What Say You?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's call, OP. Why are YOU trying to manage HIS family relationships and obligations?

Cat got your tongue, OP?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

Well, you're not teaching her to be responsible. Is that what you want?

No, it is not what I want. I believe I am teaching her responsibility in lots of other ways. I think I am also teaching her to value relationships, and at this young age I think I have struck the right balance for my child.

For what it is worth, I was asking a sincere question to see what other parents do.

I understand, and you got a sincere answer.

[Anonymous]

I understand you're upset with MIL and don't want to lose credibility with the coach.

I think your plan is the right one, OP.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add other than can't wait for summer! Winter blues are evident all over the forum.

[Anonymous]

If your FIL was to drop dead a week later, would your son be happy he blew off the first part of his grandfather's 75th birthday party to go to a game?

I am sympathetic to you, OP, and I think your MIL sounds like an annoying piece of work. But there is middle school sports and then there are old people who love your family and will die soon.

You and your son can go to the game late and you can make your point to MIL and teach your son about honoring his commitments, etc. etc. etc. But there are other life lessons to learn too. I'd hold my nose, tell both my son and my coach that I am sorry to be subject to such flakeyness, and go the party. Smiling. On time. With a present for your poor FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your FIL was to drop dead a week later, would your son be happy he blew off the first part of his grandfather's 75th birthday party to go to a game?

I am sympathetic to you, OP, and I think your MIL sounds like an annoying piece of work. But there is middle school sports and then there are old people who love your family and will die soon.

You and your son can go to the game late and you can make your point to MIL and teach your son about honoring his commitments, etc. etc. etc. But there are other life lessons to learn too. I'd hold my nose, tell both my son and my coach that I am sorry to be subject to such flakeyness, and go the party. Smiling. On time. With a present for your poor FIL.

There is no need to play the guilt card on OP! Grow up already!

[Anonymous]

What does your son want to do?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Send DH (and any other kids) to game-you and son go late to party. I agree with you-you honored DH family but then they canceled and now you ought to honor the commitment owed to team. I would ask coach if it would truly be an issue and if not then sure - go to party.

I think the cancellation issue is making things unnecessarily confused. How about thinking of it this way: Pretend MIL called DH today for the absolute first time and said, "I know it is last minute, but I am pulling together a celebration for Grandpa's 75th. BIL has agreed to come in from out of town and some other family is also coming. Can you and your family make it?"

Would you hesitate? Or would you simply call the coach and say he is going to have to miss this game for a family event?

The cancellation is absolutely relevant. You cannot just say ' pretend this part did not happen' -- da hell ?!
Because of the back and forth OP has had to back out of her kid's committment 2 times at this point.
I would go to the game with the son and meet up with everyone else at the party -- later!!

One time. She notified the coach one time that her son would miss the game.
I guess people just place different value on extended family and family events. Go with your values I guess, OP. Just be careful that it is really about honoring commitments and not feeling spiteful toward MIL.

I hate those kind of insults -- the unnecessary moral superiority is not a good look pp.
I'm not the OP by the way...just the poster to whom you are responding

1) I place a lot of value on family. I hate to break the news but lots of people value family and do not do things exactly as you would.

2) she told the coach -- not coming
she told the coach -- coming
Now she would tell the coach not coming again
That is 3 times -- do the math

3) There is nothing wrong with them coming late to the event, if MIL was able to waffle about when to have it, then it should not be a big deal.

4) I happen to have very understanding inlaws, folks who actually understand and work with one another and would not blink at the compromise of us coming a bit later

I'm the PP you are quoting.

First, i didn't intend anything as an insult. I didn't say that some people place NO value on family and others do. I think I was just observing that some people place more value on family than others. Not a judgment. I think we can all agree that is true? Some people would drop everything at a moments notice to help a family member, to the detriment of themselves and immediate family. Other people don't see extended family as family at all. It is a spectrum, and people should make decision based on where their values lie.

Second, the poster I was responding to said that OP "has had to back out on commitment two times at this point." It has not happened two times (or three, as you say). It has happened once.

Finally, as to the compromise. Maybe so. But the fact that they were originally going to go on time and have now changed that could upset a FIL. If this is really a middle school game 15 minutes away starting at the same time as the event, it seems more likely to me that they will miss half the dinner?

You need to look up the definition of judgement. SMDH!!! Seriously, you think from this situation and people's responses you can sit at your keyboard and determine how much other people value family? You are a very un-self aware piece of work. Just so we are clear, a lot of people love, value, and cherish family, immediate and extended, they would move heaven and earth for them and in this circumstance see no problem in going to the dinner later.
Still SMDH!!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

For us it would depend on the importance and urgency of the other event. When you commit to something, you tell a coach and other team members that you are going to be a part of something for a season, it's pretty piss poor to just show up when you want. You are the other team parent that pisses everyone else off.
Does stuff come up, sure, and sometimes you have to miss a game or practice, but not for every other opportunity that sounds like more fun.
I'm not speaking to OP's situation, just answering the pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP, your husband and other kids can be on time for the party and you and your son go to the game and show up a bit later.

I'm with you as well, OP, and would do this.

That's what I would do, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

My kid would attend a game:
Friend's birthday party? Yes.
Wedding? Depends on whose wedding.
Grandparent's birthday? Depends. If there was a big reunion-type party, she might skip, but if it was just their birthday and we could see them at another time, she'd go to her game.
Fun family getaway? Absolutely.

When you sign up for a team sport, you agree to be part of a team. That means showing up when you said you would, not just when you don't have anything better to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's call, OP. Why are YOU trying to manage HIS family relationships and obligations?

Cat got your tongue, OP?

Why have you inserted yourself into this, OP? Does your husband not manage his own family relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's call, OP. Why are YOU trying to manage HIS family relationships and obligations?

Cat got your tongue, OP?

Um, no, forgive me for not sitting around awaiting your comment. I'm not trying to manage my husband's family relationships and obligations, but rather my son's and my own, which I have every right to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's call, OP. Why are YOU trying to manage HIS family relationships and obligations?

Cat got your tongue, OP?

Why have you inserted yourself into this, OP? Does your husband not manage his own family relationships?

My husband does a poor job of managing his own family relationships, but that's besides the point in this situation where my children and I are directly impacted by the situation. It isn't as if I'm saying that DH can't or shouldn't attend the party. I'm not sure what's hard to understand about the fact that there aren't just implications for DH here, so I'll "insert" myself wherever and whenever there are implications for my children or me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your FIL was to drop dead a week later, would your son be happy he blew off the first part of his grandfather's 75th birthday party to go to a game?

I am sympathetic to you, OP, and I think your MIL sounds like an annoying piece of work. But there is middle school sports and then there are old people who love your family and will die soon.

You and your son can go to the game late and you can make your point to MIL and teach your son about honoring his commitments, etc. etc. etc. But there are other life lessons to learn too. I'd hold my nose, tell both my son and my coach that I am sorry to be subject to such flakeyness, and go the party. Smiling. On time. With a present for your poor FIL.

Oh please, first off, FIL is no victim. He's happy to play the "nice guy" in the relationship and smile and nod his head to keep the peace. That's his right, but he's not a victim by any stretch. If my FIL were to drop dead at any time, I'm quite sure my son would be sad, but he wouldn't feel guilty for not seeing him that one particular time. And, I already bought FIL a tablet, a card, and a tablet photo case with a picture of the kids on it. DH doesn't "handle" that stuff.