Parent subsidizing my sib big time but not me. Would you be ticked?

[Anonymous]

Unfair, and I'd be pissed. My cousins were in a somewhat similar situation, and the sister is still resentful that the brother has his needs met by mom and dad. She's been out of the house for years, married, doing rather well. He is a complete waste of skin. So it kind of makes sense that his mom supports him. While her daughter supports her. It's fucked.

Anyway, what caught my eye is your sis looking for a house in the 500K range. Even with a 50K downpayment this sounds like a stretch. But again, I hate the idea of being house poor, while others seem to be okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, op. Just wow. If I was your mom I would never give you another dime--before or after I die,

I hope you wouldn't expect OP to wipe your ass when you're old either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement on this thread is amazing. Who are you people that think other people's money is your own, even your parents?? Maybe they think, and did, mess up raising you to be entitled and are now choking back to teach you a well-needed lesson. Most of you cannot be real to be this entitled.

What I think is sad is the idea that to you, FAMILY is "other people."

I think parents should try to help their kids get started in life. I think parents should discourage dependency in their kids and draw a distinction between fostering dependency and giving a leg up. I believe these things as a kid and as a parent. There is no "entitlement" in that world view.

"Entitlement" is when you expect not to have to play your own role in the circle of life and just get to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Now this just pisses me off. As if OP's sister never made any choices. Or if she did, she somehow was not responsible for them. It was all somebody else's fault, while OP is expected to be responsible for her choices.

[Anonymous]

My family is like this as well. My parents, however, were very fair when we were children at home. Probably when your sister was living at home all those years when she was screwing up, the bond between her and your parents was deepening and the bond between you and your parents was lessening. Oddly, dependence seems to make the emotional bond strengthen (at least that was true in my family's case). Is it fair? no. But, really: is life ever fair? It is mostly unfair. Also, if your parents had you late in life, there could be a touch of senility creep in. As people age, they make decisions more based on emotions than logic. Fairness is a pretty abstract concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could go two ways:
1. Parents give equally to each child
2. Parents give each child what they believe each child needs.

Either was, their chioce, not yours.

+1 stinks, OP. But it's her money. She's probably hoping this will help your sister continue on a more stable path.

[Anonymous]

My sis and I are on different paths. She coasted for a while after college, worked for years at a movie theater, lived at home for free or nearly free, etc. Substantial drug use. But she now has an office gig making around 50k. She is 30, engaged to a guy making around 70k, and they live together. They are trying to buy a home, and apparently she is getting a big assist with her down payment from mom. I think 50k. She has gone from shopping for homes around $350k to $500k.

I am mid 30s, a lawyer in biglaw. married to a lawyer working part time at a small firm. HHI around 400k. We are semi-frugal but have kids to support, high child care expenses, etc. We are doing well. But, we are looking to move to a top school district in 2017 and don't have enough cash for a down payment yet.

I asked mom if she was going to match her gift to my sis with one to me, and she said no. I know my financial picture is better than my sis's, but that's because I put myself through law school, work harder, have been more responsible. Anyway, I just don't think it's right for a parent to make such a big gift to just one child. She wouldn't get my sis nice Xmas gifts and me crappy gifts or no gifts. She wouldn't leave my sis 60% of her estate and me 40%.

So, is this fair or unfair? (For the record, I would never have asked for help, just wondered if I could expect something). Would you subsidize your own kids unevenly like this?

Moral of this story...being a slacker pays off.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. My mom financed many things for my siblings while I was left on my own. I was always happy that I had the skills, ability and drive to make it on my own and that I never relied on anyone else to take care of me. I was always glad not to be in their shoes, needing to accept my mom's contributions when they were old enough to be supporting and caring for themselves. And, I guess I feel like it would be presumptuous to expect anything even though she was contributing to the support of my siblings.

FWIW, I don't give my kids the same. I give everyone what they need. Some of my kids need more of my money (tutors, special classes) while others don't. I don't plan on giving my oldest a gift in the amount of the cost of my youngest's college education just because he's not going to college - they both get what they need. I suspect that my mom felt the same and that she gave each of us as much as she could to help us turn out to be successful adults and even with this, one of my siblings isn't what anyone would consider successful. My guess is that your mom feels the same, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP that is very frustrating. Unfortunately you can't do a thing about it. We have a similar situation in my family with my husband and brother in law. My husband and I have our act together and he does not. While we make more between the two of us, he makes more individually. We have lots of savings, a 529, made a smart house purchas etc. My brother in law instead eats out at le diplomat for every meal, insisted on only being able to live in one condo building in dupont and made my inlaws buy it for him. He refuses to save, meet with a financial advisor, buy anything himself and my inlaws keep forking it over. He even gets very extravagant holiday gifts. Oh and we are the ones that speak to my inlaws every day, help them out, remember to buy them gifts, are there in emergencies... My brother in law barely sees them or calls them back. Believe me it stinks but it is such an awkward position and no way you can do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. My mom financed many things for my siblings while I was left on my own. I was always happy that I had the skills, ability and drive to make it on my own and that I never relied on anyone else to take care of me. I was always glad not to be in their shoes, needing to accept my mom's contributions when they were old enough to be supporting and caring for themselves. And, I guess I feel like it would be presumptuous to expect anything even though she was contributing to the support of my siblings.

FWIW, I don't give my kids the same. I give everyone what they need. Some of my kids need more of my money (tutors, special classes) while others don't. I don't plan on giving my oldest a gift in the amount of the cost of my youngest's college education just because he's not going to college - they both get what they need. I suspect that my mom felt the same and that she gave each of us as much as she could to help us turn out to be successful adults and even with this, one of my siblings isn't what anyone would consider successful. My guess is that your mom feels the same, OP.

I agree and have a similar experience. I was always the good/responsible child. My brothers, not so much. My parents did a lot more for my brothers than me because my brothers had more challenges. Although my DH and I don't make anywhere near what OP and her DH make (and he works part time!?), we've got what we need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Now this just pisses me off. As if OP's sister never made any choices. Or if she did, she somehow was not responsible for them. It was all somebody else's fault, while OP is expected to be responsible for her choices.

Agreed. Taking drugs is a choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, my thoughts are that no where in your post did you seem happy or proud for your sister that she set her life straight and overcome her past.

You have kids so depending on the age of the kids, you have or will deal with sibling rivalry. This is what this reminds me of. "Larlo got this so why don't I get this too." My kids are twins. When one was potty trained and the other one wasn't, the one who didn't get his potty training big prize had the same pity party you are having now. Difference is my sons weren't even 3yo and you are a grown 30 something man.

Be happy for yourself that your life is going according to plan, your sister who straightened out her life, and your mom who is still alive and in a position to help your sister move forward on a path.

By the way, looking at houses out of your price range and buying houses out of your price range are two separate things. I agree that $500k house on $120k salary is too much house, but she can LOOK at houses in the million dollar range. Not always smart but that doesn't mean she can't look.



.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Now this just pisses me off. As if OP's sister never made any choices. Or if she did, she somehow was not responsible for them. It was all somebody else's fault, while OP is expected to be responsible for her choices.

Agreed. Taking drugs is a choice.

It is absolutely a choice and no way should you enable an addict.

[Anonymous]

I went to college in Europe where there are no tuition fees. My siblings went to private colleges in the U.S. Guess my parents owe me $150k or so? I'll ask them next time I see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not unfair. Do you know how hard a person has to work to overcome a drug addiction? You make more than two times what she does. You CHOSE to have children. She did not chose to have a drug addiction. She is doing the best she can. You are doing the best you can. The best you can do gets you MUCH farther than the best she can do gets her.

I would bet my $40k salary that if i looked at your budget you are spending money you could be saving for that down payment on wants rather than on needs.

Now this just pisses me off. As if OP's sister never made any choices. Or if she did, she somehow was not responsible for them. It was all somebody else's fault, while OP is expected to be responsible for her choices.

Agreed. Taking drugs is a choice.

It is absolutely a choice and no way should you enable an addict.

I haven't taken drugs, but so often people are self-medicating. OP's sister was I suspect. I bet she had a depressing stressful childhood growing up with Mr. Perfect as a sibling.