What Say You?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP, your husband and other kids can be on time for the party and you and your son go to the game and show up a bit later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP, your husband and other kids can be on time for the party and you and your son go to the game and show up a bit later.

I'm with you as well, OP, and would do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send DH (and any other kids) to game-you and son go late to party. I agree with you-you honored DH family but then they canceled and now you ought to honor the commitment owed to team. I would ask coach if it would truly be an issue and if not then sure - go to party.

I think the cancellation issue is making things unnecessarily confused. How about thinking of it this way: Pretend MIL called DH today for the absolute first time and said, "I know it is last minute, but I am pulling together a celebration for Grandpa's 75th. BIL has agreed to come in from out of town and some other family is also coming. Can you and your family make it?"

Would you hesitate? Or would you simply call the coach and say he is going to have to miss this game for a family event?

The cancellation is absolutely relevant. You cannot just say ' pretend this part did not happen' -- da hell ?!
Because of the back and forth OP has had to back out of her kid's committment 2 times at this point.
I would go to the game with the son and meet up with everyone else at the party -- later!!

One time. She notified the coach one time that her son would miss the game.
I guess people just place different value on extended family and family events. Go with your values I guess, OP. Just be careful that it is really about honoring commitments and not feeling spiteful toward MIL.

I hate those kind of insults -- the unnecessary moral superiority is not a good look pp.
I'm not the OP by the way...just the poster to whom you are responding

1) I place a lot of value on family. I hate to break the news but lots of people value family and do not do things exactly as you would.

2) she told the coach -- not coming
she told the coach -- coming
Now she would tell the coach not coming again
That is 3 times -- do the math

3) There is nothing wrong with them coming late to the event, if MIL was able to waffle about when to have it, then it should not be a big deal.

4) I happen to have very understanding inlaws, folks who actually understand and work with one another and would not blink at the compromise of us coming a bit later

I'm the PP you are quoting.

First, i didn't intend anything as an insult. I didn't say that some people place NO value on family and others do. I think I was just observing that some people place more value on family than others. Not a judgment. I think we can all agree that is true? Some people would drop everything at a moments notice to help a family member, to the detriment of themselves and immediate family. Other people don't see extended family as family at all. It is a spectrum, and people should make decision based on where their values lie.

Second, the poster I was responding to said that OP "has had to back out on commitment two times at this point." It has not happened two times (or three, as you say). It has happened once.

Finally, as to the compromise. Maybe so. But the fact that they were originally going to go on time and have now changed that could upset a FIL. If this is really a middle school game 15 minutes away starting at the same time as the event, it seems more likely to me that they will miss half the dinner?

[Anonymous]

It's your husband's call, OP. Why are YOU trying to manage HIS family relationships and obligations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

I am genuinely having trouble following this reasoning. MIL was annoying, yes. MIL bad bad choices, yes. Somebody may want to even point that out to her so she can potentially learn from it.

But why does that affect whether everybody goes to a 75th birthday party? Did FIL do something wrong here, for which he needs to be punished or "shown the error of his ways"? The question comes down to whether it is too late to cancel on a middle schooler's committment to attend a sporting event. If OP thinks it is, fine. But the rest of it is really just about spite.

No. People have other commitments. MIL/FIL/everyone has to deal with that. When you cancel something, you cannot expect everyone to magically not have plans when you decide to reschedule it. I hate sports, but it sets a very bad example for the child to blow off his commitment because others could not get their act together.

He should go after his commitment is finished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs that you and DS should go to the game and DH/rest of kids should go to the party. You and DS can go to the party after the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

I am genuinely having trouble following this reasoning. MIL was annoying, yes. MIL bad bad choices, yes. Somebody may want to even point that out to her so she can potentially learn from it.

But why does that affect whether everybody goes to a 75th birthday party? Did FIL do something wrong here, for which he needs to be punished or "shown the error of his ways"? The question comes down to whether it is too late to cancel on a middle schooler's committment to attend a sporting event. If OP thinks it is, fine. But the rest of it is really just about spite.

No. People have other commitments. MIL/FIL/everyone has to deal with that. When you cancel something, you cannot expect everyone to magically not have plans when you decide to reschedule it. I hate sports, but it sets a very bad example for the child to blow off his commitment because others could not get their act together.

He should go after his commitment is finished.

I was responding to the poster who indicating that making a choice to go to the game was someone how all about making sure MIL knew she was to blame. I do understand the value of honoring commitments, and there is something to that. But OP already broke that commitment for this exact reason once before, so obviously honoring this commitment to go to the game is not the absolute highest priority. And I do not see how missing a sporting event to attend a grandparent's 75th birthday party sets a bad example. No need to fill him in on all the drama with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

I am genuinely having trouble following this reasoning. MIL was annoying, yes. MIL bad bad choices, yes. Somebody may want to even point that out to her so she can potentially learn from it.

But why does that affect whether everybody goes to a 75th birthday party? Did FIL do something wrong here, for which he needs to be punished or "shown the error of his ways"? The question comes down to whether it is too late to cancel on a middle schooler's committment to attend a sporting event. If OP thinks it is, fine. But the rest of it is really just about spite.

No. People have other commitments. MIL/FIL/everyone has to deal with that. When you cancel something, you cannot expect everyone to magically not have plans when you decide to reschedule it. I hate sports, but it sets a very bad example for the child to blow off his commitment because others could not get their act together.

He should go after his commitment is finished.

I was responding to the poster who indicating that making a choice to go to the game was someone how all about making sure MIL knew she was to blame. I do understand the value of honoring commitments, and there is something to that. But OP already broke that commitment for this exact reason once before, so obviously honoring this commitment to go to the game is not the absolute highest priority. And I do not see how missing a sporting event to attend a grandparent's 75th birthday party sets a bad example. No need to fill him in on all the drama with MIL.

It doesn't seem like you do. She said she gave lots of advance warning. To say he would actually be there, then cancel again in short notice, is not honoring a commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

I am genuinely having trouble following this reasoning. MIL was annoying, yes. MIL bad bad choices, yes. Somebody may want to even point that out to her so she can potentially learn from it.

But why does that affect whether everybody goes to a 75th birthday party? Did FIL do something wrong here, for which he needs to be punished or "shown the error of his ways"? The question comes down to whether it is too late to cancel on a middle schooler's committment to attend a sporting event. If OP thinks it is, fine. But the rest of it is really just about spite.

No. People have other commitments. MIL/FIL/everyone has to deal with that. When you cancel something, you cannot expect everyone to magically not have plans when you decide to reschedule it. I hate sports, but it sets a very bad example for the child to blow off his commitment because others could not get their act together.

He should go after his commitment is finished.

I was responding to the poster who indicating that making a choice to go to the game was someone how all about making sure MIL knew she was to blame. I do understand the value of honoring commitments, and there is something to that. But OP already broke that commitment for this exact reason once before, so obviously honoring this commitment to go to the game is not the absolute highest priority. And I do not see how missing a sporting event to attend a grandparent's 75th birthday party sets a bad example. No need to fill him in on all the drama with MIL.

It doesn't seem like you do. She said she gave lots of advance warning. To say he would actually be there, then cancel again in short notice, is not honoring a commitment.

I know the child would not be honoring his commitment to go to the game if he does not show up. But he wouldn't have been honoring his commitment if he didn't show up, even without the temporary cancellation of the birthday celebration. It may be about manners, as it is more polite to cancel on something with lots of notice. But OP already said the coach will not care. commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

I am genuinely having trouble following this reasoning. MIL was annoying, yes. MIL bad bad choices, yes. Somebody may want to even point that out to her so she can potentially learn from it.

But why does that affect whether everybody goes to a 75th birthday party? Did FIL do something wrong here, for which he needs to be punished or "shown the error of his ways"? The question comes down to whether it is too late to cancel on a middle schooler's committment to attend a sporting event. If OP thinks it is, fine. But the rest of it is really just about spite.

No. People have other commitments. MIL/FIL/everyone has to deal with that. When you cancel something, you cannot expect everyone to magically not have plans when you decide to reschedule it. I hate sports, but it sets a very bad example for the child to blow off his commitment because others could not get their act together.

He should go after his commitment is finished.

I was responding to the poster who indicating that making a choice to go to the game was someone how all about making sure MIL knew she was to blame. I do understand the value of honoring commitments, and there is something to that. But OP already broke that commitment for this exact reason once before, so obviously honoring this commitment to go to the game is not the absolute highest priority. And I do not see how missing a sporting event to attend a grandparent's 75th birthday party sets a bad example. No need to fill him in on all the drama with MIL.

It doesn't seem like you do. She said she gave lots of advance warning. To say he would actually be there, then cancel again in short notice, is not honoring a commitment.

I know the child would not be honoring his commitment to go to the game if he does not show up. But he wouldn't have been honoring his commitment if he didn't show up, even without the temporary cancellation of the birthday celebration. It may be about manners, as it is more polite to cancel on something with lots of notice. But OP already said the coach will not care. commitment.

What about personal commitment? Following through? Proving to be trustworthy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

Well, you're not teaching her to be responsible. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son would go to the game. I wouldn't put up with that BS from my MIL. If she made a peep, she would get a point by point description of how we got to the part where my son will be going to the game.

1. Party planned
2. We informed coach that kid would miss game.
3. You cancelled party for stupid reason
4. You vetoed alternate family get together proposal
5. We contacted coach and committed to game since family plans were *all* cancelled by *you*
6. You are the reason we are going to the game.

If my husband wished to attend the party, he could attend with our other kids and that would be ideal.

But this really isn't about her. The party is for the FIL.

No, really the party's about MIL; this is why MIL cancelled the party when HER cousin couldn't come. FIL goes with the path of least resistance.

To your son, the party is about his grandfather. And I believe that your MIL is flighty and self-centered on this point, but I have a hard time it doesn't mean a lot to your grandfather as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your husband's family. Go with the flow. It's a kid sport, not the NBA.

I agree with you completely up to the point that the party was cancelled and we then made the commitment for our son to now attend the game. It's the back and forth that I have the problem with. There was no question that our son would miss the game before the cancellation was made. Given that the team is small and we're less than a week out from the game, it does have an impact on the team and the coach. Since we can go to both the game and the party, I just believe we should honor the commitment we made after the party was cancelled.

I agree with you, OP.

Why is the impact on the team any greater now than it as when you first said you couldn't make it? I assume the team hasn't loss members since then? Did the coach have a set line-up already, and if so, would it be any harder to alter that line-up now than two weeks ago? Honest question. Maybe if they no longer have enough players, or if somebody else dropped out in reliance on your son being able to play, that would mean something. Otherwise, I am not seeing it?

The team is small and my son's a key player, so there's some planning on the coach's part, but that's not the main point for me. It's just rude, IMO, to keep going back and forth. We said we'd be there and now we should go.

I agree, OP. I think the solution that your husband and any other kids go to the party and you and your son meet them there later is a reasonable solution. While I value family A LOT , I also want my kids to see that it's important to keep commitments and not jerk other people around and that reasonable solutions can be found.

Honestly curious about this "honoring commitments" issue. Do most of you have your child attend sporting events because they have made a commitment to be there when there is a friend's birthday party? a wedding? another grandparent's birthday? the opportunity for a fun family getaway weekend? For my third grader's sports and other practices, we are pretty lenient about letting her miss for other activities. I'm wondering how far outside the norm we are?

Well, you're not teaching her to be responsible. Is that what you want?

No, it is not what I want. I believe I am teaching her responsibility in lots of other ways. I think I am also teaching her to value relationships, and at this young age I think I have struck the right balance for my child.

For what it is worth, I was asking a sincere question to see what other parents do.