My husband left today. Tell me I'm better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 9 years, have a 4 and a 1 year old. Over the summer, he told me he had an affair for 2 years, during which time I was pregnant and birthed #2. The next day, he said he wanted to stay in the marriage and work it out. A week later, he called from work and said, "I love her. I'm not coming home." Later that night, he came back begging forgiveness. I took him back. We went into counseling right away, which led to him alone seeing several top psychologists and psychiatrists for many issues. He was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago. A week ago, he announced he is not bipolar and he is not taking his meds anymore. He quit them cold turkey even though I urged him to wean under the guidance of his psychiatrist. He called his AP last week to "see if she was happy". She said he lost her job, is not seeing anyone and wants him back. He tells me he feels he has to leave our marriage or he'll kill himself. I think this is definitely a manipulation. His AP gave him an STD. Back when he discovered it, he was furious. He is still being treated for it. Now he says he doesn't care. He told me "there's so much I don't understand" about him. I said, like what and he said, like he smokes pot with her. (He had never done a drug before in his life; I did a little pot as a teen.) He was also with AP during a several week period when my younger kid was in the ped ICU and I was at my kid's bedside day and night. He has no shame, no sense of responsibility. He focuses on games and screens a lot, is not present with his kids like he should be. Before the bipolar diagnosis, he could be very cold to me when he was in a bad mood as I walked on eggshells. The meds seemed to be helping, but he had no patience to figure out the right regimen.

We used to have the same values, supposedly. When we got married he said that he had heard something he thought was really true: that divorce is not an option, you stay and work on a marriage even if you love someone else more. We have two kids together, I'm a great mom and I'm just one of those people who's really and sweet and easy. We agreed we'd never divorce, we'd always work it out. Since the summer, I have been working so hard to forgive him and rebuild trust. Sometimes he seemed indifferent, other times he was warm. I thought it was him adjusting to meds. My family is wonderful and they had welcomed him with open arms. Now they say good riddance and want to wrap me and my kids in tons of love and support. They are the best. He says (now) that he won't fight me on anything. I can completely have the kids and he will see them when I say he can. Money will be beyond tight but my wonderful family will help us.

Please don't be mean. I am scared and devastated. Any words of support? Anyone BTDT? Also, does anyone have tips for what to say to my 4 year old who adores their daddy? Thank you.

He is not well at all! It sounds like he has just come unglued from a combination of mental illness and the effects of various medications.
How is he even going to work and functioning? I'm so sorry this has to be really hard for you.
He doesn't need the AP - that's just making him wackier.

I would be nice to him to relax him but get a lawyer very soon to help protect your family's interests.

Absolutely no one should be mean to you - holy cow this is a lot to deal with.
Absolutely none of it has much to do with yourself or your kids.
I would tell your daughter that daddy isn't feeling well but that you hope that he will feel a bit better soon.
Of course it wouldn't be great if she repeated this to him? What do you say to a 4 year old?!
I babysat for a family of 5 as a kid and the dad left and the kids all said that 'daddy was away on business'.
It doesn't get less involved than that.

So sorry

[Anonymous]

You are better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are so much better off without him. I read that and just cringed - he is not worth it, and it sounds like you have done more than your part in trying to work this out. Be strong.

plus 1 million

[Anonymous]

OP, I know this is devastating now but would you really have married him if you knew he will become unhinged like this? Yes, you and the kids are better off without him. No woman deserves this and smart woman knows not to take him back.

He sounds like Katharine Graham's husband before he imploded. Really messed up.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes, with a bipolar man, and yes, my dear, you are better off without him. Make sure you have full custody and that his instability is documented. Get everything in writing NOW, while he's in this frame of mind, and is willing to let go of the kids. You don't want him to shift mood and give you any trouble over the kids. It's very important to make things stable for them. Even if he wanted to be with you, it should be a deal breaker that he won't stay on meds and work hard at getting more stable. I would not accept it. You suffer, but think what your kids go through being around this. You will survive. Call on everyone around you for help.

[Anonymous]

Please make time for this, OP:

https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Family-to-Family

[Anonymous]

OP, it is rare that there is such a consensus on DCUM. If this many people are telling you you're so much better without him, you should believe it. You'll be perfectly fine. It might take a little while, but you'll get there. There is zero chance life with him would have a happy ending, so you're lucky he left.

[Anonymous]

OP, wow, I am so sorry for you. This happened to me. In a very similar manner. My ex had an affair for about a year and decided to leave me, but it was a crazy back and forth of emotions for him. First he wanted to save the marriage, then he couldn't stay married, etc. etc. His affair partner dumped him and he was completely devastated.

He was also bipolar (undiagnosed while all the craziness was going on). He also stopped taking any meds and refused to get help. He doesn't think he is bipolar. I now can see looking back how erratic his behavior was. But, at the time, I was so used to it that it didn't really faze me. My life was so chaotic, but it seemed normal that way to me after 20 years of marriage to him.

I did not take him back. I knew that I didn't have it in me to trust him ever again. I learned about so many other secrets as well (spending huge amounts on strippers, lying about travel, etc).

I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW! Life is not necessarily easier; I have financial stress -- but it is oh so worth it. Life has a calmness and serenity that was completely lacking before.

The truth for me was that the divorce process was awful. It was really hard to get up everyday and see what crazy thing he had done or was threatening to do (spend all our assets, move to India and live in an Ashram, buy property in Florida and then declare bankruptcy). Divorce is hard. Divorce with an unmedicated bipolar spouse is hell. So hang in there for that.

After the divorce, life is good. Really good. My kids are doing really well. They still have a relationship with their dad (he only sees them about one day a month). It it not ideal, but that all the time he will make for the kids. He's remarried and has a new family. I wasn't jealous at all. I figure that his new wife probably adds some stability to his crazy life.

I have a freedom and happiness now that I never expected. There are times that I miss being married and having a best friend in my spouse -- but out marriage hadn't been that way for the last 5 years anyway.

OP -- there is life after this! Hang in there. You will thrive. You will surprise yourself with your strength.

[Anonymous]

OP - You have gotten sound advice. You have a lot coming down on you so if you have not been seeing a therapist yourself, get one to give you professional support while you navigate these hard waters ahead because without his meds DH might be very nice and considerate one moment and then railing the next. Besides going to see a lawyer, you need to look at your finances and if you have access to accounts take at least half out into a separate account now to cover expenses that you and the children will need. In other threads, some have said to keep track of expenses so not sure what to say. If you do not have one establish a credit card in your name only. Also, watch your credit cards on line so if you see him doing anything out of the ordinary you will know. I have no idea, but maybe others can say if you can shut down a joint credit card? You may need to see a financial adviser if your finances are complicated or on how to limit any debt he might rack up.

You have given it the best shot with the counseling and being flexible with him. If he can't admit to his mental illness, there is little chance for positive change, and he does not even have close attachment to his children. You are doing right by taking a neutral path with your children and their Dad, but you will have to consider how visit should go as they are very young and with bipolar there maybe real mood swings not always predictable.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, as long as you are still married, any bad credit that he has will affect you.

There are two sides to shutting down the joint cards. First, it is much easier to prove that it was his spending that was crazy and you can break down his spending easier if you go to trial. But, ultimately, you are still responsible for the "joint" debt.

On the other hand, if you are still on the same credit card, you can track his spending and keep copies of the credit card bills. If he has his own cards, you won't see what is being charged until you subpoena his statements.

Agree with the others, though, you should open an account in only your name. I couldn't get a good rate on a mortgage when I was divorced because of all the non payments on HIS credit cards while we were separated. It took me two years to get my credit score up high enough to get a good mortgage rate.

I will say, though, that when the underwriters asked about the non-payments, etc.; I said that my ex had been responsible for those accounts and that he wasn't paying. They were fine in accepting that as an answer. Gave me zero trouble about that as they could see that my own payments were impeccable.

[Anonymous]

OP, He will want to come back and I beg you to say NO. So not give I. To his guilting you or any promises he makes. You have mad the break and you do not want to go backward. Good luck. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, much love your way. I'm so sorry.

Yes. You are better off. He is not well and isn't taking care of himself. You can't do it for him. You can't. I promise.

[Anonymous]

Wow......your heart and head have to be swirling with all of the challenges in the last year. You stated you valued marriage and would be together through all things when you first were married. What vision and value do you place on marriage even when it is hard? What help outside of family and social media have you continued to use through these turbulent times? A counselor who shares your vision and values with experience with bipolar disorders may be able to help you navigate the storm more effectively and from a neutral perspective. Search your heart and use your resources to provide your child with information that helps them grow and learn through this time. My thoughts are with you.........as you continue this journey and navigate the storm.

[Anonymous]

OP, your decision to leave your husband is the right one, for both you and your kids. You have been through hell and you sound like someone who will land on her feet, especially with your supportive and loving family. One piece of advice I wanted to offer as someone who chose to take the same route after struggling with a partner with mental illness -- in my case, severe ADHD and borderline personality disorder -- is to stay strong and resolute through the worst of it, which starts today. He may beg for you to take him back, threaten to commit suicide, decide that he wants primary custody of the kids, turn you into the bad parent, and other exhibit other behaviors you may not predict. Don't give in, stay focused on the goal, which is to get as much time as possible with your children, listen to your lawyer, and know that things will be better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. For a quick update, I have met with a highly competent lawyer and we're preparing to draft a Separation Agreement. My family has been helping out with the kids a lot. My in-laws could not be more heartbroken, have offered financial support, and let me know that they will always support me having full custody-- which is obviously what I care most about.

Thank all of you who took the time to post, to provide comfort to a hurting stranger who really needed it. I will look to this thread later for strength. I hope that if you're ever in a tough time, you will receive the amazing kindness that did.