My parents don't want to vacation with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the "fancy" aspect, this was my father.

He tried to tell me that he doesn't dislike any of us or anything (!) but that he raised me, and he has no interest in hanging out "watching us parent" little kids or, horrors, be asked to actually engage with the children in any way. He was a royal asshole and for years I thought my mother felt the same way because he always spoke for the two of them and I could never – literally never – see her alone.

Turns out that he was emotionally abusing her quite a bit and is himself almost a classic narcissistic personality type. We were forced to cut him off several years ago.

My mother miraculously separated from him a couple of years after that and is now free and much happier – and comes to see us frequently and whenever she feels like it, or we feel like it, and she enjoys herself immensely. My kids adore her. I didn't realize until I had kids of my own how much he emotionally abused me for years as well, and then when I saw the way he treated my first child as a toddler the one or two times every other year that he did deign to visit, I called an end to it immediately.

Some parents just don't want to be grandparents. FWIW, my dad went to work at 15 to support his mom and siblings and he felt like he never had any life of his own really – so as soon as his one kid was out of the nest, he decided his life was all his own now and he wasn't going to spend time with anyone unless it was spent sitting around talking about himself. It's sad, but there it is. I think he's off somewhere now traveling the continent in an RV, sucking off the government for unemployment, and reading a lot about conspiracy theories.

It's foul, it is just really is. You have my sympathy, OP, but in a way be glad your kids don't have to be around such selfish people.

I'm sorry, PP. My mom is a lot like this too, and her story sounds a lot like your dad's. She was responsible for others from a very early age. By the time I came along when she was 34, she was just OVER dependents (not sure why she had me then?). Actually, yes I am, it was to worship her and make her feel great about herself. Too bad that didn't work out.

Thanks for saying that – the above portion was my post. That's actually a really good way of putting it. My dad only allowed my mom to have one child – me – and he was great with me apparently when I was a baby, but once I began walking and talking and having opinions (and a lot of my mother's attention), he didn't like that. He was never physically abusive, but mean and manipulative, and I do think he wanted a child that would make him feel important AND important in the eyes of other people. Every accomplishment I ever earned he flaunted to everyone he could as it being HIS accomplishment. He ended up getting what he deserved, thankfully.

Wow. This is my story, too. Sad but comforting in a way to know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like on this thread the word "selfish" means "won't do what I want them to do."

OP's parents already raised their kids. They're past the beach vacation with little kids phase and don't care to return to it.

Saying that's not a choice they can make sounds pretty freaking entitled.

No one is saying it's not a choice they can make. But many people think it's a sad and yes a selfish choice because vacations are one of the only realistic times it's possible spend time with grandkids unless grandparents are local.

You can choose to be selfish, but you can't do whatever you want and force people not to have opinions about it.

See if you can do a long weekend together. Maybe stay in separate hotel rooms. That way they have their space and you have yours. And no one is stuck babysitting or cooking/cleaning/entertaining when they don't feel like it. Focus on having a fun time when you do see each other. But don't force everyone to spend every waking moment together.

It should be a *vacation* for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the "fancy" aspect, this was my father.

He tried to tell me that he doesn't dislike any of us or anything (!) but that he raised me, and he has no interest in hanging out "watching us parent" little kids or, horrors, be asked to actually engage with the children in any way. He was a royal asshole and for years I thought my mother felt the same way because he always spoke for the two of them and I could never – literally never – see her alone.

Turns out that he was emotionally abusing her quite a bit and is himself almost a classic narcissistic personality type. We were forced to cut him off several years ago.

My mother miraculously separated from him a couple of years after that and is now free and much happier – and comes to see us frequently and whenever she feels like it, or we feel like it, and she enjoys herself immensely. My kids adore her. I didn't realize until I had kids of my own how much he emotionally abused me for years as well, and then when I saw the way he treated my first child as a toddler the one or two times every other year that he did deign to visit, I called an end to it immediately.

Some parents just don't want to be grandparents. FWIW, my dad went to work at 15 to support his mom and siblings and he felt like he never had any life of his own really – so as soon as his one kid was out of the nest, he decided his life was all his own now and he wasn't going to spend time with anyone unless it was spent sitting around talking about himself. It's sad, but there it is. I think he's off somewhere now traveling the continent in an RV, sucking off the government for unemployment, and reading a lot about conspiracy theories.

It's foul, it is just really is. You have my sympathy, OP, but in a way be glad your kids don't have to be around such selfish people.

I'm sorry, PP. My mom is a lot like this too, and her story sounds a lot like your dad's. She was responsible for others from a very early age. By the time I came along when she was 34, she was just OVER dependents (not sure why she had me then?). Actually, yes I am, it was to worship her and make her feel great about herself. Too bad that didn't work out.

Thanks for saying that – the above portion was my post. That's actually a really good way of putting it. My dad only allowed my mom to have one child – me – and he was great with me apparently when I was a baby, but once I began walking and talking and having opinions (and a lot of my mother's attention), he didn't like that. He was never physically abusive, but mean and manipulative, and I do think he wanted a child that would make him feel important AND important in the eyes of other people. Every accomplishment I ever earned he flaunted to everyone he could as it being HIS accomplishment. He ended up getting what he deserved, thankfully.

Wow. This is my story, too. Sad but comforting in a way to know I'm not alone.

Another who can relate...this sounds a lot like my dad. I never thought of the taking care of yourself from a young age piece of things, and that makes a lot of sense. Sorry to hear so many of us have parents like this.

[Anonymous]

So often this boils down to adult kids expecting their parents to foot the bill for a family vacation AND watch the little ones while the adult "kids" go out to play. I can actually see why grandparents wouldn't be up for that. I really can.

These vacations never seem to turn out well on DCUM. Hell, people can barely get through the holidays with their in-laws on DCUM much less a week at the beach.

Focus on spending a long weekend together where everyone pays for their own accommodations and gets together to do things during the day. If it works out wonderfully, maybe the next year they can share a place for a long weekend.

[Anonymous]

Are your children well behaved? I hated being around one of my sisters and her children as they were whining, soiled brats and you couldn't have paid any family member to spend any time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a beach that has a Ritz.

Yep

[Anonymous]

If you have kids that are up all night, bored and don't seem to have a bedtime that would do me in. They might be precious, funny, intelligent..but if they are constantly underfoot, no down time. Ugh. That would get old.

You treating me as the hired help -babysitter, cook, housekeeper and rarely if ever pitching in yourself would get old in a hurry. This is my vacation, too.

Doesn't mean I don't love them. Just means that a long weekend in our own hotel rooms, where we could all keep to our own schedules and spend quality time (as opposed to ALL of our time) together would be so much more relaxing..

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of high end beach options that are kid friendly. In fact, my experience has been some of the higher end places are the most kid friendly. Seriously. Any Four Seasons anywhere comes to mind. If cost is not a factor for you, it sounds like there is more to this story. FWIW my in-laws didn't seem that into the grandkids when they were younger either. It was really more that they found them exhausting at a young age - and frankly at this point in their lives that is their prerogative. They have a wonderful interactive engaging relationship with my older DC who is now 5 and I see it starting with the younger one as well, now that being with the kids is more "fun" and less "work" (from a grandparent's perspective at any rate). You can't dictate how people spend their time and money - and you wouldn't like it if they tried to do the same to you. I think you just need to take it for what it is and do your best to foster the relationship. It either will be or it won't and one day the kids will be old enough to see it for what it is (whatever that ends up being).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The cost isn't a factor. Our kids are 12 months and 3. We go to the beach for vacations because it's the easiest and most child-friendly vacation that both our kids like. Usually beach towns don't have name brand hotels such as the "Ritz." We usually stay in nice but family friendly hotels. They do like the beach, that's not the issue. It's just that they don't want to vacation in non-fancy places. If they were willing to vacation with us it would be a great way for them to see the kids more because it's too hard to go and visit them since my husband doesn't get much vacation time.

I have this dream of the big, warm, loving family vacations where we rent a big house at the beach and spend a fun week together. Sadly, that kind of vacation will never happen, not with my family and not with DH's either.

OP, I am approaching 50 and the absolute last thing I would want to do is vacation with an infant and a toddler.

My kids are a comparable age to yours, OP, and I don't want to go on this vacation either. If you let them plan the vacation would they let you tag along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The cost isn't a factor. Our kids are 12 months and 3. We go to the beach for vacations because it's the easiest and most child-friendly vacation that both our kids like. Usually beach towns don't have name brand hotels such as the "Ritz." We usually stay in nice but family friendly hotels. They do like the beach, that's not the issue. It's just that they don't want to vacation in non-fancy places. If they were willing to vacation with us it would be a great way for them to see the kids more because it's too hard to go and visit them since my husband doesn't get much vacation time.

I have this dream of the big, warm, loving family vacations where we rent a big house at the beach and spend a fun week together. Sadly, that kind of vacation will never happen, not with my family and not with DH's either.

OP, I am approaching 50 and the absolute last thing I would want to do is vacation with an infant and a toddler.

My kids are a comparable age to yours, OP, and I don't want to go on this vacation either. If you let them plan the vacation would they let you tag along?

This. Let them pick the destination, plan it and you can get your own accommodations and meet up at times throughout the vacation. It sounds as though you are being reasonable Op and not expecting free childcare or for the in-laws to cook/clean for you. I am pushing 50 and I would totally be up for that. I would not be up for being playing the nanny/personal chef/housekeeper and sharing a dream house for a week together. haha. I guess I'm getting old and crotchety.

It could be that they just want to have fancy adult experiences and don't want to deal with kids - At All. Oh well. They would probably suck to vacation with anyway.

[Anonymous]

My own mom would stay in a brothel in vegas if it meant being with her kids for a week. Sorry yours suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own mom would stay in a brothel in vegas if it meant being with her kids for a week. Sorry yours suck.

+1!!!!

Why do people have kids if they hate them so much? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

PP again.

I just wanted to add that I think there is some good advice in this thread around arranging separate accommodations in the same location and not having the entire vacation joint.

Kids or no kids, most people find not having some personal freedom on vacations unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single aunt here- I don't want to vacation with my brothers kids either. That isn't a vacation, it's a week of them expected me to be a babysitter because they work so hard. Yeah I chose to be child free for a reason and have zero desire to go to OBX when I can be in Belize instead. I go home and visit very frequently (always me flying home, never ever them making an effort to visit me in 10 years) and when I'm home for my 3-5 days I love being an aunt and help out where ever and however I can. But no way am I going on screaming kid vacations to some place in a Carolina where I'm expected to babysit all week. Nope! I'll visit and love my nieces and nephews once a month (a 3 hr flight away) on my schedule. When I get two weeks off, I'm going on s safari. Not being cramped in your beach house from hell.

Preach it sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again.

I just wanted to add that I think there is some good advice in this thread around arranging separate accommodations in the same location and not having the entire vacation joint.

Kids or no kids, most people find not having some personal freedom on vacations unpleasant.

Exactly!