My husband left today. Tell me I'm better off without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. For a quick update, I have met with a highly competent lawyer and we're preparing to draft a Separation Agreement. My family has been helping out with the kids a lot. My in-laws could not be more heartbroken, have offered financial support, and let me know that they will always support me having full custody-- which is obviously what I care most about.

Thank all of you who took the time to post, to provide comfort to a hurting stranger who really needed it. I will look to this thread later for strength. I hope that if you're ever in a tough time, you will receive the amazing kindness that did.

Thank you for the update, I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you have so much support and access to a good attorney. Transitions are always difficult, and this one more than most, but truly this is the change that is going to lead you into a joyful and fulfilling life. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Best of luck OP. This is going to turn out for the best.

For what little it is worth, my MIL is, we're pretty sure, undiagnosed bipolar, and she raised him. Holy hell was that fucked up. Whatever her illness, MIL is, I think, a fundamentally decent and kind person but just a disaster of a mother because she never took care of herself. DH has so many issues as a result. These days, DH has pretty much forgiven her, but will probably never forgive his dad, who suffers from no apparent mental illness and yet let a deranged woman raise his son as primary caregiver.

Your not-do-dear spouse does not seem to have my MIL's redeeming qualities of kindness, empathy and decency. You and your kids are better off separate from him. He'll always be their dad but they'll learn how to deal with him better at arms length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been married for 9 years, have a 4 and a 1 year old. Over the summer, he told me he had an affair for 2 years, during which time I was pregnant and birthed #2. The next day, he said he wanted to stay in the marriage and work it out. A week later, he called from work and said, "I love her. I'm not coming home." Later that night, he came back begging forgiveness. I took him back. We went into counseling right away, which led to him alone seeing several top psychologists and psychiatrists for many issues. He was diagnosed as bipolar a few months ago. A week ago, he announced he is not bipolar and he is not taking his meds anymore. He quit them cold turkey even though I urged him to wean under the guidance of his psychiatrist. He called his AP last week to "see if she was happy". She said he lost her job, is not seeing anyone and wants him back. He tells me he feels he has to leave our marriage or he'll kill himself. I think this is definitely a manipulation. His AP gave him an STD. Back when he discovered it, he was furious. He is still being treated for it. Now he says he doesn't care. He told me "there's so much I don't understand" about him. I said, like what and he said, like he smokes pot with her. (He had never done a drug before in his life; I did a little pot as a teen.) He was also with AP during a several week period when my younger kid was in the ped ICU and I was at my kid's bedside day and night. He has no shame, no sense of responsibility. He focuses on games and screens a lot, is not present with his kids like he should be. Before the bipolar diagnosis, he could be very cold to me when he was in a bad mood as I walked on eggshells. The meds seemed to be helping, but he had no patience to figure out the right regimen.

We used to have the same values, supposedly. When we got married he said that he had heard something he thought was really true: that divorce is not an option, you stay and work on a marriage even if you love someone else more. We have two kids together, I'm a great mom and I'm just one of those people who's really and sweet and easy. We agreed we'd never divorce, we'd always work it out. Since the summer, I have been working so hard to forgive him and rebuild trust. Sometimes he seemed indifferent, other times he was warm. I thought it was him adjusting to meds. My family is wonderful and they had welcomed him with open arms. Now they say good riddance and want to wrap me and my kids in tons of love and support. They are the best. He says (now) that he won't fight me on anything. I can completely have the kids and he will see them when I say he can. Money will be beyond tight but my wonderful family will help us.

Please don't be mean. I am scared and devastated. Any words of support? Anyone BTDT? Also, does anyone have tips for what to say to my 4 year old who adores their daddy? Thank you.

He is bipolar and refuses to take his meds? You are 1000% better off without him. He's a hot mess and he is going to stay that way. You don't need that in your life.

Please get a good lawyer and fight for supervised visitation for your children. If he is not on meds, he should not be visiting with the children with no one there to supervise.