MIL just screamed at me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. They know her nap schedule. I am pretty flexible about it normally but DD was exhausted - dark circles and stumbling - so it was obvious she needed a nap. Yesterday was a long day for her - she was so excited she didn't sleep well. I didn't want to leave for myself, I just wanted DD to get badly needed rest.

Then go back to a bed room and lie down with her for the nap.

[Anonymous]

My ILs and husband both end up taking twice as long to cook meals as they plan to - and the kids are a bawling tired mess by the time we eat. When I first saw this dynamic, I tried to intervene to resolve it, but what cook wants to be rushed and what kid wants to miss out on a special holiday meal with extended family?

Now I sit back and let it happen. I offer to help once. If I'm declined, then I give the kids milk when they should be eating, but I don't make it my job to entertain an overtired, hungry set of kids, nor do I make it my job to micromanage a bunch of adults who know what the consequences of their actions will be. They know what they're doing - so I let them, and let them deal with the consequences.

It's really stressful for everyone else, but it's a mess of their own making and it's only manageable for me if I just throw up my hands and accept that I don't control these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and husband both end up taking twice as long to cook meals as they plan to - and the kids are a bawling tired mess by the time we eat. When I first saw this dynamic, I tried to intervene to resolve it, but what cook wants to be rushed and what kid wants to miss out on a special holiday meal with extended family?

Now I sit back and let it happen. I offer to help once. If I'm declined, then I give the kids milk when they should be eating, but I don't make it my job to entertain an overtired, hungry set of kids, nor do I make it my job to micromanage a bunch of adults who know what the consequences of their actions will be. They know what they're doing - so I let them, and let them deal with the consequences.

It's really stressful for everyone else, but it's a mess of their own making and it's only manageable for me if I just throw up my hands and accept that I don't control these people.

You're punishing your kids because your ILs and husband have poor time-management skills in the kitchen. It absolutely IS your responsibility to entertain/care for/FEED your kids at all times, especially in your in-laws' home. What kind of mother knowingly lets her kids be miserable to make a point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We hosted Christmas at our house last night. DD is two and was excited about all of her gifts in the morning and both of our families being at our house celebrating. She loves people and had trouble napping yesterday and falling asleep last night. The in-laws wanted us to go there today to celebrate with just them. I didn't just get up and leave because I think it would make things worse. DH is going to tell her not to take that tone with me again. Oh I wasn't gossiping with my neighbor. My MIL yelled at someone in front of my neighbor and she later told me it really upset and scared her. End of discussion.

Next time the phone rings at 7:45 and it's MIL asking you to come over after an exhausting day, you simply reply, "Caroline, we had a great time yesterday, but as I'm sure you can imagine, we're all pretty off-routine and exhausted. We're going to be relaxing at home today. I look forward to seeing you on the fifth (whatever the next visit is)." If you don't have a future date on the books, close with, "Why don't Bill and I give you a call tomorrow to work out some plans in the near future?"

This is not rocket science. You allowed your exhausted family to be pulled into yet more plans. She was wrong to yell. You and your husband were wrong to cave into her wishes for today, when you knew your family was tired and wired and needed to rest.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and husband both end up taking twice as long to cook meals as they plan to - and the kids are a bawling tired mess by the time we eat. When I first saw this dynamic, I tried to intervene to resolve it, but what cook wants to be rushed and what kid wants to miss out on a special holiday meal with extended family?

Now I sit back and let it happen. I offer to help once. If I'm declined, then I give the kids milk when they should be eating, but I don't make it my job to entertain an overtired, hungry set of kids, nor do I make it my job to micromanage a bunch of adults who know what the consequences of their actions will be. They know what they're doing - so I let them, and let them deal with the consequences.

It's really stressful for everyone else, but it's a mess of their own making and it's only manageable for me if I just throw up my hands and accept that I don't control these people.

You're punishing your kids because your ILs and husband have poor time-management skills in the kitchen. It absolutely IS your responsibility to entertain/care for/FEED your kids at all times, especially in your in-laws' home. What kind of mother knowingly lets her kids be miserable to make a point?

The kids are absolutely not being starved. Their regular meal is being served too late, but they have milk in the meantime - they're grumpy and tired, but not neglected, which I'm sure you didn't mean to imply.

Whenever some one comes on here asking for advice on how to get her husband to respect the kids' schedule re naps & meal times, the advice is to stand back, let him do it the way he thinks is fine, and then let him deal with the consequences - don't bail him out when the kids meltdown, so he can see for himself whether the schedule is worth it.

All I'm saying is that I've tried that approach and it's working - maybe OP should try the same with her MIL. Everyone knows last night was a disaster, but if I had tol MIL that the dinner she wanted to cook was no longer on the menu because she got too late of a start, I would have been the one who ruined everything. Try not caring OP - it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and husband both end up taking twice as long to cook meals as they plan to - and the kids are a bawling tired mess by the time we eat. When I first saw this dynamic, I tried to intervene to resolve it, but what cook wants to be rushed and what kid wants to miss out on a special holiday meal with extended family?

Now I sit back and let it happen. I offer to help once. If I'm declined, then I give the kids milk when they should be eating, but I don't make it my job to entertain an overtired, hungry set of kids, nor do I make it my job to micromanage a bunch of adults who know what the consequences of their actions will be. They know what they're doing - so I let them, and let them deal with the consequences.

It's really stressful for everyone else, but it's a mess of their own making and it's only manageable for me if I just throw up my hands and accept that I don't control these people.

You're punishing your kids because your ILs and husband have poor time-management skills in the kitchen. It absolutely IS your responsibility to entertain/care for/FEED your kids at all times, especially in your in-laws' home. What kind of mother knowingly lets her kids be miserable to make a point?

My kids were picky eaters when they were little. The goal was a pleasant visit. Confession: we used to stop at McDonald's and feed them on the way. And if we were staying overnight, I would bring snacks in case they wouldn't eat breakfast. They would sit at dinner and try a bite here and there but if they didn't like the food....no big deal. If they liked something they would still eat.

Little kids get cranky if they are overly hungry. And, no, they will not simply eat whatever is put in front of them. And, no, I wasn't going to make it my mission to MAKE them eat food that didn't appeal to them. You got to choose the hills you're willing to die on and that was not my hill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you're a real peach, too.

Sorry. On MIl side on this one. You sound like one of those annoying new Moms who thinks the world revolves around you and your kids nap time and nothing else matters. Sorry, but that's annoying to all rational people. Signed -Mother of two.

All the bitter moms with only boys are in full force on this thread. Sorry, ladies, but your future DIL WILL run the show, no matter how pissy and passive aggressive you are.

This mom of a boy thinks my kids nap schedule is my business and everyone else can shut the hell up. In my experience the same people who bitch about people who are "nap nazis" also bitch about kids who act up when they are overtired. You can't win.

Hopefully I will be supportive of my future DIL in ways my mil wasn't.

Mom of 2 boys here. I used to be a nap Nazi when I had only 1 child. That went out the window when 2nd was born. 2nd was dragged anywhere and everywhere. If we were tied to his nap schedule, we would never get out of the house. DS2 fell asleep in the car, stroller, baby carrier. He was fine.

Our family would visit us in those early years. We had too much gear to travel out of state for holidays.

And let me just guess. You describe your overtired, cranky 2nd boy's out-of-control behavior as "spirited"? Yep. Thought so.

Not sure why the nasty tone.

My kids are now 4 and 6. They don't nap and are generally well behaved. We are very social and hang out with friends multiple times per week.

When the younger one was a baby, we dragged him to play dates and outings. He would easily fall asleep in the car or stroller. When the younger one was a toddler, he was awesome. Then he turned 2 and was a bit of a disaster. He was a handful with or without naps. I did not make excuses. He started daycare at 2 and would nap there. On weekends, he often would not nap or fall asleep in the car.

Age 2 was both with both kids. That was probably my least favorite year. My boys are a delight now. We get to travel and very few tantrums.

[Anonymous]

I would not go back into the house of someone who screamed at me. I would meet them instead at a neutral venue like a restaurant. But I would never again go back to her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go back into the house of someone who screamed at me. I would meet them instead at a neutral venue like a restaurant. But I would never again go back to her house.

In this case, Op's MIL said "It will only take 5 or 10 minutes!" (in an elevated voice). She was annoyed with Op. And maybe she had good reason to be annoyed with Op. (I'm sensing there was more going on here and that there is a history of this sort of thing).

You would seriously never set foot in her house again over something so stupid?

You must eat at a lot of restaurants, dear.

[Anonymous]

I hate being at other peoples houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you're a real peach, too.

Sorry. On MIl side on this one. You sound like one of those annoying new Moms who thinks the world revolves around you and your kids nap time and nothing else matters. Sorry, but that's annoying to all rational people. Signed -Mother of two.

All the bitter moms with only boys are in full force on this thread. Sorry, ladies, but your future DIL WILL run the show, no matter how pissy and passive aggressive you are.

This mom of a boy thinks my kids nap schedule is my business and everyone else can shut the hell up. In my experience the same people who bitch about people who are "nap nazis" also bitch about kids who act up when they are overtired. You can't win.

Hopefully I will be supportive of my future DIL in ways my mil wasn't.

Mom of 2 boys here. I used to be a nap Nazi when I had only 1 child. That went out the window when 2nd was born. 2nd was dragged anywhere and everywhere. If we were tied to his nap schedule, we would never get out of the house. DS2 fell asleep in the car, stroller, baby carrier. He was fine.

Our family would visit us in those early years. We had too much gear to travel out of state for holidays.

And let me just guess. You describe your overtired, cranky 2nd boy's out-of-control behavior as "spirited"? Yep. Thought so.

Not sure why the nasty tone.

My kids are now 4 and 6. They don't nap and are generally well behaved. We are very social and hang out with friends multiple times per week.

When the younger one was a baby, we dragged him to play dates and outings. He would easily fall asleep in the car or stroller. When the younger one was a toddler, he was awesome. Then he turned 2 and was a bit of a disaster. He was a handful with or without naps. I did not make excuses. He started daycare at 2 and would nap there. On weekends, he often would not nap or fall asleep in the car.

Age 2 was both with both kids. That was probably my least favorite year. My boys are a delight now. We get to travel and very few tantrums.

You don't get to use the term "nap Nazi" and then act all confused why someone would take a "nasty tone." Those of us who keep nap time sacred are not rigid/ridiculous/"Nazis"--we simply place primacy on our children's *need* for sleep. It's really not a big deal. It's not forever. It takes some simple planning, and too bad if sometimes we don't make a playdate or go the extra-extra mile to accommodate Grandma's wishes.

And it's always the same people who say "wow, you're such a slave to your nap schedule" who then say, "you're so lucky to have an easy, well-behaved child." Gee, you think maybe a rested child is a well-behaved, easy child? Yeah, maybe!

[Anonymous]

You probably deserved it which is why your DH did nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you're a real peach, too.

Sorry. On MIl side on this one. You sound like one of those annoying new Moms who thinks the world revolves around you and your kids nap time and nothing else matters. Sorry, but that's annoying to all rational people. Signed -Mother of two.

All the bitter moms with only boys are in full force on this thread. Sorry, ladies, but your future DIL WILL run the show, no matter how pissy and passive aggressive you are.

This mom of a boy thinks my kids nap schedule is my business and everyone else can shut the hell up. In my experience the same people who bitch about people who are "nap nazis" also bitch about kids who act up when they are overtired. You can't win.

Hopefully I will be supportive of my future DIL in ways my mil wasn't.

Mom of 2 boys here. I used to be a nap Nazi when I had only 1 child. That went out the window when 2nd was born. 2nd was dragged anywhere and everywhere. If we were tied to his nap schedule, we would never get out of the house. DS2 fell asleep in the car, stroller, baby carrier. He was fine.

Our family would visit us in those early years. We had too much gear to travel out of state for holidays.

And let me just guess. You describe your overtired, cranky 2nd boy's out-of-control behavior as "spirited"? Yep. Thought so.

Not sure why the nasty tone.

My kids are now 4 and 6. They don't nap and are generally well behaved. We are very social and hang out with friends multiple times per week.

When the younger one was a baby, we dragged him to play dates and outings. He would easily fall asleep in the car or stroller. When the younger one was a toddler, he was awesome. Then he turned 2 and was a bit of a disaster. He was a handful with or without naps. I did not make excuses. He started daycare at 2 and would nap there. On weekends, he often would not nap or fall asleep in the car.

Age 2 was both with both kids. That was probably my least favorite year. My boys are a delight now. We get to travel and very few tantrums.

You don't get to use the term "nap Nazi" and then act all confused why someone would take a "nasty tone." Those of us who keep nap time sacred are not rigid/ridiculous/"Nazis"--we simply place primacy on our children's *need* for sleep. It's really not a big deal. It's not forever. It takes some simple planning, and too bad if sometimes we don't make a playdate or go the extra-extra mile to accommodate Grandma's wishes.

And it's always the same people who say "wow, you're such a slave to your nap schedule" who then say, "you're so lucky to have an easy, well-behaved child." Gee, you think maybe a rested child is a well-behaved, easy child? Yeah, maybe!

Nap time was sacred with my first especially. Bedtime was also sacred - for both kids. I think we managed to get naps/bedtime in w/o disrupting anyone else's holiday plans. Personally, I think it is HELPFUL for a host to know that a child is on a predictable schedule. Most seem to really appreciate that info and it's much easier to deal with than cranky chaos.

Now, if you KNOW that I put my kid down for a nap at 1:00 and you call everyone to lunch right at 1:00 - do not expect me to come to the table with my child. We'll either be on a nap drive or laying down in back bedroom. Oh, and my kid will have already eaten at 12 just like he always does. Ditto for bed time. If you know that I put my child down at 8pm please do not expect me to come with you for a light drive. But feel free to go ahead and go without me and my child (wish we could have all gone at 6:30, right after dinner though!).

Little kids thrive on a predictable routine. So do tired mommies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you're a real peach, too.

Sorry. On MIl side on this one. You sound like one of those annoying new Moms who thinks the world revolves around you and your kids nap time and nothing else matters. Sorry, but that's annoying to all rational people. Signed -Mother of two.

All the bitter moms with only boys are in full force on this thread. Sorry, ladies, but your future DIL WILL run the show, no matter how pissy and passive aggressive you are.

This mom of a boy thinks my kids nap schedule is my business and everyone else can shut the hell up. In my experience the same people who bitch about people who are "nap nazis" also bitch about kids who act up when they are overtired. You can't win.

Hopefully I will be supportive of my future DIL in ways my mil wasn't.

Mom of 2 boys here. I used to be a nap Nazi when I had only 1 child. That went out the window when 2nd was born. 2nd was dragged anywhere and everywhere. If we were tied to his nap schedule, we would never get out of the house. DS2 fell asleep in the car, stroller, baby carrier. He was fine.

Our family would visit us in those early years. We had too much gear to travel out of state for holidays.

And let me just guess. You describe your overtired, cranky 2nd boy's out-of-control behavior as "spirited"? Yep. Thought so.

Not sure why the nasty tone.

My kids are now 4 and 6. They don't nap and are generally well behaved. We are very social and hang out with friends multiple times per week.

When the younger one was a baby, we dragged him to play dates and outings. He would easily fall asleep in the car or stroller. When the younger one was a toddler, he was awesome. Then he turned 2 and was a bit of a disaster. He was a handful with or without naps. I did not make excuses. He started daycare at 2 and would nap there. On weekends, he often would not nap or fall asleep in the car.

Age 2 was both with both kids. That was probably my least favorite year. My boys are a delight now. We get to travel and very few tantrums.

You don't get to use the term "nap Nazi" and then act all confused why someone would take a "nasty tone." Those of us who keep nap time sacred are not rigid/ridiculous/"Nazis"--we simply place primacy on our children's *need* for sleep. It's really not a big deal. It's not forever. It takes some simple planning, and too bad if sometimes we don't make a playdate or go the extra-extra mile to accommodate Grandma's wishes.

And it's always the same people who say "wow, you're such a slave to your nap schedule" who then say, "you're so lucky to have an easy, well-behaved child." Gee, you think maybe a rested child is a well-behaved, easy child? Yeah, maybe!

PP here. You need to chill out. I said I used to be a nap Nazi when I had one child. My kids are well behaved so I don't know who you are talking to. Maybe you think that I am the same person as others posting. The world does not revolve around your precious snowflake's nap. Like I said, my kids are now 4 and 6 and no longer nap. I thought it would be impossible to travel to Europe because of the long flight and waking up at 2am our time. Guess what? Kids survived. Now I am making plans to fly to Asia.

I will forgive your bad attitude since you are in the middle of toddler drudgery. I didn't particular enjoy those days of being tired and picking up goldfish off the floor. Thankfully DH earns a 7 figure income and we could throw money at the household chores.

If I were OP, I would just not have gone if we had already seen the IL's the day before. I am quite reasonable. DH sticks up for me. DH also enjoys family time alone at our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs and husband both end up taking twice as long to cook meals as they plan to - and the kids are a bawling tired mess by the time we eat. When I first saw this dynamic, I tried to intervene to resolve it, but what cook wants to be rushed and what kid wants to miss out on a special holiday meal with extended family?

Now I sit back and let it happen. I offer to help once. If I'm declined, then I give the kids milk when they should be eating, but I don't make it my job to entertain an overtired, hungry set of kids, nor do I make it my job to micromanage a bunch of adults who know what the consequences of their actions will be. They know what they're doing - so I let them, and let them deal with the consequences.

It's really stressful for everyone else, but it's a mess of their own making and it's only manageable for me if I just throw up my hands and accept that I don't control these people.

You're punishing your kids because your ILs and husband have poor time-management skills in the kitchen. It absolutely IS your responsibility to entertain/care for/FEED your kids at all times, especially in your in-laws' home. What kind of mother knowingly lets her kids be miserable to make a point?

Oh please! They will live.