needs to be about finding ways to accommodate each other while still being different people.

I wish that people would actually read OP's responses. OP is NOT a social person...she wants to be social and expected her DH to help her along that path. This is NOT the case of an extrovert (OP) marrying an introvert. In OP's own words, she is a (formerly) socially awkward introvert who married a former extrovert who she thought would help her transform into an extrovert. There's no bargain that her DH didn't hold up. He never promised that he would introduce her to the glamorous life.

I did read the comments...and one of OP's beefs is that her DH never wants to go out and try to make new friends. Whatever their levels of social success in the past, that is an indication that today OP wants to be more social than her DH. And my response is that sometimes he does need to go out with her, but also that she needs to socialize on her own. Whether she's good at socializing is irrelevant, she needs space to try and their current lifestyle doesn't make that easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few issues going on here, but the commute is definitely a contributing factor to making it worse.

I totally understand being more social than your spouse...that can be challenging. But marriage is a compromise, and at least as you describe it your DH is not holding up his side of the bargain. I'm more social than DH, but he understands that and extends himself outside of his comfort zone to make me happy. I also do more socializing alone, and that's also part of our compromise.

DH is also more of a "country" person who would choose to live in the middle of a forest if he could. But again, that doesn't work for me, I like to walk places etc...so we find common ground and compromise. I will say, though, even he would not willingly sign up for the commute you two have...that's just silly when you don't own your house. There are plenty of places in Arlington that are more cul-de-sac than, say, Courthouse.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be 100% compatible, but you do have to respect your partner's likes/dislikes and make compromises for their happiness. Right now it sounds like you are living your DH's ideal, and that needs to change. Marriage counseling can help you talk this out, but the approach needs to be about finding ways to accommodate each other while still being different people.

I wish that people would actually read OP's responses. OP is NOT a social person...she wants to be social and expected her DH to help her along that path. This is NOT the case of an extrovert (OP) marrying an introvert. In OP's own words, she is a (formerly) socially awkward introvert who married a former extrovert who she thought would help her transform into an extrovert. There's no bargain that her DH didn't hold up. He never promised that he would introduce her to the glamorous life.

I did read the comments...and one of OP's beefs is that her DH never wants to go out and try to make new friends. Whatever their levels of social success in the past, that is an indication that today OP wants to be more social than her DH. And my response is that sometimes he does need to go out with her, but also that she needs to socialize on her own. Whether she's good at socializing is irrelevant, she needs space to try and their current lifestyle doesn't make that easy.

This is OP. I agree with this. I'm not saying my dh should take me to a nice gala every night. I'd just like to live somewhere where I can walk to a bar or a restaurant and be able to meet my work friends after work or walk to a bare class.

Right now I get home at 8pm drained and have no where to go out there except the apartment gym.my current living situation isn't helping my desire to be more social.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need new jobs

[Anonymous]

OP, you're just so much better and cooler than your wet blanket of a husband. Go and ditch him now and party it up.

[Anonymous]

I guess there are no rentals at all in Old Town Fairfax, Reston, or places that won't give your DH the heebie-jeebies and are acceptably cool for you.

In all seriousness refusing to take Metro is really hobbling you and why is that such a more serious wish/desire than your husband's desire to NOT live in the city, where let's face it, crime is higher and costs higher even if you won't get attacked randomly by MS-13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess there are no rentals at all in Old Town Fairfax, Reston, or places that won't give your DH the heebie-jeebies and are acceptably cool for you.

In all seriousness refusing to take Metro is really hobbling you and why is that such a more serious wish/desire than your husband's desire to NOT live in the city, where let's face it, crime is higher and costs higher even if you won't get attacked randomly by MS-13.

But even on metro their commutes would be really long...there are many places between where they are and DC. OP is suggesting they live in one of them, and that seems pretty reasonable to me. Changing jobs so you can stay in a rental apartment that one member of the ocuple doesn't even like is crazy.