What Say You?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your son want to do?

He's pretty easy-going and will do whatever without an issue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

Well, you're not teaching her to be responsible. Is that what you want?

No, it is not what I want. I believe I am teaching her responsibility in lots of other ways. I think I am also teaching her to value relationships, and at this young age I think I have struck the right balance for my child.

For what it is worth, I was asking a sincere question to see what other parents do.

OP here-I think every family has to find the right balance for their family and child/children. There are many "right" ways to approach it all. Two of my sons have chosen to play travel sports, which are more competitive and more of a commitment, so that commitment is a bit weightier in my mind because they wanted to take it on. We felt the same way with my oldest son who sang in a Children's Chorus. In this case, it isn't even just about the fact that it's a game, it's just that we said our son would be there and now just a few days out, we're changing that. As I said originally, there was no question at all when the party was originally scheduled that my son would miss the game; it was just after the party was cancelled and we said he'd be there that there's an issue.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

For us it would depend on the importance and urgency of the other event. When you commit to something, you tell a coach and other team members that you are going to be a part of something for a season, it's pretty piss poor to just show up when you want. You are the other team parent that pisses everyone else off.
Does stuff come up, sure, and sometimes you have to miss a game or practice, but not for every other opportunity that sounds like more fun.
I'm not speaking to OP's situation, just answering the pp.

I agree with you more so when it's a travel team or other activity where kids are "chosen" to participate and have made a bigger commitment because presumably some other kid didn't make the team and won't have the opportunity to play. I don't care if my kids never want to play travel sports again, but if they do take that on, they need to live up to the expectations of being part of that kind of team.

[Anonymous]

You either value your FIL more or your son's sport team more.

Which is it?

[Anonymous]

The back and forth would make me mad too and the kid would go to the game, or at least half. I'd try and arrange for another parent to drop him off at the dinner and then I'd go to that with the rest of the family. If I couldn't, I'd call the coach and explain what happened, ask if my kid was even going to play that night, and tell him we could make the first half and have to leave. If he said my kid wasn't starting or wasn't playing, I wouldn't waste my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The back and forth would make me mad too and the kid would go to the game, or at least half. I'd try and arrange for another parent to drop him off at the dinner and then I'd go to that with the rest of the family. If I couldn't, I'd call the coach and explain what happened, ask if my kid was even going to play that night, and tell him we could make the first half and have to leave. If he said my kid wasn't starting or wasn't playing, I wouldn't waste my time.

+!

[Anonymous]

So OP, what did you and your husband decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Honor the commitment to the team. Your MIL chose to be wishy-washy and you made a new plan in accordance with her cancellation. One should not ditch a commitment because something better came along. Instead, your solution of playing part of the game and attending the event is a perfect compromise.

[Anonymous]

Yes your MIL is annoying (I know you are waiting to hear this) and yes you should probably just cancel for your son again, apologizing profusely to the coach and go to the dinner. If this is something MIL does all the time (changing plans last minute etc) your DH should speak up to her and you should make some limits. If it's a one time thing..I say just grin and go with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honor the commitment to the team. Your MIL chose to be wishy-washy and you made a new plan in accordance with her cancellation. One should not ditch a commitment because something better came along. Instead, your solution of playing part of the game and attending the event is a perfect compromise.

I still do not understand this reasoning. The son ALWAYS had a commitment to play in the game. They "ditched the commitment" when the party was first scheduled, so why dos it become wrong to do it a second time?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Honor the commitment to the team. Your MIL chose to be wishy-washy and you made a new plan in accordance with her cancellation. One should not ditch a commitment because something better came along. Instead, your solution of playing part of the game and attending the event is a perfect compromise.

I still do not understand this reasoning. The son ALWAYS had a commitment to play in the game. They "ditched the commitment" when the party was first scheduled, so why dos it become wrong to do it a second time?

Are you being stupid on purpose?
You can't see the difference between having to ditch a commitment on a one time basis and going back-and-forth and doing it more than once you really can't see the difference?

[Anonymous]

gosh, I dunno, I can see your frustration, but it seems to me like you have more in common with your MIL than you probably like to admit. both of you seem pretty rigid in your thinking....her in just assuming everyone will drop everything for her, you assuming that your "one must keep one's commitments" attitude is superior to other values, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:gosh, I dunno, I can see your frustration, but it seems to me like you have more in common with your MIL than you probably like to admit. both of you seem pretty rigid in your thinking....her in just assuming everyone will drop everything for her, you assuming that your "one must keep one's commitments" attitude is superior to other values, etc.

I'll use? What other values how is that making it more poor than another value it's a matter of OPH want to figure out how to do two important things

[Anonymous]

I think too many posters are being overly harsh with OP. I think she has a valid point due to the flip flopping of the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Honor the commitment to the team. Your MIL chose to be wishy-washy and you made a new plan in accordance with her cancellation. One should not ditch a commitment because something better came along. Instead, your solution of playing part of the game and attending the event is a perfect compromise.

I still do not understand this reasoning. The son ALWAYS had a commitment to play in the game. They "ditched the commitment" when the party was first scheduled, so why dos it become wrong to do it a second time?

Are you being stupid on purpose?
You can't see the difference between having to ditch a commitment on a one time basis and going back-and-forth and doing it more than once you really can't see the difference?

I am the PP you are responding to. That was my point. This is not about a the value in honoring every commitment made. It is about not backing out on that commitment TWICE. I just think it helps to be clear. (Though personally, I still think it has a lot to do with being justifiably annoyed with MIL and trying to turn it into a moral/ethics issue.)